Self-love

My recent posts are a good reminder of why I started this blog. Without any love for myself, I am merely a hollow shell waiting to be filled.

My identity, my confidence, my sense-concept is entirely defined by the other person. Whoever that paramour is, his perception of me is what shapes who I am.

My mind operates like this:
When I don't hear from him, I feel like I have no value.
When I think he likes something about me, I amplify that part of me ten-fold because it's what he wants.
In-between those times, when there is self-doubt, I critique all aspects of me and wonder which part is unlovable and deserving of being abandoned.

If I were a jar, I would be just sitting there. Passively waiting to be filled, hopeful for fleeting feelings of "bliss" and "in love" and "happy."  Once I reach cloud 9, however, downhill spiral begins. I am mired in anxiety, anticipating emptiness.


I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety because I don't exist until someone comes along to validate parts of me. Only then, can I birth my existence. There is no self-love here. There is not even a sense of "self" in the picture.

Well, I can't live like that anymore. I can't be in relationships like that anymore. This time, it's not the other person that is unhealthy, it's me. I can't be in such an unhealthy relationship with myself anymore.

Much of the time I wrote in this blog, I've been single and actively self-reflecting. Throughout the course of maintaining these journal entries, I grew to be at my healthiest: physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. But I was single and that was a large part of my success. Being single means I was 100% committed to having a healthy relationship with me.

In a relationship with someone else? That changes my entire relationship with myself, so this is my new journey for the year.

As a belated new year's resolution, I challenge myself to have simultaneously healthy relationships with my beau and with me. I will strive to not lose parts of myself along the way. I will aspire not to give-up on myself at the outset.

I created this blog for the simple reason of having a better relationship with myself. This is what I have been working toward all these years and it all has to do with cultivating love for me.

Self-love: I'm coming for ya.

Going "crazy"

So, I woke up this morning and came across  this article written by a male feminist about emotional manipulation. His article is entitled: "A message to women from a man: You are not 'crazy'" from the Huffington post.  Read and let me know what you think!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

In his writing, he touches on the effects of "gaslighting" on women's self-concept, self-efficacy, and self-esteem. I've since re-posted his article because I can think of so many women (and also men) who can benefit from this reading.  It applies to people who have lost their voices and their sense of selves after being (passively) attacked for so long. It applies to those who have been hurt by this as well as those who intentionally or unintentionally tear apart others using denouncing words thinly veiled in a joking and dismissive manner.

Reading this article makes me realize that it isn't just HOW you say it, it's WHAT you say that causes significant, irreparable damage. People learn to coat their words in light and airy tones in an attempt to soften the blow and deflect the responsibility of using words as swords and daggers. Nevertheless, the words they use are swords and daggers, and the more they say it, the more damage they create in a person's sense of self and his/her subjective sense of reality.

Someone has since commented on this author's post to ask, "So how are we supposed to respond? What is a strong, assertive, and healthy way to respond?" By no means am I the author, but I would say that it's not WHAT you respond with, it's HOW you feel afterwards.  When someone tells you in so many different ways that your reality is untrue, that your feelings aren't legitimate, that your actions are not good enough-- you begin to internalize their words and their reality.  You begin to lose trust in your instincts and your sense of the world. That is the long-term damage that spans way beyond one or two conversations or even providing a retort to the other person.

My greatest loss has been losing trust in myself: my judgment, my feelings, my responses to situations, my perception of the world, my values, and beliefs.... basically all of the things that make me who I am.  I began to question the legitimacy of all these things, and I began to believe that my responses are not worthy or even appropriate.  After being cheated on so many times in one relationship, I began to wonder if my hurt and my cries were appropriate responses.  Because B. was so nonchalant every time, I wondered if something was wrong with me.  I questioned if I was making a big deal out of nothing and if he was the person that was norma, rational, logical, and clear-headed.  I questioned if my internal experiences were out-of-whack, and I began to re-assess my entire value system about cheating and morality.  At some point, I wondered if cheating should be acceptable because it was clearly OK with him. Meanwhile, he was acting like I was crazy for thinking and feeling so dramatically and differently. My process of figuring out what was happening internally is the consequence of such "gaslighting".  The wonderment, the confusion, the self-doubt... those are the long-term damages already taking place. Of course, whenever I attempted to explain or express what I was feeling in an attempt to get some validation about my experience, I would fail utterly and miserably because he would maintain he is right and that I am reacting too strongly.  Thus, that process of negotiating with him further confirmed that something was "wrong with me" and that my reactions were not only completely inappropriate but also embarrassing and overly dramatic. In time, I stopped expressing and I tried to stop feeling altogether.  I stopped thinking, I stopped analyzing, I simply tried to stop existing as me.  I completely denied all that I was, all that I believed in, all that I felt, and I lost me.  I lost me, entirely.