Me-time!

It's my first Friday being solo without the company of Jay!

I have a work gig tomorrow that requires all-day attendance, so I knew ahead of time we'd have 2 weeks apart.

I'm not particularly sad or missing him, actually.

Truth be told, I've been a tad excited about the possibility of having Friday night to myself.

Last night was the first Thursday in 6 months that I got to relax and do nothing. I didn't have to clean the house from top-to-bottom in anticipation of his visit. I also wasn't running around doing emergency laundry and packing for a weekend trip.

My agenda for tonight is to take Mr. Z. for a long walk, attend an outdoor festival to see some friends, and then head home for a relaxing night.  I'll need to board Mr. Z. overnight since I'll be out of the house by 7am tomorrow and only returning home late at night.  So, I definitely want to squeeze in some quality time with my sweet sweet dog.

Afterwards, I'll probably sit around and do some work in front of the TV. Yes, even doing some work tonight would be relaxing. The point is, I can just be tonight -- in my own mess-- and without having to cater to anyone else other than myself!

Tonight is me-time!

Finding inspiration

I've returned to scouring the interwebs for cool food blogs.

Specifically, I've been looking for raw, vegan blogs that showcase vivid, colorful, unprocessed food in their natural state. Raw zucchini lasagnas, eggplant towers, homemade sushi...

Picture after picture, I have felt inspired and rejuvenated to return to my previous lifestyle of eating clean. I can do it!

"Ask and you shall receive"

In the last few weeks, I've begun asking for more from Jay-- not materially, but emotionally.
I've been taking more risks with my heart, and hoping he will be able to accept me-- emotionally.
I've started to tell him things that I feel. 
For example, when he asks about my day, I have begun to provide more details rather than a cursory overview.

I'm also less scared of boring him. 
Slowly, I've been sharing with him, my hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
I've told him about foods I want to cook, dishes that I want to make, and in these ways, I'm letting him see a glimpse into my future plans.

I've also been sharing with him my negative feelings, like disappointment and frustration. 
I've been homesick these last two weeks and missing my family, immensely. For the first time ever, I told him last night how stressed I feel, and how overwhelming the semester currently feels for me.

All of these disclosures may seem like minor details to share, but they feel significant to me. What's even more surprising has been that the more I share with Jay, the more I've been able to receive.

"I miss you. Can we skype?"
"Of course!"

"I love you."
"I love you too."

"Please text me when you get there so I know you're safe, OK?"
"OK. I promise. I will."

"I'd love to throw Mr. Z a birthday party. Are you free next weekend to spend it with us?"
"Of course I would! What does Mr. Z. want as a gift?" 

I've asked and I've received.
This must be what a good relationship is all about.
It definitely lives up to the hype.

One-way relationships

Earlier tonight, I called Jay to say hi. He had just hung up the phone with his mom, and said that she inquired whether I liked them because they really liked me! They hoped I felt the same way because they wanted to leave a positive impression on me!

I was so happy to hear that his parents loved me; and very surprised that they cared about my feelings. 

You see, in my culture, there's no such thing as older generations caring for the opinions of younger generations.  My parents' generation would never inquire whether their children's prospective partners liked them.  No way.  The evaluation is a one-way street, a top-down approach marked by seniority, respect, power, and generation status.  Never in a million years would my parents ask me what Jay thinks about them.  It's not personal, of course.
They're not against Jay nor do they dislike him. However, they would never care to ask what Jay thinks of them because it has no bearing on anything. All that matters is their opinion, end of story.

This cultural difference between our families has me reflecting on my relationships. Especially with older men in the past, I've submitted myself to them with great deference. From a cultural standpoint, I am a younger, Asian woman who despite identifying as a feminist, also subscribes to traditional gender roles at times.  I enjoy that feeling of taking care of my man. I feel a great sense of pride cooking for him, helping him make decisions about domestic issues (e.g., what shirt to get), and being responsible for his health and well-being.  I value my female identity, my nurturer identity, and my womanhood. I get way more satisfaction out of that than than my career identity. Note: Some may discredit me altogether at this point.  But it's who I am, and I get to make that choice. For that reason alone, I still see myself as a feminist.

