Silence = rejection?

Whenever I don't hear from someone, I envision they are actively trying to cut me out of their lives.
OR
That might seem too narcissistic, so sometimes I imagine that they don't think of me at all. You know the saying: "out of sight, out of mind."

Both scenarios SUCK because I am either a nuisance or too marginal to be considered. In short, silence frightens me because the list of options are exactly that:

1. You are actively and purposefully ignoring of me.
2. You easily forgot about me and can't be bothered to remember that I exist.

Both scenarios have happened with the same person: my first love! So, it's really not an unrealistic fear because they've both been my reality.

Today, I didn't hear much from Jay and I assumed the same. I thought to myself, "OK. He's seen you in every possible setting and is officially sick of you."

I envisioned him picking up his phone, looking at a text I sent, and then choosing to ignore it and do something else instead. That is scenario 1.

Scenario 2 is him being busy-- so busy that he hasn't looked at his phone all day and doesn't even think to do it because in his mind, it doesn't matter if I'm trying to contact him. He hasn't thought of me, so he's not  concerned about being in touch at all.

I was sad thinking about both scenarios but I plowed forward to do my work, cook dinner, and hang out with Mr. Z.

Around midnight, Jay texted to say he's been working all night. He then called to ask how my day's been, and then told me all about his busy busy day. He told me what he's planning for the rest of the week, he told me little details of today, like what he's eaten and what he fantasizes eating. He also told me he broke a spoke on his bicycle wheel (What's a spoke?) and then shared a funny story about a party that happened a few years ago with his professors and one of his colleagues.

As he shared these random tidbits, my heart calmed. My spirit slowly landed back on the ground. My sadness and anxiety slowly dissipated, and instead, laughter and warmth filled my soul. I thought to myself, "oh, I'm not invisible and I do matter to him."

Little by little, Jay has been fixing my dysfunctional, unhealthy, anxiety-ridden heart and giving me corrective experiences so that I am a little less broken than before.

With his phone call tonight, he showed me that he can be busy and still want me. There can be silence but it doesn't necessarily mean he is ignoring me or forgetting me. Apparently, silence isn't always a sign of rejection or abandonment. It doesn't always foreshadow impending loss and pain. Silence isn't always permanent.

Pandora's box

SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.

So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.

Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life.  Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!

Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend.  Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.

I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade.  DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?

What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?

I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true.  When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me.  It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.

I can't breathe.

The shadow of his exes

My insecurities are getting the worst of me today.  I'm telling you, it's the post-Valentine's blues!

I recently learned that Jay has been in a total of 2 relationships.

1. Ex-girlfriend #1 was his first love that began during his junior year of high school when he said he was with a "ghetto" chick for 1 year. They ended things because she was overly possessive, jealous, and in his words: "toxic."  
2. Ex-girlfriend #2 was a relationship that started in his senior year of high school and lasted 10 years.  Yes, you heard me, 10 years. Much of that relationship was long-distance and they broke up mutually & amicably 2 years ago because they realized they were more friends than romantic partners. Apparently, she left school and moved back to her hometown and their life paths changed. He said that his hometown could never be an option because there's nothing there for him professionally. In any case, during one of their visits together, they mutually decided to take a "break" from each other. The day after, they met again and decided to call it quits, permanently.  

Wow. The ending of a 10 year relationship and it's just over? Just like that?  Applied to my life, it would be like my dating history never happened. I would have been with Robert for the last 8 years!

So I asked a million questions to learn more about Jay's feelings and reactions. Was he utterly devastated? Heartbroken? Sad, at least? He said no, no, and no. Apparently, during the last 2 years of that relationship, it already felt like they were dwindling. So when they finally cut it off, he really didn't feel like it affected his life or emotional experiences, either.

Jay's story scares me because it makes me wonder if he's ever been in love. I asked him if he had thought ex-girlfriend #2 could have been his wife someday-- and his answer was yes, because they'd been together for so long. What kind of an answer is that?!

NOTE: If anyone ever proposes to me, it better because they can't imagine living life without me and not because we'd been together long enough that it feels like the right thing to do/next step to take.

I don't really get Jay. Has he experienced heartbreak? Does he know what angst is like? Rejection? Does he know what being alone is like? Or what his own identity is-- separate from a partner?

Of course, I did not ask all of those questions aloud. But I did hint at them and he responded that he spent the last 2 years figuring out his individuality: traveling and learning about himself.

The bitter and cynical part of me snorted at that. 2 years, buddy? Seriously? That's nothing. Try 10 years of singlehood-- interspersed with 2 toxic, abusive relationships and a handful of sleepovers with guys who offered good dates at first, but then seemed utterly incompatible.

But why compare myself with him? By doing that, what am I accomplishing? What kind of sick game is that, and if it were game, who would the winner be?

• Who's been rejected more?
• Who's experienced more pain?
• Who appreciates being in a relationship more?
• Who is more pure?
• Who endorses more naiveness and optimism?

My insecurity is popping up because of how much I realize I miss him, sometimes.

Every time he's about to leave my house, I feel this wave of dread and sadness.
After he leaves, I become immobilized in some way, and unable to return to real life. I wait the full 2 hours and 35 minutes for him to get home and my life is essentially on-hold until then. When I finally get the text that he's safe and sound, I can resume life again.

His absence can feel really significant sometimes, and on days (like today), I really miss him and I'm pretty sure the feeling is not mutual because he's either sleeping, working, or playing with his bicycle.

That's when I think: Hmph, he doesn't miss me because a) our life experiences are totally different based on our dating history, or b) he just doesn't like me as much as I like him.

HINT: Both response options suck.

2 year hiatus

Hello.

