Silence = rejection?

Whenever I don't hear from someone, I envision they are actively trying to cut me out of their lives.
OR
That might seem too narcissistic, so sometimes I imagine that they don't think of me at all. You know the saying: "out of sight, out of mind."

Both scenarios SUCK because I am either a nuisance or too marginal to be considered. In short, silence frightens me because the list of options are exactly that:

1. You are actively and purposefully ignoring of me.
2. You easily forgot about me and can't be bothered to remember that I exist.

Both scenarios have happened with the same person: my first love! So, it's really not an unrealistic fear because they've both been my reality.

Today, I didn't hear much from Jay and I assumed the same. I thought to myself, "OK. He's seen you in every possible setting and is officially sick of you."

I envisioned him picking up his phone, looking at a text I sent, and then choosing to ignore it and do something else instead. That is scenario 1.

Scenario 2 is him being busy-- so busy that he hasn't looked at his phone all day and doesn't even think to do it because in his mind, it doesn't matter if I'm trying to contact him. He hasn't thought of me, so he's not  concerned about being in touch at all.

I was sad thinking about both scenarios but I plowed forward to do my work, cook dinner, and hang out with Mr. Z.

Around midnight, Jay texted to say he's been working all night. He then called to ask how my day's been, and then told me all about his busy busy day. He told me what he's planning for the rest of the week, he told me little details of today, like what he's eaten and what he fantasizes eating. He also told me he broke a spoke on his bicycle wheel (What's a spoke?) and then shared a funny story about a party that happened a few years ago with his professors and one of his colleagues.

As he shared these random tidbits, my heart calmed. My spirit slowly landed back on the ground. My sadness and anxiety slowly dissipated, and instead, laughter and warmth filled my soul. I thought to myself, "oh, I'm not invisible and I do matter to him."

Little by little, Jay has been fixing my dysfunctional, unhealthy, anxiety-ridden heart and giving me corrective experiences so that I am a little less broken than before.

With his phone call tonight, he showed me that he can be busy and still want me. There can be silence but it doesn't necessarily mean he is ignoring me or forgetting me. Apparently, silence isn't always a sign of rejection or abandonment. It doesn't always foreshadow impending loss and pain. Silence isn't always permanent.

He's seen all of me

I had quite a significant weekend with Jay.

On Friday, he arrived in the late afternoon to join me for a bowling event, where he met my colleagues and trainees. It's the first time my romantic life has ever intersected with work.  Afterwards, students came up to me and expressed their surprise at my personal life, because they didn't know I had a partner! Later, we went to a buffet with my friend Gina and stuffed ourselves until we could eat no more! We rounded out the night with some grocery shopping in preparation for Saturday's party, and then headed home to go to bed!  We were pooped!

On Saturday morning-- I snuck out of bed early and began making peanut butter doggy cookies for Mr. Z. Today was the big day! Mr. Z. was having his 5-year-birthday-party and I had invited 10 of my friends along with 5 of their dogs!  When Jay stumbled into the kitchen sleepily, I roped him into helping me! For the next 4 hours, we rolled out homemade dough int 120+ cookies shaped like gingerbread dolls, stars, clovers, and hearts. Afterwards, I got started on making Mr. Z.'s cake while Jay channel surfed until he found a twilight marathon. Yes, that was exactly how we spent the rest of the weekend-- we watched the twilight marathon session!

At some point, I made us leave the house in a hurry to pick up last-minute groceries before the party. I asked Jay if he wanted to join me in the shower but was rejected. Why? I don't know! It wasn't meant to be a sexual request. I just thought it'd be fun, intimate, and cozy. But he rejected me in the nicest way possible, saying it would mean we would never leave the house, which simply was untrue. I was super disappointed but tried to recover my pride and ego in the shower -- alone. Then we went shopping, buying last-minute but crucial things, like a BBQ grill (haha)! We returned home in time for Jay to piece it all together while I put the finishing touches on the cake. Then he seasoned the meat while I wrapped up goody bags for all the human and doggy guests.

As guests arrived, I got to say hi and entertain while Jay ran in and out of the house, grilling, cutting, making pico de gallo, and basically making all of the food. He was an amazing host who maintained his role behind the scenes even though he basically did it all. I mean, what's my measly hummus compared to his fajitas, hot dogs, and pico de gallo? As he worked hard, I played with babies, greeted my friends and their pets, and did whatever Jay needed when he asked for my assistance.

At one point, 2 of my girlfriends asked me how serious I considered our relationship to be. On a scale of 1-10, what would I rate our relationship?  With some probing, I concluded it was an 8.  Not a 9 because that would seem too serious for a less-than-6-month-relationship; and definitely not a 7 because we've already met each others' parents, for goodness sake! Melanie asked if I think he's THE ONE because she was able to tell in month 3 of dating, that her husband was meant to be. She just knew. "It felt different than the rest" she said. "It just fit" was how she summed it up.

