He's seen all of me

I had quite a significant weekend with Jay.

On Friday, he arrived in the late afternoon to join me for a bowling event, where he met my colleagues and trainees. It's the first time my romantic life has ever intersected with work.  Afterwards, students came up to me and expressed their surprise at my personal life, because they didn't know I had a partner! Later, we went to a buffet with my friend Gina and stuffed ourselves until we could eat no more! We rounded out the night with some grocery shopping in preparation for Saturday's party, and then headed home to go to bed!  We were pooped!

On Saturday morning-- I snuck out of bed early and began making peanut butter doggy cookies for Mr. Z. Today was the big day! Mr. Z. was having his 5-year-birthday-party and I had invited 10 of my friends along with 5 of their dogs!  When Jay stumbled into the kitchen sleepily, I roped him into helping me! For the next 4 hours, we rolled out homemade dough int 120+ cookies shaped like gingerbread dolls, stars, clovers, and hearts. Afterwards, I got started on making Mr. Z.'s cake while Jay channel surfed until he found a twilight marathon. Yes, that was exactly how we spent the rest of the weekend-- we watched the twilight marathon session!

At some point, I made us leave the house in a hurry to pick up last-minute groceries before the party. I asked Jay if he wanted to join me in the shower but was rejected. Why? I don't know! It wasn't meant to be a sexual request. I just thought it'd be fun, intimate, and cozy. But he rejected me in the nicest way possible, saying it would mean we would never leave the house, which simply was untrue. I was super disappointed but tried to recover my pride and ego in the shower -- alone. Then we went shopping, buying last-minute but crucial things, like a BBQ grill (haha)! We returned home in time for Jay to piece it all together while I put the finishing touches on the cake. Then he seasoned the meat while I wrapped up goody bags for all the human and doggy guests.

As guests arrived, I got to say hi and entertain while Jay ran in and out of the house, grilling, cutting, making pico de gallo, and basically making all of the food. He was an amazing host who maintained his role behind the scenes even though he basically did it all. I mean, what's my measly hummus compared to his fajitas, hot dogs, and pico de gallo? As he worked hard, I played with babies, greeted my friends and their pets, and did whatever Jay needed when he asked for my assistance.

At one point, 2 of my girlfriends asked me how serious I considered our relationship to be. On a scale of 1-10, what would I rate our relationship?  With some probing, I concluded it was an 8.  Not a 9 because that would seem too serious for a less-than-6-month-relationship; and definitely not a 7 because we've already met each others' parents, for goodness sake! Melanie asked if I think he's THE ONE because she was able to tell in month 3 of dating, that her husband was meant to be. She just knew. "It felt different than the rest" she said. "It just fit" was how she summed it up.

I'd say all of her comments are true in my case.  Jay is special, he feels different from the rest, and we fit just right as well.  

In fact, while we were making cookies that morning, he mentioned something about Cinco de Mayo. I asked him what was happening that day, and he said that a good friend of his generally throws an awesome party each year to celebrate the holiday. Without waiting for him to ask me, I took a risk and disclosed that this day has made me nauseous for the last 4 years because that is the anniversary date of when I caught B. cheating on me.  In response, Jay goes: "Well, I guess this means I have to make this year's cinco de mayo extra special for you, right? If that's the message I'm getting, then guess what? Challenge accepted! I will make this day so awesome that you never have to feel nauseous about it again." I had to hold my breath because I was so moved by what he said. He literally took my breath away.

On Sunday, Jay and I slept almost until noon and then he cooked us brunch using the leftovers from the BBQ the night before. We finished watching the rest of the twilight marathon and laid on the couch the entire day. At some point, we talked about martial arts and I made him teach me how to throw people down! We wrestled for a good while and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. When he finally had to go, I felt this giant hole fill my heart. The void remained all night and the morning after until I finally left home to immerse myself into my work life 16 hours later.

Yes, that was the only was I was able to cope.

Is this normal? Do others have difficulty letting go of their partners when the weekend ends? As Jay was packing up last night, I told him that every time we say goodbye to each other, it feels like reality slapping me in the face because it's the end of vacation time. He agreed but said he had tons of work to do, which I completely understand. In fact, I offered to also drive down to visit him next weekend. I had a moment of panic, actually-- panic that he would say: "I'm too busy next weekend, so I won't be seeing you anymore."  Instead, he said he'll likely come for 2 days instead of 3-- and for some reason that still made me feel nervous, so I rambled on a bit about driving down to him and doing work together.

