Me-time!

It's my first Friday being solo without the company of Jay!

I have a work gig tomorrow that requires all-day attendance, so I knew ahead of time we'd have 2 weeks apart.

I'm not particularly sad or missing him, actually.

Truth be told, I've been a tad excited about the possibility of having Friday night to myself.

Last night was the first Thursday in 6 months that I got to relax and do nothing. I didn't have to clean the house from top-to-bottom in anticipation of his visit. I also wasn't running around doing emergency laundry and packing for a weekend trip.

My agenda for tonight is to take Mr. Z. for a long walk, attend an outdoor festival to see some friends, and then head home for a relaxing night.  I'll need to board Mr. Z. overnight since I'll be out of the house by 7am tomorrow and only returning home late at night.  So, I definitely want to squeeze in some quality time with my sweet sweet dog.

Afterwards, I'll probably sit around and do some work in front of the TV. Yes, even doing some work tonight would be relaxing. The point is, I can just be tonight -- in my own mess-- and without having to cater to anyone else other than myself!

Tonight is me-time!

Permission to be myself

Given how intense my emotions have been, I decided I needed some good self-care and contacted my therapist for some tele-therapy.

I felt so much better after that conversation. My therapist, Angel, let me cry, voice my frustration without judgment, and then she helped me contextualize my feelings. She helped me understand why my reactions have felt so explosive, and to see its connection with deeper-rooted issues.

1. I miss my family, period.  And no matter how unfair it is that I'm putting it onto Jay (or even other friends), the fact of the matter is I feel displaced and I'm looking to fill that void and establish that connection everywhere.
2. I am an organized person that needs a lot of clarity. People communicate differently and it's OK to ask people for more details. Ask! Putting myself out there to have my needs met is better than preserving an image and restricting myself until I can no longer handle having my needs be minimized and I explode with questions. But I'm scared of asking.
3. I have made a lot of sacrifices (consciously or unconsciously) and am trying to understand if those sacrifices are "worth it." I'm trying to understand if my decisions (e.g., moving here!) are the right decisions. I'm unsure, scared, and fearful of past, present, and future decisions I have to make and the sacrifices that come along. For example: Would I choose to permanently stay here because of my relationship with Jay?
4. I adapt easily to accommodate peoples' wants, desires, and preferences. I can anticipate ahead of time what they want and mold myself accordingly. Consequently, I haven't been able to "be myself" in any circumstance. Not professionally, not in my romantic relationship, not even with friends given their overlap with my work. 
5. I live in constant fear of being rejected. I am terrified that something ugly about me will be discovered and I will be abandoned-- with no explanation. That's how my 1st relationship ended and I have since held-on to the assumption that there is something inherently "wrong" with me. I don't know what "it" is, but it's the only thing I can explain for when I try to understand the sudden break-up in my first relationship.

At the end of our session, Angel asked me to think about my life history and to recall when I've had permission to be myself.

Permission to be myself? 

100% me?

Her question stumped me and I realized that I have never felt like that was a possibility. Bam! 

I hadn't know that was how I lived my entire  life. I hadn't known that everything I know about relationships is how to compartmentalize and show only certain parts of myself with particular people.  It's no wonder I have a gajillion friends and yet still feel lonely sometimes. I can adapt to any social group I want and it's because I can identify with certain aspects of people or a group of people. 

But ask me if I've been able to be completely, wholly 100% of myself in a particular group or even with one friend?-- and I don't know if I could say yes to that question.

I don't think I've ever felt like I could be 100% of myself with my parents, either. Definitely not my father, and probably not my mother, if I'm being truly honest. Wow.

Having needs vs. being needy

Jeremy Grey: I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.

(Quote from one of my favorite movies: Wedding Crashers) 

I called my therapist this week and cried. We haven't spoken in 6 months, and without taking time to catch-up, I told her about Jay and the anxiety that is eating me alive. She reminded me to think about asking questions as addressing my needs versus being clingy or needy.  Last year around this time, she had caught me using those words to describe myself-- and we talked about my fear of appearing clingy or needy in a relationship. She said that in a span of 5 minutes, she counted me saying those words 4 times to describe myself!