I'd say all of her comments are true in my case.  Jay is special, he feels different from the rest, and we fit just right as well.  

In fact, while we were making cookies that morning, he mentioned something about Cinco de Mayo. I asked him what was happening that day, and he said that a good friend of his generally throws an awesome party each year to celebrate the holiday. Without waiting for him to ask me, I took a risk and disclosed that this day has made me nauseous for the last 4 years because that is the anniversary date of when I caught B. cheating on me.  In response, Jay goes: "Well, I guess this means I have to make this year's cinco de mayo extra special for you, right? If that's the message I'm getting, then guess what? Challenge accepted! I will make this day so awesome that you never have to feel nauseous about it again." I had to hold my breath because I was so moved by what he said. He literally took my breath away.

On Sunday, Jay and I slept almost until noon and then he cooked us brunch using the leftovers from the BBQ the night before. We finished watching the rest of the twilight marathon and laid on the couch the entire day. At some point, we talked about martial arts and I made him teach me how to throw people down! We wrestled for a good while and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. When he finally had to go, I felt this giant hole fill my heart. The void remained all night and the morning after until I finally left home to immerse myself into my work life 16 hours later.

Yes, that was the only was I was able to cope.

Is this normal? Do others have difficulty letting go of their partners when the weekend ends? As Jay was packing up last night, I told him that every time we say goodbye to each other, it feels like reality slapping me in the face because it's the end of vacation time. He agreed but said he had tons of work to do, which I completely understand. In fact, I offered to also drive down to visit him next weekend. I had a moment of panic, actually-- panic that he would say: "I'm too busy next weekend, so I won't be seeing you anymore."  Instead, he said he'll likely come for 2 days instead of 3-- and for some reason that still made me feel nervous, so I rambled on a bit about driving down to him and doing work together.

Sigh. Insecurity, I hate you, please leave me alone.

As Jay grabbed the last of his things and headed out the door, we kissed and I told him to let me know when he gets home. He promised he wouldn't forget and then got in his car and drove off. All my lightheartedness, excitement, fun-ness, and good mood also drove off with him, and I've been missing him ever since.


This weekend was pretty monumental for me. He has now seen every single aspect of me that there is to see: my friends, my work life, my style when it comes to throwing a party, my love for Mr. Z... and he's met my parents. What else is there? He's seen it all and I've got nothing left to hide. I'm officially at my most vulnerable now because he has the upper hand to decide if he wants out of this relationship.

He can now make an informed decision to leave me.

Disappointment

How do you prepare from being disappointed by your partner?

I tentatively asked Jay about his upcoming plans because I have a possible social event happening during the same week he'll have vacation time. He texted back to say he'll be going to his parents' home for the weekend but would love to attend such an event with me.

What a nice response.  How disappointing it was for me.  I felt momentarily devastated that he didn't say: "Come home with me for a few days!"

I'm also confused because I don't get why he would "love to" attend an event with me when he obviously has already made important plans!

I'm utterly disappointed which means I had a lot of hope.  I didn't know I had such hopes!  That's the most surprising part. So now I'm kicking myself for having been this hopeful. What the heck was I thinking?! Did I assume that by meeting his parents, he's now going to want to invite me to his childhood home? (secret answer = yes). While I'm partly mad at him, I'm so mad at myself for having an unrealistic expectation. I couldn't respond to his message, actually. It took me a few hours before I could provide a nonchalant text.

So, it's been hours later and I still feel crestfallen. This is why I should have continued to maintain the distinction between I" from "we" and "he" from "me."  He made plans for his vacation and didn't include me. It's perfectly  fine-- people should be able to make plans without each other, especially to hang out with their families!

I'm just disappointed because my expectations were obviously so different.  How mortifying.

Planning for 2

It's still hard to believe I have a boyfriend/partner.
That is because for me, having a boyfriend means being able to plan for 2.
That's my dictionary definition! Having a boyfriend/partner = being a "we."
Up until now, I have not thought of us as a "we"-- as one entity.

I have made plans solo; and then afterwards, asked if he wanted to join.
I have not assumed his plans include me.
I have worked hard to distinguish him from me; and his from mine.

I've been hurt too many times in the past when I too quickly assumed that there was a "we."
I entered a relationship too excited, overly vulnerable, and then inevitably heartbroken.
I'd want to expose them to everything in my world and to want to know about theirs. Meet my friends, meet my family, get to know me.  Introduce me to your friends, your family, let me get to know you!

I've been emotionally slapped in the face one too many times so that now I take 3 steps, just in case.

Today, I took a risk.
Jay's spring break is coming up and I'm unsure if his plans include me.
I am currently making some plans for during that time and feeling unsure if he or "we" will be doing anything.
I texted him 10 minute ago and have not heard back.
My heart is pounding.
I just jeopardized all that I've done to protect myself and my vulnerability. Ugh.

