Silence = rejection?

Whenever I don't hear from someone, I envision they are actively trying to cut me out of their lives.
OR
That might seem too narcissistic, so sometimes I imagine that they don't think of me at all. You know the saying: "out of sight, out of mind."

Both scenarios SUCK because I am either a nuisance or too marginal to be considered. In short, silence frightens me because the list of options are exactly that:

1. You are actively and purposefully ignoring of me.
2. You easily forgot about me and can't be bothered to remember that I exist.

Both scenarios have happened with the same person: my first love! So, it's really not an unrealistic fear because they've both been my reality.

Today, I didn't hear much from Jay and I assumed the same. I thought to myself, "OK. He's seen you in every possible setting and is officially sick of you."

I envisioned him picking up his phone, looking at a text I sent, and then choosing to ignore it and do something else instead. That is scenario 1.

Scenario 2 is him being busy-- so busy that he hasn't looked at his phone all day and doesn't even think to do it because in his mind, it doesn't matter if I'm trying to contact him. He hasn't thought of me, so he's not  concerned about being in touch at all.

I was sad thinking about both scenarios but I plowed forward to do my work, cook dinner, and hang out with Mr. Z.

Around midnight, Jay texted to say he's been working all night. He then called to ask how my day's been, and then told me all about his busy busy day. He told me what he's planning for the rest of the week, he told me little details of today, like what he's eaten and what he fantasizes eating. He also told me he broke a spoke on his bicycle wheel (What's a spoke?) and then shared a funny story about a party that happened a few years ago with his professors and one of his colleagues.

As he shared these random tidbits, my heart calmed. My spirit slowly landed back on the ground. My sadness and anxiety slowly dissipated, and instead, laughter and warmth filled my soul. I thought to myself, "oh, I'm not invisible and I do matter to him."

Little by little, Jay has been fixing my dysfunctional, unhealthy, anxiety-ridden heart and giving me corrective experiences so that I am a little less broken than before.

With his phone call tonight, he showed me that he can be busy and still want me. There can be silence but it doesn't necessarily mean he is ignoring me or forgetting me. Apparently, silence isn't always a sign of rejection or abandonment. It doesn't always foreshadow impending loss and pain. Silence isn't always permanent.

He's seen all of me

I had quite a significant weekend with Jay.

On Friday, he arrived in the late afternoon to join me for a bowling event, where he met my colleagues and trainees. It's the first time my romantic life has ever intersected with work.  Afterwards, students came up to me and expressed their surprise at my personal life, because they didn't know I had a partner! Later, we went to a buffet with my friend Gina and stuffed ourselves until we could eat no more! We rounded out the night with some grocery shopping in preparation for Saturday's party, and then headed home to go to bed!  We were pooped!

On Saturday morning-- I snuck out of bed early and began making peanut butter doggy cookies for Mr. Z. Today was the big day! Mr. Z. was having his 5-year-birthday-party and I had invited 10 of my friends along with 5 of their dogs!  When Jay stumbled into the kitchen sleepily, I roped him into helping me! For the next 4 hours, we rolled out homemade dough int 120+ cookies shaped like gingerbread dolls, stars, clovers, and hearts. Afterwards, I got started on making Mr. Z.'s cake while Jay channel surfed until he found a twilight marathon. Yes, that was exactly how we spent the rest of the weekend-- we watched the twilight marathon session!

At some point, I made us leave the house in a hurry to pick up last-minute groceries before the party. I asked Jay if he wanted to join me in the shower but was rejected. Why? I don't know! It wasn't meant to be a sexual request. I just thought it'd be fun, intimate, and cozy. But he rejected me in the nicest way possible, saying it would mean we would never leave the house, which simply was untrue. I was super disappointed but tried to recover my pride and ego in the shower -- alone. Then we went shopping, buying last-minute but crucial things, like a BBQ grill (haha)! We returned home in time for Jay to piece it all together while I put the finishing touches on the cake. Then he seasoned the meat while I wrapped up goody bags for all the human and doggy guests.

As guests arrived, I got to say hi and entertain while Jay ran in and out of the house, grilling, cutting, making pico de gallo, and basically making all of the food. He was an amazing host who maintained his role behind the scenes even though he basically did it all. I mean, what's my measly hummus compared to his fajitas, hot dogs, and pico de gallo? As he worked hard, I played with babies, greeted my friends and their pets, and did whatever Jay needed when he asked for my assistance.

At one point, 2 of my girlfriends asked me how serious I considered our relationship to be. On a scale of 1-10, what would I rate our relationship?  With some probing, I concluded it was an 8.  Not a 9 because that would seem too serious for a less-than-6-month-relationship; and definitely not a 7 because we've already met each others' parents, for goodness sake! Melanie asked if I think he's THE ONE because she was able to tell in month 3 of dating, that her husband was meant to be. She just knew. "It felt different than the rest" she said. "It just fit" was how she summed it up.

I'd say all of her comments are true in my case.  Jay is special, he feels different from the rest, and we fit just right as well.  

In fact, while we were making cookies that morning, he mentioned something about Cinco de Mayo. I asked him what was happening that day, and he said that a good friend of his generally throws an awesome party each year to celebrate the holiday. Without waiting for him to ask me, I took a risk and disclosed that this day has made me nauseous for the last 4 years because that is the anniversary date of when I caught B. cheating on me.  In response, Jay goes: "Well, I guess this means I have to make this year's cinco de mayo extra special for you, right? If that's the message I'm getting, then guess what? Challenge accepted! I will make this day so awesome that you never have to feel nauseous about it again." I had to hold my breath because I was so moved by what he said. He literally took my breath away.

On Sunday, Jay and I slept almost until noon and then he cooked us brunch using the leftovers from the BBQ the night before. We finished watching the rest of the twilight marathon and laid on the couch the entire day. At some point, we talked about martial arts and I made him teach me how to throw people down! We wrestled for a good while and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. When he finally had to go, I felt this giant hole fill my heart. The void remained all night and the morning after until I finally left home to immerse myself into my work life 16 hours later.

Yes, that was the only was I was able to cope.

Is this normal? Do others have difficulty letting go of their partners when the weekend ends? As Jay was packing up last night, I told him that every time we say goodbye to each other, it feels like reality slapping me in the face because it's the end of vacation time. He agreed but said he had tons of work to do, which I completely understand. In fact, I offered to also drive down to visit him next weekend. I had a moment of panic, actually-- panic that he would say: "I'm too busy next weekend, so I won't be seeing you anymore."  Instead, he said he'll likely come for 2 days instead of 3-- and for some reason that still made me feel nervous, so I rambled on a bit about driving down to him and doing work together.

Sigh. Insecurity, I hate you, please leave me alone.

As Jay grabbed the last of his things and headed out the door, we kissed and I told him to let me know when he gets home. He promised he wouldn't forget and then got in his car and drove off. All my lightheartedness, excitement, fun-ness, and good mood also drove off with him, and I've been missing him ever since.


This weekend was pretty monumental for me. He has now seen every single aspect of me that there is to see: my friends, my work life, my style when it comes to throwing a party, my love for Mr. Z... and he's met my parents. What else is there? He's seen it all and I've got nothing left to hide. I'm officially at my most vulnerable now because he has the upper hand to decide if he wants out of this relationship.

