Permission to be myself

Given how intense my emotions have been, I decided I needed some good self-care and contacted my therapist for some tele-therapy.

I felt so much better after that conversation. My therapist, Angel, let me cry, voice my frustration without judgment, and then she helped me contextualize my feelings. She helped me understand why my reactions have felt so explosive, and to see its connection with deeper-rooted issues.

1. I miss my family, period.  And no matter how unfair it is that I'm putting it onto Jay (or even other friends), the fact of the matter is I feel displaced and I'm looking to fill that void and establish that connection everywhere.
2. I am an organized person that needs a lot of clarity. People communicate differently and it's OK to ask people for more details. Ask! Putting myself out there to have my needs met is better than preserving an image and restricting myself until I can no longer handle having my needs be minimized and I explode with questions. But I'm scared of asking.
3. I have made a lot of sacrifices (consciously or unconsciously) and am trying to understand if those sacrifices are "worth it." I'm trying to understand if my decisions (e.g., moving here!) are the right decisions. I'm unsure, scared, and fearful of past, present, and future decisions I have to make and the sacrifices that come along. For example: Would I choose to permanently stay here because of my relationship with Jay?
4. I adapt easily to accommodate peoples' wants, desires, and preferences. I can anticipate ahead of time what they want and mold myself accordingly. Consequently, I haven't been able to "be myself" in any circumstance. Not professionally, not in my romantic relationship, not even with friends given their overlap with my work. 
5. I live in constant fear of being rejected. I am terrified that something ugly about me will be discovered and I will be abandoned-- with no explanation. That's how my 1st relationship ended and I have since held-on to the assumption that there is something inherently "wrong" with me. I don't know what "it" is, but it's the only thing I can explain for when I try to understand the sudden break-up in my first relationship.

At the end of our session, Angel asked me to think about my life history and to recall when I've had permission to be myself.

Permission to be myself? 

100% me?

Her question stumped me and I realized that I have never felt like that was a possibility. Bam! 

I hadn't know that was how I lived my entire  life. I hadn't known that everything I know about relationships is how to compartmentalize and show only certain parts of myself with particular people.  It's no wonder I have a gajillion friends and yet still feel lonely sometimes. I can adapt to any social group I want and it's because I can identify with certain aspects of people or a group of people. 

But ask me if I've been able to be completely, wholly 100% of myself in a particular group or even with one friend?-- and I don't know if I could say yes to that question.

I don't think I've ever felt like I could be 100% of myself with my parents, either. Definitely not my father, and probably not my mother, if I'm being truly honest. Wow.

Having needs vs. being needy

Jeremy Grey: I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.

(Quote from one of my favorite movies: Wedding Crashers) 

I called my therapist this week and cried. We haven't spoken in 6 months, and without taking time to catch-up, I told her about Jay and the anxiety that is eating me alive. She reminded me to think about asking questions as addressing my needs versus being clingy or needy.  Last year around this time, she had caught me using those words to describe myself-- and we talked about my fear of appearing clingy or needy in a relationship. She said that in a span of 5 minutes, she counted me saying those words 4 times to describe myself!

I am fearful of having conversations with Jay about what I want need.  Asking for something from him feels needy.  I imagine that other people don't need or want as much as I do.  I envision seeing myself from a third-party perspective and I feel embarrassed of what I see. I am demanding, overwhelming, and asking for so much. Probably too much. I fear that he will think that I am too much and then he will leave. So I shut my mouth and stuff my questions inside, saved for when I am alone.

My wonderful therapist reminded me that I have always been curious and needed answers-- not only in romantic relationships-- but throughout my life.  In childhood, when I wondered about my parents' marriage under the threat of divorce, I had a million questions then:

• Who will I live with if you separate? 
• Will I ever see mom again? 
• Will I ever see my brother again?
• Am I going to survive living with dad?
• Can I survive with you?
• What am I supposed to do?
• How am I supposed to make the situation better?
• Should I act tough even though I'm terrified?
• I am so scared, can someone please explain what is happening to me.

Decades later, I still have these questions, although they are now in adult relationships and the anxiety is even more intense.

Outside of relationships, I also have a similar pattern when it comes to learning. I have curiosity and questions that need to be answered before I can move forward in work, school, etc. Back in 3rd grade, I had to complete an entire page of fractions during one class session. At the time, I was still confused about fractions and wanted to solve 1-2 problems to ensure their accuracy before moving forward with the rest of the worksheet. However, my teacher forbade us from making any noise or disturbance. We had to sit silently and fill-out all those questions at once. I could not do it.  I could not finish that worksheet because of my insecurity that I didn't know how to solve fractions. I feared everything would be incorrect if I just did them my way without checking the answer first. So, I ended up pretending to need kleenex and walking around the classroom to see how my friends were responding.  My teacher "caught" me walking and I got in major trouble. And yes, she was shitty teacher.

Today, this pattern remains and is how I operate. I need to see how something is done before I do it. I need to hear it, then observe it, and finally, I can do it myself. I need all my questions answered. After which, I flourish via scaffolding, assurance, building-up small dosages of confidence and self-efficacy. Once I have that system in place, I can hit the ground running and do 10X more than other people. My productivity is unbeatable once I'm assured of what I'm doing. Without that initial foundation, however, I am insecure, confused. I am a... child. Wow, I hadn't realized that until I wrote it out.  I feel lost, unsure, dubious of myself and what I should be doing. Much like how I feel now, which I suppose makes me regress to being... a child.

So,  I guess those same questions I asked when I was a kid? Those are the exact same fears in my adult romantic relationships now.


(photo courtesy: ever upward)

Am I "highly sensitive?"

According to this article on the HuffPo: 16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People, I definitely meet the criteria for being highly sensitive.

Can anyone else relate?