Hiding my needs

I went to a conference last week and had an impromptu reunion with friends.  We had deep discussions about relationships and I realized how much I continue to hold back parts of myself from my partner.

Take eating, for example.  For the last 2 years or so, I have mostly been eating a non-gluten, low carb diet. It has been called paleo, given it is mostly "cavemen" foods, such as meat, berries, leafy green vegetables, and some fruits. With consistent exercise and a balanced diet, I've lost some weight and gained muscle.  I've been in the best shape of my life and felt leaner, more energized, motivated, and confident.  But enter the dating scene and all of my self-care has gone out the window.

Especially since Jay, I've had zero self-control in my eating habits. In fact, I've been stuffing my face with no restraint.

A little bit about Jay and what he likes: Jay loves eating pizza, especifically thin-crust pepperoni. His comfort food is cheeseburger from fast-food place. Other favorites include biscuits with gravy and fried chicken. With most meals, he generally orders a diet coke. At times, we drive to gas stations where he'll pick up a sports drink and a bar of chocolate (usually a Butterfinger). He has a sweet tooth for all things sugar-y, including sour candies and most definitely chocolates.

Since being with him, I've gained 10 pounds. That means my clothes feel tight, my energy level is low, my body feels out-of-whack, and I generally feel down about physical presentation.

Now, Jay doesn't force me to eat the way he does. But when we talk about options for dining, his preferences are generally his options for me.  In turn, I feel stuck, so I say "whatever you want" and I usually end up eating terribly unhealthy and feeling miserable in my body. He has no idea, of course.

It's my fault for not speaking up. At 11pm the other night, he suggested getting biscuits and gravy from a fast-food drive-through.  I freaked-out in my head because all I wanted an egg so that I could fill-up on lean protein before going to bed. But for fear of disappointing him, I consented to his decision. So, at 1130pm, we ate biscuits, gravy, jam/jelly, and soda. I probably put on 5 pounds just from that meal.

My friend pointed out to me that I can easily have said no and offered to make myself an egg even if he wanted to go to a drive-through. It's OK to have different eating habits, she said, and to assert my needs.

Assert them?
That was when I realized that I don't even voice them!

I hide my voice for fear of what he thinks about the real me!

"Ask and you shall receive"

In the last few weeks, I've begun asking for more from Jay-- not materially, but emotionally.
I've been taking more risks with my heart, and hoping he will be able to accept me-- emotionally.
I've started to tell him things that I feel. 
For example, when he asks about my day, I have begun to provide more details rather than a cursory overview.

I'm also less scared of boring him. 
Slowly, I've been sharing with him, my hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
I've told him about foods I want to cook, dishes that I want to make, and in these ways, I'm letting him see a glimpse into my future plans.

I've also been sharing with him my negative feelings, like disappointment and frustration. 
I've been homesick these last two weeks and missing my family, immensely. For the first time ever, I told him last night how stressed I feel, and how overwhelming the semester currently feels for me.

All of these disclosures may seem like minor details to share, but they feel significant to me. What's even more surprising has been that the more I share with Jay, the more I've been able to receive.

"I miss you. Can we skype?"
"Of course!"

"I love you."
"I love you too."

"Please text me when you get there so I know you're safe, OK?"
"OK. I promise. I will."

"I'd love to throw Mr. Z a birthday party. Are you free next weekend to spend it with us?"
"Of course I would! What does Mr. Z. want as a gift?" 

I've asked and I've received.
This must be what a good relationship is all about.
It definitely lives up to the hype.

Having shared values

I'm heading over to Jay's tonight and in the morning, his parents will be driving into-town. What will this weekend be like? I've been stressing out about the living arrangement ever since last week!

With his parents in-town:

• Should I still sleep over? 
• If so, how would we (all 4 of us) sleep in a 1-bedroom apartment?
• Can I bring Mr. Z again?

Jay had replied yes to my 1st question last weekend, but I've still been confused. Fortunately, I checked-in with him last night to ask about Mr. Z and to ask if I should sleep over on Saturday. His response:

"I think it might be best if we just did Friday night. At least for the first time you meet my parents. Is that OK?"

Um, yes. Absolutely, yes. I'd prefer it that way, actually. The last thing I want is to have his parents think of me as some loose girl who sleeps over easily with boys. How mortifying. Especially in my culture, their perception of me would also reflect on my family as well. That is simply unacceptable if they judge my family by association. Also, I can't imagine all 4 of us (plus Mr. Z) in a small apartment staring at each other throughout the weekend.

Still, I am a teeny disappointed that he doesn't want me to stay the entire weekend. I have mixed feelings of course, but I'm mostly relieved. Without being consumed by anxiety, I also have feelings of gratitude! It's so nice to have shared values with the person you're dating-- especially because this is a fundamental value, right? How to introduce your parents to your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Pandora's box

SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.

So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.

Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life.  Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!

Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend.  Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.

I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade.  DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?

What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?