He can now make an informed decision to leave me.

Separation anxiety

Dogs have separation anxiety, children have separation anxiety, but adults?

I feel so hollow each time Jay leaves me my place.
That emptiness affects me so much so that I'm useless and non-functioning.
I generally go to sleep whenever he leaves, waking up anxiously and intermittently to check to see if he's texted me to let me know he has gotten home safely.

On days that Jay leaves, I'm always unsure of what to do with myself: I'm aimless, purposeless, and it's pathetic because I'm a professional with TONS to do.  But when Jay enters the picture (and leaves), it's like I never existed before him.

He left around 6:30pm last night and I climbed onto the couch to watch TV.
I fell asleep and woke up freezing, so I fumbled my way into the bedroom and went to bed... for the entire night.
For 12 hours!!!

That was how avoidant I was about his absence.

Permission to be myself

Given how intense my emotions have been, I decided I needed some good self-care and contacted my therapist for some tele-therapy.

I felt so much better after that conversation. My therapist, Angel, let me cry, voice my frustration without judgment, and then she helped me contextualize my feelings. She helped me understand why my reactions have felt so explosive, and to see its connection with deeper-rooted issues.

1. I miss my family, period.  And no matter how unfair it is that I'm putting it onto Jay (or even other friends), the fact of the matter is I feel displaced and I'm looking to fill that void and establish that connection everywhere.
2. I am an organized person that needs a lot of clarity. People communicate differently and it's OK to ask people for more details. Ask! Putting myself out there to have my needs met is better than preserving an image and restricting myself until I can no longer handle having my needs be minimized and I explode with questions. But I'm scared of asking.
3. I have made a lot of sacrifices (consciously or unconsciously) and am trying to understand if those sacrifices are "worth it." I'm trying to understand if my decisions (e.g., moving here!) are the right decisions. I'm unsure, scared, and fearful of past, present, and future decisions I have to make and the sacrifices that come along. For example: Would I choose to permanently stay here because of my relationship with Jay?
4. I adapt easily to accommodate peoples' wants, desires, and preferences. I can anticipate ahead of time what they want and mold myself accordingly. Consequently, I haven't been able to "be myself" in any circumstance. Not professionally, not in my romantic relationship, not even with friends given their overlap with my work. 
5. I live in constant fear of being rejected. I am terrified that something ugly about me will be discovered and I will be abandoned-- with no explanation. That's how my 1st relationship ended and I have since held-on to the assumption that there is something inherently "wrong" with me. I don't know what "it" is, but it's the only thing I can explain for when I try to understand the sudden break-up in my first relationship.

At the end of our session, Angel asked me to think about my life history and to recall when I've had permission to be myself.

Permission to be myself? 

100% me?

Her question stumped me and I realized that I have never felt like that was a possibility. Bam! 

I hadn't know that was how I lived my entire  life. I hadn't known that everything I know about relationships is how to compartmentalize and show only certain parts of myself with particular people.  It's no wonder I have a gajillion friends and yet still feel lonely sometimes. I can adapt to any social group I want and it's because I can identify with certain aspects of people or a group of people. 

But ask me if I've been able to be completely, wholly 100% of myself in a particular group or even with one friend?-- and I don't know if I could say yes to that question.

I don't think I've ever felt like I could be 100% of myself with my parents, either. Definitely not my father, and probably not my mother, if I'm being truly honest. Wow.

A taste of family

In spite of a great weekend, I still feel anxious. There's even more to lose now than before.

I am officially head-over-heels in adoration of both Jay and his family.

During one of our car rides to lunch, I remember sitting in the car together wondering what it would be like if they were my in-laws someday.  I know, I know. Dramatic and over-thinking it?  Definitely. But I tend to live in the future, sometimes. Well, only in relationships and wondering about their future.

I think this is also a reminder of how much I miss my family: my mom, dad, brother, grandparents, that feeling of "home" and being taken care of.

When Jay's parents arrived, they brought a carload full of frozen foods, snacks, and two gigantic packages of toilet paper for both of their sons. They brought, basically, the same things my parents would bring: critical ingredients and flavors from home.

Parents: they take care of you, provide basic needs for you when you're a child, and continue to know (ahead of time) what essentials you will need when you're all grown up.  There aren't enough odes to parents! Although there is no perfect parent, I do think that mine and the ones I know -- are generally self-sacrificing, generous, and completely devoted to their children's well-being.

I mean, don't get me wrong. parents can still mess you up. They can also be well-intentioned at the same time.

Pandora's box

SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.

So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.

Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life.  Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!

Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend.  Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.

I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade.  DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?

What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?

I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true.  When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me.  It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.

I can't breathe.

Loneliness in a relationship

One of the worst feelings to have while in a relationship, is loneliness.

I remember that feeling as having my soul sucked out of me: feeling like I am worlds apart from the person I loved even though I am sitting directly next to him or even laying in bed with him beside me. It's the worst kind of alone-ness one can feel.

Let me clarify that being alone is NOT the same as being lonely.  There are plenty of times when I am alone and perfectly content. Being alone can be empowering and joyful.

But being lonely? That can never be empowering or joyful.

One of the perks to being single is never having to feel lonely when with somebody. If you feel unheard, uncared for, or underappreciated, then you can move forward and hang out with someone else. No harm, no foul. There's plenty of friends out there that you can make.

But when you're lonely in a relationship with a partner? It's like being in a black hole. There's no one else you can go to and share those feelings. If you did, then you'd be engaging in some sort of emotional cheating or infidelity. So, it's completely yours to bear, all that loneliness, sadness, isolation, and feeling like he is un-reachable to you. And you are also un-reachable to him.

Punishing him, punishing myself

I had a great 12-hour date with Jay when he drove up 2.5 hours on Friday night. I had a work event that night and he sat-in and watched. It was quite nerve-wracking since it is the first time he's ever seen me in my professional element. It was vulnerable and I felt that much closer to him.

We woke up at 5am the next morning so he can hit the road to make it to his professional event. "I'll text you when I get there," he said, as he opened his car door and gave me a knowing smile. He knew I would worry about his long drive, and it was comforting to know he understood that it mattered to me. "OK," I said casually as I thought about how lucky I was to have such an understanding boyfriend who care about me and my feelings.

Except, that he didn't.

And this was the 2nd time that he didn't follow-through with his words. So, a couple of hours later, I wrote a text that simply stated, "I'm going to assume you got there safely..." and I waited for his reply.

I waited and waited and waited.

Exactly one hour later, he wrote back an apology and told me how busy it was when he arrived! He also showed me a picture of the throngs of people he had to cater to.

After reading his response, an unexpected, guttural, and animalistic sound escaped me. It came from deep within my stomach and the anxiety coursed out of me.  It was a sob and I cried intensely for less than a minute and shed only a few tears. I hadn't even known I was carrying that much anxiety.

I did not reply to Jay after that. For the rest of that day, I made a conscious effort to be unresponsive. I was too hurt and I was reliving the past.