I am fearful of having conversations with Jay about what I want need.  Asking for something from him feels needy.  I imagine that other people don't need or want as much as I do.  I envision seeing myself from a third-party perspective and I feel embarrassed of what I see. I am demanding, overwhelming, and asking for so much. Probably too much. I fear that he will think that I am too much and then he will leave. So I shut my mouth and stuff my questions inside, saved for when I am alone.

My wonderful therapist reminded me that I have always been curious and needed answers-- not only in romantic relationships-- but throughout my life.  In childhood, when I wondered about my parents' marriage under the threat of divorce, I had a million questions then:

• Who will I live with if you separate? 
• Will I ever see mom again? 
• Will I ever see my brother again?
• Am I going to survive living with dad?
• Can I survive with you?
• What am I supposed to do?
• How am I supposed to make the situation better?
• Should I act tough even though I'm terrified?
• I am so scared, can someone please explain what is happening to me.

Decades later, I still have these questions, although they are now in adult relationships and the anxiety is even more intense.

Outside of relationships, I also have a similar pattern when it comes to learning. I have curiosity and questions that need to be answered before I can move forward in work, school, etc. Back in 3rd grade, I had to complete an entire page of fractions during one class session. At the time, I was still confused about fractions and wanted to solve 1-2 problems to ensure their accuracy before moving forward with the rest of the worksheet. However, my teacher forbade us from making any noise or disturbance. We had to sit silently and fill-out all those questions at once. I could not do it.  I could not finish that worksheet because of my insecurity that I didn't know how to solve fractions. I feared everything would be incorrect if I just did them my way without checking the answer first. So, I ended up pretending to need kleenex and walking around the classroom to see how my friends were responding.  My teacher "caught" me walking and I got in major trouble. And yes, she was shitty teacher.

Today, this pattern remains and is how I operate. I need to see how something is done before I do it. I need to hear it, then observe it, and finally, I can do it myself. I need all my questions answered. After which, I flourish via scaffolding, assurance, building-up small dosages of confidence and self-efficacy. Once I have that system in place, I can hit the ground running and do 10X more than other people. My productivity is unbeatable once I'm assured of what I'm doing. Without that initial foundation, however, I am insecure, confused. I am a... child. Wow, I hadn't realized that until I wrote it out.  I feel lost, unsure, dubious of myself and what I should be doing. Much like how I feel now, which I suppose makes me regress to being... a child.

So,  I guess those same questions I asked when I was a kid? Those are the exact same fears in my adult romantic relationships now.


(photo courtesy: ever upward)

Am I in a long-distance relationship?

The distance between me and Jay is approximately 123 miles.

The commute is a 2 hour and 35 minute drive.

Last weekend, when we met some people learned about this distance between us, they said to him: "Oh! So you're just her friend, not boyfriend." He shook his head and explained his role and that we generally see each other weekly. Still, they exclaimed, "No, you're just friends, then!"


I don't get it. What does the distance change? Apparently, everything.


In the 4 months that Jay and I have been dating, he drives to me on a weekly basis. Usually, he gets in around dinnertime on Friday and leaves sometime Sunday morning.  When he hasn't been able to come on Fridays, he will drive in Saturday and then leave early Monday morning.

This weekend, he would like me to go to him. In fact, he has requested that I attend a party-planning event to spend time with his friends. We are planning a party and hanging out-- in preparation for an actual humongous party next weekend.

• Part of me swoons with the idea of going to him. I am excited to see his group, his people, and be in his life.
• Another part of me needs a break from these weekend dates because I can never get any work done when we are together!

Am I currently in a long-distance relationship?

If I say NO to the one request he's ever asked of me, am I being a selfish bitch? By saying NO this time, will he think that I won't drive to him because I expect him to always come to me? That is absolutely NOT true but will he assume that?

If I say YES to this weekend escapade, will I be distracted and eventually resentful of my decision. Willl I be true to myself and my needs?  Will I be honoring my relationship with myself: a goal that I've been working toward throughout these last few years? By saying YES, am I giving up pieces of me for someone else (again)?

There is no right or wrong answer here, but being in a long-distance relationship would affect my ultimate decision.

I looked up some blogs today, hoping to read about long-distance relationships, but most of what I found detailed international long-distance relationships. As I read those, I wondered if mine constitutes long-distance. Originally, I would have said no, but others insist that it is! There is no ocean to cross here. No time zone change, and no need for currency exchange. Somehow, knowing all that makes it even more confusing to me.