I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true.  When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me.  It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.

I can't breathe.

Taking risks

Remember when I tried to start the "I am love-able challenge" but failed? I made a grand total of 2 entries and then stopped.  All my posts thereafter were insecurity- and anxiety- filled. BUT instead of seeing that as a failure, I hereby revise the challenge! Who said my challenge had to be daily? I will simply celebrate spontaneously and as good things emerge!

Take for instance, last night.

After so many days and nights of insecurities, I decided to take initiative and be proactive. 

I reached out to Jay and asked how he was doing. I asked if he wanted to skype. Later that night, I double-checked again to see if he was still up for our videochat.

What was especially unique about yesterday was learning that Jay threw his back out when working with animals in the morning. My immediate reaction was to step-back and sacrifice my needs. In the past, I would have thought "oh, forget it. I won't ask if he still wants to talk. He probably needs rest and recuperation. I don't want to get in the way."  Meanwhile, as the day would progress, I would feel sadder and sadder, having given up my needs and wishing he would reach out to me. I'd feel sad that he isn't saying, "let's still talk! I miss you!" I'd definitely interpret that as some sort of "he doesn't like me as much as I like him."

My pattern, I think is this: I'd offer him space, and when he takes it, I'll see it as rejecting me. I'll feel unwanted and my needs (i.e., missing him, wanting to see him or at least talk to him) will be suppressed. I'll feel like I'm sacrificing myself and over time, I'd be feel anxiety-ridden and resentful.

As I've come to be more aware of my own interpersonal style, I decided to break the pattern! So yesterday, I took the risk of putting-out my needs and asking if they can be met. He said "of course!" and we had a great skype-chat where much of my insecurity was abated. How did my anxiety decrease?

• His face makes me happy
• He made references to this weekend and spending time together
• He expressed interest in joining my friends and I later this week for a celebration
• He asked me how I was doing
• He made the appropriate disappointing sounds when I told him crummy things about my day
• He joked about my body and his appreciation for "feeling it" because I've been "feeling" sore from working out lately.
• At the end of our chat, he ended it with: I'll talk to you tomorrow?

It's pretty lame that each of these bullet-points are pieces of evidence for me, so I can be sure that he continues to like me and not want to leave me. It's pathetic, I know. But that's where I am, now, and I can tolerate that.  I certainly don't love this part of me, but I'll accept it for now. 

Ah, self-compassion. Another positive!

Swinging from extreme emotions

I am emotionally reactive now and all of last night because Jay has not responded to my text at 8pm last night, or to my phone call at 10pm after I got out of work.

It is now 9am and I feel livid and fearful.  Livid because I've been ignored and discarded. Fearful because I wonder if something has happened to him.

My pendulum swings in extremes: anger, fear, anger, fear, anxious anxious anxious.  There is no middle ground unless sadness is the middle ground.

10 minutes ago, I saw his name pop-up in green in google chat, meaning... he's alive!  And my fear quells and my anger goes up.  Seconds later, my anger goes down, and sadness enters the scene.  Is he choosing to ignore me then? Is he consciously deciding not to respond to me?  Cue self-doubt: Did I do something bad to change his feelings from liking me to not caring about me at all? Return to scene: anxiety.

This is how the cycle works.  It is a series of pendulum swings, cycling from one negative emotion to another, until exhaustion takes over me and I go to sleep.

(photo courtesy thanks to: life & science)

My anxiety is eating me alive.

Yup, just read the heading: my anxiety is eating me alive.

I decided last Friday (at the last minute), that I wouldn't drive down to see Jay. It was a difficult decision to make, but my body expressed sheer exhaustion, thus forcing me to be true to what I really needed.  He was actually perfectly OK with my decision and still excited that I'd be coming the following weekend. Whew.

With the weekend devoted to myself, I did a lot of self-care. I slept early, prepared groceries and cooked for the week, spent much-needed time with friends, and basically regained my pre-boyfriend social lifestyle.  It was great. AND I missed him immensely.

I've been missing him a lot, and it saddens, angers, and frightens me. Being attached to someone is terrifying because the outcomes of past experiences have been so devastating. So far, I've kept my guard up with Jay. He hasn't seen my insecurities. He has yet to see me cry.  It makes honest conversations very difficult to have because I can't imagine talking about the future without revealing both of those dirty parts of me.  Yes, I said it. Logically, it makes no sense. But emotionally, I feel ashamed to have so much anxiety and fear about our relationship, and about any romantic relationship in general.

So, for the last 5 days or so, I've been immersed in insecurity. I wonder if he continues to like me. I fear he has lost his feelings for me or gotten used to my presence. I'm scared he's planning a future without me.  It's so rare to feel so powerless because unlike other times, I'm not the one leaving; I have no control over the outcome or process. 