When matched with the wrong person, such as in relationships when I've been taken advantaged of, my deference toward my male partner, often my older partner (my supposedly-wiser partner), my cultural identity becomes abused. I focus entirely on what he wants, what he thinks, what he likes, and I completely forget that I even have needs. It becomes a one-way relationship focused solely on the other party's perspective rather than balancing the desires of two people in the relationship.

I've mentioned before that I hate the term "co-dependency," "love addition," or whatever word that assumes full responsibility on the individual. Hearing Jay talk about his parents today confirmed that much of my beliefs have also been culturally-based, and not entirely about me being pathological.

My deference is cultural, as is my submissiveness, gender role adherence, and focus on pleasing the other person.  If I can see myself from a cultural perspective, I can also see strength, resilience, and opportunities to experiment in different cultural contexts.

Wow! How empowering that is, and how liberating.  Having had this experience with Jay and his family, I am learning, experientially, and in-the-moment, that I also have a voice and opinion. My perspective also matters! I get to have a say in the relationship as well.

It's so refreshing to know that I matter, my thoughts, opinions, and voice matters, and that people want to hear them. 

I have a voice that can be heard.
I have an opinion that can be spoken.
I have thoughts that are genuinely interesting to others.
My perspective is valued.
I am valued.
And in turn, I am worthy.

When you stop waiting around...

There's a saying: "a watched pot never boils."

This idiom refers to time feeling longer when waiting for something to happen.

In my case, it's me staring at my phone. Waiting for a text. Waiting specifically for Jay to text. 

That is how I've spent the last 5 days and my days have felt eternally long-- in a bad way. Today, I decided no more of this waiting around! I'm a busy girl with busy things to do! So I've been re-focusing myself to get my work done. In fact, I just went to a meeting (without my phone) and when I returned, I see a text from you-know-who:

"Jay: I get to see you tomorrow!"

Relief. Swoon. Relief.

I prefer this kind of pendulum swing MUCH more.

Taking risks

Remember when I tried to start the "I am love-able challenge" but failed? I made a grand total of 2 entries and then stopped.  All my posts thereafter were insecurity- and anxiety- filled. BUT instead of seeing that as a failure, I hereby revise the challenge! Who said my challenge had to be daily? I will simply celebrate spontaneously and as good things emerge!

Take for instance, last night.

After so many days and nights of insecurities, I decided to take initiative and be proactive. 

I reached out to Jay and asked how he was doing. I asked if he wanted to skype. Later that night, I double-checked again to see if he was still up for our videochat.

What was especially unique about yesterday was learning that Jay threw his back out when working with animals in the morning. My immediate reaction was to step-back and sacrifice my needs. In the past, I would have thought "oh, forget it. I won't ask if he still wants to talk. He probably needs rest and recuperation. I don't want to get in the way."  Meanwhile, as the day would progress, I would feel sadder and sadder, having given up my needs and wishing he would reach out to me. I'd feel sad that he isn't saying, "let's still talk! I miss you!" I'd definitely interpret that as some sort of "he doesn't like me as much as I like him."

My pattern, I think is this: I'd offer him space, and when he takes it, I'll see it as rejecting me. I'll feel unwanted and my needs (i.e., missing him, wanting to see him or at least talk to him) will be suppressed. I'll feel like I'm sacrificing myself and over time, I'd be feel anxiety-ridden and resentful.

As I've come to be more aware of my own interpersonal style, I decided to break the pattern! So yesterday, I took the risk of putting-out my needs and asking if they can be met. He said "of course!" and we had a great skype-chat where much of my insecurity was abated. How did my anxiety decrease?

• His face makes me happy
• He made references to this weekend and spending time together
• He expressed interest in joining my friends and I later this week for a celebration
• He asked me how I was doing
• He made the appropriate disappointing sounds when I told him crummy things about my day
• He joked about my body and his appreciation for "feeling it" because I've been "feeling" sore from working out lately.
• At the end of our chat, he ended it with: I'll talk to you tomorrow?

