Stability. I've always lived without it. I always thought that when I meet the love of my life, then I'll have it. I imagined that once I'm in a relationship, he (whoever he is) will give me that much-needed stability I've been craving in my life.
They say dogs need rules, boundaries, and limitations. When pet-owners are inconsistent in their disciplining or in their training or even in their energies, dogs can sense the instability, and they will act-out. I've actually heard that humans are the only species that follow unstable pack leaders. Unlike us, animals can sense strength (or lackthereof) in one another; and they will choose to follow only that one who provides stability and security.
In my family-of-origin life, I have never had stability. In fact, I just had a very intimate talk with my mom about relationships, love, sex, and womanhood (another entry will definitely need to be written about that), and it turns out that she's never experienced stability either. If I can trace my insecurities and fears to the original point, I know that my fears come from my mom leaving me. I lived in fear mostly my whole life-- terrified that my mom would leave me and I would be stuck with my dad. My relationship with my dad has improved significantly over the past few years. On the surface, we are a happy, close-knit family, and in many ways, we are now. Kind of. But my childhood years were more overtly unhappy, and consistently unpredictable and fear-provoking. I have attributed that mostly to my mom's constant threats of divorce and taking my brother with her. I lived in perpetual fear that she would have abandoned me and left me with my dad.
In my talk with my mom tonight, she talked about her experience as a victim rather than the person who was always with the power of leaving. She talked about her experience of being a woman in an emotionally-unfulfilling marriage. She talked about losing her sense of self in her marriage and the sacrifices she has made since the beginning. She sacrificed herself in a marriage that even at the beginning, she knew wouldn't be good. But she believed that she loved him "more", so she decided to suffer and to go through with it.
Suffer. What a stupid, stupid word. Why did we ever decide to glorify that word as though it were badge of honor? In some cultures, and I'll talk specifically about the culture of traditional women as well as some East Asian cultures and some religious cultures, suffering is considered to be a virtue, and one that will give you extra credit in your next life. The mentality is that suffering will lead to better outcomes later, either for yourself or for someone else important to you.
The more I learn about suffering, the more I see its deleterious effects. My mom married someone that was incompatible with her. She felt suffocated from the irreconciliable differences but decided to "suffer"-- all the while vowing to divorce my dad one day so that she could leave one day and live her life her way. And while she thinks she's done something noble -- whether it's for my brother and I, or for the sanctity of marriage-- her suffering has made her a victim. And by default, it has affected the whole family too. I am completely messed up because of our family dynamic, and my brother surely is affected too.
Because of this suffering, because of this marriage, I have always felt stuck in the middle between everyone, always mediating everyone's fights, always trying to keep things as calm as possible in the fear that this family will be broken apart. I lived in fear my entire life, scared that my mom would leave, and that my family will be ripped to pieces. I felt even more scared for me, thinking my mom would leave me with my dad, and that I would never see her or my brother again. I lived in fear of my dad for so many reasons. The most basic ones because that he is just so different from all of us: his beliefs, his way of doing things, his values, etc. etc.
As I have grown older, I continue to be in relationships that are unstable and unpredictable. I stay with men who don't love me (but I can't let go of because they're like my dad and I feel guilty wanting to leave him too). In those same romantic relationships, I fear that I will be left because I have grown up being so scared about being abandoned by the one adult who was nurtured me. I felt she was my life raft in a deadly waterfall and I gripped onto her for dear life. It's different now that I'm an adult. As a parentified child who mediates my parents' fights (as well as their triangle disputes with my brother), I grow more and more protective of each of them. I am now concerned for them, and it's not just based on me losing my family. I feel like I need to take care of them, watch out for them, and be there for them. I fear for my dad that my mom will leave him one day. I fear for my mom what she would do if she were to ever leave. She does not have her own career or her income. She also has lost her identity in her marriage and in our family. As I talked with my mom tonight, she told me about the emotional emptiness she's experienced even when she got married. She talked about putting all her love, energy, attention, focus on the family. She talked about how she put every bit of herself into me and my brother and that we are her everything. Should my parents ever separate someday, even in their older age, what would that mean for my brother and me? How do we juggle taking care of both parents when they have done everything for us but are not able to co-exist together? How do you repay someone who dedicated her life entirely to you because she was so devoid of what she needed in her marriage?