Funnily enough, I also realize that part of my anxiety is not knowing what my future holds based on what I want. Do I want to stay in this rural community? Do I want to return to the big city? Could I be happy here, and would my decision to stay-put have to do with Jay, entirely?  Those big questions also circle me and the anxiety is overwhelming.

How much of this anxiety is about my decision to make?

And how much of this anxiety is about his decisions and its impact on me?




(link to everyday feminism's: how to have a healthy long distance relationship)

The shadow of his exes

My insecurities are getting the worst of me today.  I'm telling you, it's the post-Valentine's blues!

I recently learned that Jay has been in a total of 2 relationships.

1. Ex-girlfriend #1 was his first love that began during his junior year of high school when he said he was with a "ghetto" chick for 1 year. They ended things because she was overly possessive, jealous, and in his words: "toxic."  
2. Ex-girlfriend #2 was a relationship that started in his senior year of high school and lasted 10 years.  Yes, you heard me, 10 years. Much of that relationship was long-distance and they broke up mutually & amicably 2 years ago because they realized they were more friends than romantic partners. Apparently, she left school and moved back to her hometown and their life paths changed. He said that his hometown could never be an option because there's nothing there for him professionally. In any case, during one of their visits together, they mutually decided to take a "break" from each other. The day after, they met again and decided to call it quits, permanently.  

Wow. The ending of a 10 year relationship and it's just over? Just like that?  Applied to my life, it would be like my dating history never happened. I would have been with Robert for the last 8 years!

So I asked a million questions to learn more about Jay's feelings and reactions. Was he utterly devastated? Heartbroken? Sad, at least? He said no, no, and no. Apparently, during the last 2 years of that relationship, it already felt like they were dwindling. So when they finally cut it off, he really didn't feel like it affected his life or emotional experiences, either.

Jay's story scares me because it makes me wonder if he's ever been in love. I asked him if he had thought ex-girlfriend #2 could have been his wife someday-- and his answer was yes, because they'd been together for so long. What kind of an answer is that?!

NOTE: If anyone ever proposes to me, it better because they can't imagine living life without me and not because we'd been together long enough that it feels like the right thing to do/next step to take.

I don't really get Jay. Has he experienced heartbreak? Does he know what angst is like? Rejection? Does he know what being alone is like? Or what his own identity is-- separate from a partner?

Of course, I did not ask all of those questions aloud. But I did hint at them and he responded that he spent the last 2 years figuring out his individuality: traveling and learning about himself.

The bitter and cynical part of me snorted at that. 2 years, buddy? Seriously? That's nothing. Try 10 years of singlehood-- interspersed with 2 toxic, abusive relationships and a handful of sleepovers with guys who offered good dates at first, but then seemed utterly incompatible.

But why compare myself with him? By doing that, what am I accomplishing? What kind of sick game is that, and if it were game, who would the winner be?

• Who's been rejected more?
• Who's experienced more pain?
• Who appreciates being in a relationship more?
• Who is more pure?
• Who endorses more naiveness and optimism?

My insecurity is popping up because of how much I realize I miss him, sometimes.

Every time he's about to leave my house, I feel this wave of dread and sadness.
After he leaves, I become immobilized in some way, and unable to return to real life. I wait the full 2 hours and 35 minutes for him to get home and my life is essentially on-hold until then. When I finally get the text that he's safe and sound, I can resume life again.

His absence can feel really significant sometimes, and on days (like today), I really miss him and I'm pretty sure the feeling is not mutual because he's either sleeping, working, or playing with his bicycle.

That's when I think: Hmph, he doesn't miss me because a) our life experiences are totally different based on our dating history, or b) he just doesn't like me as much as I like him.

HINT: Both response options suck.

Self-love

My recent posts are a good reminder of why I started this blog. Without any love for myself, I am merely a hollow shell waiting to be filled.

My identity, my confidence, my sense-concept is entirely defined by the other person. Whoever that paramour is, his perception of me is what shapes who I am.

My mind operates like this:
When I don't hear from him, I feel like I have no value.
When I think he likes something about me, I amplify that part of me ten-fold because it's what he wants.
In-between those times, when there is self-doubt, I critique all aspects of me and wonder which part is unlovable and deserving of being abandoned.

If I were a jar, I would be just sitting there. Passively waiting to be filled, hopeful for fleeting feelings of "bliss" and "in love" and "happy."  Once I reach cloud 9, however, downhill spiral begins. I am mired in anxiety, anticipating emptiness.


I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety because I don't exist until someone comes along to validate parts of me. Only then, can I birth my existence. There is no self-love here. There is not even a sense of "self" in the picture.

Well, I can't live like that anymore. I can't be in relationships like that anymore. This time, it's not the other person that is unhealthy, it's me. I can't be in such an unhealthy relationship with myself anymore.

Much of the time I wrote in this blog, I've been single and actively self-reflecting. Throughout the course of maintaining these journal entries, I grew to be at my healthiest: physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. But I was single and that was a large part of my success. Being single means I was 100% committed to having a healthy relationship with me.