It's been almost 2 years since I last visited this blog, much less write in it.  I thought I had moved on and was too good for it. So, I actively ignore it despite the many times I would have benefitted from having this space for myself.

Last year, I moved to a big city for a year-long internship, where I experienced an entire year of diversity, night life, excitement, and constant stimulation. I imagined a life of active dating, romance, and I was certain, I was absolutely certain that I would be meeting the love of my life and living happily ever after. 

Boy, was I wrong.

I was miserable last year, yet I did not write in this journal or any other journal. I refused. I stubbornly believed that writing it meant accepting it, and I did not want to admit how disappointing, nay, how devastating the year turned out to be. I had been so positive that I would be done with heartache, sadness, and pain. I wanted nothing more than to move on from this blog and its topic. I needed to believe I had a healthier self and self-in-relationships.

Well, I partially succeeded because I put myself out there and dated a whole lot.
But I was also miserable almost all of the time.

Last year = roller coaster year of emotions. Partly, it was my unreal expectations. The other part was that the men I dated did not believe in anything other than immediate gratification.  Put those 2 together and it was instant heartache for me. INSTANT. CONSTANT. REPETITIVE.

The trouble with every one of those relationships was that I was leaving their city, and I had to believe I would meet the one who would change my life forever.  My one-year internship was just that: one year. I knew I would likely leave and re-locate elsewhere. I just didn't know how quickly the offer would come, and whether I would take it. When I received an offer to work in a community that is rural, less progressive, less exciting, and less desirable-- I was tortured. Love life or career life? Stay and pursue the unknown by following my heart or following what is reasonable, logical, realistic, and necessary for both financial survival as well as my own career plan. I secretly hoped I'd meet my knight in shining armor and he would tell me what to do. I wanted him to say stay! Because the truth is, I would have. If someone had asked me.

No one asked me. So, I wrote pros/cons lists. I consulted with friends, colleagues, mentors, teachers, advisers, therapists, and even fortune-tellers. I cried. A lot. I contemplated not making any decision altogether. In fact, I spent a lot of time under the comforter pretending reality did not exist. In the end, I decided to leave and take my current position. Goodbye city, hello village (OK, I exaggerate-- ruralville, not village). Still, it was one of the most challenging decisions of my life, and yet I knew that I had to pursue what is realistic and within my control.  My career is dependable and I understand it far more than any relationship or love life.

Well, once I knew I was leaving, the dating experience-- which was just starting-- began to plummet and spiral for the remainder of the year. Dating became anxiety-provoking. On date 1 or at least 2, I would have to tell them the truth. My personality called for this kind of openness and also the men I dated often wanted to know my future plans. Hearing the word "internship" naturally led them to question: what are you doing afterwards?  And upon hearing my news that I would be leaving, the blood would literally drain out of their faces while they tried to compose themselves to act polite, accepting, and open to the possibility of continuing to date me. No one wanted to date me after that, but still, I held on, clinging to the hope that one of them could be mr. right.

One guy strung me along all 7 months that we knew each other and broke my heart in small increments over his hot-and-cold attitude. Another guy insisted I was the love of his life and yet his behaviors never matched his words (e.g., inconsistent texts, last-minute cancelled dates, no time to see me-- ever). The last guy was a was so kind and warm that I mistook him for a friend. I (or we) missed the timing to be something more and when I eventually realized my feelings and poured my heart out to him, he no longer had those feelings for me and said we missed the boat.

Tears. I cried so many tears last year over 3 specific boys. In a city as large as the one I was in, I never felt as lonely as I did, or as insignificant to so many people.





And now? Having moved to this small rural community where I constantly feel an absence of diversity, city life, or anything remotely cool, I have met and am dating an amazing guy who makes my heart soar. (More on him, later, I promise!)

Isn't it ironic that when I moved here a few months ago, I had decided to give up on pursuing a love life, much being in one?

With my 2 year hiatus behind me, I am now wise enough to return to this blog to face myself honestly and admit that I was at my lowest point last year. I am finally willing to confront how last year was. I am now able to reflect on how painful that year was, and to want to learn from those experiences.

Despite the fear that arises from deep in my stomach, I'd also like to be honest about my current relationship and to sit with the anxieties that erupt out of me. This relationship is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. It is so good that I am terrified. My stomach flips when I use the word "relationship" because prior experiences suggest that it will only go downhill.  Because of these instinctual reactions, I know that it's time to return to writing-- for me, for the collective us that feel these pains, for whoever can benefit from my inner angst. Whatever happens in these relationships-- good or bad, I challenge myself to myself to write again and to accept vulnerability again.

Welcome back, me.  It's time to dig deep again.

Oh, mother-child relationships

As I laid in bed this morning listening to the tree branches tapping wildly in my bedroom window because of the freak-crazy winds we are getting, I thought about Robert.  I recently heard this quote from a therapist about relationships, and have been thinking about it ever since: "The relationships we have with our mothers influences all of our subsequent relationships."

I suppose I knew this theory/perspective. But I hadn't applied to to Robert until this morning, when I suddenly remembered a conversation I had with his friend over Christmas break.  She had said that Robert complains quite a bit about living at home and taking care of his mom.  His friend had thought he was taking no responsibility for doing nothing with his life and using his mom as an excuse. Why is he pinning his frustrations on her when he can easily move out and and pursue life at full-force without attributing all this responsibility on her?

Now, I don't know if Robert has told his friends that his mom had been diagnosed with cancer.  He is so secretive that I wouldn't be surprised if he's hidden all of that. But I'd guess that if they knew about the cancer, they'd have some sympathy.  Judging from his friend's annoyance toward him, however, I'd say... they probably don't know.