What will happen to us?

I've been preoccupied all week, wondering when Jay is graduating and what will happen afterwards. When I think about it, 2 feelings rise from within me:

1. Sadness
2. Anger

Why sadness? Because I feel certain about us breaking up. He will either leave me or we will be in a long-distance relationship.  He may be in a different country, a different state, a different city for sure. I'd have to re-experience long-distance again, similar to my first-ever relationship.

Feelings of anger also come up because I feel angry we haven't talked about what happens to us when he graduates. I spent so much time and energy cultivating the language to talk to the men I was dating last year. I would tell them on date 2, in month 2 at the very least, that I was leaving and to check-in on how they felt that would impact our relationship.  Jay has not done that. He has not asked for any of my input about my future. Leaving me to wonder if he even cares about our future. Am I in his?

Anger and sadness fuse together into one blazing ball of... pain. Hot tears burst out of me and I find myself unable to stop sobbing.

Why am I always the one initiating the conversation on "What happens next for us?"
Why hasn't anyone else ever cared, much less cared enough to ask me?

When B. was about to graduate and was planning his future a few months beforehand, I had asked him what will happen to us. He told me he could not guarantee the future nor give me a final answer about us. He "hate[s] long-distance." That's what he said, and we had already been in a 2-year relationship.  It was too painful accept then, but he was telling me:

"Goodbye dumb girl! I've been using you for the last 2 years while I'm here, and once I get to leave here, then it's good riddance to you too!"

If someone I was with for 2 years could leave me like that, then why wouldn't Jay (who I've only dated for 4 months) also say sayonara, baby! What else am I supposed to expect?
And if he anticipates long-distance dating, then why hasn't be bothered to have a conversation with me about it?
Am I supposed to just agree to it?  Because that's not how it's worked out for me when I've been the one to leave.

In my scenarios, all of the guys have gotten up and said "thanks, but not thanks" and then walked out of my life. How can he expect, without even talking to me, that I'll just say, "OK" and not even care about me or how I feel?

(photo courtesy from Tips to consider before entering a long-distance relationship)

Am I in a long-distance relationship?

The distance between me and Jay is approximately 123 miles.

The commute is a 2 hour and 35 minute drive.

Last weekend, when we met some people learned about this distance between us, they said to him: "Oh! So you're just her friend, not boyfriend." He shook his head and explained his role and that we generally see each other weekly. Still, they exclaimed, "No, you're just friends, then!"


I don't get it. What does the distance change? Apparently, everything.


In the 4 months that Jay and I have been dating, he drives to me on a weekly basis. Usually, he gets in around dinnertime on Friday and leaves sometime Sunday morning.  When he hasn't been able to come on Fridays, he will drive in Saturday and then leave early Monday morning.

This weekend, he would like me to go to him. In fact, he has requested that I attend a party-planning event to spend time with his friends. We are planning a party and hanging out-- in preparation for an actual humongous party next weekend.

• Part of me swoons with the idea of going to him. I am excited to see his group, his people, and be in his life.
• Another part of me needs a break from these weekend dates because I can never get any work done when we are together!

Am I currently in a long-distance relationship?

If I say NO to the one request he's ever asked of me, am I being a selfish bitch? By saying NO this time, will he think that I won't drive to him because I expect him to always come to me? That is absolutely NOT true but will he assume that?

If I say YES to this weekend escapade, will I be distracted and eventually resentful of my decision. Willl I be true to myself and my needs?  Will I be honoring my relationship with myself: a goal that I've been working toward throughout these last few years? By saying YES, am I giving up pieces of me for someone else (again)?

There is no right or wrong answer here, but being in a long-distance relationship would affect my ultimate decision.

I looked up some blogs today, hoping to read about long-distance relationships, but most of what I found detailed international long-distance relationships. As I read those, I wondered if mine constitutes long-distance. Originally, I would have said no, but others insist that it is! There is no ocean to cross here. No time zone change, and no need for currency exchange. Somehow, knowing all that makes it even more confusing to me.

Tests of trust

Sometimes, I test Jay.

I have tested every romantic partner I've ever had. And I'm pretty sure others do it, too.

What do these tests look like?

For me, they're mostly little self-disclosures rooted in vulnerability.
I say things to see if they'll warrant a reaction out of him.

The first time I cursed, I watched him to see how he would react.
Did his mouth twitch? 
Did his forehead wrinkle?
Did his lips part a little in shock?

Even if those reactions only happen within split-seconds, I can always catch them-- because I am waiting and watching for them.

Last night, I confessed to Jay how much I hate working-out. He is a work-out king and leads people twice-a-day to the gym. I couldn't see his expression over the phone, but I waited for his responses and my heart hung in the air.
Is he going to judge me? 
Is he already judging me? 
Will he still like me after this?


That's the main test, I suppose. With every disclosure I share, I'm implicitly asking him:
Now do you still want me? How about now? And even after this?

Wow. I hadn't even known that my intention until I wrote this out. When I've reflected on it, I've always assumed I was testing him rebelliously so that I can convey to him: I can't be tamed!

How untrue that is.  What I'm really asking for is: will you still stick around, knowing that I have all of these flaws, fears, weaknesses?

The "I am love-able" challenge begins now!

It's Valentine's week! A dreaded day for some singles, and high hopes for some coupled!

I am a combination of both:
hopeful because I am in a relationship; and dread-filled, because of the inevitable disappointments experienced year after year.

In the spirit of my most recent self-love post, I am going to start a month-long challenge to myself. The topic is on self-appreciation! Every day for the next 30 days, I will write about something that is love-able about myself.


"I am love-able because...."

And that is the only prompt I'll have to follow!

Can't wait, can't wait!

Geez, I hope to find 30 things that are love-worthy about me!