Similar feelings of being tricked, betrayed, and beguiled came over me. When I was with B., I often felt like he had eyes only for me. It was later in my relationship that I learned the truth. That, the second I turned my back, I was out-of-sight and out-of-mind for him. Whatever promises, commitment, or loyalty he had toward me were now given to whoever woman he was setting his eyes on. I wondered; is this process identical for Jay? He had said to me: "I'll text you when I get there" and then forgot about me as soon as he left. When we're together, he treats me like he only has eyes for me! But when he's gone, obviously, I'm also out of the picture.

My mind reeled. My heart reeled. I felt sick to my stomach.

Late in the afternoon, Jay called to see how my day was. We generally don't call each other until nighttime, so I imagine it's because he thought my silence was unusual.

He was right, actually. I was in pain. But I wonder if I was also wanting to push him away with the pain. My silence was as much as my retreat as it was a punishment for him. Intentional or not, my action was my subtle way of saying: this hurts so much again and perhaps a bit of a fuck you.

What happens in my head... stays in my head.

My insecurities increased exponentially after my parents and Jay met. I feared Jay would cut me out, drop me like a ball, or run for the hills. I expected one or all of the above.

However, he remained... the same.
He still texted.
He still called.
He still flirted.
It was like nothing changed.

But I changed. Me. I began panicking and returning to my old real self. One night, I felt my anxiety skyrocket when he didn't text me back immediately. I had called him and it went straight to voicemail. Of course, knowing me, I checked on gchat and saw him flick from orange to green. I held my breath. He did not text or call me back. Fear settled in before coursing out and being replaced with sadness and loss. I began to think what it would be like to return to the dating world and starting over from scratch. Bye, Jay. I wonder which lucky girl gets to meet you next. Who did I think I was, rejecting the word "boyfriend" when that could actually be taken away from me?

... a few hours later, he texted to say he fell asleep and was sorry to have missed my call. "No worries," I casually said, and we moved on to talk about our day.
It was like nothing changed.
He has no idea what all went through my head during that waiting period.
And he never will!

Reading between the lines

As in every romantic relationship, I find myself reading between the lines all the time. Does he mean x when he says y? Does he think y when he actually wants z? Is he pretending to suggest z when when he's actually trying to convey x?

With thoughts like these in my head, I can never stop.  I cannot stop to smell the flowers and enjoy what I have. I am too busy searching for thorns in the roses and anticipating being poked and inevitably bleeding to death.

Sound dramatic? It's exactly how my heart feels and I have the perfect example from this weekend:

Today is actually Jay's birthday and since we are a bit of a distance away, we celebrated over the weekend. Before coming, he said he'd be leaving early on Sunday morning to get back home to do fun outdoor activities with his brother. I secretly breathed a sigh of relief that he was leaving early. His plan worked out perfectly for me because I had a ton of work to do and I desperately needed Sunday to play catch-up. But the fact that Jay said he was leaving early threw me for a loop because he was the one wanting distance, not me. And so, my feelings of insecurity, doubt, rejection flooded over. I took his request to mean that he no longer liked me and he would prefer to spend time doing other things with other people who are not me.

**As I write this down, I recognize the absurdity of my logic, but at the moment, my feeling of being subtly rejected was soo soo strong.

I told my brother how much this bothered me and I expressed sadness and confusion. Why isn't he maximizing his birthday weekend with me? Why doesn't he want to spend as much together as possible? What does it mean that he's not wanting to stay through to Sunday? Why?

My brother's response?

''He's coming all the way up to spend a couple of days with you. On the last day of the weekend, you have a ton to do. And he's leaving, so it all works out. This works out perfectly! The universe has spoken."

Oh, was all I could say. Fine, I muttered, before walking away with my tail tucked between my legs. My brother made a great point. Obviously Jay likes me. He was willing to drive 2.5 hours to see me this weekend, and also every weekend that he's come up since October!

Why couldn't I see that earlier? Why did I only see the glass half-empty, the bottle ready to be discarded? Ahem, I am this metaphorical bottle. Why did I have to analyze everything so that the outcome is always that he is done with me?

The logical part of me believes that we all create narratives in our head that function like blueprints. My blueprint is always the same. It's being left, being abandoned, being left in the dust before I even realize its over.

Must I replay this blueprint time and time again?

In some ways, I know the answer is yes and it is the right answer. I've been left before. I've been abandoned before. I've been left in the dust, billowing and waiting for years before realizing he has long gone. I will never be that gullible again. I never want to be such a fool again. I will never be so unprepared about being walked out on and experiencing the shock that is pain. My blueprint serves a function and an acquired survival skill that I learned the very very hard way. While it may not always be healthy, I've had to learn to put up my guard to read between the lines.

2 year hiatus

Hello.

It's been almost 2 years since I last visited this blog, much less write in it.  I thought I had moved on and was too good for it. So, I actively ignore it despite the many times I would have benefitted from having this space for myself.

Last year, I moved to a big city for a year-long internship, where I experienced an entire year of diversity, night life, excitement, and constant stimulation. I imagined a life of active dating, romance, and I was certain, I was absolutely certain that I would be meeting the love of my life and living happily ever after. 

Boy, was I wrong.

I was miserable last year, yet I did not write in this journal or any other journal. I refused. I stubbornly believed that writing it meant accepting it, and I did not want to admit how disappointing, nay, how devastating the year turned out to be. I had been so positive that I would be done with heartache, sadness, and pain. I wanted nothing more than to move on from this blog and its topic. I needed to believe I had a healthier self and self-in-relationships.

Well, I partially succeeded because I put myself out there and dated a whole lot.
But I was also miserable almost all of the time.

Last year = roller coaster year of emotions. Partly, it was my unreal expectations. The other part was that the men I dated did not believe in anything other than immediate gratification.  Put those 2 together and it was instant heartache for me. INSTANT. CONSTANT. REPETITIVE.

The trouble with every one of those relationships was that I was leaving their city, and I had to believe I would meet the one who would change my life forever.  My one-year internship was just that: one year. I knew I would likely leave and re-locate elsewhere. I just didn't know how quickly the offer would come, and whether I would take it. When I received an offer to work in a community that is rural, less progressive, less exciting, and less desirable-- I was tortured. Love life or career life? Stay and pursue the unknown by following my heart or following what is reasonable, logical, realistic, and necessary for both financial survival as well as my own career plan. I secretly hoped I'd meet my knight in shining armor and he would tell me what to do. I wanted him to say stay! Because the truth is, I would have. If someone had asked me.

No one asked me. So, I wrote pros/cons lists. I consulted with friends, colleagues, mentors, teachers, advisers, therapists, and even fortune-tellers. I cried. A lot. I contemplated not making any decision altogether. In fact, I spent a lot of time under the comforter pretending reality did not exist. In the end, I decided to leave and take my current position. Goodbye city, hello village (OK, I exaggerate-- ruralville, not village). Still, it was one of the most challenging decisions of my life, and yet I knew that I had to pursue what is realistic and within my control.  My career is dependable and I understand it far more than any relationship or love life.

