Double-dating with brothers

One of the best parts of yesterday was spending time with Jay's brother and his girlfriend, Cathy. They joined us toward the later part of the night so we had dinner together. They've been in a 3-year long-distance relationship so Cathy has had extensive history with both brothers and their parents! She talked at length about how great their parents were, and how excited she was for me to meet them this weekend. As though I wasn't already secretly excited, her enthusiasm was got me even more pumped! I couldn't be happier luckier that Cathy will be in town so that we can spend time with their parents together.

Toward the end of dinner, I excused myself to go to the restroom and Cathy asked to join me. In that short amount of time, she detailed to me, her relationship history with Jay's brother and their plans to be reunited in the next half-year. She also asked about Jay and my plans for the future, to which, I couldn't answer her question.

All I could say was that our relationship is new and I'm not sure what the future holds. Having been in my predicament in her relationship, Cathy expressed empathy and said that it was similar when she first met jay's brother. She exhibited such excitement for our relationship, exclaiming how cute we were as a couple and how evident it is that Jay and I like and enjoy being with each other.

While we were in the restroom, I also blurted out to Cathy how intimidating it is to date Jay given his previous relationship being 10 years-long! How do you follow something like that? Cathy's reaction was magnificent though. At first, she was surprised that it was such a long courtship between them. Then she added, "oh, but she was a bitch!"

As petty, un-feminist, and embarrassing as it is to admit-- I was so pleasantly surprised to hear such a negative reaction of Jay's ex Apparently, based on Cathy's report, Jay's ex-girlfriend was quite vulgar and would curse in front of their parents! Of course, I can't confirm if that's actually true. However, it is quite appalling to imagine such a level of disrespect. Additionally, it's nice to have something to be able to differentiate myself from her; knowing I could never do or say anything like that.  

But then again, I also wondered if anyone would ever describe me that way: vulgar.  I want to say no, but my humor can be pretty crude and my jokes can be perverted. Is that the same as vulgar? I hope not! I'd really like to be different from his last girlfriend.

Cathy was very expressive about wanting to spend more time together to talk about the brothers. Her openness, friendliness, and enthusiasm was contagious and fun. She already feels like a little sister and at the end of the night, my friends remarked she could be my potential and future sister-in-law. They were joking when they said this of course-- but my heart skipped a beat and I wondered about the possibilities...  I do love double dates and group outings; and yesterday was the best of everything and more.

The upcoming weekend is quickly approaching and I am so excited to spend time with what could potentially be my future family. (Is that so exaggerated and dramatic?) I am pretty embarrassed and excited at the same time.

2 year hiatus

Hello.

It's been almost 2 years since I last visited this blog, much less write in it.  I thought I had moved on and was too good for it. So, I actively ignore it despite the many times I would have benefitted from having this space for myself.

Last year, I moved to a big city for a year-long internship, where I experienced an entire year of diversity, night life, excitement, and constant stimulation. I imagined a life of active dating, romance, and I was certain, I was absolutely certain that I would be meeting the love of my life and living happily ever after. 

Boy, was I wrong.

I was miserable last year, yet I did not write in this journal or any other journal. I refused. I stubbornly believed that writing it meant accepting it, and I did not want to admit how disappointing, nay, how devastating the year turned out to be. I had been so positive that I would be done with heartache, sadness, and pain. I wanted nothing more than to move on from this blog and its topic. I needed to believe I had a healthier self and self-in-relationships.

Well, I partially succeeded because I put myself out there and dated a whole lot.
But I was also miserable almost all of the time.

Last year = roller coaster year of emotions. Partly, it was my unreal expectations. The other part was that the men I dated did not believe in anything other than immediate gratification.  Put those 2 together and it was instant heartache for me. INSTANT. CONSTANT. REPETITIVE.

The trouble with every one of those relationships was that I was leaving their city, and I had to believe I would meet the one who would change my life forever.  My one-year internship was just that: one year. I knew I would likely leave and re-locate elsewhere. I just didn't know how quickly the offer would come, and whether I would take it. When I received an offer to work in a community that is rural, less progressive, less exciting, and less desirable-- I was tortured. Love life or career life? Stay and pursue the unknown by following my heart or following what is reasonable, logical, realistic, and necessary for both financial survival as well as my own career plan. I secretly hoped I'd meet my knight in shining armor and he would tell me what to do. I wanted him to say stay! Because the truth is, I would have. If someone had asked me.

No one asked me. So, I wrote pros/cons lists. I consulted with friends, colleagues, mentors, teachers, advisers, therapists, and even fortune-tellers. I cried. A lot. I contemplated not making any decision altogether. In fact, I spent a lot of time under the comforter pretending reality did not exist. In the end, I decided to leave and take my current position. Goodbye city, hello village (OK, I exaggerate-- ruralville, not village). Still, it was one of the most challenging decisions of my life, and yet I knew that I had to pursue what is realistic and within my control.  My career is dependable and I understand it far more than any relationship or love life.