In a relationship with someone else? That changes my entire relationship with myself, so this is my new journey for the year.

As a belated new year's resolution, I challenge myself to have simultaneously healthy relationships with my beau and with me. I will strive to not lose parts of myself along the way. I will aspire not to give-up on myself at the outset.

I created this blog for the simple reason of having a better relationship with myself. This is what I have been working toward all these years and it all has to do with cultivating love for me.

Self-love: I'm coming for ya.

Punishing him, punishing myself

I had a great 12-hour date with Jay when he drove up 2.5 hours on Friday night. I had a work event that night and he sat-in and watched. It was quite nerve-wracking since it is the first time he's ever seen me in my professional element. It was vulnerable and I felt that much closer to him.

We woke up at 5am the next morning so he can hit the road to make it to his professional event. "I'll text you when I get there," he said, as he opened his car door and gave me a knowing smile. He knew I would worry about his long drive, and it was comforting to know he understood that it mattered to me. "OK," I said casually as I thought about how lucky I was to have such an understanding boyfriend who care about me and my feelings.

Except, that he didn't.

And this was the 2nd time that he didn't follow-through with his words. So, a couple of hours later, I wrote a text that simply stated, "I'm going to assume you got there safely..." and I waited for his reply.

I waited and waited and waited.

Exactly one hour later, he wrote back an apology and told me how busy it was when he arrived! He also showed me a picture of the throngs of people he had to cater to.

After reading his response, an unexpected, guttural, and animalistic sound escaped me. It came from deep within my stomach and the anxiety coursed out of me.  It was a sob and I cried intensely for less than a minute and shed only a few tears. I hadn't even known I was carrying that much anxiety.

I did not reply to Jay after that. For the rest of that day, I made a conscious effort to be unresponsive. I was too hurt and I was reliving the past.

Similar feelings of being tricked, betrayed, and beguiled came over me. When I was with B., I often felt like he had eyes only for me. It was later in my relationship that I learned the truth. That, the second I turned my back, I was out-of-sight and out-of-mind for him. Whatever promises, commitment, or loyalty he had toward me were now given to whoever woman he was setting his eyes on. I wondered; is this process identical for Jay? He had said to me: "I'll text you when I get there" and then forgot about me as soon as he left. When we're together, he treats me like he only has eyes for me! But when he's gone, obviously, I'm also out of the picture.

My mind reeled. My heart reeled. I felt sick to my stomach.

Late in the afternoon, Jay called to see how my day was. We generally don't call each other until nighttime, so I imagine it's because he thought my silence was unusual.

He was right, actually. I was in pain. But I wonder if I was also wanting to push him away with the pain. My silence was as much as my retreat as it was a punishment for him. Intentional or not, my action was my subtle way of saying: this hurts so much again and perhaps a bit of a fuck you.

What happens in my head... stays in my head.

My insecurities increased exponentially after my parents and Jay met. I feared Jay would cut me out, drop me like a ball, or run for the hills. I expected one or all of the above.

However, he remained... the same.
He still texted.
He still called.
He still flirted.
It was like nothing changed.

But I changed. Me. I began panicking and returning to my old real self. One night, I felt my anxiety skyrocket when he didn't text me back immediately. I had called him and it went straight to voicemail. Of course, knowing me, I checked on gchat and saw him flick from orange to green. I held my breath. He did not text or call me back. Fear settled in before coursing out and being replaced with sadness and loss. I began to think what it would be like to return to the dating world and starting over from scratch. Bye, Jay. I wonder which lucky girl gets to meet you next. Who did I think I was, rejecting the word "boyfriend" when that could actually be taken away from me?

... a few hours later, he texted to say he fell asleep and was sorry to have missed my call. "No worries," I casually said, and we moved on to talk about our day.
It was like nothing changed.
He has no idea what all went through my head during that waiting period.
And he never will!

When the boyfriend and parents meet...

I am eating the words from my last post.

My boyfriend and parents met each other this weekend.
The experience ended up being quite disappointing.

Mom and dad did not speak very much to him. Partly, that was due to the bustle of the city and the excitement of the nightlife and partying all around us.  Another part of it was the language barrier and their unfamiliarity with English.  Jay was quite shy, now that I think about it. But it's not completely on him. Both sides could have taken a more active stance in initiating conversations with each other.  I did the best I could, but alas, it was... awkward and uncomfortable since it was just me pulling hard to no avail.

On Saturday afternoon, Jay drove to meet up with us a few miles out of the city so he could park his car and we could ride into town together. When he arrived, we swapped seats so he could drive my car since he knows the neighborhood better. As we sat in the front, mom and dad said barely nothing to him-- nothing in English, that is.  I could hear them speak in my native tongue, though. Dad made comments about Jay's height, weight, speculating on numbers and making jokes throughout.  It was rude, insensitive, and I was mortified. I felt incredibly protective of Jay after that, and when we took a walk together at the park, I pulled him to the front and we walked separately from my parents.  At one point, my mom waved at me and told me walk faster. Can you believe it? She later told me she meant it as: lead the way.  Sure, mom, as though that's really what you meant.