He's just not that into you

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but my favorite-movie-of-all-time is: He's just not that into you.

I love love love this movie and have watched it so many times with so many different reactions and emotions each and every time.  Some people may find it funny that such an insulting (title) movie can be a favorite. But I actually find the message and title to be absolutely empowering because it is the exact reminder that I need to move forward with my life without putting the blame entirely on myself.

When someone is not into me, it's not me, it's them! 


It's their decision not to like me! 

It is liberating to know that there's nothing I can/should do to change someone's decision not to love me. I know this now having learned hard way. When someone doesn't like me, I need to accept that I am not the exception in their story line, I am the norm. I am the 99% and not the 1% that they want to grow old with, start a life with, commit love to, and make compromises with.  No amount of hard work will change things so that I am the 1% (even though I always think that if I work hard enough, I can make myself the 1%). In the past, I've operated under the assumption that I can and will change myself in the hopes that they will grow to like me. But I now know that it's not a sign of failure, or not being good enough if I am the 99% rather than the exception. Instead of working sooo hard in a unsuccessful relationship, I can move forward and hopefully find someone who will adore me instead. I don't have to take responsibility for them not liking me. I don't have to work so damn hard for a love that will never come.

When my mom came this week, I made her watch the movie before she fell asleep 15 minutes into it.  She didn't really like the movie and was quite annoyed that women were portrayed to be so desperate and men-crazy. It's not her cup of tea, but that's OK.

She hasn't gone through what I've gone through (and I'm happy for her!) to appreciate the pangs of hopeless optimism and rejection. But I get it, and this movie rings true to me more than I would like it to!

Advice to my 14-year old self...

If there was something I could tell the 14-year-old me, it would be this:

Live your life without waiting for someone else.


I have put my life on-hold whenever a potential lover comes into my life. I stop, drop, and endorse a new identity for him... whoever he is.  No matter how great my life is beforehand, no matter how wonderfully I'm doing beforehand, I will change tracks for my romantic partner because I don't want to miss-out on him and lose him, altogether.

So, I make myself available to them so they don't forget about me/ forget about my presence.  I don't have one specific example in mind, but I have many many experiences of changing my path (literally my walking path) so that I can run-into that person to refresh myself in their memory.  I will change my schedule to adapt to his. I will maneuver my life to fit into his. I will wear the clothes that he likes to fit into his idea of a fantasy woman. I have done so much shape-shifting, partly motivated from my desire to please others; the other reason being my fear that if I don't work very very hard to fit him, then I will miss out on the most glorifying thing that I could ever happen in my life: being loved and finding the person that will love me forever.

So, now more than a decade later, I want to tell my 14-year-old self that it's not necessarily to put in so much damn work.


It shouldn't be that hard.  If it's meant to be, then it will be.  If it's not meant to be, then it will be... later. Did you hear what I said? Later, not never.  As a teenager, everything feels absolute: "If I don't ___, then I will never ___.  Listen, missy, there's no such thing as never. It's not the end if you don't adapt yourself to him. Your life journey will not be over, your identity will not be gone, and you will not shrivel up and die. The only thing you can ever lose is your identity, and you will lose that when you try so hard to fit yourself into someone else's life. 

You do not have to live for someone else, or be something different for another person.  If you did, then that's not the right person.  And if you did, then you no longer are a healthy person anymore, either. The right person will come along when you are ready and when he is ready.  You will not have to change so much of yourself or your life for him. You will do not have to work so hard for him.  You should never have to lose yourself for him or for someone else.  Just live your life honestly and authentically and good things will happen.  You may not be in as many relationships over the years, but I guarantee that you will be happier in the short- and long- run.

Finding my inner-peace

I had dinner with a friend/colleague last night and unintentionally, we got to talking about deep-deep-deep issues about trauma, abandonment, love, loss, grieving, and searching for spiritual meaning in our lives.

Our get-together was somewhat surreal. It was very personal. I felt very vulnerable. I got to be very emotional. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way too.

At some points, I wasn't sure if I should share so much of myself.  I'm glad I did though. I actually learned more about myself as I talked.

I realized that I can reach a little bit of peacefulness each day... if I'm really in-touch with myself and really present in the moment.

On my walks with Mr. Z., I sometimes reach a different state of mind, where I am entirely immersed in my walk and with nature. I can feel the breeze in my hair, the sunlight hitting my face, the sound of the grass moving, and the chirping of the birds. It can feel magical to have so much of my senses activated.

In those moments, I can feel gratitude and contentment in ways I have never felt before. I can feel appreciative of where I am in life today. I can feel optimistic about the future (whatever that may come), and I can let go of the past as something far away from the here-and-now. I can just be.  In those few minutes that I am so in-touch with nature, I can feel a connection with the world, with humanity, with compassion. It can last for a split second, and rarely more than a couple of minutes.  Nevertheless, in that time frame, I realize realize that it is actually possible for me to be at peace.

A little bit of inspiration

Sometimes I forget how far I come... especially compared to when I first started this blog.  That wasn't even a year ago, but I had been in such a deep hole at the time.  I had felt so mangled inside, so tortured, and in so much angst.

It was around last year this time that I realized nothing would work no matter how hard I was trying. I had absolutely no hope because being in the relationship was painful and leaving it felt equally painful.

My relationship with B. defeated me in ways I never imagined. Figuratively speaking, it brought me to my knees, and maybe even lower. I felt so broken from it and have been trying to heal, recover, and uncover myself once again.  Yes, I use the word "uncover" instead of "discover" because I believe the beautiful parts of me can emerge again.  They are in me. Somewhere. They're just waiting to be, well, uncovered.

That is the entire reason why I started this blog in the first place.

Why did we break up?