Nevertheless, I started to think about Robert's relationship with me and whether he felt that same burden and annoyance when it comes to his relationship with his mom.  Was our relationship such a drag for him too? Did he feel like he had to do a lot of care-taking with me?

I love Robert for so many reasons, one of them being his love for his mom.  Leaving me to take care of his mom is actually the best excuse one could ever have, if someone were to dump me for another woman. But for him to gripe about the care-taking makes me wonder who he is, and what I know about him, if anything at all. Who is Robert, anyways? Why does he do what he does? How did/does he see me? And is his perception indicative of reality?

The greatest mystery of my life, sadly, is our break-up.  On my deathbed one day, I will wonder with defeat, "why? what happened?" in the same way I wonder about it today. I've considered Robert's reasons to be the reality, so if Robert says, "because you suck", then that would be the truth.  But what if Robert simply has his own issues and simply hates being responsible and committed to another person, entirely? Then am I to blame for our break-up? Do I still hold myself accountable, as though I could have changed our break-up?

My mind's a-reeling.

Music heals the soul

Last night, I attended that concert solo and had a great time. Unexpectedly. Haha.

I did not think I'd have such a good time by myself.  I thought I would be self-conscious the whole time. I anticipated feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassed to be alone.  But I actually didn't feel any of those things. On a few occasions, when friends texted to ask where I was and who I was hanging out with, I felt a twinge of embarrassment to say: "concert! i'm going solo."Did people need to know that this is my favorite R&B group EVER and that I would go with or without a bunch of people? Did I need to explain that I kinda chose to go alone, and that it's not a reflection of me being loser-y?

I thought about these questions before answering, and each time, I felt stronger and stronger when I decided not to explain myself to anybody.  I'm going to a concert, solo, people. It's not that big of a deal. I'm not going to blow it out of proportion to make it representative of anything else other than me going out for a good time with or without others.

In the end, I had an amazing time.  I had a really great seat, I felt very comfortable singing, watching, crying (to the songs), and dancing to the music. I felt very connected to the power of the music. I knew  all of the lyrics, and as I sang along, I re-played in my head, lots of dreams, hopes, and disappointments about my love life.

Ironically, this band is the one that I have listened to throughout my life. Their music set-the-stage for my expectations about love. Their music validated my pain when people fell out of love with me. Their music captures so much of my childhood, adolescent years, and even now, in my adulthood.

In the midst of the concert, I realized that for my birthday one year, perhaps when I turned, I had asked Robert for one of their CDs. He had haphazardly tossed that CD to me on the night of my birthday, outside of my house, unwrapped and with the "Best Buy" price tag still on it. He refused to come in for birthday cake that night, saying that he had too much homework to do and needed to get home.  It was humiliating, and insulting, and I was so disappointed. My family was waiting for him inside so we could all cut the cake together. He didn't care. He left.

Another time, about 3 years ago, I dated an asshole guy, Frank, who was not only emotionally unstable, but also verbally abusive. It was a terrible relationship, and I always had to drive one hour out of my way to see him. In the end, I broke up with him because I simply could not tolerate him anymore. That didn't make the break up easier, though.  What helped was listening to the music of this boy band and crying-- very hard-- in those 60 minute drives until all the pain, heartache, and anger flowed out of my system.

Music has healed my soul for so long, and I feel that much more empowered from the concert last night. I re-lived memories of previous relationships. I realized how much my expectations have been shaped by musical lyrics, which sometimes can be unrealistic. And I also became aware of how content I am these days, without a romantic partner to rely on, depend on, or impose those lyrics. Being alone in that huuuge auditorium with hundreds of people, made me realize that I am not alone, and that I am more connected to every thing and everyone when I am not in a relationship.  At least for now, this is the best thing I can do for myself, and I want to continue to empower myself, learn more about myself, and get healthier before I jump into anything remotely romantic ever again.

I walked out of the auditorium last night, feeling so proud of myself.  So proud of me.  I did it. I attended a concert alone and I felt great. My friends, who happened to be downtown texted to ask if I wanted to stop by and get a drink with them. That made my night even better, knowing that I can do things alone by myself, and also have great friends who I can hang out with just a few blocks away whenever I want to (literally and figuratively).

These days, I have no regrets, whatsoever.

Not over you

Every time I hear this song, I can't help but sing it out loud and then suddenly feel emotional afterwards. One time, I even waited to get out of the car until the song finished playing on the radio. Yup.

That's how much attention this song gets from me. This song reflects the feelings I've held onto because of Robert. Even after all these years, the lyrics in this song ring continue to ring true for me.



Not Over You (Gavin DeGraw)


Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood and I realize

If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm not over you


...


There's more lyrics to this song, but a lot of it is repeated.  


** I also HAVE to critique this video because watching it actually pissed me off. Why is it that in every shot, the girl is dressed so skimpily and positioned so that she seems like a total sex object? All those poses that she's doing -- how cliche are those?  Meanwhile, he looks like a bum in this video.  


Gotta love mainstream messages about how us ladies are supposed to look for our men, right? Dress sexy, lay around in almost no clothes, and then run after them.  Meanwhile, they get to wear their casual day-to-day clothes, feel comfortable, be themselves, and wait to be chased.  OK, I take back the being chased part. Only the last part is supposed to be a joke. I meant everything else!

Deja Vu

The day after my confrontation with B., I went to school nervously, but was glad not to see him anywhere.

The day following that, I hoped he already left town so I could be at peace again.  How wrong I was.

Because of the anxiety/drain that I felt from his mere presence, I was taking naps all week.  I was trying to avoid reality and to do so by diving into unconsciousness.  When I woke up that afternoon, I got a voicemail from Connie saying she had seen B. and that she had something to show me. In a very short amount of time, I quickly went from groggy to anxiety and fear.  Is he still here? Why is he still here? What is he doing in town now? Hasn't it been 2 days later? Shouldn't he be gone already?