Well, once I knew I was leaving, the dating experience-- which was just starting-- began to plummet and spiral for the remainder of the year. Dating became anxiety-provoking. On date 1 or at least 2, I would have to tell them the truth. My personality called for this kind of openness and also the men I dated often wanted to know my future plans. Hearing the word "internship" naturally led them to question: what are you doing afterwards?  And upon hearing my news that I would be leaving, the blood would literally drain out of their faces while they tried to compose themselves to act polite, accepting, and open to the possibility of continuing to date me. No one wanted to date me after that, but still, I held on, clinging to the hope that one of them could be mr. right.

One guy strung me along all 7 months that we knew each other and broke my heart in small increments over his hot-and-cold attitude. Another guy insisted I was the love of his life and yet his behaviors never matched his words (e.g., inconsistent texts, last-minute cancelled dates, no time to see me-- ever). The last guy was a was so kind and warm that I mistook him for a friend. I (or we) missed the timing to be something more and when I eventually realized my feelings and poured my heart out to him, he no longer had those feelings for me and said we missed the boat.

Tears. I cried so many tears last year over 3 specific boys. In a city as large as the one I was in, I never felt as lonely as I did, or as insignificant to so many people.





And now? Having moved to this small rural community where I constantly feel an absence of diversity, city life, or anything remotely cool, I have met and am dating an amazing guy who makes my heart soar. (More on him, later, I promise!)

Isn't it ironic that when I moved here a few months ago, I had decided to give up on pursuing a love life, much being in one?

With my 2 year hiatus behind me, I am now wise enough to return to this blog to face myself honestly and admit that I was at my lowest point last year. I am finally willing to confront how last year was. I am now able to reflect on how painful that year was, and to want to learn from those experiences.

Despite the fear that arises from deep in my stomach, I'd also like to be honest about my current relationship and to sit with the anxieties that erupt out of me. This relationship is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. It is so good that I am terrified. My stomach flips when I use the word "relationship" because prior experiences suggest that it will only go downhill.  Because of these instinctual reactions, I know that it's time to return to writing-- for me, for the collective us that feel these pains, for whoever can benefit from my inner angst. Whatever happens in these relationships-- good or bad, I challenge myself to myself to write again and to accept vulnerability again.

Welcome back, me.  It's time to dig deep again.

Re-creating closure

I've been feeling crazy lonely these days, which is strange because up until recently, I was enjoying my alone-ness and feeling empowered about being happily alone.

The more lonely I've been feeling, the more vulnerable I've felt.  And the more vulnerable I am, the more I've resorted to thinking about Robert.  Which makes me wonder... which came first: the chicken or the egg?

For me, does vulnerability come first and then my thoughts about breakups? Or do I think about breakups first and then feel vulnerable afterwards?

I spent the past few nights crying about Robert.  Why? No reason. No reason, whatsoever.

It all started when my mom brought up Robert in our phone conversation the other day. She casually mentioned that we were actually quite similar and that she is just as perplexed about him as I am. I was shell-shocked because for so many years, she's always said we were ridiculously opposites of one another and it could have never ever worked.

As she talked, I started to get emotional, wondering about all the should haves, would haves, could haves.  I cried and cried when I went to bed that night, feeling haunted by our relationship, and feeling broken-hearted about how we ended.  At the very least, why aren't we friends? At the very least, why couldn't be at least amiable to each other?

For 3 nights in-a-row, I cried and cried about Robert and had imaginary conversations with him about our breakup. I imagined shaking him and asking the Robert I used to know to come back so that I can have just one more conversation with him.  I remember when I saw Robert a few years ago, I couldn't connect with him and starting into his eyes was like looking into the eyes of a stranger.  It was heartbreaking, as if a different soul possessed his body altogether.

I just need to say goodbye to him.  That's what I need.  Because Robert and I ended so strangely, so abruptly, I think I have no closure from him, no matter how hard I have tried to create it by myself. So I laid in bed the other night telling him goodbye and telling him that he was so meaningful in my life, and  that he continues to play such an important part in my sense of identity and my feelings of self-worth as a person. I cried as though we were just breaking up and I fell asleep surrounded by kleenexes, kleenexes, and more kleenexes.

In the light of day, however, I couldn't understand why I had been so devastated the night before. What happened? What happens to me at night?

Love, happiness, marriage

My girlfriends and I write to each other on a random basis. When things come up in our lives, we email and we ask about each others' perspectives.

This week, my elementary school best friends emailed to discuss the topic of marriage.  One of the girls has been struggling with dating and meeting guys that are a good fit for her.  She hasn't had many long-term relationships because it's been hard to "click" with someone beyond a couple of dates. As she talked about these challenges, she referred to facebook and seeing all these engagements and wedding posts and feeling bitter.  Why are other people getting married but not us? she asked.  How are people getting "that" when she feels so far away and so far behind from what they've got?

In response to her email, I wrote a long piece about my own thoughts regarding marriage. About love. About hope.  I also write about my life journeys being bitch-slapped by reality and instead of floating happily in love and/or marriage.

"... For me, I have equated marriage to all things magical.  Marriage means love. It means floating on cloud 9 and being happy all the time (I've learned that it's not). It means stability, it means unconditional give and take. It means meeting your other half and establishing a life together. It means commitment, perseverance, compromise, sometimes sacrifice, and ultimately, it means making an active choice to be with each other. It means open communication, respect for each other's values & decision-making, and it means loving (or trying to love) what's different than what you know.

Marriage is the "happily ever after" in my book, and it's what I've always imagined my ending to be.  Umm... wait, I take that back.  I never wanted it to be my ending, I wanted it to be my beginning, my middle and my end. Yeah.

However, as we've gotten older, I realize that marriage is actually not as magical as I thought I would be. And even more so, love is NOT the wondeful concept I projected it to be. 

Apparently, having to compromise and sacrifice is a shitty feeling that's only romanticized in chick flicks to make it seem like it's a GOOD thing. Trying to like what your partner likes is freakin' frustrating and annoying.  And sticking together through "thick-and-thin" can sound good but it blows because you just want to ditch them on the road sometimes. And then there's times when you don't even want to live by the morals and values you thought you believed in. You don't want to be open-minded anymore, and you don't want to try. You just want that other person to be exactly like you, think exactly like you, and just stfu and make you feel better. But they won't. So there's friction, friction, more friction, and you wonder where the love went. Well, that's love, my dears. Love (can) suck(s).  Of course then marriage can suck even more because you're committed to loving someone who you can't stand at times.

Realizing that love, marriage, and being happy is NOT the same has been the biggest surprise of my life. It's turned my world upside down, inside-out, and honest-to-God, I'm still reeling from the shock of it all.

In the past few years, I've learned that there are people in this world who are NOT married, but who have all of these wonderful things in their relationships that seem like the magical love that I imagine (lucky bastards!)  There are people who ARE married who have none of them (woe is them-- hello, reality). And there are people who think they are in love and have some of those magical things and also some of those shitty things (THE MAJORITY OF THEM!). So apparently, marriage is not the end-all-be-all when it comes to love and happiness.

I'm starting to get it when some people say they don't believe in marriage. I wonder about it now too. Who wants to handcuff themselves to someone else when when it's so much more relaxing to be on your own these days?