Earlier tonight, I talked to a friend about Robert and questioned aloud if I will ever forget this first love of mine.  My dear friend asked me something very poignant and has gotten me thinking ever since.

When I expressed being frustrated at our unhappy ending (to date), my friend asked me the following questions: "What if he told you why you broke up and the answer is not good enough for you?"

Hmm... Interesting. That's a good question.

What does "good enough" mean?

Suppose Robert were to say, "I don't know, I guess it just ended"-- that would not be good enough, I guess.  I would be confused and I would want specifics, like... "Why did it just end?" "Why did you/I/we let it end?" "Why wasn't it worth it to keep it going and not end?"

Suppose Robert said, "There was too much chaos at that time in my life, with my mom's health issues, my dad's financial issues, my own academic and career issues..."-- that would also not be good enough because I would not know why those things have any connection to our relationship.  This quote is actually a summary of what he actually told me when I saw him a few years ago.  But rather than ask him what it had to do with us, I immediately shifted to how he's doing now, and how his mom and dad have been doing since then.  I never asked about us.  I felt it was too selfish and too me-me-me-focused, and instead, I have obsessed about it by myself ever since.

So clearly, after talking to my friend, I've thought about a few hypothetical answers and I have realized that at this point, what I need to know is: whether he loves me today, whether he loved me at the time when we broke up, and whether he loved me when we were together.  Was it real?

I didn't have the guts to ask him these exact questions when I saw him a few years ago.  I felt too cowardly. Today, I continue to feel terrified of his answer and how it will shatter my image of him and of our relationship.  There is the saying: "action speaks louder than words" and if I were bright enough, I would know that his inaction has spoken volumes.  Over the years, Robert's inactions have been telling me very clearly & very explicitly that he does not love me any more, that he couldn't care less about me or what is happening with me or my life. And he has completely disappeared as much as possible to me and to all of his friends, into some sort of a depression hole.  In the few times that he's interacted with his friends, he's told them not to relay any information to me. He's been surprised to hear that I socialize with them.  And he's been upset that they have chosen to interact with both myself and him. I didn't find out any of this until this winter break when I went home. For the first time, I learned that over the past few years, he's been guarding against me like I'm an enemy, or at the very least, an outsider that he wants little/nothing to do with.

Learning all that information has been very hurtful.  And I kind of forgot about it until... now. Why? Why did I "forget" that Robert chooses to disappear from everyone including me? Why can't I accept that he wants nothing from me and nothing to do with me.

Why can't I accept this reality for what it is?

Through his actions and inactions, Robert is saying he feels nothing for me, he's moved on, and he doesn't even want to have any direct or indirect contact from me.  Why do I continue to romanticize him and our relationship and feel like there was so much more, when clearly there's absolutely nothing left?

This entry makes me feel utterly pathetic, desperate, and all the things I would never want to be associated with.  Alas, it is a version of the truth, and although it hurts, it's also very real.

Being alone.

Can't sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am.  Monday thru Friday, I am dying to sleep just a few more minutes after my alarm goes. But now look! On this bright and early Saturday morning, I find myself unable to sleep past 530am. UGH.

As I sit alone in my living room, I reflect again on my alone-ness and how spiritual this experience is for me.  When driving home last night, I found myself reflecting about my current lifestyle and how it's been healing me because I don't have to constantly keep taking care of others.

In the past few months, being alone has felt incredibly empowering. In almost all relationships, I feel the responsibility to take care of the other person.  Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even an acquaintance, I think about their needs/wants/desires/preferences. Especially in a romantic relationship, their stuff always trumps my own.  This is why I feel so empowered these days to eat what I want, do what I want, and stick to a schedule that fits me without having to consider another person.

I've also realized that my responsibility toward others is not just toward human life.  When I'm working at home, I think about Mr. Z and what he wants.  I'm distracted by his needs and so I struggle with getting my work done.  In the past week, I've spent entire mornings at the coffee shop so I can do my work without having him there.  Leaving him has felt pretty selfish, but I've also been working my way up to leaving and not feeling guilty about having activities outside-of-the-house.  Before having a dog, I used to be home very very rarely.  Other than cook, eat, sleep, and watch some TV, I was never really here.  But now that I have a dog, I spend as much time here as possible, even moving my social activities into my home so that I stay with Mr. Z.  In many ways, I am happier (see earlier post on my emotional, physical, and spiritual growth because of Mr. Z).  At the same time, however, I feel a decrease in productivity because I do feel anchored to my home.

Why is it that I can only focus on myself when I am completely and utterly alone?  Why can't I do it with someone else in the room or in my space? Why do I always prioritize others before myself?

The 2 places that allow me to focus on me is: 1) airplane/airport and 2) coffee shop.  Let me elaborate: when travelling, I have long enjoyed the fact that I can stick on my earphones and tune out the world altogether.  I can choose to make zero eye contact and I can focus completely and utterly on my thoughts, my getaway, my destination, and my plans. It's completely socially appropriate and acceptable.  In fact, it's the norm that most people don't talk to each other during those journeys.  Because I tend to fly at least once a month, I also look forward to it as an empowering experience between high up in the air, removed from everything and everyone.  You are simply alone and you cannot take care of others even if you wanted to.  I am alone from people, from things, from connections, from all sorts of responsibilities.  I would prefer not having the option of wi-fi in the sky simply because that's the one and only place that allows me to get away from it all.