The "I am love-able" challenge begins now!

It's Valentine's week! A dreaded day for some singles, and high hopes for some coupled!

I am a combination of both:
hopeful because I am in a relationship; and dread-filled, because of the inevitable disappointments experienced year after year.

In the spirit of my most recent self-love post, I am going to start a month-long challenge to myself. The topic is on self-appreciation! Every day for the next 30 days, I will write about something that is love-able about myself.


"I am love-able because...."

And that is the only prompt I'll have to follow!

Can't wait, can't wait!

Geez, I hope to find 30 things that are love-worthy about me!

Self-love

My recent posts are a good reminder of why I started this blog. Without any love for myself, I am merely a hollow shell waiting to be filled.

My identity, my confidence, my sense-concept is entirely defined by the other person. Whoever that paramour is, his perception of me is what shapes who I am.

My mind operates like this:
When I don't hear from him, I feel like I have no value.
When I think he likes something about me, I amplify that part of me ten-fold because it's what he wants.
In-between those times, when there is self-doubt, I critique all aspects of me and wonder which part is unlovable and deserving of being abandoned.

If I were a jar, I would be just sitting there. Passively waiting to be filled, hopeful for fleeting feelings of "bliss" and "in love" and "happy."  Once I reach cloud 9, however, downhill spiral begins. I am mired in anxiety, anticipating emptiness.


I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety because I don't exist until someone comes along to validate parts of me. Only then, can I birth my existence. There is no self-love here. There is not even a sense of "self" in the picture.

Well, I can't live like that anymore. I can't be in relationships like that anymore. This time, it's not the other person that is unhealthy, it's me. I can't be in such an unhealthy relationship with myself anymore.

Much of the time I wrote in this blog, I've been single and actively self-reflecting. Throughout the course of maintaining these journal entries, I grew to be at my healthiest: physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. But I was single and that was a large part of my success. Being single means I was 100% committed to having a healthy relationship with me.

In a relationship with someone else? That changes my entire relationship with myself, so this is my new journey for the year.

As a belated new year's resolution, I challenge myself to have simultaneously healthy relationships with my beau and with me. I will strive to not lose parts of myself along the way. I will aspire not to give-up on myself at the outset.

I created this blog for the simple reason of having a better relationship with myself. This is what I have been working toward all these years and it all has to do with cultivating love for me.

Self-love: I'm coming for ya.

Disordered eating

I tried to continue my Paleo lifestyle during my mama's visit.  I resisted all of her attempts to feed me breads, sugar, sauces... basically anything that wasn't meat, vegetables, or fruit.

Throughout her trip, my mom kept telling me how "uncomfortable" she felt about my diet. In her opinion, removing anything from one's diet altogether is bad. And as I listened to her, I became more convinced that I should wean myself off of Paleo and return back to a well-balanced, well-rounded diet consisting of mostly everything (except sugars and other unprocessed foods).  What I mean to say is, I think it's time to re-introduce cheeses, grains (whole), and other natural carbs back into my system, including legumes.

My fear is that if I continue going Paleo, my body may start to develop sensitivities and allergies to foods that I'm not eating.  Because I started Paleo being able to eat everything, I don't want to create an intolerance because of such a strict dietary lifestyle.

So, as I'm weaning myself off of this diet, I'm surprised to find that returning to "normal eating" has been very very hard.  I can understand now, why some people describe their eating disorder to be the best friend and most loyal company they have.  Without Paleo for the past 2 days, I feel like I've lost structure in my day to day life. I've lost routine, I've lost direction, and I feel completely unsure and unconfident in my eating habits. There is no guarantee for anything and my body no longer feels pure. I feel like I'm gaining weight, even though I'm probably not. The perfectionist in me is screaming at me to go back to Paleo. I physically feel feel like I am dirtying my insides every time I eat foods that are non-Paleo.  This must be what an eating disorder can feel like, and I'm recognizing now, how much my eating habits were giving me a sense of control amidst chaos.

That's scary.

The more I read about healthy living and eating, the less guarantees there are about eating well.  Some say eat fruits and veggies. Other say, no no, you can only eat organic fruits and veggies.  Some say reduce your portions of red meat and other sources of animal fat. Others say, nono, pile on the meats or else you will lose your muscle tissues!