Still, there's the traditional, optimistic, and pathetically hopeful part of me that wants the whole enchilada.  I want to (still) believe that marriage can signify commitment, acceptance, perseverance, compromise, and happiness at the same time. I want to have all the things I didn't see in my parents' relationship, and I want to have all the things that I see in people who are happily together (married or not) and choosing each day to be together. Because I realize that it's so damn hard, I think it makes sense that even the screening process (aka dating) is going to be difficult.  Thank goodness ur not clicking with just anybody, _____ (friend's name)! Then you have to put-up-with-them months later, years later (That's what I do.  I click with anyone and everyone and then I suffer the consequences until I can no longer). The journey will only get harder, and if it's the right person, I think it's supposed to be more rewarding as well. So he better be worth it to make it to the final running!"

Is your relationship over?

I came across an article today, entitled: "When it's just another fight and when it's over".  It was actually featured in Yahoo under the heading, "Is your marriage over?" and I couldn't help but read it.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/just-another-fight-over-040100241.html

I'm glad I read did, actually.  But before I delve into the details, I want to note that the article was falsely advertised because it isn't only marriages that end. Break-ups suck too!  Couldn't they have promoted it as, "Is your relationship over?"

Aside from this gripe, I've been thinking about this article ever since.  The gist of this piece is about resentment and having a fight be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  In essence, it's not necessarily just that fight that leads to the breakup.  It's all the other things building up to it: all the frustrations, miscommunications, annoyances that just seem too much to bear.  So, what happens is that from one partner's perspective, s/he may think they're having just another fight.  For the other person, the one who is up to his/her ears being fed-up, it is the defining moment in realizing that it is absolutely, positively over.

This article is hitting me in a sore spot, as I think about my breakup with Robert.  Yes, again, I'm going to me talking about my first love because I grieve about him these days and not B.  I have to get to the root of this.  I have to understand why I am the way I am (when it comes to him).

I have rejected this hypothesis in the past: that we broke up because our last fight (which felt like just another fight to me) was the straw that broke his (him being a camel) back. Maybe for me, it was something I expected to resolve.  But for him, it was the last thing he wanted to handle, the last thing he wanted to tolerate. Perhaps from his perspective, it was the last jenga piece that was coming out of our already-wobbly relationship.

It's hard for me to think that our relationship led up to that point.  I find it hard to even imagine that he had a lot of resentment, anger, and frustration towards me.  It's really really hard to even think that because it would mean we were completely out-of-tune with each other. I mean, out-of-tune to the point that I didn't even know he was so unhappy.  Out-of-tune because I never imagined we would ever break-up, only that we would fight and fight, but eventually we'd work-through it and be OK. It would also hurt to know that we never even attempted to resolve his unhappiness if he was so upset with me.

Why was he so upset with me? Was I so hard to handle? To tolerate? Was our relationship (and me) so bad that he wanted nothing to do with it but to flee and run? I don't know.

I guess I'll never know. But I have to admit that like the article said, we were fighting quite a bit before our final break-up.  We were arguing quite frequently, we were both ridiculously busy and short with each other when we did talk to each other. And when I say talk to each other, I meant through the phone since we were in our 2nd year of long-distance dating.

Here's the even harder part to admit: I confess that even though we were both very busy, I probably could have invested more time and energy into him before our last fight.  I should have seen the signs. I should have done something! I remember there was one night when he was suddenly in a good mood.  He had been pretty negative throughout that week and I could not understand what was going on.  So when he was in a good mood that night, I should have spent time focusing on him and trying to re-connect us.  Instead, however, I felt pressured to host 2 of my friends who had travelled to stay for the weekend.  They had just gotten in when Robert had called.  I remember feeling relieved that he was in a good mood, and hopeful that it would stay that way.  He wanted to talk, he wanted to chat, he wanted a long call-- which was uncharacteristic of him (and us) considering how busy we had both been during that time.  If it were any other night, I would have happily obliged and enjoyed every single millisecond with him.  But I felt the pressure of hosting my 2 friends and being a bad hostess because I was out on the porch whispering into the phone at 1am. So instead, I told him I couldn't talk and hoped he would be more understanding so we can catch-up the next day. I basically said no to our time and chance to have some quality conversation together... and to this day, I continue to kick myself and wonder if that might have been the precursor to our break up.

I blame myself and wonder if things would have been different if I just continued to sit outside until the wee hours of the morn.

It is incredibly difficult for me to accept that Robert may have been pissed at me when we broke up.  It is actually (almost) impossible for me to accept that at any point, he had resentment towards me, frustration towards me, and annoyance towards me.  I'm supposed to be the person that makes him happy.  I'm supposed to be the light at the end of his tunnel.  I'm supposed to the love of his life, and the one he shares everything bad with, so we can get through and live happily ever after together.  For us to break up because he had so much pent-up negative emotions toward me (and for me to not know it) is more devastating than... what.... I don't know!  It's equivalent to feeling betrayed and cheated-on, because I feel like I never even knew that's how he felt.  He never even indicated having those feelings toward me.  He never even gave me a chance to work on it together or to address it together before deciding that we were done-zo!

So, in reading this article, I'm reminded about this alternative scenario that I rejected from my consciousness.  I have refused to wonder if we broke-up because he was sick of me, and sick of putting up with me. It is too heartbreaking for me to accept that as a reality. It's too much of a shocker because it turns my world upside-down and inside-out.  Assuming Robert and I broke up because he was fed-up with me, I will be devastated because it takes away all the good things I thought were true in our relationship.  If he really had so much resentment towards me, I will not know how to see myself anymore. I will completely doubt myself and also my reality.  I will question if the good things I experienced were actually true.  I will lose faith in myself that my instincts pick up facts. I will no longer be able to interact with anyone without wondering if they perceive me in a totally different way than how I perceive myself.

So please. Please please please: if you are going to dump someone, tell them. Explain it to them. Do something that gives them closure rather than say nothing and go away. Give them closure. Give ME closure. Because without knowing why you broke up, wondering about endless possibilities could drive a person to madness.  Or it could just keep that person pining over you and feeling heartbroken for years and years and years.  Don't punish them like that. Help them to let go. Help ME let go.

Why did we break up?

Earlier tonight, I talked to a friend about Robert and questioned aloud if I will ever forget this first love of mine.  My dear friend asked me something very poignant and has gotten me thinking ever since.

When I expressed being frustrated at our unhappy ending (to date), my friend asked me the following questions: "What if he told you why you broke up and the answer is not good enough for you?"

Hmm... Interesting. That's a good question.

What does "good enough" mean?

Suppose Robert were to say, "I don't know, I guess it just ended"-- that would not be good enough, I guess.  I would be confused and I would want specifics, like... "Why did it just end?" "Why did you/I/we let it end?" "Why wasn't it worth it to keep it going and not end?"

Suppose Robert said, "There was too much chaos at that time in my life, with my mom's health issues, my dad's financial issues, my own academic and career issues..."-- that would also not be good enough because I would not know why those things have any connection to our relationship.  This quote is actually a summary of what he actually told me when I saw him a few years ago.  But rather than ask him what it had to do with us, I immediately shifted to how he's doing now, and how his mom and dad have been doing since then.  I never asked about us.  I felt it was too selfish and too me-me-me-focused, and instead, I have obsessed about it by myself ever since.