It turns out, Connie had a video to show me.  A video from when she caught B. walking hand-in-hand with a girl just outside our office building that afternoon!  She sent it to me and told me how surprised she was when she walked out the front door and saw him heading down the street (towards her) in broad daylight holding hands with someone else.  Connie had been so surprised she froze and then decided to video record him and this other woman on her phone!  She could not believe the coincidence and she wanted to make sure I know that I had NOTHING to feel guilty for from our last confrontation.  As she talked, she laughed, describing to me the scenario of her video recording him, and him being caught by her and shooting her glaring looks. She's certain that he recognized her.  She quickly sent the video and told me to call her after I watch it.

As I jumped into the car getting ready to buy last-minute groceries, I stopped at a red light and opened-up that video. 

There it was: in broad daylight, B. walking hand-in-hand with a red-headed girl. He's wearing the exact same clothes he had on when I saw him in our last two encounters. He is walking in the same nonchalant way he always walks. And when he sees the video/phone towards him, he glares at the camera person before turning his face down toward the ground.

As I'm watching the beginning of the video, I'm laughing out loud, imagining Connie pulling out her phone in the middle of the day, in the middle of the road, blatantly recording someone walking down the street.  I feel relieved that this video is about another girl rather than of him waiting for me at my office door. I feel liberated that he has moved on and I hope that it means I will finally be left alone by him. I feel such a large burden removed from my shoulder.  I feel like I can breathe again and also not feel guilty for our last conversation. But just as quickly as I laughed and am starting to feel good, I find myself suddenly starting to sob.  No tears come out, but I am heaving heavily and my breath is caught in my throat. My chest hurts, my nose is feeling that soreness before I start to cry, and my eyes are feeling watery and near-explosive. I don't understand what's happening to my body nor do I understand how I am emotionally responding.  Why did I laugh earlier? Why am I about to cry? Why does my heart hurt as though it is breaking again? Why am I so confused, and why don't I understand what is happening within me in this very moment?

I call Connie back and she is feeling celebratory about "catching him" and being able to show me the video. She's so glad to document the scum that he is.  She is shell-shocked about this coincidence and cannot believe he had the audacity to parade a girl around, just 2 days after writing me a note saying he is not dating.  She is certain he is a pathological liar.  And she is completely positive about him being very very mentally sick. She is happy for me and is so happy to share this with me. This should be wonderful evidence for me to feel better. Now I don't have to feel bad about our last conversation.  And now, I should be even more convinced that leaving him was the best thing I did. I agree with her--rationally.  Emotionally, however, I want to join her enthusiasm but I can't. I can't catch up to that enthusiasm and I need time to understand how I'm feeling first. I tell her I'll call her back and then I start driving.  And shopping. I wander the aisles in the grocery store and grab what I need. When I realize it's 9pm and I'm incredibly hungry, I stop by at a very new and already-famous burger joint.  It's already closing-time so I am the last customer waiting in line.  I order a burger and sit alone trying to eat console my body. Even after eating the entire thing, I'm still not ready to go home, so I go to another grocery store.  I head to a 24-hour grocery store this time and wander down every single aisle.  I call Penny. I call my mom. I tell them about the video and then I begin to openly cry.

In my car is where I cry.  But also in the store.  I tell them how mixed I feel and how confused I am. Although I am relieved on the one hand, I feel so betrayed on the other. I am experiencing deja vu, and it's like a sick sick game being replayed over for me.  2 years ago, I had gotten a similar message right after I caught him cheating with someone else.  It had been a Wednesday when I first caught him cheating.  And it was on that Friday that we went to couples counseling.  On Saturday afternoon, he called to say he was going to walk to the coffee shop for some coffee, and a few hours later, Penny called and apologetically gave me the devastating news.  Penny said sorry a few times and then said that she was at the park with her family.  She said she thought she saw me and B. together and had run up to say hi to us.  Before reaching "us", she realized that it was B. with another girl.  She saw him hold hands with this girl and before he looked up to see her.  When B. saw Penny, he quickly shoved that girl away, but she ran back to him to hold his hands. In the same way that B. had looked downward at the groun,d he did the same when walking past Penny. He avoided eye contact altogether and walked away as briskly as possible. I remember that when Penny told me this over the phone, her voice began to crack and she began to cry. She told me not to forgive him, not to listen to his sorry excuses, and not to let him into my life again.  This infidelity was not the same as Wednesday's discovery.  This girl he's cheating with was not the same girl I caught just 2 days ago.  This was someone completely different and it was within a span of 2 days that he was doing it. We had just gone to couples counseling the day before, and already, I was being lied to, again.  Once, twice, three times, who knows how many more lies there are?!

So.... that is my deja vu when I see this video.  Penny hadn't taken a video last time, but her words were just as good as my eyes. Within seconds of her call, B. had called and I had ignored about 10 of his calls before I finally picked up. He apologized first and then lied some more. He insisted that the girl was a friend and that Penny saw wrong. He concocted story after story after story. I won't delve into the details of that story in this post. That is a long long story for a different day. For now, it just triggered everything, in the same way an avalanche crashes and drowns you.

This video triggered me and continues to trigger my memories and my emotions.  What the hell, man. I thought I was broken before and that I was starting to heal now.  I thought I had hit rock bottom and that I was trying to climb back up.  I thought I was making good progress and starting to forget about this person and the pain he inflicted on me.  HECK, I thought this person would no longer be in my life and much more, I thought he could no longer ever ever hurt me. 

Boy, I was so wrong.  Boy was I ever so wrong... in every one of these questions, I was dead wrong.

