My closest friend in the world, Ana, called me today for our regular chat/update. She told me about her co-worker being dumped by her boyfriend of 5 years. The boyfriend had told her that he had fell-out-of-love with her and that he wanted to end the relationship. The breakup happened over the weekend on Saturday, and even though it is now Tuesday, her co-worker continues to be in disbelief and will call him to say, "Honey, when are we going to pick out the Christmas tree together?" What's worse is that it is the holiday season and they are supposed to spend Christmas together with her family. During the break-up, she had asked him how recent his feelings had changed, and he said that he knew it was over before Thanksgiving! She was in disbelief because they had gone to visit his family over Turkey day and he had acted like nothing was wrong. Things were like they had always been.
Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city. After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week. He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him. He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.
Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it. Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me. I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again. It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.
Did Robert do that to me? And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?
While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart. Such good advice right? It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.
As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:
Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead. He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.
Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back. Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone. He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me. It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile. But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future. He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt. But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.
I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.
It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.
I've been in denial for 7 years!
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Showing posts with label dumper. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dumper. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Dumper Responsibilities
What are the responsibilities of the "dumper" who breaks up with the "dumped/dumpee"?
A girlfriend of mine, Connie, has been thinking about breaking up with her long-distance boyfriend of about 1.5 years. They met before she came to school this year and they've been living apart for the past year. They try to see each other 1-2 times a month, driving the 3 hour distance to visit each other on weekends and long vacations. Her boyfriend is a nice guy. But he's emotionally unavailable and calls her back whenever it is convenient for him. Sometimes, she goes for days and even weekends without talking to him because he's lost track of the time or placed the phone in another other room and therefore doesn't call her back. When he does call her back, it's usually a quick, 2-minute conversation that goes like: "OK I'm going to bed. G'night."
Still. He's not a bad guy which is why it's been so difficult for Connie to break-up with him. He didn't do anything bad or explicitly hurtful to her, so she feels guilty about breaking up with him. She surmises that he won't understand their breakup, and that he will tell her (again) that he doesn't know what she wants from him. In the past year, I've heard her talk numerous times about having confrontations with him to tell him she needs more. She needs intimacy, affection, attention, and feeling like she is important in his life. Each time they have these discussions, he tells her doesn't know what to do and he accuses her of labeling him as a bad boyfriend. The fights are always the same.
As Connie talked, I couldn't help but think about B. and our relationship. Ah, even in such a case of explicit hurt and damage, I also had difficulty breaking up with him. I was in her boat for a long time too. One of the reasons it took such a long time to break-up with him (and so many times to break up with him) was because he didn't "understand" why I was ending things. For B., cheating was not considered cheating because his excuse was that it was acceptable in his culture. His other excuse was that he loved me. Whenever we started fighting, or whenever things started getting bad, he would simply say, over and over again, "But I love you. But I love you. But I love you."
As the dumper, I felt very responsible for him to understand why we broke up. I wanted, nono, I needed him to understand why it was over. I needed him to agree with me logically and rationally and to be OK with my decision. I wanted it to be our decision and I wanted him to not be hurt my the break-up. I was in that mental frame of mind for a long long time. Half a year, at least. So I suffered in silence because I hoped that he would see how tortured I was. But he could never understood why things were bad for me, why I felt like he had wronged me, or that he was wrong to begin with. B. didn't have a concept or understanding of morality. As such, each break-up to him felt ridiculous and unnecessary. And because he didn't understand it, I felt obligated to get back together. It didn't feel fair to me that he didn't understand our break-up. I thought to myself: as soon as he can understand and empathize with my experience, then we can amicably and mutually agree to a break-up.
Oh, silly me. That never happened, and I know now that it will never happen.
To this day, B. still does not understand our break-up, and he still feels like he is a much-improved man for not having sex with every woman walking down the street. He feels like he changed so much for me. He "credits" me for his moral behaviors. Whereas before, sexual affairs were the norm for him, he has now "learned" that it is hurtful. And so, he does not have sex with them. He "only" flirts with them, seduces them, leads them on, and does everything else but have intercourse with them. Oh, an improved man he is. Which is why he can't understand why I'm upset because, well, he loves me, and isn't that enough?
Which leads me to my initial question: What is the responsibility of the dumper when breaking up with the dumped/dumpee? Is the dumper wholly responsible for the dumpee's understanding of the break-up? To what extent can you expect or hope that they will have the same perspective and let you go freely and amicably? Can you even hope or expect for a friendly or non-hurtful breakup? Breaking up has always been so difficult for me because I was dumped by my first-love in one of the most hurtful ways ever. He simply stopped calling me and disappeared off the face of the earth. Yes, he simply cut of all contact and asked all of his friends to say nothing about him so that I would know nothing about him. We were high school sweethearts and after 2 years of long-distance in college, he became emotionally distant and then just disappeared. I was so heartbroken I left the country and decided to study-abroad and be far away. The breakup felt so out-of-the-blue to me and I couldn't understand it. Why? What did I do wrong? What can I do to rectify the situation? Why are you leaving me? To this day, I still don't know the answer. We had no discussion, no explanation, no closure. Since then, I vowed that I would never break up with anybody and I really tried not to. I really didn't want to, but I ended up being in relationships that are so abusive and hurtful that I HAD TO LEARN how to break up with people.