So clearly, after talking to my friend, I've thought about a few hypothetical answers and I have realized that at this point, what I need to know is: whether he loves me today, whether he loved me at the time when we broke up, and whether he loved me when we were together.  Was it real?

I didn't have the guts to ask him these exact questions when I saw him a few years ago.  I felt too cowardly. Today, I continue to feel terrified of his answer and how it will shatter my image of him and of our relationship.  There is the saying: "action speaks louder than words" and if I were bright enough, I would know that his inaction has spoken volumes.  Over the years, Robert's inactions have been telling me very clearly & very explicitly that he does not love me any more, that he couldn't care less about me or what is happening with me or my life. And he has completely disappeared as much as possible to me and to all of his friends, into some sort of a depression hole.  In the few times that he's interacted with his friends, he's told them not to relay any information to me. He's been surprised to hear that I socialize with them.  And he's been upset that they have chosen to interact with both myself and him. I didn't find out any of this until this winter break when I went home. For the first time, I learned that over the past few years, he's been guarding against me like I'm an enemy, or at the very least, an outsider that he wants little/nothing to do with.

Learning all that information has been very hurtful.  And I kind of forgot about it until... now. Why? Why did I "forget" that Robert chooses to disappear from everyone including me? Why can't I accept that he wants nothing from me and nothing to do with me.

Why can't I accept this reality for what it is?

Through his actions and inactions, Robert is saying he feels nothing for me, he's moved on, and he doesn't even want to have any direct or indirect contact from me.  Why do I continue to romanticize him and our relationship and feel like there was so much more, when clearly there's absolutely nothing left?

This entry makes me feel utterly pathetic, desperate, and all the things I would never want to be associated with.  Alas, it is a version of the truth, and although it hurts, it's also very real.

He exists!

On my way to Penny's baby shower party (that I was co-hosting), I got a call from my high school friend, Jenny.  At first, I contemplated not picking up, since I was in the car about to get to my location.  But curiosity got the best of me, because rarely does she call me at daytime (she's such a party animal she's usually awake only when it's nighttime!).

Turns out, I was right.  Jenny had news for me.

She starts with, "guess who I just saw?"  And I start racking my brain for all the possibilities.  I mean, high school was what, 2,000 people? I'm sure I can narrow it down somehow.  And between us and our ex-boyfriends, I know exactly who would freak us both out to warrant a call like that!

Well, it was news related to Robert, my first love, and it was the kind of phone call I've been waiting for, for oh, the past 7 years of my life.  It's actually been surprising for me that it's taken THIS long for me to hear news from him.  It's taken THIS long to accidentally get info from him, when my hometown is all of THIS big (not very big if you get my drift).

The news is really not that big.  Jenny was having a garage sale, and Robert's friend comes by to buy some things.  Jenny plays dumb and asks about high school friendships and people they know in common.  She learns that Robert is now working as an electrical engineer way out near the airport and that he commutes about an hour each day for his job. She mentions my name and Robert's friend looks at her cluelessly and says he has no idea who I am. She repeats my name again, and still, there is no sign of recall.  Jenny quickly drops the topic so she can gather more information about Robert, but that was really about it.  He still lives at home with his mom.  His mom is doing fine, healthwise (yes she asked). Annnd that was it. The end.

Throughout our phone conversation, my heart was pounding like you could not believe. Finally.  Finally! After all these years, I am hearing first-hand from my dear friend, some news about Robert that I know is credible.  It's one thing to hear things from Robert's friends when I go home during vacations.  Those girls are his friends. I wouldn't be surprised if they lied and lied to my face.  But to hear it from Jenny? That is a completely different story.  Jenny, I trust. Jenny is my friend through and through.  Jenny has seen me at my worst post-break-up.  And Jenny knows.  I mean, Jenny knows how devastated I have been, and how heartbroken I continue to feel about him, even today.

So... hearing the news from Jenny, albeit small news, is... earth-shattering for me.

When Robert and I were in high school, his passion had always been for graphic design.  He dreamed of working for Pixar and he was so creative, so talented, and just so... artistic.  He saw things I didn't see. He admired things I couldn't begin to appreciate. He was an artist, that was that! And that was probably one of the reasons my dad didn't feel so fond of him.

In college, Robert worked full-time at a real state company and went to school part-time to get his degree in something practical: business. He didn't love it, but he did it for a functional purpose, and it seemed like a good combination with his future degree in art.  In our heads, we envisioned he would someday pursue graphic design. It was simply a matter of timing.

But then we broke up and I didn't know what happened for 4 years after that.  When I contacted him 4 years later to ask about us and to get closure, he updated me on his life to say that he was pursuing a degree in engineering.  He was really embarrassed when he said it, mostly because he was getting his degree from an online school.  He was also doing it not because he felt passionate, and not even because he had any interest in engineering. Instead, he chose the field because it was the best way to make money fast.  Apparently, around the time that we broke up, his mom had been diagnosed with cancer and being a single parent, and him being an only child, he needed to contribute to the medical expenses fast.

I don't know happened after that, although I do wonder (all the time) whether he still dabbles in graphic design.  I also didn't know when he would graduate, and what kind of engineering he would pursue.  The idea of Robert being an engineer just didn't fit.  It still doesn't fit, but I actually have so much more respect for him that he's doing it, and that he did it.

So, as I hear from Jenny that he is currently an employed, salaried engineer, I have so many mixed emotions.

I feel happy for him because he did it.  I am so proud of him that he's accomplished his goal and that he's making money for his mom.  I also feel heartbroken for him and wonder how much he's had to let-go of his dreams.  I wonder if he's happy, if he feels a sense of purpose and meaning in his work.  And I wonder if things are finally more stable now, than when he had to climb and uphill battle pursuing his studies.  Being employed and having a stable job should be relaxing now, right?

And now, here it comes: my expectations.  If Robert is so stable now, and if his mom is doing OK, and if he's attained his goal, then what is he doing/thinking/wanting in his love life?  Is he... dating someone? Is he... in love?  Does he... regret our break-up? Does he still... love me?  And if so, why hasn't he come back to even ask about me?

I recounted Jenny's news to my mom and got a harsh but necessary dose of reality.  My mom said to me, Wow! If Robert's friend doesn't even know your name in the slightest, then it's obvious he doesn't mention you, ever.

Ding ding ding!  100 points for Robert, 0 for me.  Again.

I hadn't even thought about it.  Whereas in my entire circle of friends, practically everyone of them will know Robert's name, and know of his significance in my life, it's clear that I account for exactly nothing in his life.  Even his friend, who I've double-dated with when Robert and I were in high school, couldn't remember me.  Meaning that Robert probably couldn't be bothered to even recollect who I am, either.

At the end of my conversation with mom, she asked me not to let this news have a ripple-effect on my mood.  I shrugged her off and said "no way, this is closure, mom!" But I have been wrong. I have spent the past few days thinking about Robert and feeling very very emotional.  I just looked through all of my posts that are tagged with "first love" and cried and cried.