Pre-Confrontation

Before running into B. in the parking lot, I had discovered a note jammed in the door of my car.

It was a note from B., from the day before.  In it, he wrote HI!!! He wrote that he was so happy to see me even if it was just for a few seconds before I went into a meeting with my advisor. He said he went to my office 1 hour ago but was not able to find me. He said he was in town for the next 2 days because he is working on a project with his former advisor. He said he wishes me well and he used terms of affection to refer to me. He emphasized wanting to thank me twice. He said that he no longer smokes. He no longer drinks. He's working on publishing his 3rd book. And last but not least, he is single and has not dating a prospective partner for marriage. Oh, and good luck at my meetings!

My reactions:
1. WTF, are you crazy? What world are you living in that you think our "seeing" each other was a good thing? I was so busy running away from you, why would you think it was a purposeful meeting instead of me avoiding you altogether?

2. How dare you use terms of affection to refer to me.  We broke up almost 9 months ago and it was not on good terms.  I said don't show up to my office, don't call me, don't email me, don't contact me in any way.  Why would you think we are even the slightest bit friendly with each other?

3. Good for you that you no longer smoke, drink, and womanize.  On the one hand, I am happy for you.  I hope you are living a healthier life.  On the other hand, I feel like his health has been exchanged for mine.  I lost so much at the expense of this change.  I've been dragged through so much pain for the good he feels now.  Ironic that he never thought drinking/smoking/womanizing was a problem.  Now you thank me for getting you out of all those nasty habits?

4. How does he know that I'm going to meeting after meeting after meeting?


Following our confrontation, I felt quite a lot of guilt.  I thought of his note and wondered about his efforts to change and be healthy.  In no way do I EVER want to be back with him.  Never ever ever ever ever.  I'd sooner jump off a high-riser than let him touch even one single hair on me.

But still, if someone is attempting to change for the better, shouldn't they get some bit of encouragement? Shouldn't there be some recognition of strivings for growth (even if their growth was at the expense of your health)?

So, that was my guilt.  And I did feel guilty for being so cruel, so mean, and so cold to him.  Therein lies that cycle where he makes me feel like I'm crazy, I'm mean, I'm the perpetrator and he's the victim.  So many friends have had to remind me that our dynamic is part of a bigger process, and not an isolated event.  I am not mean to him on this one occasion. It is the ONLY way to deal with him and to give him the consistent message that I do NOT want him near me.  It is also the ONLY way to respond to him, because any sign of softness will be interpreted as weakness and he will prey on me... again.  Still, I felt guilty and spent an afternoon hiding in my covers feeling very very bad.

Guilt

Guilt.  That dirty little thing.  It's almost as bad as shame, but it's actually very different.  It's about what you DID as opposed to who you ARE.  It's less of an identity-problem than shame, but it's worse in some ways because you can actually change it.  You can believe that if you did something different, you would feel less guilty. Whereas, with shame, there's nothing you can do to change feeling shameful... other than change who you are altogether, I suppose.

I had so much guilt after my encounter with B.  I felt so mean, cruel, so cold, and simultaneously, I felt disgusted with these feelings at the same time.  My run-in with him is identical to other encounters we have had.  Time and time again, when he has broken my heart, devastated me, and dragged my morale through glass shards, he will re-appear before me with a big smile and a big hug, asking me, "what's wrong?"  That is B.'s signature move and it killed me-- the most slow and gruesome pain I could have ever experienced. He did it to me over and over until I lost every shred of my identity and confidence in myself. I doubted every aspect of who I was, from my self-worth down to how I was feeling in-the-moment.  It was B.'s world, not mine.

What usually happens is something devastating in our relationship.  I just caught him cheating. We just had a huge blow-out fight. He just told me he has no intentions of pursuing long-distance dating and is just playing around until something better comes around. There will be tears, there will be pain, there will be heartache.  But a few minutes later, or even a few hours later, he will re-emerge completely differently. He will have a smile on him when I see him again. He will show up looking absolutely happy and acting like we have not seen each other in ages. As I stand there feeling like my heart is figuratively dripping with blood, he will run towards me with open arms and ask me what's wrong. He will put on a sad puppy dog face and tell me he loves me.  He will ask me if everything's OK, and he will play dumb and act genuinely concerned.  He will appear concerned to see that I'm crying-- as though he is shocked that I am crying. He will make me feel like I'm certifiably crazy because of how starkly different our reactions are.  And in time, I will wonder if I'm crazy.  I will wonder why he is responding like nothing has happened when he just got caught cheating. I will wonder how he suddenly became a different person from 2 minutes/hours or even 1 day ago.  As he embraces me, I will feel complete and utter confusion and I will wonder if I'm making it a bigger deal that it is.  I will wonder if I'm too petty, and if my reaction is too dramatic.  I will question why if I should even be angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, and confused.  I will re-consider if my reaction is actually legitimate, or if I am the strange one, and I should act so care-free, like him.

B. has done that to me a countless number of times.  Countless.  I am not exaggerating.  This happened so so so so much. That is why I fear him coming near me.  That is why when he smiles at me, asks me what's wrong, ask me how it's going, I freak the fuck out.  I seriously freak the fuck out in my head because it's happening again. He is manipulating with my identity, my feelings, my instincts, all over again. He is pulling me into his fantasy world and it is only a matter of minutes before I question everything I know.

In the 1-2 times that I've followed-through with my feelings, I will feel guilty afterwards. I will feel guilty for being in the same hurt/angry mode while he has already quickly switched into a lovey dovey/oblivious mode.  He will put on the most genuine look of confusion, although I have sometimes seen a shadow of reality sink in. From the outside looking-in, an observer would feel sad for him, that a woman is yelling, screaming, crying, and pushing him away while he looks concerned, loving, caring, and confused.  The scenario would look like a crazy girlfriend going ballistic while a patient, logical boyfriend is trying to understand and console her.