Still, I struggle with the responsibility of the dumper and the dumpee. Who is responsible for making sure that the dumpee understands the break-up? How much are you responsible for? And at what point do you just give up on explaining and just walk away? How do you define closure? Do all dumpees deserve closure? As a dumpee, I need an explanation and I need the finality of saying goodbye. As a dumper, I feel I am responsible for providing the explanation and offering a chance for redemption before saying goodbye. And saying goodbye is important for me, so I want to offer that as well. Beyond that, I think that's all I can do. If you can't understand this break-up even after I've explained it 100 times, then you simply can't understand. And if, after 100 explanations, nothing has changed, then I have to stop offering more chances for you to make things different. At some point, I have to give-up on helping you see my point and just walk away.
I just have to walk away.
A girlfriend of mine, Connie, has been thinking about breaking up with her long-distance boyfriend of about 1.5 years. They met before she came to school this year and they've been living apart for the past year. They try to see each other 1-2 times a month, driving the 3 hour distance to visit each other on weekends and long vacations. Her boyfriend is a nice guy. But he's emotionally unavailable and calls her back whenever it is convenient for him. Sometimes, she goes for days and even weekends without talking to him because he's lost track of the time or placed the phone in another other room and therefore doesn't call her back. When he does call her back, it's usually a quick, 2-minute conversation that goes like: "OK I'm going to bed. G'night."
Still. He's not a bad guy which is why it's been so difficult for Connie to break-up with him. He didn't do anything bad or explicitly hurtful to her, so she feels guilty about breaking up with him. She surmises that he won't understand their breakup, and that he will tell her (again) that he doesn't know what she wants from him. In the past year, I've heard her talk numerous times about having confrontations with him to tell him she needs more. She needs intimacy, affection, attention, and feeling like she is important in his life. Each time they have these discussions, he tells her doesn't know what to do and he accuses her of labeling him as a bad boyfriend. The fights are always the same.
As Connie talked, I couldn't help but think about B. and our relationship. Ah, even in such a case of explicit hurt and damage, I also had difficulty breaking up with him. I was in her boat for a long time too. One of the reasons it took such a long time to break-up with him (and so many times to break up with him) was because he didn't "understand" why I was ending things. For B., cheating was not considered cheating because his excuse was that it was acceptable in his culture. His other excuse was that he loved me. Whenever we started fighting, or whenever things started getting bad, he would simply say, over and over again, "But I love you. But I love you. But I love you."
As the dumper, I felt very responsible for him to understand why we broke up. I wanted, nono, I needed him to understand why it was over. I needed him to agree with me logically and rationally and to be OK with my decision. I wanted it to be our decision and I wanted him to not be hurt my the break-up. I was in that mental frame of mind for a long long time. Half a year, at least. So I suffered in silence because I hoped that he would see how tortured I was. But he could never understood why things were bad for me, why I felt like he had wronged me, or that he was wrong to begin with. B. didn't have a concept or understanding of morality. As such, each break-up to him felt ridiculous and unnecessary. And because he didn't understand it, I felt obligated to get back together. It didn't feel fair to me that he didn't understand our break-up. I thought to myself: as soon as he can understand and empathize with my experience, then we can amicably and mutually agree to a break-up.
Oh, silly me. That never happened, and I know now that it will never happen.
To this day, B. still does not understand our break-up, and he still feels like he is a much-improved man for not having sex with every woman walking down the street. He feels like he changed so much for me. He "credits" me for his moral behaviors. Whereas before, sexual affairs were the norm for him, he has now "learned" that it is hurtful. And so, he does not have sex with them. He "only" flirts with them, seduces them, leads them on, and does everything else but have intercourse with them. Oh, an improved man he is. Which is why he can't understand why I'm upset because, well, he loves me, and isn't that enough?
Which leads me to my initial question: What is the responsibility of the dumper when breaking up with the dumped/dumpee? Is the dumper wholly responsible for the dumpee's understanding of the break-up? To what extent can you expect or hope that they will have the same perspective and let you go freely and amicably? Can you even hope or expect for a friendly or non-hurtful breakup? Breaking up has always been so difficult for me because I was dumped by my first-love in one of the most hurtful ways ever. He simply stopped calling me and disappeared off the face of the earth. Yes, he simply cut of all contact and asked all of his friends to say nothing about him so that I would know nothing about him. We were high school sweethearts and after 2 years of long-distance in college, he became emotionally distant and then just disappeared. I was so heartbroken I left the country and decided to study-abroad and be far away. The breakup felt so out-of-the-blue to me and I couldn't understand it. Why? What did I do wrong? What can I do to rectify the situation? Why are you leaving me? To this day, I still don't know the answer. We had no discussion, no explanation, no closure. Since then, I vowed that I would never break up with anybody and I really tried not to. I really didn't want to, but I ended up being in relationships that are so abusive and hurtful that I HAD TO LEARN how to break up with people.
Still, I struggle with the responsibility of the dumper and the dumpee. Who is responsible for making sure that the dumpee understands the break-up? How much are you responsible for? And at what point do you just give up on explaining and just walk away? How do you define closure? Do all dumpees deserve closure? As a dumpee, I need an explanation and I need the finality of saying goodbye. As a dumper, I feel I am responsible for providing the explanation and offering a chance for redemption before saying goodbye. And saying goodbye is important for me, so I want to offer that as well. Beyond that, I think that's all I can do. If you can't understand this break-up even after I've explained it 100 times, then you simply can't understand. And if, after 100 explanations, nothing has changed, then I have to stop offering more chances for you to make things different. At some point, I have to give-up on helping you see my point and just walk away.
I just have to walk away.
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