Apparently, there are no right or wrong answers to eating healthy, and it is based on one person's body type and knowledge of what is best for you-- specifically. At this point in time, however, I feel like there are very distinct right versus wrong decisions and I am either right or wrong. This mentality immobilizes me so that I'm in a state of fear... and hunger.

When did I become so dogmatic in my ways?

Time with mom

My mom came to visit this week and our time together flew by.

It's like she disappeared into the night or something-- I can't believe she came and went already.

This week, I completely detached myself from work, school, emails, responsibilities, and spent quality time with my mom. We had 4 days together, in total, and most of it was spent shopping, trying on clothes (often in my closet), laughing, eating, and talking. I enjoyed every single second of it, even though there were times when I was annoyed that she kept trying to (over)feed me.

My mom is my best friend and has always been-- since I was a kid.  I can do anything, be anything, and say anything around her. I can simply be, and I had forgotten how comforting it was to be able to feel at ease with someone else around me.

Before mom came, I had been a bit anxious about entertaining her.  But once she got here, that wasn't a problem whatsoever. Mom took care of me, instead. She bought me all sorts of things: groceries, to begin with! clothes! And she also got me a ton of cooking appliances that I've been secretly wanting and saving up for so that I can buy it for myself one day. My mom got me a juicer, a crockpot, and she also got me a scale.  I've been window-shopping for a scale for the past 6 months, actually, and it took mom being here for me to finally commit to one. Ha!

My best time with my mom was every single second, literally.  I loved cooking with her, eating with her, sitting in the car with her, and talking to her before we fell asleep at night. I miss my mom!

I mean, I really miss my mom! After waving her off at the airport, I walked back to the car, sat down, and burst into tears realizing how lonely I am, now that I have experienced a week of feeling immensely loved and accepted for who I am.

Moms are so special, and for me, she is truly irreplaceable. She is the person that tells me to stay being true to myself, and to encourage me and remind me of my strengths amidst my imperfections.  Basically, she tells me this (and who doesn't need someone to tell us that?):

Advice to my 14-year old self...

If there was something I could tell the 14-year-old me, it would be this:

Live your life without waiting for someone else.


I have put my life on-hold whenever a potential lover comes into my life. I stop, drop, and endorse a new identity for him... whoever he is.  No matter how great my life is beforehand, no matter how wonderfully I'm doing beforehand, I will change tracks for my romantic partner because I don't want to miss-out on him and lose him, altogether.

So, I make myself available to them so they don't forget about me/ forget about my presence.  I don't have one specific example in mind, but I have many many experiences of changing my path (literally my walking path) so that I can run-into that person to refresh myself in their memory.  I will change my schedule to adapt to his. I will maneuver my life to fit into his. I will wear the clothes that he likes to fit into his idea of a fantasy woman. I have done so much shape-shifting, partly motivated from my desire to please others; the other reason being my fear that if I don't work very very hard to fit him, then I will miss out on the most glorifying thing that I could ever happen in my life: being loved and finding the person that will love me forever.

So, now more than a decade later, I want to tell my 14-year-old self that it's not necessarily to put in so much damn work.


It shouldn't be that hard.  If it's meant to be, then it will be.  If it's not meant to be, then it will be... later. Did you hear what I said? Later, not never.  As a teenager, everything feels absolute: "If I don't ___, then I will never ___.  Listen, missy, there's no such thing as never. It's not the end if you don't adapt yourself to him. Your life journey will not be over, your identity will not be gone, and you will not shrivel up and die. The only thing you can ever lose is your identity, and you will lose that when you try so hard to fit yourself into someone else's life. 

You do not have to live for someone else, or be something different for another person.  If you did, then that's not the right person.  And if you did, then you no longer are a healthy person anymore, either. The right person will come along when you are ready and when he is ready.  You will not have to change so much of yourself or your life for him. You will do not have to work so hard for him.  You should never have to lose yourself for him or for someone else.  Just live your life honestly and authentically and good things will happen.  You may not be in as many relationships over the years, but I guarantee that you will be happier in the short- and long- run.

Doing it solo!

I’m heading to a concert in a few minutes. 

Just going to go see my favorite boy band in the world. Ever. That’s all.   