As for the coffee shop, I also feel it is an "alone" experience because I sit alone in my own table.  My space is that table, and with the table being open, I am (happily) alone.  Having studied before with other people, I enjoy the social aspect but am also distracted by their needs as well.  Are they tired of studying? Am I talking too much/little? Do they seem like they are antsy to get out of there? etc. etc.  Yesterday, while sitting at a local coffee shop, I saw a couple study together at the table next to me.  I felt a stab in my heart and was reminded of my studying days with B.  That was probably what our life most resembled: study dates together because we commiserated over our doctoral work and enjoyed/needed to do work all the time.  And yes, on the one hand, it was great because it was both productive and semi-romantic at the same time.  On the other hand, I hated studying with him because he would stay for hours and hours while I got colder and hungrier at the coffee shops.  I also hated going with him because he would often make me leave early to drive him around to other places.  But the chauffeuring part is another story altogether.  That's just one sad story of being taken advantaged of and letting myself be constantly taken advantaged of.  My point about the coffee shop is that I love going alone! And the more I think about it, I am so glad that I will never have to go to a coffee shop with B. again. Seeing that couple yesterday made my heart ache but it also made me feel nauseous.  I hate B. right now and want nothing closely related to him or what we did together.  Romance is out of the question, and so is studying with a romantic partner.  Seeing all these couples make me want to gag.

Sitting with (no) hunger

I struggle with emotional hunger, hormonal hunger, or whatever the eff you want to call it. In my journey to being healthy, I have to fight this battle and win. I need to figure out why food often feels like a savior to me, both psychologically and physically.

In my family, my mom and I are known for getting sick when we get hunger.  We both get headaches, we both feel nauseous, and we both have reputations for getting better immediately after we eat.  In elementary school, I went home once a week for about a year because I had those symptoms.  I'll never forget the time when my dad picked me and took me to eat at a steakhouse during the noon hour. The nurse was not able to find my mom, so dad had come to take me home. Since it was lunchtime, we stopped at a restaurant, where, for the first time, I felt like I had 1-on-1 bonding with my dad.... and a steak to myself!  Afterwards, I was as healthy as a horse.

Today, my brother continues to make fun of me for being "sick" when I'm actually hungry. He makes fun of me for it, but the sickness feels very real. Because it feels so real, I actually fear being hungry and take preventative steps by making myself feel full.  Even when I'm not actually hungry sometimes, I wait until I feel just a little hungry... and then I quickly take the opportunity to eat... even if maybe I'm not actually that hungry yet.

An example would be... now.  It's 9pm right now and I am not hungry.  I had a very (healthy) fat lunch this afternoon, eating sauteed bacon and kale, and spooning half an avocado with an entire tomato. The fat content of my lunch has kept me very full and satiated for the past... 7 hours.  Wow. 7 hours! I should be celebrating not being hungry and not being nauseous or having a headache.

But instead, I am waiting very anxiously for a sign from my body to detect hunger.  I am not able to work on my dissertation. I simply sit and keep sensing my body, waiting to see if it might possibly be a little hungry. I tempt myself by thinking quietly, "Hey! I have food just sitting in the fridge. I have pre-made so many paleo meals and snacks that I really want to go stuff them into my mouth!"

But the problem is that I'm not hungry and this reality makes me feel even more anxious than I can imagine.  Why? Why?!

Is it because eating is how I relax?
Is it because eating allows me to watch TV, chat on the phone, and get away from my schoolwork?
Is it because eating requires cooking and prepping food-- and both things make me oh so happy?

Eating brings me so much joy. The preparation of it, the process of it, and the satiated feeling afterwards. I want to rush to it so badly, that I tend to overeat and to be overly sensitive to any sign of possible hunger.

So, as I sit here, I am fighting my body right now and stopping it from asking "Am I hungry yet?" every few seconds.  I am waging a battle against my brain that incessantly questions, "what about now? now? now? Are you sure you're not hungry and you don't want to eat something? The kitchen is riiight over there..."


This. is. war!!!

An ode to Mr. Z

I am grateful to Mr. Z for so many reasons. A few months ago, my friend Penny remarked that Mr. Z was the only one that actually saved me from my relationship with B.  No amount of help/advice from friends was enough to give me the final push to end it all.  Ultimately, it was Mr. Z that helped me get out of what was killing my soul, and making me feel like I had no will to move forward.  Mr. Z was the final reason that helped me to have the courage to finally break up.

What Penny may not know, however, is that ever since the breakup, Mr. Z continues to do so much for me. To begin, I've realized that I'm healthier because of him.  Emotionally, spiritually, physically... I'm healthier thanks to Mr. Z.

At the emotional level, I feel such unconditional love, loyalty, and support from him. He is so excited to see me all the time, and his kisses are so true, so authentic, and so in-the-moment. Mr. Z wants nothing more from me than just me.  He has no expectations for me, no judgment toward me, and no conditions linked to my self-worth.  He likes me for me.  More importantly, it's my energy he wants, and my smell that he wants, and all the things that I can't change and adapt. Mr. Z doesn't care if I gain weight, if I'm dressed like a bum, or if I'm in a foul mood. He likes me for who I am: just my being.

At the spiritual level, I find myself living life in a more grounded and present way. When we take walks, I am seriously detached from work and stress and focused on our walk. I actually breathe in the fresh air and smell the roses. I slow down immensely to enjoy what is happening all around me.  I hear the wind blowing, I feel the movement of the grass, I hear the birds chirping, and I revel in being part of nature. More than anything, I enjoy watching him zig zag around smelling all the things that our human noses can't detect. I wonder what he smells and what he's dragging me towards. I love imagining what he's thinking, what he's dreaming, and what he loves, and what motivates him. When I am spending quality time with him, I'm completely removed from technology. I don't walk with my cell phone, I don't watch TV when playing with him, I don't work on the computer when brushing his hair.  It's just us and our energies together!