Sigh. Insecurity, I hate you, please leave me alone.

As Jay grabbed the last of his things and headed out the door, we kissed and I told him to let me know when he gets home. He promised he wouldn't forget and then got in his car and drove off. All my lightheartedness, excitement, fun-ness, and good mood also drove off with him, and I've been missing him ever since.


This weekend was pretty monumental for me. He has now seen every single aspect of me that there is to see: my friends, my work life, my style when it comes to throwing a party, my love for Mr. Z... and he's met my parents. What else is there? He's seen it all and I've got nothing left to hide. I'm officially at my most vulnerable now because he has the upper hand to decide if he wants out of this relationship.

He can now make an informed decision to leave me.

Planning for 2

It's still hard to believe I have a boyfriend/partner.
That is because for me, having a boyfriend means being able to plan for 2.
That's my dictionary definition! Having a boyfriend/partner = being a "we."
Up until now, I have not thought of us as a "we"-- as one entity.

I have made plans solo; and then afterwards, asked if he wanted to join.
I have not assumed his plans include me.
I have worked hard to distinguish him from me; and his from mine.

I've been hurt too many times in the past when I too quickly assumed that there was a "we."
I entered a relationship too excited, overly vulnerable, and then inevitably heartbroken.
I'd want to expose them to everything in my world and to want to know about theirs. Meet my friends, meet my family, get to know me.  Introduce me to your friends, your family, let me get to know you!

I've been emotionally slapped in the face one too many times so that now I take 3 steps, just in case.

Today, I took a risk.
Jay's spring break is coming up and I'm unsure if his plans include me.
I am currently making some plans for during that time and feeling unsure if he or "we" will be doing anything.
I texted him 10 minute ago and have not heard back.
My heart is pounding.
I just jeopardized all that I've done to protect myself and my vulnerability. Ugh.

Hiding my needs

I went to a conference last week and had an impromptu reunion with friends.  We had deep discussions about relationships and I realized how much I continue to hold back parts of myself from my partner.

Take eating, for example.  For the last 2 years or so, I have mostly been eating a non-gluten, low carb diet. It has been called paleo, given it is mostly "cavemen" foods, such as meat, berries, leafy green vegetables, and some fruits. With consistent exercise and a balanced diet, I've lost some weight and gained muscle.  I've been in the best shape of my life and felt leaner, more energized, motivated, and confident.  But enter the dating scene and all of my self-care has gone out the window.

Especially since Jay, I've had zero self-control in my eating habits. In fact, I've been stuffing my face with no restraint.

A little bit about Jay and what he likes: Jay loves eating pizza, especifically thin-crust pepperoni. His comfort food is cheeseburger from fast-food place. Other favorites include biscuits with gravy and fried chicken. With most meals, he generally orders a diet coke. At times, we drive to gas stations where he'll pick up a sports drink and a bar of chocolate (usually a Butterfinger). He has a sweet tooth for all things sugar-y, including sour candies and most definitely chocolates.

Since being with him, I've gained 10 pounds. That means my clothes feel tight, my energy level is low, my body feels out-of-whack, and I generally feel down about physical presentation.

Now, Jay doesn't force me to eat the way he does. But when we talk about options for dining, his preferences are generally his options for me.  In turn, I feel stuck, so I say "whatever you want" and I usually end up eating terribly unhealthy and feeling miserable in my body. He has no idea, of course.

It's my fault for not speaking up. At 11pm the other night, he suggested getting biscuits and gravy from a fast-food drive-through.  I freaked-out in my head because all I wanted an egg so that I could fill-up on lean protein before going to bed. But for fear of disappointing him, I consented to his decision. So, at 1130pm, we ate biscuits, gravy, jam/jelly, and soda. I probably put on 5 pounds just from that meal.

My friend pointed out to me that I can easily have said no and offered to make myself an egg even if he wanted to go to a drive-through. It's OK to have different eating habits, she said, and to assert my needs.

Assert them?
That was when I realized that I don't even voice them!

I hide my voice for fear of what he thinks about the real me!

Pandora's box

SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.

So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.

Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life.  Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!

Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend.  Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.

I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade.  DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?

What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?

I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true.  When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me.  It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.

I can't breathe.

Swinging from extreme emotions

I am emotionally reactive now and all of last night because Jay has not responded to my text at 8pm last night, or to my phone call at 10pm after I got out of work.