I remember when we went to 1 couples counseling session after I caught him cheating the 1st time.  Throughout the entire session, he repeated one phrase and did not say anything other than that.  His reaction to everything was: "... but i love her." He blocked out the reality of my pain and wanted to use that statement to make me forget all the pain and agony that I felt.

Me: Why would you do this?
Him: I love you.
Me: I don't understand! How could you? Why lie to me?
Him: But I love you.
Me: How can I trust you again?
Him: You have to. You just have to. I'm sorry. I love you.
Me: Just tell me what happened.
Him: I love you. I love you. I love just you.


In his world of inflicting pain (and having no consequences), I end up feeling crazy and mean and spiteful.  I end up feeling like I am crazy and he is normal.  I end up feeling like I am the problem, not him. And I end up feeling like I am the one hurting him, not the other way around.

That is the sick guilt that I felt from our relationship. Because he ran into fantasy world, I would feel guilty for being in reality.  I would feel guilty that I was so hurt and wanted answers. I felt guilty for thinking I hurt him, for thinking I confused him, for thinking I deserved an explanation. Both he and I gave myself this guilt.  And I am just as responsible for taking it on, and for letting him get away while I drowned myself in the pain AND the self-imposed guilt.

An ode to Mr. Z

I am grateful to Mr. Z for so many reasons. A few months ago, my friend Penny remarked that Mr. Z was the only one that actually saved me from my relationship with B.  No amount of help/advice from friends was enough to give me the final push to end it all.  Ultimately, it was Mr. Z that helped me get out of what was killing my soul, and making me feel like I had no will to move forward.  Mr. Z was the final reason that helped me to have the courage to finally break up.

What Penny may not know, however, is that ever since the breakup, Mr. Z continues to do so much for me. To begin, I've realized that I'm healthier because of him.  Emotionally, spiritually, physically... I'm healthier thanks to Mr. Z.

At the emotional level, I feel such unconditional love, loyalty, and support from him. He is so excited to see me all the time, and his kisses are so true, so authentic, and so in-the-moment. Mr. Z wants nothing more from me than just me.  He has no expectations for me, no judgment toward me, and no conditions linked to my self-worth.  He likes me for me.  More importantly, it's my energy he wants, and my smell that he wants, and all the things that I can't change and adapt. Mr. Z doesn't care if I gain weight, if I'm dressed like a bum, or if I'm in a foul mood. He likes me for who I am: just my being.

At the spiritual level, I find myself living life in a more grounded and present way. When we take walks, I am seriously detached from work and stress and focused on our walk. I actually breathe in the fresh air and smell the roses. I slow down immensely to enjoy what is happening all around me.  I hear the wind blowing, I feel the movement of the grass, I hear the birds chirping, and I revel in being part of nature. More than anything, I enjoy watching him zig zag around smelling all the things that our human noses can't detect. I wonder what he smells and what he's dragging me towards. I love imagining what he's thinking, what he's dreaming, and what he loves, and what motivates him. When I am spending quality time with him, I'm completely removed from technology. I don't walk with my cell phone, I don't watch TV when playing with him, I don't work on the computer when brushing his hair.  It's just us and our energies together!

Last but not least, is the physical health that he brings me. The most tangible evidence is that I walk 100X more than I did before.  Each day, we take walks outside: in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bedtime.  No matter how cold or hot it is, we walk, whether it is for 15 minutes or sometimes up to 2 hours! The point is, Mr. Z makes me move my body in ways other than being hunched over my computer!  Diet-wise, I've also changed significantly because of Mr. Z.  My journey to Paleo is partly inspired by Mr. Z.  Even before adopting him, I did a lot of research on dog foods and what's best for him. I learned that the fewer the by-products, the better the quality.  I learned that processed foods is also bad for dogs, and that products like soy and corn are terrible for their health. On a weekly basis, I spend a lot of money on Mr. Z's foods.  I choose the best because I select items with the least amount of ingredients.  One of my favorite snacks for him is a duck and sweet potato cookie.  It is part of the "Limited ingredient" items and contains exactly what it should: duck and sweet potato!  When I began to re-evaluate my food options while working out, I've also realized that I should be a little more picky with my diet, like eliminate soy and corn!  And funnily enough, that's exactly what Paleo emphasizes!  Eat whole, unprocessed foods!  Eat organic foods! Eat simple foods! Eat like how I feed my dog?

Now why didn't I think to treat myself in the same way that I treat Mr. Z?

Hence... my quick switch to Paleo these days, and my motivation to eat simple, unprocessed, and organic.  I treat my dog so well and want him to be so healthy!  Why don't I do the same for me?  Also, when the weather gets really bad here, I also put him on the treadmill for 15 minutes a day.  Seeing how I value his daily exercise, I've also wondered why I don't prioritize my health and fitness!  Hence, the extra motivation these days for me to sign up for fitness classes and to schedule routine work-outs at the gym.

If I compared my lifestyle now to my lifestyle last year (pre, during, and after my breakup with B), the change would be substantial. Dramatic. Life-changing.  Last year this time, I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life.  I was heartbroken, anxious, scared, and completely and utterly alone in my shame and my unhealthy relationship.  I couldn't let go, I didn't know how to let go, and he wouldn't let me go. I detached myself from friends, I did no exercise whatsoever, and I ate very poorly.  My diet was so sad, pathetic, and painful for me.  I didn't eat what I want.  I didn't cook what I wanted. I had to cook for him, for us, and I had to make all these decisions based on what he preferred. I couldn't even have my own personal space to sit, reflect, or think-- because he would never leave me alone. His fears of being alone suffocated me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Yes, suffocating is the best word to describe the feelings he gave me.  In contrast to where I am today, where I am growing, thriving, and feeling myself recovering, I was in the complete opposite place just months ago: drowning, suffocating, and losing the will to even flail as I disappeared into the quicksand.