It is so incredibly painful knowing that you are so small in someone else's world, but they were/are everything in yours.

Deja Vu

The day after my confrontation with B., I went to school nervously, but was glad not to see him anywhere.

The day following that, I hoped he already left town so I could be at peace again.  How wrong I was.

Because of the anxiety/drain that I felt from his mere presence, I was taking naps all week.  I was trying to avoid reality and to do so by diving into unconsciousness.  When I woke up that afternoon, I got a voicemail from Connie saying she had seen B. and that she had something to show me. In a very short amount of time, I quickly went from groggy to anxiety and fear.  Is he still here? Why is he still here? What is he doing in town now? Hasn't it been 2 days later? Shouldn't he be gone already?

It turns out, Connie had a video to show me.  A video from when she caught B. walking hand-in-hand with a girl just outside our office building that afternoon!  She sent it to me and told me how surprised she was when she walked out the front door and saw him heading down the street (towards her) in broad daylight holding hands with someone else.  Connie had been so surprised she froze and then decided to video record him and this other woman on her phone!  She could not believe the coincidence and she wanted to make sure I know that I had NOTHING to feel guilty for from our last confrontation.  As she talked, she laughed, describing to me the scenario of her video recording him, and him being caught by her and shooting her glaring looks. She's certain that he recognized her.  She quickly sent the video and told me to call her after I watch it.

As I jumped into the car getting ready to buy last-minute groceries, I stopped at a red light and opened-up that video. 

There it was: in broad daylight, B. walking hand-in-hand with a red-headed girl. He's wearing the exact same clothes he had on when I saw him in our last two encounters. He is walking in the same nonchalant way he always walks. And when he sees the video/phone towards him, he glares at the camera person before turning his face down toward the ground.

As I'm watching the beginning of the video, I'm laughing out loud, imagining Connie pulling out her phone in the middle of the day, in the middle of the road, blatantly recording someone walking down the street.  I feel relieved that this video is about another girl rather than of him waiting for me at my office door. I feel liberated that he has moved on and I hope that it means I will finally be left alone by him. I feel such a large burden removed from my shoulder.  I feel like I can breathe again and also not feel guilty for our last conversation. But just as quickly as I laughed and am starting to feel good, I find myself suddenly starting to sob.  No tears come out, but I am heaving heavily and my breath is caught in my throat. My chest hurts, my nose is feeling that soreness before I start to cry, and my eyes are feeling watery and near-explosive. I don't understand what's happening to my body nor do I understand how I am emotionally responding.  Why did I laugh earlier? Why am I about to cry? Why does my heart hurt as though it is breaking again? Why am I so confused, and why don't I understand what is happening within me in this very moment?

I call Connie back and she is feeling celebratory about "catching him" and being able to show me the video. She's so glad to document the scum that he is.  She is shell-shocked about this coincidence and cannot believe he had the audacity to parade a girl around, just 2 days after writing me a note saying he is not dating.  She is certain he is a pathological liar.  And she is completely positive about him being very very mentally sick. She is happy for me and is so happy to share this with me. This should be wonderful evidence for me to feel better. Now I don't have to feel bad about our last conversation.  And now, I should be even more convinced that leaving him was the best thing I did. I agree with her--rationally.  Emotionally, however, I want to join her enthusiasm but I can't. I can't catch up to that enthusiasm and I need time to understand how I'm feeling first. I tell her I'll call her back and then I start driving.  And shopping. I wander the aisles in the grocery store and grab what I need. When I realize it's 9pm and I'm incredibly hungry, I stop by at a very new and already-famous burger joint.  It's already closing-time so I am the last customer waiting in line.  I order a burger and sit alone trying to eat console my body. Even after eating the entire thing, I'm still not ready to go home, so I go to another grocery store.  I head to a 24-hour grocery store this time and wander down every single aisle.  I call Penny. I call my mom. I tell them about the video and then I begin to openly cry.

In my car is where I cry.  But also in the store.  I tell them how mixed I feel and how confused I am. Although I am relieved on the one hand, I feel so betrayed on the other. I am experiencing deja vu, and it's like a sick sick game being replayed over for me.  2 years ago, I had gotten a similar message right after I caught him cheating with someone else.  It had been a Wednesday when I first caught him cheating.  And it was on that Friday that we went to couples counseling.  On Saturday afternoon, he called to say he was going to walk to the coffee shop for some coffee, and a few hours later, Penny called and apologetically gave me the devastating news.  Penny said sorry a few times and then said that she was at the park with her family.  She said she thought she saw me and B. together and had run up to say hi to us.  Before reaching "us", she realized that it was B. with another girl.  She saw him hold hands with this girl and before he looked up to see her.  When B. saw Penny, he quickly shoved that girl away, but she ran back to him to hold his hands. In the same way that B. had looked downward at the groun,d he did the same when walking past Penny. He avoided eye contact altogether and walked away as briskly as possible. I remember that when Penny told me this over the phone, her voice began to crack and she began to cry. She told me not to forgive him, not to listen to his sorry excuses, and not to let him into my life again.  This infidelity was not the same as Wednesday's discovery.  This girl he's cheating with was not the same girl I caught just 2 days ago.  This was someone completely different and it was within a span of 2 days that he was doing it. We had just gone to couples counseling the day before, and already, I was being lied to, again.  Once, twice, three times, who knows how many more lies there are?!

So.... that is my deja vu when I see this video.  Penny hadn't taken a video last time, but her words were just as good as my eyes. Within seconds of her call, B. had called and I had ignored about 10 of his calls before I finally picked up. He apologized first and then lied some more. He insisted that the girl was a friend and that Penny saw wrong. He concocted story after story after story. I won't delve into the details of that story in this post. That is a long long story for a different day. For now, it just triggered everything, in the same way an avalanche crashes and drowns you.

This video triggered me and continues to trigger my memories and my emotions.  What the hell, man. I thought I was broken before and that I was starting to heal now.  I thought I had hit rock bottom and that I was trying to climb back up.  I thought I was making good progress and starting to forget about this person and the pain he inflicted on me.  HECK, I thought this person would no longer be in my life and much more, I thought he could no longer ever ever hurt me. 

Boy, I was so wrong.  Boy was I ever so wrong... in every one of these questions, I was dead wrong.

Pre-Confrontation

Before running into B. in the parking lot, I had discovered a note jammed in the door of my car.

It was a note from B., from the day before.  In it, he wrote HI!!! He wrote that he was so happy to see me even if it was just for a few seconds before I went into a meeting with my advisor. He said he went to my office 1 hour ago but was not able to find me. He said he was in town for the next 2 days because he is working on a project with his former advisor. He said he wishes me well and he used terms of affection to refer to me. He emphasized wanting to thank me twice. He said that he no longer smokes. He no longer drinks. He's working on publishing his 3rd book. And last but not least, he is single and has not dating a prospective partner for marriage. Oh, and good luck at my meetings!

My reactions:
1. WTF, are you crazy? What world are you living in that you think our "seeing" each other was a good thing? I was so busy running away from you, why would you think it was a purposeful meeting instead of me avoiding you altogether?