Last but not least, is the physical health that he brings me. The most tangible evidence is that I walk 100X more than I did before.  Each day, we take walks outside: in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bedtime.  No matter how cold or hot it is, we walk, whether it is for 15 minutes or sometimes up to 2 hours! The point is, Mr. Z makes me move my body in ways other than being hunched over my computer!  Diet-wise, I've also changed significantly because of Mr. Z.  My journey to Paleo is partly inspired by Mr. Z.  Even before adopting him, I did a lot of research on dog foods and what's best for him. I learned that the fewer the by-products, the better the quality.  I learned that processed foods is also bad for dogs, and that products like soy and corn are terrible for their health. On a weekly basis, I spend a lot of money on Mr. Z's foods.  I choose the best because I select items with the least amount of ingredients.  One of my favorite snacks for him is a duck and sweet potato cookie.  It is part of the "Limited ingredient" items and contains exactly what it should: duck and sweet potato!  When I began to re-evaluate my food options while working out, I've also realized that I should be a little more picky with my diet, like eliminate soy and corn!  And funnily enough, that's exactly what Paleo emphasizes!  Eat whole, unprocessed foods!  Eat organic foods! Eat simple foods! Eat like how I feed my dog?

Now why didn't I think to treat myself in the same way that I treat Mr. Z?

Hence... my quick switch to Paleo these days, and my motivation to eat simple, unprocessed, and organic.  I treat my dog so well and want him to be so healthy!  Why don't I do the same for me?  Also, when the weather gets really bad here, I also put him on the treadmill for 15 minutes a day.  Seeing how I value his daily exercise, I've also wondered why I don't prioritize my health and fitness!  Hence, the extra motivation these days for me to sign up for fitness classes and to schedule routine work-outs at the gym.

If I compared my lifestyle now to my lifestyle last year (pre, during, and after my breakup with B), the change would be substantial. Dramatic. Life-changing.  Last year this time, I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life.  I was heartbroken, anxious, scared, and completely and utterly alone in my shame and my unhealthy relationship.  I couldn't let go, I didn't know how to let go, and he wouldn't let me go. I detached myself from friends, I did no exercise whatsoever, and I ate very poorly.  My diet was so sad, pathetic, and painful for me.  I didn't eat what I want.  I didn't cook what I wanted. I had to cook for him, for us, and I had to make all these decisions based on what he preferred. I couldn't even have my own personal space to sit, reflect, or think-- because he would never leave me alone. His fears of being alone suffocated me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Yes, suffocating is the best word to describe the feelings he gave me.  In contrast to where I am today, where I am growing, thriving, and feeling myself recovering, I was in the complete opposite place just months ago: drowning, suffocating, and losing the will to even flail as I disappeared into the quicksand.

Thinking about all this brings back some pain, some heartache, and a lot of sadness.  I'm sorry I went through that. And I'm sorry I couldn't be where I am now.  But I'm also uber grateful for now, and uber grateful for the changes I've since made in my life. These days, my day-to-day life consists of joy, liberation, inspiration, and healthiness that Mr. Z gives to me. 

Thanks, Mr. Z.  This is my ode to you!

So, this is how I love.

Mr. Z's birthday is coming up!
I knew this was the case, but I didn't know the exact date until I looked at his adoption papers this week.
March 16, 2009-- my little boy is going to turn 3!

I can't begin to tell you the excitement that I had this week. I went into full-on party-planning mode and looked up birthday cakes and dog cake recipes for him. I felt an out-of-control excitement about making his FIRST birthday with me very special and very meaningful.  For him and for me! With a history of abuse and such serious separation anxiety, I want to celebrate Mr. Z. and let him know he is SO loved and adored.

In the midst of scouring the internet, I had an out-of-body experience watching myself get so excited.  I wondered, "who am I?"  "Who is this woman who is so excited celebrating a dog's birthday, and even planning to have a party and party invitations to friends with and without dogs?"  "Who is she and what did she do to the person that was there before?"

The me before = dog-hater.  Yes, I hated dogs starting at the age of 8 when my brother (age 6 at the time) was attacked by an Akita and almost had his entire right ear bitten off. I was next to my brother when it happened and we were at my dad's friend's house having a BBQ celebration on a warm summer day.  It should have been a perfect night, and I remember even thinking that when it happened.  One minute, I was feeling present and grateful for such an amazing summer night.  The next minute, I heard a sound and turned to see the gigantic Akita on top of my brother.  The night quickly turned from heaven to hell.  Absolute hell. We rushed to the ER, the doctor was an asshole who took his time coming (he had the audacity to ask if we would pay cash because then he'd come faster), and then afterwards, I had to go home with only my dad and worry about my brother.  I thought about giving up my ear for my brother. And it really was such a painful and terrifying process for him. After that incident, my entire family hated and feared dogs. Even teenie tiny ones like Yorkies and Chihuahas.  In college, when walking from one place to another, I would change paths if I saw someone heading toward me walking a dog.

Yup. That's the backstory. That's why I'm sometimes still surprised that I a) adopted a dog this year, and b) love my dog as much as I do.  It's even more of a surprise that I'm soooooooooooo into celebrating him and being the animal lover that I never thought I could be (and would actually roll my eyes at)!

So, now you can see why I'm in disbelief about my own behavior.  I realized I needed a reality check and quickly messaged one of my oldest childhood friends to ask her what was happening to me.  I asked her the same questions I asked myself!  "Who am I?" Am I acting out-of-character?" "Why am I acting so out-of-character?" "What is happening to me?"

When she responded, her answer was better than anything I could have ever come up with.  Yay! Thank goodness for friends who really really know me-- even better than myself sometimes!  She said to me that she did NOT think I was acting out-of-character and that I'm quite consistent with myself.  She remarked that THIS IS HOW I LOVE and THIS IS HOW I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED-- whether it is for a family member, for a partner, etc. etc.  She said that for me, it's clear that I love Mr. Z. and want to make him happy.  So, taking all this into consideration, she did NOT think I was behaving strangely, and in fact, she thought I was being VERY VERY ME.