The rest of the night operated like 4 people on 2 different dates. I felt stuck-- in the middle of two parties of people who had no interest in getting to know one another. My parents didn't ask him any questions, other than "do you cook at home?" while I was in the restroom. As for Jay, he was also quite passive. He did not initiate asking even one question-- I didn't notice that about him until I talked with friends today and they suggested he might have been shy.

Jay gets a break on this though, because I continue to feel protective of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed my dad's evaluative judgment towards him. If anything, I feel like mama bear now. I left that date feeling even more nurturing of him, wanting to do more to take care of him, and feeling more committed to him to shield him from all negative energy-- including that of my parents'.

I drove home that night feeling disappointed, angry, and then even more disappointed in my parents. Why couldn't they have been more host-like? 

I have since started doubting this relationship, wondering if the dynamic will always be like this if I date someone who's of a different race and language background as my parents. Was this meeting an omen of any relationship I have with someone who is not the same as me? Is this a sign of Jay and my incompatibility down the line?

Whatever the answer is, my heart feels gloom. I can't help but wonder if Jay feels what I feel now. I feel anxious thinking about his experience of our date, and his interpretation of what's to come. What if he doesn't want me after this? What if that experience was so blah for him, that he's also re-evaluating me and this relationship?

The cost of my experiences

When I say those 2 words: boyfriend, relationship, I feel dazed at first. Like I'm dreaming or talking about someone else. But within a millisecond, I feel jolted awake, as though someone slapped me to remind me of what's to come.

The term "relationship" and "boyfriend" conjures feelings of devastation. Like, I'm spiraling down soon and awaits me is imminent devastation and inevitable pain.

Yes, I am in a relationship. 
Yes, I have a boyfriend.

In my head, an evil part of me laughs and tells myself that I am re-signing my contract with the devil again. I am inviting myself to be broken by someone again.

Fuck.

It has been years since my last relationship but the damage to my livelihood, my happiness, my ability to love-- remains. I have not recovered or forgotten. My scars seem faded because I stopped focusing on them. But upon touching those areas, you will see that my wounds are still open, the pain still raw.

Why can't I be normal and happy?
Why can't I simply bask in the joy of being with someone?

Plus: What does it mean to have such strong reactions? Are my feelings simply a reminder of my past? Or do they also serve as as omens for my future?

Reading between the lines

As in every romantic relationship, I find myself reading between the lines all the time. Does he mean x when he says y? Does he think y when he actually wants z? Is he pretending to suggest z when when he's actually trying to convey x?

With thoughts like these in my head, I can never stop.  I cannot stop to smell the flowers and enjoy what I have. I am too busy searching for thorns in the roses and anticipating being poked and inevitably bleeding to death.

Sound dramatic? It's exactly how my heart feels and I have the perfect example from this weekend:

Today is actually Jay's birthday and since we are a bit of a distance away, we celebrated over the weekend. Before coming, he said he'd be leaving early on Sunday morning to get back home to do fun outdoor activities with his brother. I secretly breathed a sigh of relief that he was leaving early. His plan worked out perfectly for me because I had a ton of work to do and I desperately needed Sunday to play catch-up. But the fact that Jay said he was leaving early threw me for a loop because he was the one wanting distance, not me. And so, my feelings of insecurity, doubt, rejection flooded over. I took his request to mean that he no longer liked me and he would prefer to spend time doing other things with other people who are not me.

**As I write this down, I recognize the absurdity of my logic, but at the moment, my feeling of being subtly rejected was soo soo strong.

I told my brother how much this bothered me and I expressed sadness and confusion. Why isn't he maximizing his birthday weekend with me? Why doesn't he want to spend as much together as possible? What does it mean that he's not wanting to stay through to Sunday? Why?

My brother's response?

''He's coming all the way up to spend a couple of days with you. On the last day of the weekend, you have a ton to do. And he's leaving, so it all works out. This works out perfectly! The universe has spoken."

Oh, was all I could say. Fine, I muttered, before walking away with my tail tucked between my legs. My brother made a great point. Obviously Jay likes me. He was willing to drive 2.5 hours to see me this weekend, and also every weekend that he's come up since October!

Why couldn't I see that earlier? Why did I only see the glass half-empty, the bottle ready to be discarded? Ahem, I am this metaphorical bottle. Why did I have to analyze everything so that the outcome is always that he is done with me?

The logical part of me believes that we all create narratives in our head that function like blueprints. My blueprint is always the same. It's being left, being abandoned, being left in the dust before I even realize its over.

Must I replay this blueprint time and time again?