My parents currently live apart right now for business reasons. My dad is abroad because his work requires him to be. When he retires one day, my mom and dad will likely reunite and live together again. What will that be like, we all wonder? My mom dreads the day that happens which I hadn't known. Apparently she doesn't want to even think of that day, and she does not know what the future holds for her and my dad. What does that mean, I asked? To which my mom responded with an answer I subconsciously knew. It all depends on the kids-- meaning me and my brother. Because my mom gave everything to this family, she will depend entirely on us. My mom's identity is rooted in us. Her livelihood rests in us. Her future depends on us. I already knew that before she even said it. I know that if she ever chooses to leave one day, she will rely on us 110% to give her a sense of stability, identity, and belongingness.
You see, when we were in high school, my brother and I would take-turns going out and staying home. We lived with just my mom and it felt selfish to leave her home alone when she would never do that to us. As an adult, because I have moved far away now, I don't actually have to face this all the time, but my brother does. I know he feels guilty when he goes out. For someone in his mid 20s, going out feels wrong because I'm sure he doesn't want to abandon my mom to leave her alone at home. My brother and I both have a strong sense of responsibility for my mom. We both know what it's like to feel unstable, and we both fear that she will feel unstable if we weren't home. And because I'm a little closer to my dad, I worry for my dad too. I wonder if he feels alone and what would happen should my mom ever leave him. What will become of him and his identity? He works so hard for us, for the family. What would losing her do to him?
As for my own issues in relationships I am slowly recognizing that my break-ups hit me hard because they always signify the end of my hope for stability. My original family doesn't have much stability, so I anticipated my future family to give me that. I projected all of my hopes and expectations onto my partner. I lost my identity in each relationship so that I could just blend in, adapt, and be accepted into whatever life my partner has. No wonder my relationships implode. If I were already married, I expect my life would be like my mom's. I would have no identity. I would be emotionally lonely and alone. I would have to invest myself in something else to compensate for the absence of emotional connection, the lack of stability once again.
I firmly believe now and today that suffering is unnecessary, and even worse, detrimental to yourself and your future generations. Is it my fault that I've tried so hard to keep my parents together over the years? Do I contribute to the dysfunction that affects my family collectively but also individually? Throughout my life, there has been nothing more scary than the thought of my family breaking up. As I reflect on this idea more rationally and in a less-detached manner, however, I can't help but wonder... what if they had divorced one another and gone on to find better partners for themselves? What if a divorce meant they would be happier? More fulfilled with their lives? What if separating meant that my mom would live a more meaningful life and she would have a stronger identity outside of her family? My mom invested everything in us because she was so disappointed in her marriage and in her connection with my dad. What if she had found someone who she could connect with emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Would she be healthier now? Happier? And in turn, would my brother and I have flourished because we were free to leave the house? To explore? If we hadn't felt obligated to babysit or care-take my mom, would we be able to find stronger senses of identities for ourselves?
I suppose this is all speculation. I'm just wondering now about all the things I've been scared to think about before. I leave a quote for myself in this entry: "What we do not know always seems to be terrifying. But what we know isn't necessarily better." I know my parents are together today. I know my mom is unfulfilled, lost, and passively waiting for the next step of her life. I know that my dad does not know how unhappy she is. I know that my brother has not found his identity yet. I know that I keep looking for relationships to give me stability and that I live in constant fear of abandonment and loss. Given all that I know at this point, I am beginning to wonder if what I don't know isn't so terrifying anymore.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Showing posts with label responsibilities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label responsibilities. Show all posts
Monday, January 2, 2012
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Dumper Responsibilities
What are the responsibilities of the "dumper" who breaks up with the "dumped/dumpee"?
A girlfriend of mine, Connie, has been thinking about breaking up with her long-distance boyfriend of about 1.5 years. They met before she came to school this year and they've been living apart for the past year. They try to see each other 1-2 times a month, driving the 3 hour distance to visit each other on weekends and long vacations. Her boyfriend is a nice guy. But he's emotionally unavailable and calls her back whenever it is convenient for him. Sometimes, she goes for days and even weekends without talking to him because he's lost track of the time or placed the phone in another other room and therefore doesn't call her back. When he does call her back, it's usually a quick, 2-minute conversation that goes like: "OK I'm going to bed. G'night."
Still. He's not a bad guy which is why it's been so difficult for Connie to break-up with him. He didn't do anything bad or explicitly hurtful to her, so she feels guilty about breaking up with him. She surmises that he won't understand their breakup, and that he will tell her (again) that he doesn't know what she wants from him. In the past year, I've heard her talk numerous times about having confrontations with him to tell him she needs more. She needs intimacy, affection, attention, and feeling like she is important in his life. Each time they have these discussions, he tells her doesn't know what to do and he accuses her of labeling him as a bad boyfriend. The fights are always the same.