Unfortunately, this is a solo trip.  Yup, just me, myself, and I because I don’t know anyone who wanted to see this band, and because I bought these tickets so last-minute that I couldn’t even get tickets for 2 people to sit together.

Still, times like this make me wish I were back in my big city with tons of friends who would jump at the chance to go to a concert with me.

Still, I’m feeling excited but quite nervous as well. I’ve never been to a concert ALONE. Shouldn’t this kind of activity be group-oriented? And isn’t that a social event as opposed to a solitary event?

At the same time, I do feel kind of proud of myself for going alone. I often tell my single friends or even my friends in long-distance relationships that they should pursue what they want even if it’s alone.  I try to empower them to do things like eat at a restaurant alone if they can’t find anyone to go with. Watch a movie alone. Shop alone (which I often do, actually).

So it’s quite appropriate that I find myself going to a concert alone. If I didn’t, then I’d be all talk, wouldn’t I? It’s time that I walked the walk instead of just talk the talk.

Finding my inner-peace

I had dinner with a friend/colleague last night and unintentionally, we got to talking about deep-deep-deep issues about trauma, abandonment, love, loss, grieving, and searching for spiritual meaning in our lives.

Our get-together was somewhat surreal. It was very personal. I felt very vulnerable. I got to be very emotional. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way too.

At some points, I wasn't sure if I should share so much of myself.  I'm glad I did though. I actually learned more about myself as I talked.

I realized that I can reach a little bit of peacefulness each day... if I'm really in-touch with myself and really present in the moment.

On my walks with Mr. Z., I sometimes reach a different state of mind, where I am entirely immersed in my walk and with nature. I can feel the breeze in my hair, the sunlight hitting my face, the sound of the grass moving, and the chirping of the birds. It can feel magical to have so much of my senses activated.

In those moments, I can feel gratitude and contentment in ways I have never felt before. I can feel appreciative of where I am in life today. I can feel optimistic about the future (whatever that may come), and I can let go of the past as something far away from the here-and-now. I can just be.  In those few minutes that I am so in-touch with nature, I can feel a connection with the world, with humanity, with compassion. It can last for a split second, and rarely more than a couple of minutes.  Nevertheless, in that time frame, I realize realize that it is actually possible for me to be at peace.

A little bit of inspiration

Sometimes I forget how far I come... especially compared to when I first started this blog.  That wasn't even a year ago, but I had been in such a deep hole at the time.  I had felt so mangled inside, so tortured, and in so much angst.

It was around last year this time that I realized nothing would work no matter how hard I was trying. I had absolutely no hope because being in the relationship was painful and leaving it felt equally painful.

My relationship with B. defeated me in ways I never imagined. Figuratively speaking, it brought me to my knees, and maybe even lower. I felt so broken from it and have been trying to heal, recover, and uncover myself once again.  Yes, I use the word "uncover" instead of "discover" because I believe the beautiful parts of me can emerge again.  They are in me. Somewhere. They're just waiting to be, well, uncovered.

That is the entire reason why I started this blog in the first place.

Randomness of life

Dear blog, thank you for existing.  I have immense gratitude that this "space" exists and I have a place to write, cry, vent, reflect, and not care at all whether I am annoying another person with my troubles.

You know how life throws you random things when you least expect it?

Well, it's been two weeks since B.'s visit and I've been completely focused on school work and finishing up the semester/school year.  I'm on-track, again. I'm eating healthy. This paleo thing is starting to feel natural. I'm starting to feel like I'm back on my routine.  And lastly, Mr. Z. is completing his last obedience training class before we take the test to get him certified as a therapy dog.

Things have been feeling like they are progressing and moving forward.

Except that I suddenly got a call this week from Jenny, telling me news of my first love.  And now I'm emotionally spiraling and pulled-back into the heartaches of my first love and why things are the way they are now.

Random, I know.

Spiritual connection

Exercising has been my new form of therapy.  Wow, I never thought I would say that. And I also used to roll my eyes at those who would say anything remotely close to what I just wrote.  In fact, when I first started graduate school, we were asked about how we managed stress to take care of ourselves.  As we went around the room to ask about each person's strategies, I found myself shell-shocked at each person's response.  Almost all of them talked about some form of physical exercise, whether it's going running, swimming, taking a walk, or just some form of outdoor body-movement activity.  In my head, I rolled my eyes and scoffed, because I thought, "Yeah right! When you are absolutely stressed from a day of work, you're going to drag yourself home to lace up your sneakers to torture your body? Puh-lease. Stop lying."  Honestly, I couldn't believe how healthy those answers sounded.  The responses almost seemed fake and such a facade of goody-two-shoes. My answer was something like, "Watch copious amounts of TV, hang out with friends, and eat comfort foods/junk foods."