2. How dare you use terms of affection to refer to me.  We broke up almost 9 months ago and it was not on good terms.  I said don't show up to my office, don't call me, don't email me, don't contact me in any way.  Why would you think we are even the slightest bit friendly with each other?

3. Good for you that you no longer smoke, drink, and womanize.  On the one hand, I am happy for you.  I hope you are living a healthier life.  On the other hand, I feel like his health has been exchanged for mine.  I lost so much at the expense of this change.  I've been dragged through so much pain for the good he feels now.  Ironic that he never thought drinking/smoking/womanizing was a problem.  Now you thank me for getting you out of all those nasty habits?

4. How does he know that I'm going to meeting after meeting after meeting?


Following our confrontation, I felt quite a lot of guilt.  I thought of his note and wondered about his efforts to change and be healthy.  In no way do I EVER want to be back with him.  Never ever ever ever ever.  I'd sooner jump off a high-riser than let him touch even one single hair on me.

But still, if someone is attempting to change for the better, shouldn't they get some bit of encouragement? Shouldn't there be some recognition of strivings for growth (even if their growth was at the expense of your health)?

So, that was my guilt.  And I did feel guilty for being so cruel, so mean, and so cold to him.  Therein lies that cycle where he makes me feel like I'm crazy, I'm mean, I'm the perpetrator and he's the victim.  So many friends have had to remind me that our dynamic is part of a bigger process, and not an isolated event.  I am not mean to him on this one occasion. It is the ONLY way to deal with him and to give him the consistent message that I do NOT want him near me.  It is also the ONLY way to respond to him, because any sign of softness will be interpreted as weakness and he will prey on me... again.  Still, I felt guilty and spent an afternoon hiding in my covers feeling very very bad.

Confrontation

I actually ran-into B. in the parking lot today.  I choose to believe it was an accidental encounter, although I wouldn't be that surprised if he had planned it.

I stood in shock and exasperation as he started laughing and saying what a coincidence it was. He laughed for a long time. As he laughed and commented on seeing my car and also parking 2 spaces away from my car, I looked up at the sky and said to myself, "ugh, I must be cursed." When I asked what he wanted from me, he said it was a coincidental run-in and completely unplanned. He asserted that he didn't even call me! And then he laughed some more. I coldly told him to "keep it that way" and started shuffling my feet to prepare to leave. In seconds, he was within arm's reach attempting to give me a huge hug.  I quickly jumped back and stuck my hand out to maintain the distance between us. As seriously I could, I enunciated every word: "Do. not. touch. me. " He laughed as though I said a joke and he looked confused. True to my understanding of him, he acted like we were long-lost friends and asked me how I'm doing. He didn't take "fine" for an answer. He kept asking me, "really? really?" as though I couldn't possibly be fine.  When I asked him what he wanted from me, he repeated that he wanted nothing because we were actually running into each other by accident in the parking lot. Our encounter probably lasted less than 2 minutes but it felt like much longer. I know that within that time, he tried again to hug me.  And again, I moved quickly and asserted that I did not want him even near me, much less touch me. I don't remember what happened in the end, just that I said goodbye and left.  I know he kept talking.  I know he said things like "take care" or blah blah blah but I couldn't bother to listen.  I just needed out, away. I just wanted him to be far far away.  As I walked and heard his voice in the distance, I felt scared but also liberated. This is it, right?  This has to be the last encounter, right? I'm making it crystal clear, aren't I? He won't follow me because he's finally getting it, right?

For some reason, I don't think I'm in the clear yet. I still have 1 more day before he supposedly leaves my state/city/workplace. At any given time, I fear he will show up. I fear he will corner me. I fear he will touch me and impose himself on me. When I think about what I'm most scared of, I think about that feeling of being trapped, stuck, dirty, and helpless. After our encounter today, I also realize that I fear exactly what I feel now: empathy, pity, and even guilt.

Following our confrontation, I had meeting-after-meeting-after meeting. I had such a headache that I took the afternoon off and returned home for a nap. I was just so tired. So frickin' tired and so avoidant of my feelings. I've spent the entire afternoon wondering if I was too mean. Wondering if I hurt his feelings. Wondering if he feels ambushed by my coldness and if I was uncharacteristically cruel.

The logical side of me knows I had to be clear, consistent, and cold. I want nothing to do with him, and every inch I give him will become part of what he takes from me.  B. does not take no for answer. He can smell weakness and he knows how to take advantage of when a woman softens. Being the professional womanizer that he is, I know that being cruel is the only way for this to work. But in my heart-of-hearts, I also hate that I've had to change myself to respond to somoene. I hate having to be so out-of-character, so angry, so hurt, so sad, and so weak that I have to be mean instead of be peaceful from within.

Today, I am far from feeling peaceful. I feel disappointed, sad, and a little hopeless. I feel like all these weeks and even month(s) of growth were pointless.  I don't even know if I ever moved forward.  I feel enveloped in sadness and I am feeling so vividly, that angst I felt when I was with him.  It is a mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, guilt, all mixed together and sapping every little bit of my identity and motivation. I am in it, once again.  I feel like I am drowning once again.  I just want to crawl into my covers once again.

A waste of...

I have an aversion toward wastefulness.  I hate wasting time, food, energy, you name it!  I cannot stand wasting.

My brother is currently dating a woman who I really like.  My only (but major) annoyance is her tendency to waste food.  She'll take a couple of bites out of her meal and throw the rest away.  She'll order a giant steaming cup of coffee and toss it after just a couple of sips.

Wasting.  Whether it's a tangible object thrown away or emotional investment thrown into the wind, I find it gut-wrenching. 

Case-in-point: all of my failed relationships.

I look back and feel like I've wasted a lot of unneccessary time, energy, resources, and potential on boys/men who have broken my heart.  My friends comfort me of course.  They say, "Nono! Those are life experiences.  You will grow from them and you will know more about what you want."

My friends are partly right.  I agree that I'm growing (and will continue to grow) from the challenges that life throws at me.  At the same time, I still look back and feel like I've wasted way to much time with people who weren't appropriate for me.  A good friend once gave me some wise words of comfort when I asked if I was a magnet for mean men.  She said that I wasn't necessarily problematic as a person.  But I do tend to hold onto relationships even after seeing all the red flags.  Whereas most people would see the problems and say, "thanks but no thanks! I release you back int othe sea!"  I don't let them go, and I instead continue to hold on and to have hope.

So maybe that's the wasted time.  Perhaps none of my ex-partners were a waste of my life experiences.  But the length of time I spent with them could have definitely be shortened.  From now on, I want to place more value on my time and to make sure I don't waste anymore than I already have.

Speaking of waste... the paleo diet is scaring me because of how much "waste" I have to clean out.  I have so many yummy foods and snacks that are considered NONpaleo, but that I don't have the heart to throw away. What am I supposed to do with my ricotta cheese? My soy milk? My soy sauce? My tofu? My mango and milk ice cream bars? My chocolate drumsticks with peanut chips on top? My sesame balls wrapped in rice? Throw them all away? That would be wasting -- and wasting is so heartbreaking for me!