As Connie talked, I couldn't help but think about B. and our relationship. Ah, even in such a case of explicit hurt and damage, I also had difficulty breaking up with him. I was in her boat for a long time too. One of the reasons it took such a long time to break-up with him (and so many times to break up with him) was because he didn't "understand" why I was ending things. For B., cheating was not considered cheating because his excuse was that it was acceptable in his culture. His other excuse was that he loved me. Whenever we started fighting, or whenever things started getting bad, he would simply say, over and over again, "But I love you. But I love you. But I love you."
As the dumper, I felt very responsible for him to understand why we broke up. I wanted, nono, I needed him to understand why it was over. I needed him to agree with me logically and rationally and to be OK with my decision. I wanted it to be our decision and I wanted him to not be hurt my the break-up. I was in that mental frame of mind for a long long time. Half a year, at least. So I suffered in silence because I hoped that he would see how tortured I was. But he could never understood why things were bad for me, why I felt like he had wronged me, or that he was wrong to begin with. B. didn't have a concept or understanding of morality. As such, each break-up to him felt ridiculous and unnecessary. And because he didn't understand it, I felt obligated to get back together. It didn't feel fair to me that he didn't understand our break-up. I thought to myself: as soon as he can understand and empathize with my experience, then we can amicably and mutually agree to a break-up.
Oh, silly me. That never happened, and I know now that it will never happen.
To this day, B. still does not understand our break-up, and he still feels like he is a much-improved man for not having sex with every woman walking down the street. He feels like he changed so much for me. He "credits" me for his moral behaviors. Whereas before, sexual affairs were the norm for him, he has now "learned" that it is hurtful. And so, he does not have sex with them. He "only" flirts with them, seduces them, leads them on, and does everything else but have intercourse with them. Oh, an improved man he is. Which is why he can't understand why I'm upset because, well, he loves me, and isn't that enough?
Which leads me to my initial question: What is the responsibility of the dumper when breaking up with the dumped/dumpee? Is the dumper wholly responsible for the dumpee's understanding of the break-up? To what extent can you expect or hope that they will have the same perspective and let you go freely and amicably? Can you even hope or expect for a friendly or non-hurtful breakup? Breaking up has always been so difficult for me because I was dumped by my first-love in one of the most hurtful ways ever. He simply stopped calling me and disappeared off the face of the earth. Yes, he simply cut of all contact and asked all of his friends to say nothing about him so that I would know nothing about him. We were high school sweethearts and after 2 years of long-distance in college, he became emotionally distant and then just disappeared. I was so heartbroken I left the country and decided to study-abroad and be far away. The breakup felt so out-of-the-blue to me and I couldn't understand it. Why? What did I do wrong? What can I do to rectify the situation? Why are you leaving me? To this day, I still don't know the answer. We had no discussion, no explanation, no closure. Since then, I vowed that I would never break up with anybody and I really tried not to. I really didn't want to, but I ended up being in relationships that are so abusive and hurtful that I HAD TO LEARN how to break up with people.
Still, I struggle with the responsibility of the dumper and the dumpee. Who is responsible for making sure that the dumpee understands the break-up? How much are you responsible for? And at what point do you just give up on explaining and just walk away? How do you define closure? Do all dumpees deserve closure? As a dumpee, I need an explanation and I need the finality of saying goodbye. As a dumper, I feel I am responsible for providing the explanation and offering a chance for redemption before saying goodbye. And saying goodbye is important for me, so I want to offer that as well. Beyond that, I think that's all I can do. If you can't understand this break-up even after I've explained it 100 times, then you simply can't understand. And if, after 100 explanations, nothing has changed, then I have to stop offering more chances for you to make things different. At some point, I have to give-up on helping you see my point and just walk away.
I just have to walk away.
A girlfriend of mine, Connie, has been thinking about breaking up with her long-distance boyfriend of about 1.5 years. They met before she came to school this year and they've been living apart for the past year. They try to see each other 1-2 times a month, driving the 3 hour distance to visit each other on weekends and long vacations. Her boyfriend is a nice guy. But he's emotionally unavailable and calls her back whenever it is convenient for him. Sometimes, she goes for days and even weekends without talking to him because he's lost track of the time or placed the phone in another other room and therefore doesn't call her back. When he does call her back, it's usually a quick, 2-minute conversation that goes like: "OK I'm going to bed. G'night."