Well, well, well. It's now been 6 years later and how the tides have turned.  The people I used to scoff at are now... me.  Myself.  When people ask me about self-care, I will now probably say working out, taking walks with my dog, cooking, and of course, I would retain my earliest response of hanging out with friends and watching TV.  I would also add taking bubble baths because that is absolutely one of the most relaxing things I ever do for myself.

But anyways, going back to working out... My journeys to the gym are now spiritual.  I have recently felt that working out is now my new form of therapy.  3 times a week, I get up and have a specific destination to go to.  It is my motivation, it is my outcome, but it is also a process that I surprisingly enjoy.  When I am working out, I am very present, very grounded, and very focused on how I feel in the moment.  I am aware of my body, I am in-tune with my heartbeat, and I am letting out all the toxins in my body through my sweat (and maybe even tears when it gets hard! haha).  I enjoy that one hour of pushing myself to the max because it's really just 1 hour!  And no matter how fast time flies, that 1 hour of working out always feels much longer because it's so intensive and I so want it to go by faster). Throughout my life, I've always felt like working out was the slowest way to pass time.  It makes me feel like time isn't flying by, and that it actually can stretch out and seem like forever...

For me, working out isn't necessarily just those moments when I'm pushing my body, either.  On the days that I do not work out, I feel really good because my body is sore.  I feel very connected to the muscles in my body, and very aware that a) I have them and b) they are being stretched.  It's a great feeling to be sore.  I feel incredibly productive and achieved! I enjoy those days even more because I don't have to work out and because I am so grateful for the rest days.  As I let my body recuperate, I also envision my body getting leaner, my muscles getting stronger, and I find myself standing taller and actually feeling healthier.

The other benefit to my newfound body-awareness is my eating habits.  I am trying to be more aware of being hungry/full.  My physiological awareness is matched to my sense of being sore and being sensitive to feeling parts of my body that I wasn't aware of before.  For example, my rib area was sore this week even though I didn't even know I had muscles there!  Discovering these new parts of my body has been empowering.  It's a constant reminder that there is more to myself than I know.  It is also a reminder to listen to my body and let myself feel rather than just think. 

In all these ways, being connected to my body has been ever-so-spiritual.

It is my new and wonderful form of therapy.

Being alone.

Can't sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am.  Monday thru Friday, I am dying to sleep just a few more minutes after my alarm goes. But now look! On this bright and early Saturday morning, I find myself unable to sleep past 530am. UGH.

As I sit alone in my living room, I reflect again on my alone-ness and how spiritual this experience is for me.  When driving home last night, I found myself reflecting about my current lifestyle and how it's been healing me because I don't have to constantly keep taking care of others.

In the past few months, being alone has felt incredibly empowering. In almost all relationships, I feel the responsibility to take care of the other person.  Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even an acquaintance, I think about their needs/wants/desires/preferences. Especially in a romantic relationship, their stuff always trumps my own.  This is why I feel so empowered these days to eat what I want, do what I want, and stick to a schedule that fits me without having to consider another person.

I've also realized that my responsibility toward others is not just toward human life.  When I'm working at home, I think about Mr. Z and what he wants.  I'm distracted by his needs and so I struggle with getting my work done.  In the past week, I've spent entire mornings at the coffee shop so I can do my work without having him there.  Leaving him has felt pretty selfish, but I've also been working my way up to leaving and not feeling guilty about having activities outside-of-the-house.  Before having a dog, I used to be home very very rarely.  Other than cook, eat, sleep, and watch some TV, I was never really here.  But now that I have a dog, I spend as much time here as possible, even moving my social activities into my home so that I stay with Mr. Z.  In many ways, I am happier (see earlier post on my emotional, physical, and spiritual growth because of Mr. Z).  At the same time, however, I feel a decrease in productivity because I do feel anchored to my home.

Why is it that I can only focus on myself when I am completely and utterly alone?  Why can't I do it with someone else in the room or in my space? Why do I always prioritize others before myself?