It's pretty lame that each of these bullet-points are pieces of evidence for me, so I can be sure that he continues to like me and not want to leave me. It's pathetic, I know. But that's where I am, now, and I can tolerate that.  I certainly don't love this part of me, but I'll accept it for now. 

Ah, self-compassion. Another positive!

Having needs vs. being needy

Jeremy Grey: I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.

(Quote from one of my favorite movies: Wedding Crashers) 

I called my therapist this week and cried. We haven't spoken in 6 months, and without taking time to catch-up, I told her about Jay and the anxiety that is eating me alive. She reminded me to think about asking questions as addressing my needs versus being clingy or needy.  Last year around this time, she had caught me using those words to describe myself-- and we talked about my fear of appearing clingy or needy in a relationship. She said that in a span of 5 minutes, she counted me saying those words 4 times to describe myself!

I am fearful of having conversations with Jay about what I want need.  Asking for something from him feels needy.  I imagine that other people don't need or want as much as I do.  I envision seeing myself from a third-party perspective and I feel embarrassed of what I see. I am demanding, overwhelming, and asking for so much. Probably too much. I fear that he will think that I am too much and then he will leave. So I shut my mouth and stuff my questions inside, saved for when I am alone.

My wonderful therapist reminded me that I have always been curious and needed answers-- not only in romantic relationships-- but throughout my life.  In childhood, when I wondered about my parents' marriage under the threat of divorce, I had a million questions then:

• Who will I live with if you separate? 
• Will I ever see mom again? 
• Will I ever see my brother again?
• Am I going to survive living with dad?
• Can I survive with you?
• What am I supposed to do?
• How am I supposed to make the situation better?
• Should I act tough even though I'm terrified?
• I am so scared, can someone please explain what is happening to me.

Decades later, I still have these questions, although they are now in adult relationships and the anxiety is even more intense.

Outside of relationships, I also have a similar pattern when it comes to learning. I have curiosity and questions that need to be answered before I can move forward in work, school, etc. Back in 3rd grade, I had to complete an entire page of fractions during one class session. At the time, I was still confused about fractions and wanted to solve 1-2 problems to ensure their accuracy before moving forward with the rest of the worksheet. However, my teacher forbade us from making any noise or disturbance. We had to sit silently and fill-out all those questions at once. I could not do it.  I could not finish that worksheet because of my insecurity that I didn't know how to solve fractions. I feared everything would be incorrect if I just did them my way without checking the answer first. So, I ended up pretending to need kleenex and walking around the classroom to see how my friends were responding.  My teacher "caught" me walking and I got in major trouble. And yes, she was shitty teacher.

Today, this pattern remains and is how I operate. I need to see how something is done before I do it. I need to hear it, then observe it, and finally, I can do it myself. I need all my questions answered. After which, I flourish via scaffolding, assurance, building-up small dosages of confidence and self-efficacy. Once I have that system in place, I can hit the ground running and do 10X more than other people. My productivity is unbeatable once I'm assured of what I'm doing. Without that initial foundation, however, I am insecure, confused. I am a... child. Wow, I hadn't realized that until I wrote it out.  I feel lost, unsure, dubious of myself and what I should be doing. Much like how I feel now, which I suppose makes me regress to being... a child.

So,  I guess those same questions I asked when I was a kid? Those are the exact same fears in my adult romantic relationships now.


(photo courtesy: ever upward)

My anxiety is eating me alive.

Yup, just read the heading: my anxiety is eating me alive.

I decided last Friday (at the last minute), that I wouldn't drive down to see Jay. It was a difficult decision to make, but my body expressed sheer exhaustion, thus forcing me to be true to what I really needed.  He was actually perfectly OK with my decision and still excited that I'd be coming the following weekend. Whew.

With the weekend devoted to myself, I did a lot of self-care. I slept early, prepared groceries and cooked for the week, spent much-needed time with friends, and basically regained my pre-boyfriend social lifestyle.  It was great. AND I missed him immensely.