Thinking about all this brings back some pain, some heartache, and a lot of sadness.  I'm sorry I went through that. And I'm sorry I couldn't be where I am now.  But I'm also uber grateful for now, and uber grateful for the changes I've since made in my life. These days, my day-to-day life consists of joy, liberation, inspiration, and healthiness that Mr. Z gives to me. 

Thanks, Mr. Z.  This is my ode to you!

Week 1 Reflections

Yesterday morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream having to do with my first love, Robert.

I dreamt that my dad needed to go to a city near where I live, so we packed up the car and drove a very far distance to get to where he needs to be.  We stopped to have lunch at this restaurant-- and in that restaurant, I saw Robert, serving the meals there because he worked as a waiter.  We made eye contact but we both acted like we didn't know each other.  At one point, I asked if he could bring us some napkins, but we didn't really look at each other during that encounter. Afterwards, when we finished eating, we left and came back home.  In my dream, my grandma was upset that we didn't take her, so we decided to make the trip again.  We drove to the same city (which is actually 15,000 miles away-- oh dreams!) and we stopped at that same restaurant--this time for dinner instead of lunch.  Again, I see Robert there and I now feel self-conscious about being there. I'm nervous about about him seeing me again and thinking that I have returned just to see him. I avoid eye contact as much as I can but every so often, I sneak glances at him.  The restaurant is some sort of Asian restaurant, serving Vietnamese food but having Thai designs throughout.  There is Indian music blaring and people are dancing in their saris.  The activity makes it easier to sneak peeks at Robert without being too obvious.  When dinner is over, mom, grandma and I get ready to leave.  The thought of Robert thinking I'm a stalker is too much to bear, so I march over to him and set him straight.  I say to him, "Look, I'm only here again because my grandma really wanted to come here to eat.  I want you to know that I didn't come back here for you.  I only came for the food and it just so happens that you're here too."  In my dream, Robert doesn't say anything and I decide to conclude our conversation with a final goodbye.  I tell him that it's unfortunate that things are the way they are now.  "We could have been friends, Robert. It  didn't have to be so dramatic so that it's now weird and awkward and uncomfortable to see each other. I don't understand why it had to be this way. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I just think it sucks that we can't even be friends, we can't even be amiable. But it is what it is and I can finally accept it now. I finally get it and I'm fine. So, goodbye."  And I turn and walk away.  I don't wait for him to respond.  I don't hope for some kind of reconciliation or even closure.  I walk away and I do not look back. I do not look back.

Then I woke up.

This dream is so meaningful to me because it signifies closure... I think.  In all the years that we've been apart, I've dreamt about him and fantasized about him, and all of my imaginings entail reconciliation.  No matter how I've tried to explain it to myself, I've always ended up envisioning us together.  Not once have I ever ever ever ever ever thought to myself: "this is it."  But over the past few weeks, because I've really been thinking so much about him, I am gradually accepting that this could be/is the final outcome for him and me.

I am starting to accept that there is no happy ending for us, that there will never be a closure for us, and that he will never return to give me the explanation I've been waiting for all these years.  Acknowledging this scenario has set me free in many ways.  To begin, I'm not miserable everyday because I'm thinking/wondering/missing him whenever I'm in my hometown.  Thus far, being at home has been good and I've been living in the present.  I haven't had thoughts that start with: "if Robert and I were together, then we would be doing _____." I have also made the conscious effort to make plans only with the people that I consider to be my friends.  I am determined to only go out for fun and not for information-digging about Robert.  I want to go out with people who help me re-charge and who help me feel invigorated about life.  I do not want to go out only to feel drained and disappointed because I am with them purely to gain more information about Robert.  Still, Robert's friends already heard that I am back in town and have tried to set up get-togethers last week.  I politely declined their offers and postponed them because I wasn't/am not ready.  I only want to go out with them when I can enjoy spending time with them without thinking about their connection with Robert. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me.  When I can see them as my friends (rather than his friends), then I'll go out with them.  When I can maintain inner peace without relying on them to fulfill a hole inside me, then I'll allow myself to be with them.

All of these are pro-active steps that I am taking to move-on from the first love of my life.  My dream has further confirmed that I am on the right track and furthermore, that I am making progress.  For the first time ever, my subconscious is letting him go and accepting that there is nothing between us anymore.  In my dream, there are no tears, no dramatics, no demand for explanation, no apology, no reunion.  There is only awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a reclaiming of my dignity and a chance to say bye.  Wow, I can't believe that I'm even writing that: "a chance to say bye."  Never in a million years did I think I'd ever have to say "bye" to Robert because I thought he'd always be in my life.  The truth, however, is that he isn't in my life, hasn't been in my life, and will probably never be in my life ever again.  That's still too hard to accept at this time, so I'll take what I have so far and be proud of my current progress.

Falling out of love

My closest friend in the world, Ana, called me today for our regular chat/update.  She told me about her co-worker being dumped by her boyfriend of 5 years.  The boyfriend had told her that he had fell-out-of-love with her and that he wanted to end the relationship. The breakup happened over the weekend on Saturday, and even though it is now Tuesday, her co-worker continues to be in disbelief and will call him to say, "Honey, when are we going to pick out the Christmas tree together?"  What's worse is that it is the holiday season and they are supposed to spend Christmas together with her family. During the break-up, she had asked him how recent his feelings had changed, and he said that he knew it was over before Thanksgiving!  She was in disbelief because they had gone to visit his family over Turkey day and he had acted like nothing was wrong. Things were like they had always been.

Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city.  After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week.  He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him.  He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.

Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it.  Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me.  I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again.  It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.

Did Robert do that to me?  And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?

While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart.  Such good advice right?  It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.

As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:

Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead.  He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.

Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back.  Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone.  He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me.  It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile.  But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future.  He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt.  But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.

I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.

It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.

I've been in denial for 7 years!

Dumper Responsibilities

What are the responsibilities of the "dumper" who breaks up with the "dumped/dumpee"?

A girlfriend of mine, Connie, has been thinking about breaking up with her long-distance boyfriend of about 1.5 years.  They met before she came to school this year and they've been living apart for the past year. They try to see each other 1-2 times a month, driving the 3 hour distance to visit each other on weekends and long vacations.  Her boyfriend is a nice guy.  But he's emotionally unavailable and calls her back whenever it is convenient for him.  Sometimes, she goes for days and even weekends without talking to him because he's lost track of the time or placed the phone in another other room and therefore doesn't call her back.  When he does call her back, it's usually a quick, 2-minute conversation that goes like: "OK I'm going to bed. G'night."

Still. He's not a bad guy which is why it's been so difficult for Connie to break-up with him. He didn't do anything bad or explicitly hurtful to her, so she feels guilty about breaking up with him. She surmises that he won't understand their breakup, and that he will tell her (again) that he doesn't know what she wants from him. In the past year, I've heard her talk numerous times about having confrontations with him to tell him she needs more.  She needs intimacy, affection, attention, and feeling like she is important in his life.  Each time they have these discussions, he tells her doesn't know what to do and he accuses her of labeling him as a bad boyfriend. The fights are always the same.

As Connie talked, I couldn't help but think about B. and our relationship. Ah, even in such a case of explicit hurt and damage, I also had difficulty breaking up with him. I was in her boat for a long time too.  One of the reasons it took such a long time to break-up with him (and so many times to break up with him) was because he didn't "understand" why I was ending things.  For B., cheating was not considered cheating because his excuse was that it was acceptable in his culture.  His other excuse was that he loved me.  Whenever we started fighting, or whenever things started getting bad, he would simply say, over and over again, "But I love you. But I love you. But I love you."

As the dumper, I felt very responsible for him to understand why we broke up.  I wanted, nono, I needed him to understand why it was over.  I needed him to agree with me logically and rationally and to be OK with my decision. I wanted it to be our decision and I wanted him to not be hurt my the break-up. I was in that mental frame of mind for a long long time.  Half a year, at least. So I suffered in silence because I hoped that he would see how tortured I was. But he could never understood why things were bad for me, why I felt like he had wronged me, or that he was wrong to begin with.  B. didn't have a concept or understanding of morality.  As such, each break-up to him felt ridiculous and unnecessary.  And because he didn't understand it, I felt obligated to get back together. It didn't feel fair to me that he didn't understand our break-up. I thought to myself: as soon as he can understand and empathize with my experience, then we can amicably and mutually agree to a break-up.

Oh, silly me.  That never happened, and I know now that it will never happen.

To this day, B. still does not understand our break-up, and he still feels like he is a much-improved man for not having sex with every woman walking down the street. He feels like he changed so much for me.  He "credits" me for his moral behaviors.  Whereas before, sexual affairs were the norm for him, he has now "learned" that it is hurtful.  And so, he does not have sex with them. He "only" flirts with them, seduces them, leads them on, and does everything else but have intercourse with them.  Oh, an improved man he is.  Which is why he can't understand why I'm upset because, well, he loves me, and isn't that enough?

Which leads me to my initial question: What is the responsibility of the dumper when breaking up with the dumped/dumpee?  Is the dumper wholly responsible for the dumpee's understanding of the break-up?  To what extent can you expect or hope that they will have the same perspective and let you go freely and amicably?  Can you even hope or expect for a friendly or non-hurtful breakup? Breaking up has always been so difficult for me because I was dumped by my first-love in one of the most hurtful ways ever.  He simply stopped calling me and disappeared off the face of the earth.  Yes, he simply cut of all contact and asked all of his friends to say nothing about him so that I would know nothing about him.  We were high school sweethearts and after 2 years of long-distance in college, he became emotionally distant and then just disappeared.  I was so heartbroken I left the country and decided to study-abroad and be far away.  The breakup felt so out-of-the-blue to me and I couldn't understand it.  Why? What did I do wrong? What can I do to rectify the situation? Why are you leaving me?  To this day, I still don't know the answer. We had no discussion, no explanation, no closure.  Since then, I vowed that I would never break up with anybody and I really tried not to. I really didn't want to, but I ended up being in relationships that are so abusive and hurtful that I HAD TO LEARN how to break up with people.

Still, I struggle with the responsibility of the dumper and the dumpee.  Who is responsible for making sure that the dumpee understands the break-up?  How much are you responsible for?  And at what point do you just give up on explaining and just walk away? How do you define closure? Do all dumpees deserve closure?  As a dumpee, I need an explanation and I need the finality of saying goodbye.  As a dumper, I feel I am responsible for providing the explanation and offering a chance for redemption before saying goodbye.  And saying goodbye is important for me, so I want to offer that as well. Beyond that, I think that's all I can do.  If you can't understand this break-up even after I've explained it 100 times, then you simply can't understand.  And if, after 100 explanations, nothing has changed, then I have to stop offering more chances for you to make things different. At some point, I have to give-up on helping you see my point and just walk away.

I just have to walk away.