Well, once I knew I was leaving, the dating experience-- which was just starting-- began to plummet and spiral for the remainder of the year. Dating became anxiety-provoking. On date 1 or at least 2, I would have to tell them the truth. My personality called for this kind of openness and also the men I dated often wanted to know my future plans. Hearing the word "internship" naturally led them to question: what are you doing afterwards?  And upon hearing my news that I would be leaving, the blood would literally drain out of their faces while they tried to compose themselves to act polite, accepting, and open to the possibility of continuing to date me. No one wanted to date me after that, but still, I held on, clinging to the hope that one of them could be mr. right.

One guy strung me along all 7 months that we knew each other and broke my heart in small increments over his hot-and-cold attitude. Another guy insisted I was the love of his life and yet his behaviors never matched his words (e.g., inconsistent texts, last-minute cancelled dates, no time to see me-- ever). The last guy was a was so kind and warm that I mistook him for a friend. I (or we) missed the timing to be something more and when I eventually realized my feelings and poured my heart out to him, he no longer had those feelings for me and said we missed the boat.

Tears. I cried so many tears last year over 3 specific boys. In a city as large as the one I was in, I never felt as lonely as I did, or as insignificant to so many people.





And now? Having moved to this small rural community where I constantly feel an absence of diversity, city life, or anything remotely cool, I have met and am dating an amazing guy who makes my heart soar. (More on him, later, I promise!)

Isn't it ironic that when I moved here a few months ago, I had decided to give up on pursuing a love life, much being in one?

With my 2 year hiatus behind me, I am now wise enough to return to this blog to face myself honestly and admit that I was at my lowest point last year. I am finally willing to confront how last year was. I am now able to reflect on how painful that year was, and to want to learn from those experiences.

Despite the fear that arises from deep in my stomach, I'd also like to be honest about my current relationship and to sit with the anxieties that erupt out of me. This relationship is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. It is so good that I am terrified. My stomach flips when I use the word "relationship" because prior experiences suggest that it will only go downhill.  Because of these instinctual reactions, I know that it's time to return to writing-- for me, for the collective us that feel these pains, for whoever can benefit from my inner angst. Whatever happens in these relationships-- good or bad, I challenge myself to myself to write again and to accept vulnerability again.

Welcome back, me.  It's time to dig deep again.

Setting the foundation for a relationship

I drove out to the country this weekend to visit my ex-neighbor (and friend) Brenda, and her family.  I met Brenda about 6 months ago actually, when we found out we were neighbors living across the hall from each other.  She has these 4 amazing kids who are well-behaved, loving, and adorable. Other than that, we had so much in common and quickly soon-after, I found myself visiting their apartment frequently to say hi to the kids, pop-in for a snack, or to even drop-off desserts that I made and that I wanted to share.  About 2 months ago, Brenda and her boyfriend moved into a house where they merged together her 4 kids and his 2 teenagers.  To me, they are the modern-day Brady Bunch who are much younger in age and also of a different ethnicity.  They are also one of the best couples I have ever known: individually and together.  I love her boyfriend almost as much as I love Brenda!

In addition to bringing a home-warming present to Brenda, I also went to celebrate her recent engagement to her now-fiancee! Just 3 days ago, Brenda and her boyfriend went to Florida for a short, quick 3-day vacation and on that beach, he proposed to her!  It was exactly what she wanted: a private, romantic, and meaningful celebration! She was also surprised by his attention to detail, considering he got her a ring that was especially designed with sapphires around the edges (her favorite) and 6 surrounding mini diamonds to represent each one of their children! Her ring is gorgeous and is one of the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever seen.

So, yesterday, as we chatted over her homemade corn and chicken soup, I found myself feeling immersed in a household of love love and more love.  Just entering her house made me feel... special. Her 4- and 5- year old tugged at me to go play tea party and legos, and her older kiddos rushed over to play with Mr. Z. and to say long time no see!  Whereas I planned to spend a couple of hours at her place that night, I ended up staying until 4am-- exactly 12 hours-- just hanging out with her, her fiancee, and her kids.  We caught up on the last 2 months of our lives and talked about life, love, relationships, compromises, and being true to ourselves.  She talked about the love she has for her fiancee, and about the importance of respecting each other and accepting each other for who they are.  Brenda has survived multiple unhealthy relationships and fought hard to maintain her journey to happiness. She has finally found someone who love her for her.  And she has carried, with dignity, her values to love, trust, and believe in what is good without having to compromise her identity.  I know this all sounds vague, but what it comes down to is having values and self-respect.