Her response set be back.

Wow.

That was such an eye-opening response and a very compassionate way to see myself.  Since getting her perspective , I've begun to reflect on why I'm so judgmental towards myself, and why I'm not able to be more strength-oriented when it comes to viewing myself.  I also learned through my friend's modeling of how to treat myself. Rather than frame my excitement into something negative, my friend reminded me to see myself in a positive light, in a realistic but encouraging light, and to offer myself more kindness, non-judgmentalness, and of course, compassion to myself.

A waste of...

I have an aversion toward wastefulness.  I hate wasting time, food, energy, you name it!  I cannot stand wasting.

My brother is currently dating a woman who I really like.  My only (but major) annoyance is her tendency to waste food.  She'll take a couple of bites out of her meal and throw the rest away.  She'll order a giant steaming cup of coffee and toss it after just a couple of sips.

Wasting.  Whether it's a tangible object thrown away or emotional investment thrown into the wind, I find it gut-wrenching. 

Case-in-point: all of my failed relationships.

I look back and feel like I've wasted a lot of unneccessary time, energy, resources, and potential on boys/men who have broken my heart.  My friends comfort me of course.  They say, "Nono! Those are life experiences.  You will grow from them and you will know more about what you want."

My friends are partly right.  I agree that I'm growing (and will continue to grow) from the challenges that life throws at me.  At the same time, I still look back and feel like I've wasted way to much time with people who weren't appropriate for me.  A good friend once gave me some wise words of comfort when I asked if I was a magnet for mean men.  She said that I wasn't necessarily problematic as a person.  But I do tend to hold onto relationships even after seeing all the red flags.  Whereas most people would see the problems and say, "thanks but no thanks! I release you back int othe sea!"  I don't let them go, and I instead continue to hold on and to have hope.

So maybe that's the wasted time.  Perhaps none of my ex-partners were a waste of my life experiences.  But the length of time I spent with them could have definitely be shortened.  From now on, I want to place more value on my time and to make sure I don't waste anymore than I already have.

Speaking of waste... the paleo diet is scaring me because of how much "waste" I have to clean out.  I have so many yummy foods and snacks that are considered NONpaleo, but that I don't have the heart to throw away. What am I supposed to do with my ricotta cheese? My soy milk? My soy sauce? My tofu? My mango and milk ice cream bars? My chocolate drumsticks with peanut chips on top? My sesame balls wrapped in rice? Throw them all away? That would be wasting -- and wasting is so heartbreaking for me!

Why write about Paleo?

Just a quick note about me going paleo...

I feel vulnerable.

I'm just saying out loud so I can battle my fears.

I feel vulnerable sharing (with the world) that I am attempting a diet and trying to eat healthy.  I feel naked and exposed and fearful about failing and being witnessed to fail.  This is where chubbiness has its perks. If I act like I don't care about eating healthy, then no one will expect me to look healthy/fit.  But if I set a goal like going paleo (which is a HUGE deal), then there will be expectations..... and consequently disappointments.

I don't want to disappoint anyone.  I don't want to disappoint you, you, you.... or myself.  Because if I feel like I disappoint someone or anyone, I will feel ashamed.  And I do not want to feel ashamed.

Soo... the reason this paleo diet is relevant to my empowerment is that this is new for me. And potentially liberating.  Presently, it is terrifying.  I'm baring something new for me.  And I'm a little scared, a little hopeful, and a lot anxious.  I hope no one will point-a-finger at me if/when I fail to say, "but you said you were going to do ______, and you didn't. You failed.").  I don't want anyone to feel like I'm a failure, because as it is, I WILL feel like I've failed when I don't see results.

Nevertheless, I'm determined to do something new to be healthier.  I want to push myself to be physically healthier and to also be mentally healthier and more positive about me. I want to try risk-taking and sharing my flaws, my limitations, and my areas for growth. I really want to be empowered by this process.

Taking care of others too much

A few days ago, I re-experienced feelings I had when I was with B. -- feelings of resentment, anger, feeling stuck, helpless, and also frustration towards him and myself.

It happened when a friend invited himself to cook at my place.  This friend, who I will call Will, messaged me out of the blue to say he wants to cook and is dying to learn some of my dishes. We had met 5 years ago at an event that I hosted, and we had struck up great conversation and had lots of laughs.  In truth, I don't know much about him or vice versa, but since he was so insistent on cooking together, I eventually said OK and then went shopping for all the groceries we would need for our weekend cook-fest.

Despite feeling stressed about all my schoolwork, I figured we'd spend about 3-4 hours cooking and eating together.  In the end, Will came and we cooked and we had a great time for about.. 5 hours. But then he stayed even after the dishes were cleared, after the dishes were washed, and after I packed him food to take home!  He invited himself to do his homework here.  And the whole time he talked on and on and on and on about his relationship woes and about what he wants with his life.

Don't me wrong, I love to hear what's happening with friends and to catch up. I love cooking too, and the combination of friends + food is usually heavenly for me!  But Will drained me.  Will's entire visit drained me. He didn't help much in the kitchen because he refused to touch raw meat. He didn't offer to help me with dishes (at least fake offer), and he invited himself to stay and ended up being in my place for 9 hours! I had to feed him dinner too, and when he left and took some food home, he didn't even say thanks.  That was the worst part.  He didn't even say thank you.

After Will left, I was infuriated with myself. I was so resentful and angry and frustrated-- all at myself.  Why was I such a good hostess even when I wanted him out of the house so that I could recharge by myself and do my work? Why did I continuously offer him more drinks and ask about his comfort when he was already overstaying his visit?  Why did I focus so much on his comfort rather than my own-- because I was damn well uncomfortable with him being here for SOOOOO long!

