Pre-Confrontation

Before running into B. in the parking lot, I had discovered a note jammed in the door of my car.

It was a note from B., from the day before.  In it, he wrote HI!!! He wrote that he was so happy to see me even if it was just for a few seconds before I went into a meeting with my advisor. He said he went to my office 1 hour ago but was not able to find me. He said he was in town for the next 2 days because he is working on a project with his former advisor. He said he wishes me well and he used terms of affection to refer to me. He emphasized wanting to thank me twice. He said that he no longer smokes. He no longer drinks. He's working on publishing his 3rd book. And last but not least, he is single and has not dating a prospective partner for marriage. Oh, and good luck at my meetings!

My reactions:
1. WTF, are you crazy? What world are you living in that you think our "seeing" each other was a good thing? I was so busy running away from you, why would you think it was a purposeful meeting instead of me avoiding you altogether?

2. How dare you use terms of affection to refer to me.  We broke up almost 9 months ago and it was not on good terms.  I said don't show up to my office, don't call me, don't email me, don't contact me in any way.  Why would you think we are even the slightest bit friendly with each other?

3. Good for you that you no longer smoke, drink, and womanize.  On the one hand, I am happy for you.  I hope you are living a healthier life.  On the other hand, I feel like his health has been exchanged for mine.  I lost so much at the expense of this change.  I've been dragged through so much pain for the good he feels now.  Ironic that he never thought drinking/smoking/womanizing was a problem.  Now you thank me for getting you out of all those nasty habits?

4. How does he know that I'm going to meeting after meeting after meeting?


Following our confrontation, I felt quite a lot of guilt.  I thought of his note and wondered about his efforts to change and be healthy.  In no way do I EVER want to be back with him.  Never ever ever ever ever.  I'd sooner jump off a high-riser than let him touch even one single hair on me.

But still, if someone is attempting to change for the better, shouldn't they get some bit of encouragement? Shouldn't there be some recognition of strivings for growth (even if their growth was at the expense of your health)?

So, that was my guilt.  And I did feel guilty for being so cruel, so mean, and so cold to him.  Therein lies that cycle where he makes me feel like I'm crazy, I'm mean, I'm the perpetrator and he's the victim.  So many friends have had to remind me that our dynamic is part of a bigger process, and not an isolated event.  I am not mean to him on this one occasion. It is the ONLY way to deal with him and to give him the consistent message that I do NOT want him near me.  It is also the ONLY way to respond to him, because any sign of softness will be interpreted as weakness and he will prey on me... again.  Still, I felt guilty and spent an afternoon hiding in my covers feeling very very bad.

Guilt

Guilt.  That dirty little thing.  It's almost as bad as shame, but it's actually very different.  It's about what you DID as opposed to who you ARE.  It's less of an identity-problem than shame, but it's worse in some ways because you can actually change it.  You can believe that if you did something different, you would feel less guilty. Whereas, with shame, there's nothing you can do to change feeling shameful... other than change who you are altogether, I suppose.

I had so much guilt after my encounter with B.  I felt so mean, cruel, so cold, and simultaneously, I felt disgusted with these feelings at the same time.  My run-in with him is identical to other encounters we have had.  Time and time again, when he has broken my heart, devastated me, and dragged my morale through glass shards, he will re-appear before me with a big smile and a big hug, asking me, "what's wrong?"  That is B.'s signature move and it killed me-- the most slow and gruesome pain I could have ever experienced. He did it to me over and over until I lost every shred of my identity and confidence in myself. I doubted every aspect of who I was, from my self-worth down to how I was feeling in-the-moment.  It was B.'s world, not mine.

What usually happens is something devastating in our relationship.  I just caught him cheating. We just had a huge blow-out fight. He just told me he has no intentions of pursuing long-distance dating and is just playing around until something better comes around. There will be tears, there will be pain, there will be heartache.  But a few minutes later, or even a few hours later, he will re-emerge completely differently. He will have a smile on him when I see him again. He will show up looking absolutely happy and acting like we have not seen each other in ages. As I stand there feeling like my heart is figuratively dripping with blood, he will run towards me with open arms and ask me what's wrong. He will put on a sad puppy dog face and tell me he loves me.  He will ask me if everything's OK, and he will play dumb and act genuinely concerned.  He will appear concerned to see that I'm crying-- as though he is shocked that I am crying. He will make me feel like I'm certifiably crazy because of how starkly different our reactions are.  And in time, I will wonder if I'm crazy.  I will wonder why he is responding like nothing has happened when he just got caught cheating. I will wonder how he suddenly became a different person from 2 minutes/hours or even 1 day ago.  As he embraces me, I will feel complete and utter confusion and I will wonder if I'm making it a bigger deal that it is.  I will wonder if I'm too petty, and if my reaction is too dramatic.  I will question why if I should even be angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, and confused.  I will re-consider if my reaction is actually legitimate, or if I am the strange one, and I should act so care-free, like him.

B. has done that to me a countless number of times.  Countless.  I am not exaggerating.  This happened so so so so much. That is why I fear him coming near me.  That is why when he smiles at me, asks me what's wrong, ask me how it's going, I freak the fuck out.  I seriously freak the fuck out in my head because it's happening again. He is manipulating with my identity, my feelings, my instincts, all over again. He is pulling me into his fantasy world and it is only a matter of minutes before I question everything I know.

In the 1-2 times that I've followed-through with my feelings, I will feel guilty afterwards. I will feel guilty for being in the same hurt/angry mode while he has already quickly switched into a lovey dovey/oblivious mode.  He will put on the most genuine look of confusion, although I have sometimes seen a shadow of reality sink in. From the outside looking-in, an observer would feel sad for him, that a woman is yelling, screaming, crying, and pushing him away while he looks concerned, loving, caring, and confused.  The scenario would look like a crazy girlfriend going ballistic while a patient, logical boyfriend is trying to understand and console her.

I remember when we went to 1 couples counseling session after I caught him cheating the 1st time.  Throughout the entire session, he repeated one phrase and did not say anything other than that.  His reaction to everything was: "... but i love her." He blocked out the reality of my pain and wanted to use that statement to make me forget all the pain and agony that I felt.

Me: Why would you do this?
Him: I love you.
Me: I don't understand! How could you? Why lie to me?
Him: But I love you.
Me: How can I trust you again?
Him: You have to. You just have to. I'm sorry. I love you.
Me: Just tell me what happened.
Him: I love you. I love you. I love just you.


In his world of inflicting pain (and having no consequences), I end up feeling crazy and mean and spiteful.  I end up feeling like I am crazy and he is normal.  I end up feeling like I am the problem, not him. And I end up feeling like I am the one hurting him, not the other way around.

That is the sick guilt that I felt from our relationship. Because he ran into fantasy world, I would feel guilty for being in reality.  I would feel guilty that I was so hurt and wanted answers. I felt guilty for thinking I hurt him, for thinking I confused him, for thinking I deserved an explanation. Both he and I gave myself this guilt.  And I am just as responsible for taking it on, and for letting him get away while I drowned myself in the pain AND the self-imposed guilt.