Hiding my needs

I went to a conference last week and had an impromptu reunion with friends.  We had deep discussions about relationships and I realized how much I continue to hold back parts of myself from my partner.

Take eating, for example.  For the last 2 years or so, I have mostly been eating a non-gluten, low carb diet. It has been called paleo, given it is mostly "cavemen" foods, such as meat, berries, leafy green vegetables, and some fruits. With consistent exercise and a balanced diet, I've lost some weight and gained muscle.  I've been in the best shape of my life and felt leaner, more energized, motivated, and confident.  But enter the dating scene and all of my self-care has gone out the window.

Especially since Jay, I've had zero self-control in my eating habits. In fact, I've been stuffing my face with no restraint.

A little bit about Jay and what he likes: Jay loves eating pizza, especifically thin-crust pepperoni. His comfort food is cheeseburger from fast-food place. Other favorites include biscuits with gravy and fried chicken. With most meals, he generally orders a diet coke. At times, we drive to gas stations where he'll pick up a sports drink and a bar of chocolate (usually a Butterfinger). He has a sweet tooth for all things sugar-y, including sour candies and most definitely chocolates.

Since being with him, I've gained 10 pounds. That means my clothes feel tight, my energy level is low, my body feels out-of-whack, and I generally feel down about physical presentation.

Now, Jay doesn't force me to eat the way he does. But when we talk about options for dining, his preferences are generally his options for me.  In turn, I feel stuck, so I say "whatever you want" and I usually end up eating terribly unhealthy and feeling miserable in my body. He has no idea, of course.

It's my fault for not speaking up. At 11pm the other night, he suggested getting biscuits and gravy from a fast-food drive-through.  I freaked-out in my head because all I wanted an egg so that I could fill-up on lean protein before going to bed. But for fear of disappointing him, I consented to his decision. So, at 1130pm, we ate biscuits, gravy, jam/jelly, and soda. I probably put on 5 pounds just from that meal.

My friend pointed out to me that I can easily have said no and offered to make myself an egg even if he wanted to go to a drive-through. It's OK to have different eating habits, she said, and to assert my needs.

Assert them?
That was when I realized that I don't even voice them!

I hide my voice for fear of what he thinks about the real me!

What will happen to us?

I've been preoccupied all week, wondering when Jay is graduating and what will happen afterwards. When I think about it, 2 feelings rise from within me:

1. Sadness
2. Anger

Why sadness? Because I feel certain about us breaking up. He will either leave me or we will be in a long-distance relationship.  He may be in a different country, a different state, a different city for sure. I'd have to re-experience long-distance again, similar to my first-ever relationship.

Feelings of anger also come up because I feel angry we haven't talked about what happens to us when he graduates. I spent so much time and energy cultivating the language to talk to the men I was dating last year. I would tell them on date 2, in month 2 at the very least, that I was leaving and to check-in on how they felt that would impact our relationship.  Jay has not done that. He has not asked for any of my input about my future. Leaving me to wonder if he even cares about our future. Am I in his?

Anger and sadness fuse together into one blazing ball of... pain. Hot tears burst out of me and I find myself unable to stop sobbing.

Why am I always the one initiating the conversation on "What happens next for us?"
Why hasn't anyone else ever cared, much less cared enough to ask me?

When B. was about to graduate and was planning his future a few months beforehand, I had asked him what will happen to us. He told me he could not guarantee the future nor give me a final answer about us. He "hate[s] long-distance." That's what he said, and we had already been in a 2-year relationship.  It was too painful accept then, but he was telling me:

"Goodbye dumb girl! I've been using you for the last 2 years while I'm here, and once I get to leave here, then it's good riddance to you too!"

If someone I was with for 2 years could leave me like that, then why wouldn't Jay (who I've only dated for 4 months) also say sayonara, baby! What else am I supposed to expect?
And if he anticipates long-distance dating, then why hasn't be bothered to have a conversation with me about it?
Am I supposed to just agree to it?  Because that's not how it's worked out for me when I've been the one to leave.

In my scenarios, all of the guys have gotten up and said "thanks, but not thanks" and then walked out of my life. How can he expect, without even talking to me, that I'll just say, "OK" and not even care about me or how I feel?

(photo courtesy from Tips to consider before entering a long-distance relationship)

Perpetrator

I couldn't sleep last night.  Again.

I laid in bed for a few hours, tossing and turning, and eventually crying.

I thought about my relationship with B. and how my identit(ies) have changed since him.  I especially thought about adding "sexual assault victim" in my identity and how uncomfortable that feels for me.  How unfitting that seems, because I didn't even know at the time.

What else will I discover about myself that I don't know?  B. has already taken away so much of my self-concept, self-esteem, identiti(es), and my sense of trust in the world and in myself.  This additional domain of being a perpetrator and victim in the bedroom is just too overwhelming for me. Too intense for me to even accept as part of my reality.

Looking back, "perpetrator" is the best way to describe him because he does exactly that: perpetrate. He invades and pushes himself onto me in so many different ways, in so many different domains, with no regard for anything that I have ever had to say.  He has no respect for my boundaries. He completely trespasses me in all the times I have said "no".  It's as if the more I say "no", the more he will push and shove his way into getting it--- as if to prove to me that he WILL always gets what he wants no matter what.

"No, stop, don't touch me."  Immediately after, he will poke me 3 more times.


"No, stop calling me. It's over." A few hours later, he will be calling and calling and calling me.

"No, I don't want to go there."  He will cajole and manipulate so that I eventually go there.  And by go there, I mean nightly liquor runs because I detest those kinds of trips and he knows it.

The perfect example here is him calling over the past few weekends.  When we broke up, I made it explicitly clear that I wanted absolutely no contact from him.  I even said I would call the police! Still, he called me 3X on the morning of my birthday and for 2 consecutive weekends after.


It's sick.

He is sick.  

And because I was with him for such a long time, I feel very sick, too.