It is now 9am and I feel livid and fearful.  Livid because I've been ignored and discarded. Fearful because I wonder if something has happened to him.

My pendulum swings in extremes: anger, fear, anger, fear, anxious anxious anxious.  There is no middle ground unless sadness is the middle ground.

10 minutes ago, I saw his name pop-up in green in google chat, meaning... he's alive!  And my fear quells and my anger goes up.  Seconds later, my anger goes down, and sadness enters the scene.  Is he choosing to ignore me then? Is he consciously deciding not to respond to me?  Cue self-doubt: Did I do something bad to change his feelings from liking me to not caring about me at all? Return to scene: anxiety.

This is how the cycle works.  It is a series of pendulum swings, cycling from one negative emotion to another, until exhaustion takes over me and I go to sleep.

(photo courtesy thanks to: life & science)

My anxiety is eating me alive.

Yup, just read the heading: my anxiety is eating me alive.

I decided last Friday (at the last minute), that I wouldn't drive down to see Jay. It was a difficult decision to make, but my body expressed sheer exhaustion, thus forcing me to be true to what I really needed.  He was actually perfectly OK with my decision and still excited that I'd be coming the following weekend. Whew.

With the weekend devoted to myself, I did a lot of self-care. I slept early, prepared groceries and cooked for the week, spent much-needed time with friends, and basically regained my pre-boyfriend social lifestyle.  It was great. AND I missed him immensely.

I've been missing him a lot, and it saddens, angers, and frightens me. Being attached to someone is terrifying because the outcomes of past experiences have been so devastating. So far, I've kept my guard up with Jay. He hasn't seen my insecurities. He has yet to see me cry.  It makes honest conversations very difficult to have because I can't imagine talking about the future without revealing both of those dirty parts of me.  Yes, I said it. Logically, it makes no sense. But emotionally, I feel ashamed to have so much anxiety and fear about our relationship, and about any romantic relationship in general.

So, for the last 5 days or so, I've been immersed in insecurity. I wonder if he continues to like me. I fear he has lost his feelings for me or gotten used to my presence. I'm scared he's planning a future without me.  It's so rare to feel so powerless because unlike other times, I'm not the one leaving; I have no control over the outcome or process. 


Funnily enough, I also realize that part of my anxiety is not knowing what my future holds based on what I want. Do I want to stay in this rural community? Do I want to return to the big city? Could I be happy here, and would my decision to stay-put have to do with Jay, entirely?  Those big questions also circle me and the anxiety is overwhelming.

How much of this anxiety is about my decision to make?

And how much of this anxiety is about his decisions and its impact on me?




(link to everyday feminism's: how to have a healthy long distance relationship)

The cost of my experiences

When I say those 2 words: boyfriend, relationship, I feel dazed at first. Like I'm dreaming or talking about someone else. But within a millisecond, I feel jolted awake, as though someone slapped me to remind me of what's to come.

The term "relationship" and "boyfriend" conjures feelings of devastation. Like, I'm spiraling down soon and awaits me is imminent devastation and inevitable pain.

Yes, I am in a relationship. 
Yes, I have a boyfriend.

In my head, an evil part of me laughs and tells myself that I am re-signing my contract with the devil again. I am inviting myself to be broken by someone again.

Fuck.

It has been years since my last relationship but the damage to my livelihood, my happiness, my ability to love-- remains. I have not recovered or forgotten. My scars seem faded because I stopped focusing on them. But upon touching those areas, you will see that my wounds are still open, the pain still raw.

Why can't I be normal and happy?
Why can't I simply bask in the joy of being with someone?

Plus: What does it mean to have such strong reactions? Are my feelings simply a reminder of my past? Or do they also serve as as omens for my future?

Reading between the lines

As in every romantic relationship, I find myself reading between the lines all the time. Does he mean x when he says y? Does he think y when he actually wants z? Is he pretending to suggest z when when he's actually trying to convey x?

With thoughts like these in my head, I can never stop.  I cannot stop to smell the flowers and enjoy what I have. I am too busy searching for thorns in the roses and anticipating being poked and inevitably bleeding to death.

Sound dramatic? It's exactly how my heart feels and I have the perfect example from this weekend:

Today is actually Jay's birthday and since we are a bit of a distance away, we celebrated over the weekend. Before coming, he said he'd be leaving early on Sunday morning to get back home to do fun outdoor activities with his brother. I secretly breathed a sigh of relief that he was leaving early. His plan worked out perfectly for me because I had a ton of work to do and I desperately needed Sunday to play catch-up. But the fact that Jay said he was leaving early threw me for a loop because he was the one wanting distance, not me. And so, my feelings of insecurity, doubt, rejection flooded over. I took his request to mean that he no longer liked me and he would prefer to spend time doing other things with other people who are not me.