I've been missing him a lot, and it saddens, angers, and frightens me. Being attached to someone is terrifying because the outcomes of past experiences have been so devastating. So far, I've kept my guard up with Jay. He hasn't seen my insecurities. He has yet to see me cry.  It makes honest conversations very difficult to have because I can't imagine talking about the future without revealing both of those dirty parts of me.  Yes, I said it. Logically, it makes no sense. But emotionally, I feel ashamed to have so much anxiety and fear about our relationship, and about any romantic relationship in general.

So, for the last 5 days or so, I've been immersed in insecurity. I wonder if he continues to like me. I fear he has lost his feelings for me or gotten used to my presence. I'm scared he's planning a future without me.  It's so rare to feel so powerless because unlike other times, I'm not the one leaving; I have no control over the outcome or process. 


Funnily enough, I also realize that part of my anxiety is not knowing what my future holds based on what I want. Do I want to stay in this rural community? Do I want to return to the big city? Could I be happy here, and would my decision to stay-put have to do with Jay, entirely?  Those big questions also circle me and the anxiety is overwhelming.

How much of this anxiety is about my decision to make?

And how much of this anxiety is about his decisions and its impact on me?




(link to everyday feminism's: how to have a healthy long distance relationship)

Self-love

My recent posts are a good reminder of why I started this blog. Without any love for myself, I am merely a hollow shell waiting to be filled.

My identity, my confidence, my sense-concept is entirely defined by the other person. Whoever that paramour is, his perception of me is what shapes who I am.

My mind operates like this:
When I don't hear from him, I feel like I have no value.
When I think he likes something about me, I amplify that part of me ten-fold because it's what he wants.
In-between those times, when there is self-doubt, I critique all aspects of me and wonder which part is unlovable and deserving of being abandoned.

If I were a jar, I would be just sitting there. Passively waiting to be filled, hopeful for fleeting feelings of "bliss" and "in love" and "happy."  Once I reach cloud 9, however, downhill spiral begins. I am mired in anxiety, anticipating emptiness.


I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety because I don't exist until someone comes along to validate parts of me. Only then, can I birth my existence. There is no self-love here. There is not even a sense of "self" in the picture.

Well, I can't live like that anymore. I can't be in relationships like that anymore. This time, it's not the other person that is unhealthy, it's me. I can't be in such an unhealthy relationship with myself anymore.

Much of the time I wrote in this blog, I've been single and actively self-reflecting. Throughout the course of maintaining these journal entries, I grew to be at my healthiest: physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. But I was single and that was a large part of my success. Being single means I was 100% committed to having a healthy relationship with me.

In a relationship with someone else? That changes my entire relationship with myself, so this is my new journey for the year.

As a belated new year's resolution, I challenge myself to have simultaneously healthy relationships with my beau and with me. I will strive to not lose parts of myself along the way. I will aspire not to give-up on myself at the outset.

I created this blog for the simple reason of having a better relationship with myself. This is what I have been working toward all these years and it all has to do with cultivating love for me.

Self-love: I'm coming for ya.

Why write about Paleo?

Just a quick note about me going paleo...

I feel vulnerable.

I'm just saying out loud so I can battle my fears.

I feel vulnerable sharing (with the world) that I am attempting a diet and trying to eat healthy.  I feel naked and exposed and fearful about failing and being witnessed to fail.  This is where chubbiness has its perks. If I act like I don't care about eating healthy, then no one will expect me to look healthy/fit.  But if I set a goal like going paleo (which is a HUGE deal), then there will be expectations..... and consequently disappointments.

I don't want to disappoint anyone.  I don't want to disappoint you, you, you.... or myself.  Because if I feel like I disappoint someone or anyone, I will feel ashamed.  And I do not want to feel ashamed.

Soo... the reason this paleo diet is relevant to my empowerment is that this is new for me. And potentially liberating.  Presently, it is terrifying.  I'm baring something new for me.  And I'm a little scared, a little hopeful, and a lot anxious.  I hope no one will point-a-finger at me if/when I fail to say, "but you said you were going to do ______, and you didn't. You failed.").  I don't want anyone to feel like I'm a failure, because as it is, I WILL feel like I've failed when I don't see results.