Those feelings are what I had with B., toward the end, the middle, and maybe even the beginning of the relationship.

I was NEVER fully comfortable with B.  He was always so picky, so nit-picky, so judgmental, so critical, so condescending, so insulting, so negative... I could never fully be comfortable because I was always wanting him to feel more content/comfortable/happy.  I always catered to his needs while feeling like I was walking on pins and needles myself.  Being with him was like holding my breath and continuously reminding myself: "Just do a good job, cater to his needs, and then when he leaves, then he'll be gone so you can focus on you!"  I always wanted a good ending; a good parting.  I wanted him to have an awesome experience so that when it's over, he will have positive memories.  I never considered myself in the equation-- my needs were on the back-burner... waiting until his needs are met and when he leaves-- that I can finally attend to myself.

The worst part of it all is the inconsistent and conflicting feelings I had inside and on the outside.  The more I resented him, the more I wanted out of the relationship, the more I realized how terrible he was as a human being... the more I catered to his needs.  As if I hadn't bent-over-backwards enough to begin with, I did it 10 times more once I realized how much I despised him in my heart.
The worse I felt on the inside, the more attentive I became to his needs.  Why? I don't know.  I have racked my head again and again and again, and I simply don't know.  All I can hypothesize is that I knew it would be over and I wanted a good ending.  I wanted some sort of harmony and positive memory before the chapter would end.

Also, I think I wanted to have no regrets.  I didn't want to walk away and wonder later if I could have tried harder.  I didn't want to regret not giving 100000% of myself at the end and wondering if it would have made a difference.

In this way, I suppose it makes sense that I ignore my needs and take care of others first. It's something I really want to work on and to eventually stop doing.  It's something I want to change because it's entirely unhealthy. I am split apart into 2 halves: both on extreme ends of the spectrum and both equally intense.  That inconsistency is not healthy and I want to have congruency.  I want my inside (feelings) to match my outside (expression/behavior). That's healthy.  That's wholesome.

Working out

I have been working out routinely for the past 3 weeks! Going to the gym, taking bootcamp courses, hiring a private instructor... this is all new for me!  In the past, I have hated working out.  I have avoided it at all costs, and I have had very very good reasons to!  My congenital health issues have made it hard to work out.  But having undergone surgery 10 years ago, I've since been able to do anything others can do.  I just... don't know how to do them.  Don't know how to use muscles that I haven't used before!

My decision to work out this time-- very proactively might I add -- is because I want to improve my relationship with myself.  I want to invest time, energy, resources, and hope in myself.  For so long, I've neglected myself, including what makes my body feel good, and what makes me feel good and healthy.  I am seeking out exercise for this reason, and this reason only.

What a stark contrast that is to my past goals!  Before, if/when I ever worked out, it would be for unrealistic goals of looking like a pageant queen in 4 weeks.  I worked out so that I could be skinnier, less chubby, more pretty, more attractive.  I motivated myself by thinking of the gym as a place of punishment: you are fat, you must burn it off.  I was extreme in my behaviors, and even worse, I placed unrealistic expectations toward the final outcome.  After 1 workout, I would want to see results.  I would expect to lose weight, or feel like my clothes are looser, or I would hope others would comment on me being smaller.  None of that happened by the way.  I would also be very restrictive in my eating, and eventually, when I didn't see results, I would give it all up and start binge-eating!  I'd eat everything I want without any control. Now that's extreme.

Which is why this time around, my whole workout journey/adventure is completely different. This time, I'm working out to reward myself, to focus on myself, to pay attention to my own needs (rather than someone else's).  I am carving time out of my schedule for me.  I am also making meals specifically for me. I don't have to compromise, sacrifice, or build up any resentment because of someone else.  I can eat what I want, work out when I want, and sleep whenever I want. It's absolutely wonderful and already, I feel health(ier), happ(ier), more hope-filled and more at peace than I have ever felt before.

My feelings of content are so strong these days.  It is probably because my lifestyle is SO different from when I was with B.  I no longer have to sleep very late because of him and his irregular sleep cycle. I also don't have to binge-eat large meals and then skip meals because he has strange eating habits that I can surely describe as disordered eating.  The content of my meals are also healthier! I can eat garlic, I can make things with tomatoes (which he hated), I can cut down on carbs and just eat protein (he wants rice with his meals when we make curry), and I can also decide what I want to do and when I want to do it without him being whiny, judgmental, or condescending.  That's been a very liberating change.  In the past, if I were to do fun things without him, B. would punish me afterwards by being mean, emotionally unpredictable, and even at times being purposefully provoking.  I distinctly remember when I left town to visit family during Winter Vacation last year.  I had spent a lot of time preparing for our family yard sale, and when I told him all about it, he had said, "Work? You work? You don't work, you're lazy."  We had a humongous fight over his insulting words, and he later confessed that he was upset that I was having fun with family while he was alone and doing his work.  Can you imagine anyone else more selfish? Keep in mind that when I left town, I invited him home with me and he chose not to come.  Furthermore, when I asked if he would miss me (because of course I would miss him), he said "No, I'll be too busy working because I have so much to get done."

Yeaaaaah OK. You're busy. You work hard. And everyone else bum around and do nothing. Enjoy your fantasy world and continue to torture yourself while we live happy, well-balanced lives.

In retrospect, I am soo happy to be single. I am so happy to be OUT of that relationship with B., and OUT of the dysfunction that he creates for himself.  GOOD RIDDANCE TO HIM and GOOD RIDDANCE to all his baggage as well. Yesterday was Valentine's day, and I can honestly say that it was one of the best days ever because I was very aware of how happy and content I felt being on my own and feeling liberated, empowered, and striving to be even more healthy and peaceful.

I'm continuing my goals to work on me and to improve my relationship with myself! Go, me!