**As I write this down, I recognize the absurdity of my logic, but at the moment, my feeling of being subtly rejected was soo soo strong.

I told my brother how much this bothered me and I expressed sadness and confusion. Why isn't he maximizing his birthday weekend with me? Why doesn't he want to spend as much together as possible? What does it mean that he's not wanting to stay through to Sunday? Why?

My brother's response?

''He's coming all the way up to spend a couple of days with you. On the last day of the weekend, you have a ton to do. And he's leaving, so it all works out. This works out perfectly! The universe has spoken."

Oh, was all I could say. Fine, I muttered, before walking away with my tail tucked between my legs. My brother made a great point. Obviously Jay likes me. He was willing to drive 2.5 hours to see me this weekend, and also every weekend that he's come up since October!

Why couldn't I see that earlier? Why did I only see the glass half-empty, the bottle ready to be discarded? Ahem, I am this metaphorical bottle. Why did I have to analyze everything so that the outcome is always that he is done with me?

The logical part of me believes that we all create narratives in our head that function like blueprints. My blueprint is always the same. It's being left, being abandoned, being left in the dust before I even realize its over.

Must I replay this blueprint time and time again?

In some ways, I know the answer is yes and it is the right answer. I've been left before. I've been abandoned before. I've been left in the dust, billowing and waiting for years before realizing he has long gone. I will never be that gullible again. I never want to be such a fool again. I will never be so unprepared about being walked out on and experiencing the shock that is pain. My blueprint serves a function and an acquired survival skill that I learned the very very hard way. While it may not always be healthy, I've had to learn to put up my guard to read between the lines.

Confrontation

I actually ran-into B. in the parking lot today.  I choose to believe it was an accidental encounter, although I wouldn't be that surprised if he had planned it.

I stood in shock and exasperation as he started laughing and saying what a coincidence it was. He laughed for a long time. As he laughed and commented on seeing my car and also parking 2 spaces away from my car, I looked up at the sky and said to myself, "ugh, I must be cursed." When I asked what he wanted from me, he said it was a coincidental run-in and completely unplanned. He asserted that he didn't even call me! And then he laughed some more. I coldly told him to "keep it that way" and started shuffling my feet to prepare to leave. In seconds, he was within arm's reach attempting to give me a huge hug.  I quickly jumped back and stuck my hand out to maintain the distance between us. As seriously I could, I enunciated every word: "Do. not. touch. me. " He laughed as though I said a joke and he looked confused. True to my understanding of him, he acted like we were long-lost friends and asked me how I'm doing. He didn't take "fine" for an answer. He kept asking me, "really? really?" as though I couldn't possibly be fine.  When I asked him what he wanted from me, he repeated that he wanted nothing because we were actually running into each other by accident in the parking lot. Our encounter probably lasted less than 2 minutes but it felt like much longer. I know that within that time, he tried again to hug me.  And again, I moved quickly and asserted that I did not want him even near me, much less touch me. I don't remember what happened in the end, just that I said goodbye and left.  I know he kept talking.  I know he said things like "take care" or blah blah blah but I couldn't bother to listen.  I just needed out, away. I just wanted him to be far far away.  As I walked and heard his voice in the distance, I felt scared but also liberated. This is it, right?  This has to be the last encounter, right? I'm making it crystal clear, aren't I? He won't follow me because he's finally getting it, right?

For some reason, I don't think I'm in the clear yet. I still have 1 more day before he supposedly leaves my state/city/workplace. At any given time, I fear he will show up. I fear he will corner me. I fear he will touch me and impose himself on me. When I think about what I'm most scared of, I think about that feeling of being trapped, stuck, dirty, and helpless. After our encounter today, I also realize that I fear exactly what I feel now: empathy, pity, and even guilt.

Following our confrontation, I had meeting-after-meeting-after meeting. I had such a headache that I took the afternoon off and returned home for a nap. I was just so tired. So frickin' tired and so avoidant of my feelings. I've spent the entire afternoon wondering if I was too mean. Wondering if I hurt his feelings. Wondering if he feels ambushed by my coldness and if I was uncharacteristically cruel.