Nevertheless, I'm determined to do something new to be healthier.  I want to push myself to be physically healthier and to also be mentally healthier and more positive about me. I want to try risk-taking and sharing my flaws, my limitations, and my areas for growth. I really want to be empowered by this process.

Diamond shopping

As the semester is winding down, I decided to pamper myself by going window-shopping this afternoon and even picking up some fun things I've wanted for myself. I was thinking of getting some candles and a few shirts, and maybe a few other small things.  As I entered the mall, however, I found myself walking towards a jewelry store.  I was even more surprised at myself when I said stopped to look at some earrings and found myself saying aloud to a sales clerk that I'm thinking of treating myself.  What?!   Was I really planning on doing that this trip? What am I doing?!

In the end, I didn't buy anything for myself.  I couldn't justify a reason for blowing my rent money on a pair of diamond earrings that I never even imagined purchasing in the first place.  But this jewelry thing does have meaning for me.  Never in my life have I ever wanted or asked for jewelry.  I'm simply not that interested in baubles, and the only thing I ever envisioned is a wedding ring from the man of my dreams.  Other than that single essential and meaningful item, I don't desire anything else.  I'm content with cubic zirconian earrings and I generally dislike necklaces and bracelets and any other rings. For me, it's been the engagement ring and the meaning behind that one piece of item from that one special person.

But a few months ago, I remember thinking about jewelry as a form of self-empowerment. Around the time that I started this blog, I remember wanting to buy myself something.  I thought to myself, why wait for someone to buy things for me?  Why is it that when I think of jewelry, I generally think of getting from a man.  Why is it that my happiness depends on a man? Why am I so passive that I can't be self-sufficient and rely on myself and celebrate myself?  So, about 6 months ago, I promised to buy myself something that I would normally want a romantic partner to buy me.  I probably gave up all hope on B. and was ready to be with me and only me.  I was preparing myself for loneliness and forced independence and wanting to make it strength-based and meaningful.  Of course, I would never buy myself an engagement ring... but I can myself the next best thing!  I decided then that someday, I would buy myself a nice bauble to celebrate me!  I would choose some piece of jewelry to honor my relationship with me.

I mean, think about it! Regardless of how long my husband and I are together, I will never be in a relationship with him that is longer than my relationship with me.  I am with myself the longest.  So why don't I celebrate that relationship with me?  Why not have anniversaries or some other form of commemoration for me and with me?

In theory, it sounds so empowering and so exciting.  But as I looked at diamond after diamond, it got to be too overwhelming and surreal.  I got exasperated looking at so many small things with so many big numbers attached to them. In truth, I'd much rather enjoy a nice meal that I can experience-- sensually!  So, I left my contact information and left the store. Perhaps I'll go back in a few months.  Perhaps a few years.  Who knows. I still want to celebrate me, but... I don't know if I'm ready for diamonds yet.

Falling out of love

My closest friend in the world, Ana, called me today for our regular chat/update.  She told me about her co-worker being dumped by her boyfriend of 5 years.  The boyfriend had told her that he had fell-out-of-love with her and that he wanted to end the relationship. The breakup happened over the weekend on Saturday, and even though it is now Tuesday, her co-worker continues to be in disbelief and will call him to say, "Honey, when are we going to pick out the Christmas tree together?"  What's worse is that it is the holiday season and they are supposed to spend Christmas together with her family. During the break-up, she had asked him how recent his feelings had changed, and he said that he knew it was over before Thanksgiving!  She was in disbelief because they had gone to visit his family over Turkey day and he had acted like nothing was wrong. Things were like they had always been.

Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city.  After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week.  He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him.  He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.

Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it.  Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me.  I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again.  It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.

Did Robert do that to me?  And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?

While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart.  Such good advice right?  It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.

As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:

Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead.  He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.

Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back.  Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone.  He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me.  It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile.  But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future.  He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt.  But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.

I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.

It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.

I've been in denial for 7 years!