To begin, Brenda reminded me that women are the ones who should be in-charge of setting-up how the relationship looks like with her partner.  Basically, we see how men treat one another.  We see how they talk to each other roughly, that they are socialized to show be stoic and emotionless, that they are callous at times because that is the definition of being "manly."  That is the male form of communication and if we want a relationship that looks different from that, then we must ask for it! Expect it! And implement the boundaries to ensure that we protect ourselves when we do not get it.  In short, we have to lead the way: to teach them about respect and to believe that we are deserving of others' respect and love.

As an example, Brenda talked about having fights in their relationship and mutually agreeing with her fiancee that it is unacceptable to ever engage in name-calling. Whenever one of them feels provoked enough to possibly hurl insults, they take a 15 minute time-out before re-convening to discuss the situation.  A while ago, when they were playing a game with each other, her fiancee had jokingly called her a "bitch".  She immediately stopped the game and had a serious conversation with him about the gravity of that term.  She felt disrespected by his name-calling and wanted to make sure it never happened again.  She reasoned that if you can use that term once, even jokingly, then it will be that much easier to use that label again when he is feeling emotional (i.e., mad) one day.  She said that even if he was saying that term in good humor that she had to stop it immediately to make sure he never uses a derogatory terms toward her again.  She had to set the standard from the outset, both for her own sense of self-respect and to prevent any deterioration in their relationship in the future.

At first, Brenda's fiancee was very annoyed by her rigidness and had turned away from her afterwards and told her she was too inflexible.  After all, she had stopped the game and made it so very serious when he was kidding!  He was annoyed at the interruption but she refused to budge. She maintained that she would not compromise on this issue!  It was a good thing too, because a few days later, he realized that she was right. He came to her one night and said he "got it!" He could see her perspective that name-calling, even in a joking manner, might open the door to future name-calling in a different context!

This example, although quite superficial by nature (since it is about name-calling) was actually very profound and made me think about the importance of setting boundaries.  When we say no the first time, then we set the foundation for how we can be treated in the future.  When we respect ourselves and trust ourselves the first time, we set the stage for how others treat us.  We set-up expectations for the relationships, and create standards for treating ourselves and one another.  We become models for the other person. We begin to help ourselves and our partners become better people and better partners

Thinking about this makes me wonder why I always took a backseat in my relationships.  Why did I always let my partner(s) decide what is "good" and what is "bad"?  Why was I always worried about his happiness as opposed to my happiness? Why didn't I ever think of my needs within the relationship? Why did I always consider only his needs, his wants, and his feelings in the relationship, and not mine our even ours? If I don't value myself and respect myself (because I'm always discounting me), then how am I setting a standard for anyone else to value and respect me?

A relationship takes work. effort. energy. compromise.  It takes leadership as well, and a lot of self-love and self-respect to know what is acceptable and what is not.  It take confidence to express what is healthy and what is unhealthy.  It takes boundaries to say when it is going well, and when it needs working on.  It takes 2, but it takes 2 people who are able to think of themselves as individuals and as a team.

I need to work on being a leader for myself.

Finding you

I committed 6 years of my life to the current city and state that I live in, all in pursuit of my graduate degree and specialization.  Away from family and the comforts of friends and even region of country, I have been blessed to easily make new and good friends.  I didn't plan to make new friends.  I certainly didn't think that my friendships would get better or richer than the ones I grew up with.  But I do have people in my life who I have known for fewer years and who feel like family to me.  I just met them, bonded with them, grew with them, and that's it.

I'm in the midst of preparing my next career step and I'll be leaving this place that's been home for the past 6 years.  I don't worry about missing my friends or losing them or making new ones.  I feel quite secure in those relationships, and in the stability of those ties.  What does concern me, recently, is finding my future husband, and knowing that where I go next will influence me meeting him.

My friend from childhood recently emailed to say that she could care less about her love-life right now and that she is in hot pursuit of her career as a graphic designer/ artist / advertising specialist.  She just got out of a long-term relationship with a man who, interestingly enough, is also a womanizer.  What's worse is that he was married, and the biggest liar you can possibly imagine.  So it might have been her anger talking when she swore of men.  But then again, I think she's right when she said that meeting your partner shouldn't be something we fret over.  It's like... hitting puberty.  You don't know what exact moment it will happen, and you really can't plan when or how it will unfold, but it will.  It simply will happen... inevitably.

So, I remind myself of this statement during my job-search these days.  And I let myself look at positions in places that I am almost certain no one will want to go.  Definitely not where I imagine my future husband to be.

So, future husband, just so you know, I'm not going to try to find you anymore. Or put myself in locations that are convenient for you to see/meet.  I'm just gonna do my thing and if you come my way, then cool beans.  And if you don't, well then, I'm falling in love anyways and I'll have a wonderful marriage and amazing kids. It's gonna happen sometime. I just don't know yet, who.