The logical side of me knows I had to be clear, consistent, and cold. I want nothing to do with him, and every inch I give him will become part of what he takes from me.  B. does not take no for answer. He can smell weakness and he knows how to take advantage of when a woman softens. Being the professional womanizer that he is, I know that being cruel is the only way for this to work. But in my heart-of-hearts, I also hate that I've had to change myself to respond to somoene. I hate having to be so out-of-character, so angry, so hurt, so sad, and so weak that I have to be mean instead of be peaceful from within.

Today, I am far from feeling peaceful. I feel disappointed, sad, and a little hopeless. I feel like all these weeks and even month(s) of growth were pointless.  I don't even know if I ever moved forward.  I feel enveloped in sadness and I am feeling so vividly, that angst I felt when I was with him.  It is a mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, guilt, all mixed together and sapping every little bit of my identity and motivation. I am in it, once again.  I feel like I am drowning once again.  I just want to crawl into my covers once again.

Family of Origin Issues

Stability. I've always lived without it. I always thought that when I meet the love of my life, then I'll have it.   I imagined that once I'm in a relationship, he (whoever he is) will give me that much-needed stability I've been craving in my life.

They say dogs need rules, boundaries, and limitations.  When pet-owners are inconsistent in their disciplining or in their training or even in their energies, dogs can sense the instability, and they will act-out.  I've actually heard that humans are the only species that follow unstable pack leaders.  Unlike us, animals can sense strength (or lackthereof) in one another; and they will choose to follow only that one who provides stability and security.

In my family-of-origin life, I have never had stability.  In fact, I just had a very intimate talk with my mom about relationships, love, sex, and womanhood (another entry will definitely need to be written about that), and it turns out that she's never experienced stability either.  If I can trace my insecurities and fears to the original point, I know that my fears come from my mom leaving me. I lived in fear mostly my whole life-- terrified that my mom would leave me and I would be stuck with my dad.  My relationship with my dad has improved significantly over the past few years.  On the surface, we are a happy, close-knit family, and in many ways, we are now.  Kind of.  But my childhood years were more overtly unhappy, and consistently unpredictable and fear-provoking.  I have attributed that mostly to my mom's constant threats of divorce and taking my brother with her. I lived in perpetual fear that she would have abandoned me and left me with my dad.

In my talk with my mom tonight, she talked about her experience as a victim rather than the person who was always with the power of leaving. She talked about her experience of being a woman in an emotionally-unfulfilling marriage. She talked about losing her sense of self in her marriage and the sacrifices she has made since the beginning. She sacrificed herself in a marriage that even at the beginning, she knew wouldn't be good. But she believed that she loved him "more", so she decided to suffer and to go through with it.

Suffer.  What a stupid, stupid word.  Why did we ever decide to glorify that word as though it were badge of honor?  In some cultures, and I'll talk specifically about the culture of traditional women as well as some East Asian cultures and some religious cultures, suffering is considered to be a virtue, and one that will give you extra credit in your next life.  The mentality is that suffering will lead to better outcomes later, either for yourself or for someone else important to you.

The more I learn about suffering, the more I see its deleterious effects.  My mom married someone that was incompatible with her.  She felt suffocated from the irreconciliable differences but decided to "suffer"-- all the while vowing to divorce my dad one day so that she could leave one day and live her life her way.  And while she thinks she's done something noble -- whether it's for my brother and I, or for the sanctity of marriage-- her suffering has made her a victim.  And by default, it has affected the whole family too.  I am completely messed up because of our family dynamic, and my brother surely is affected too.

Because of this suffering, because of this marriage, I have always felt stuck in the middle between everyone, always mediating everyone's fights, always trying to keep things as calm as possible in the fear that this family will be broken apart.  I lived in fear my entire life, scared that my mom would leave, and that my family will be ripped to pieces.  I felt even more scared for me, thinking my mom would leave me with my dad, and that I would never see her or my brother again.  I lived in fear of my dad for so many reasons.  The most basic ones because that he is just so different from all of us: his beliefs, his way of doing things, his values, etc. etc.