Still. He's not a bad guy which is why it's been so difficult for Connie to break-up with him. He didn't do anything bad or explicitly hurtful to her, so she feels guilty about breaking up with him. She surmises that he won't understand their breakup, and that he will tell her (again) that he doesn't know what she wants from him. In the past year, I've heard her talk numerous times about having confrontations with him to tell him she needs more. She needs intimacy, affection, attention, and feeling like she is important in his life. Each time they have these discussions, he tells her doesn't know what to do and he accuses her of labeling him as a bad boyfriend. The fights are always the same.
As Connie talked, I couldn't help but think about B. and our relationship. Ah, even in such a case of explicit hurt and damage, I also had difficulty breaking up with him. I was in her boat for a long time too. One of the reasons it took such a long time to break-up with him (and so many times to break up with him) was because he didn't "understand" why I was ending things. For B., cheating was not considered cheating because his excuse was that it was acceptable in his culture. His other excuse was that he loved me. Whenever we started fighting, or whenever things started getting bad, he would simply say, over and over again, "But I love you. But I love you. But I love you."
As the dumper, I felt very responsible for him to understand why we broke up. I wanted, nono, I needed him to understand why it was over. I needed him to agree with me logically and rationally and to be OK with my decision. I wanted it to be our decision and I wanted him to not be hurt my the break-up. I was in that mental frame of mind for a long long time. Half a year, at least. So I suffered in silence because I hoped that he would see how tortured I was. But he could never understood why things were bad for me, why I felt like he had wronged me, or that he was wrong to begin with. B. didn't have a concept or understanding of morality. As such, each break-up to him felt ridiculous and unnecessary. And because he didn't understand it, I felt obligated to get back together. It didn't feel fair to me that he didn't understand our break-up. I thought to myself: as soon as he can understand and empathize with my experience, then we can amicably and mutually agree to a break-up.
Oh, silly me. That never happened, and I know now that it will never happen.
To this day, B. still does not understand our break-up, and he still feels like he is a much-improved man for not having sex with every woman walking down the street. He feels like he changed so much for me. He "credits" me for his moral behaviors. Whereas before, sexual affairs were the norm for him, he has now "learned" that it is hurtful. And so, he does not have sex with them. He "only" flirts with them, seduces them, leads them on, and does everything else but have intercourse with them. Oh, an improved man he is. Which is why he can't understand why I'm upset because, well, he loves me, and isn't that enough?
Which leads me to my initial question: What is the responsibility of the dumper when breaking up with the dumped/dumpee? Is the dumper wholly responsible for the dumpee's understanding of the break-up? To what extent can you expect or hope that they will have the same perspective and let you go freely and amicably? Can you even hope or expect for a friendly or non-hurtful breakup? Breaking up has always been so difficult for me because I was dumped by my first-love in one of the most hurtful ways ever. He simply stopped calling me and disappeared off the face of the earth. Yes, he simply cut of all contact and asked all of his friends to say nothing about him so that I would know nothing about him. We were high school sweethearts and after 2 years of long-distance in college, he became emotionally distant and then just disappeared. I was so heartbroken I left the country and decided to study-abroad and be far away. The breakup felt so out-of-the-blue to me and I couldn't understand it. Why? What did I do wrong? What can I do to rectify the situation? Why are you leaving me? To this day, I still don't know the answer. We had no discussion, no explanation, no closure. Since then, I vowed that I would never break up with anybody and I really tried not to. I really didn't want to, but I ended up being in relationships that are so abusive and hurtful that I HAD TO LEARN how to break up with people.
Still, I struggle with the responsibility of the dumper and the dumpee. Who is responsible for making sure that the dumpee understands the break-up? How much are you responsible for? And at what point do you just give up on explaining and just walk away? How do you define closure? Do all dumpees deserve closure? As a dumpee, I need an explanation and I need the finality of saying goodbye. As a dumper, I feel I am responsible for providing the explanation and offering a chance for redemption before saying goodbye. And saying goodbye is important for me, so I want to offer that as well. Beyond that, I think that's all I can do. If you can't understand this break-up even after I've explained it 100 times, then you simply can't understand. And if, after 100 explanations, nothing has changed, then I have to stop offering more chances for you to make things different. At some point, I have to give-up on helping you see my point and just walk away.
I just have to walk away.
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