In some ways, I know the answer is yes and it is the right answer. I've been left before. I've been abandoned before. I've been left in the dust, billowing and waiting for years before realizing he has long gone. I will never be that gullible again. I never want to be such a fool again. I will never be so unprepared about being walked out on and experiencing the shock that is pain. My blueprint serves a function and an acquired survival skill that I learned the very very hard way. While it may not always be healthy, I've had to learn to put up my guard to read between the lines.

Doing it solo!

I’m heading to a concert in a few minutes. 

Just going to go see my favorite boy band in the world. Ever. That’s all.   

Unfortunately, this is a solo trip.  Yup, just me, myself, and I because I don’t know anyone who wanted to see this band, and because I bought these tickets so last-minute that I couldn’t even get tickets for 2 people to sit together.

Still, times like this make me wish I were back in my big city with tons of friends who would jump at the chance to go to a concert with me.

Still, I’m feeling excited but quite nervous as well. I’ve never been to a concert ALONE. Shouldn’t this kind of activity be group-oriented? And isn’t that a social event as opposed to a solitary event?

At the same time, I do feel kind of proud of myself for going alone. I often tell my single friends or even my friends in long-distance relationships that they should pursue what they want even if it’s alone.  I try to empower them to do things like eat at a restaurant alone if they can’t find anyone to go with. Watch a movie alone. Shop alone (which I often do, actually).

So it’s quite appropriate that I find myself going to a concert alone. If I didn’t, then I’d be all talk, wouldn’t I? It’s time that I walked the walk instead of just talk the talk.

Confrontation

I actually ran-into B. in the parking lot today.  I choose to believe it was an accidental encounter, although I wouldn't be that surprised if he had planned it.

I stood in shock and exasperation as he started laughing and saying what a coincidence it was. He laughed for a long time. As he laughed and commented on seeing my car and also parking 2 spaces away from my car, I looked up at the sky and said to myself, "ugh, I must be cursed." When I asked what he wanted from me, he said it was a coincidental run-in and completely unplanned. He asserted that he didn't even call me! And then he laughed some more. I coldly told him to "keep it that way" and started shuffling my feet to prepare to leave. In seconds, he was within arm's reach attempting to give me a huge hug.  I quickly jumped back and stuck my hand out to maintain the distance between us. As seriously I could, I enunciated every word: "Do. not. touch. me. " He laughed as though I said a joke and he looked confused. True to my understanding of him, he acted like we were long-lost friends and asked me how I'm doing. He didn't take "fine" for an answer. He kept asking me, "really? really?" as though I couldn't possibly be fine.  When I asked him what he wanted from me, he repeated that he wanted nothing because we were actually running into each other by accident in the parking lot. Our encounter probably lasted less than 2 minutes but it felt like much longer. I know that within that time, he tried again to hug me.  And again, I moved quickly and asserted that I did not want him even near me, much less touch me. I don't remember what happened in the end, just that I said goodbye and left.  I know he kept talking.  I know he said things like "take care" or blah blah blah but I couldn't bother to listen.  I just needed out, away. I just wanted him to be far far away.  As I walked and heard his voice in the distance, I felt scared but also liberated. This is it, right?  This has to be the last encounter, right? I'm making it crystal clear, aren't I? He won't follow me because he's finally getting it, right?

For some reason, I don't think I'm in the clear yet. I still have 1 more day before he supposedly leaves my state/city/workplace. At any given time, I fear he will show up. I fear he will corner me. I fear he will touch me and impose himself on me. When I think about what I'm most scared of, I think about that feeling of being trapped, stuck, dirty, and helpless. After our encounter today, I also realize that I fear exactly what I feel now: empathy, pity, and even guilt.

Following our confrontation, I had meeting-after-meeting-after meeting. I had such a headache that I took the afternoon off and returned home for a nap. I was just so tired. So frickin' tired and so avoidant of my feelings. I've spent the entire afternoon wondering if I was too mean. Wondering if I hurt his feelings. Wondering if he feels ambushed by my coldness and if I was uncharacteristically cruel.

The logical side of me knows I had to be clear, consistent, and cold. I want nothing to do with him, and every inch I give him will become part of what he takes from me.  B. does not take no for answer. He can smell weakness and he knows how to take advantage of when a woman softens. Being the professional womanizer that he is, I know that being cruel is the only way for this to work. But in my heart-of-hearts, I also hate that I've had to change myself to respond to somoene. I hate having to be so out-of-character, so angry, so hurt, so sad, and so weak that I have to be mean instead of be peaceful from within.

Today, I am far from feeling peaceful. I feel disappointed, sad, and a little hopeless. I feel like all these weeks and even month(s) of growth were pointless.  I don't even know if I ever moved forward.  I feel enveloped in sadness and I am feeling so vividly, that angst I felt when I was with him.  It is a mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, guilt, all mixed together and sapping every little bit of my identity and motivation. I am in it, once again.  I feel like I am drowning once again.  I just want to crawl into my covers once again.