As I have grown older, I continue to be in relationships that are unstable and unpredictable.  I stay with men who don't love me (but I can't let go of because they're like my dad and I feel guilty wanting to leave him too).  In those same romantic relationships, I fear that I will be left because I have grown up being so scared about being abandoned by the one adult who was nurtured me.  I felt she was my life raft in a deadly waterfall and I gripped onto her for dear life.  It's different now that I'm an adult. As a parentified child who mediates my parents' fights (as well as their triangle disputes with my brother), I grow more and more protective of each of them.  I am now concerned for them, and it's not just based on me losing my family.  I feel like I need to take care of them, watch out for them, and be there for them. I fear for my dad that my mom will leave him one day.  I fear for my mom what she would do if she were to ever leave.  She does not have her own career or her income.  She also has lost her identity in her marriage and in our family. As I talked with my mom tonight, she told me about the emotional emptiness she's experienced even when she got married.  She talked about putting all her love, energy, attention, focus on the family.  She talked about how she put every bit of herself into me and my brother and that we are her everything.  Should my parents ever separate someday, even in their older age, what would that mean for my brother and me? How do we juggle taking care of both parents when they have done everything for us but are not able to co-exist together? How do you repay someone who dedicated her life entirely to you because she was so devoid of what she needed in her marriage?

My parents currently live apart right now for business reasons.  My dad is abroad because his work requires him to be.  When he retires one day, my mom and dad will likely reunite and live together again.  What will that be like, we all wonder? My mom dreads the day that happens which I hadn't known.  Apparently she doesn't want to even think of that day, and she does not know what the future holds for her and my dad.  What does that mean, I asked?  To which my mom responded with an answer I subconsciously knew.  It all depends on the kids-- meaning me and my brother.  Because my mom gave everything to this family, she will depend entirely on us.  My mom's identity is rooted in us. Her livelihood rests in us. Her future depends on us. I already knew that before she even said it.  I know that if she ever chooses to leave one day, she will rely on us 110% to give her a sense of stability, identity, and belongingness.

You see, when we were in high school, my brother and I would take-turns going out and staying home. We lived with just my mom and it felt selfish to leave her home alone when she would never do that to us. As an adult, because I have moved far away now, I don't actually have to face this all the time, but my brother does.  I know he feels guilty when he goes out.  For someone in his mid 20s, going out feels wrong because I'm sure he doesn't want to abandon my mom to leave her alone at home.  My brother and I both have a strong sense of responsibility for my mom.  We both know what it's like to feel unstable, and we both fear that she will feel unstable if we weren't home.  And because I'm a little closer to my dad, I worry for my dad too. I wonder if he feels alone and what would happen should my mom ever leave him. What will become of him and his identity? He works so hard for us, for the family.  What would losing her do to him?

As for my own issues in relationships I am slowly recognizing that my break-ups hit me hard because they always signify the end of my hope for stability.  My original family doesn't have much stability, so I anticipated my future family to give me that.  I projected all of my hopes and expectations onto my partner. I lost my identity in each relationship so that I could just blend in, adapt, and be accepted into whatever life my partner has. No wonder my relationships implode. If I were already married, I expect my life would be like my mom's.  I would have no identity. I would be emotionally lonely and alone. I would have to invest myself in something else to compensate for the absence of emotional connection, the lack of stability once again.

I firmly believe now and today that suffering is unnecessary, and even worse, detrimental to yourself and your future generations.  Is it my fault that I've tried so hard to keep my parents together over the years? Do I contribute to the dysfunction that affects my family collectively but also individually?  Throughout my life, there has been nothing more scary than the thought of my family breaking up.  As I reflect on this idea more rationally and in a less-detached manner, however, I can't help but wonder... what if they had divorced one another and gone on to find better partners for themselves? What if a divorce meant they would be happier? More fulfilled with their lives? What if separating meant that my mom would live a more meaningful life and she would have a stronger identity outside of her family? My mom invested everything in us because she was so disappointed in her marriage and in her connection with my dad.  What if she had found someone who she could connect with emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Would she be healthier now? Happier? And in turn, would my brother and I have flourished because we were free to leave the house? To explore? If we hadn't felt obligated to babysit or care-take my mom, would we be able to find stronger senses of identities for ourselves?

I suppose this is all speculation.  I'm just wondering now about all the things I've been scared to think about before.  I leave a quote for myself in this entry: "What we do not know always seems to be terrifying. But what we know isn't necessarily better."  I know my parents are together today. I know my mom is unfulfilled, lost, and passively waiting for the next step of her life. I know that my dad does not know how unhappy she is. I know that my brother has not found his identity yet. I know that I keep looking for relationships to give me stability and that I live in constant fear of abandonment and loss. Given all that I know at this point, I am beginning to wonder if what I don't know isn't so terrifying anymore.