The 2 places that allow me to focus on me is: 1) airplane/airport and 2) coffee shop.  Let me elaborate: when travelling, I have long enjoyed the fact that I can stick on my earphones and tune out the world altogether.  I can choose to make zero eye contact and I can focus completely and utterly on my thoughts, my getaway, my destination, and my plans. It's completely socially appropriate and acceptable.  In fact, it's the norm that most people don't talk to each other during those journeys.  Because I tend to fly at least once a month, I also look forward to it as an empowering experience between high up in the air, removed from everything and everyone.  You are simply alone and you cannot take care of others even if you wanted to.  I am alone from people, from things, from connections, from all sorts of responsibilities.  I would prefer not having the option of wi-fi in the sky simply because that's the one and only place that allows me to get away from it all.

As for the coffee shop, I also feel it is an "alone" experience because I sit alone in my own table.  My space is that table, and with the table being open, I am (happily) alone.  Having studied before with other people, I enjoy the social aspect but am also distracted by their needs as well.  Are they tired of studying? Am I talking too much/little? Do they seem like they are antsy to get out of there? etc. etc.  Yesterday, while sitting at a local coffee shop, I saw a couple study together at the table next to me.  I felt a stab in my heart and was reminded of my studying days with B.  That was probably what our life most resembled: study dates together because we commiserated over our doctoral work and enjoyed/needed to do work all the time.  And yes, on the one hand, it was great because it was both productive and semi-romantic at the same time.  On the other hand, I hated studying with him because he would stay for hours and hours while I got colder and hungrier at the coffee shops.  I also hated going with him because he would often make me leave early to drive him around to other places.  But the chauffeuring part is another story altogether.  That's just one sad story of being taken advantaged of and letting myself be constantly taken advantaged of.  My point about the coffee shop is that I love going alone! And the more I think about it, I am so glad that I will never have to go to a coffee shop with B. again. Seeing that couple yesterday made my heart ache but it also made me feel nauseous.  I hate B. right now and want nothing closely related to him or what we did together.  Romance is out of the question, and so is studying with a romantic partner.  Seeing all these couples make me want to gag.

What works for me?

I am 1 week away from eating Paleo all month.

I see these blogs and bloggers write about substantial changes that I can’t relate to and don’t see for myself. 

That’s been quite disheartening for me. 

Unlike all them, I didn’t do pre- and post- measurements. I don’t know what my body fat composition was before. I also don’t know what it is now. And unlike them, I don’t feel like my body is going through any evident, dramatic change.  But then again, I didn’t have any physiological problems to begin with.  I don’t have gastrointestinal problems, food allergies, insomnia, or any dry skin issues. Hmm… although my skin has been dry lately.  Still, I had no major health issues before; therefore, I am not experiencing any significant improvement/change now! Oh, and another difference between me and other people is my exercise level!  I went from no exercise to excercising 3 days a week!  How come I'm not having dramatic changes when they were exercising before, during, and after their Paleo conversions? I'm not losing 15 lbs, I'm not clearing up in my skin (OK I've never had acne), my joint pains aren't relieved (they've never been stiff), and I'm not sleeping any better either (I sleep the same, perhaps more poorly since I have to wake up early to go to the gym!).

For all these reasons, I wonder if Paleo is right for me. I question if I want to continue Paleo as a lifestyle change as opposed to a 30-day challenge. Do I need it?  I mean, do I really need it to improve my quality of life? I mean, why adopt this into my life permanently if I sense no substantial change? Why eat so healthily ALL THE TIME  when it’s so much easier to satiate my urges with delicious, immediately-satisfying processed foods? 

Because next Friday is my 30 day end-date (and also Mr. Z’s bday), I will be eating cake.  I will be consuming delicious cake (preferably ice cream cake). I also plan to indulge in some sort of cheesy pizza. At some point over the weekend (perhaps?), I will want hot broth with noodles. I envision having some Vietnamese rice noodles and eating the meat with some of the brown processed hoisin sauce. A good friend of mine has also offered to bake me one of her trademark desserts: pumpkin cheese cake rolls! Those are some of the cravings I fully intend to satiate.

Will I get back to Paleo afterwards?

...Maybe.

 I’m curious if I’ll feel sick after I eat all that processed stuff.  So many people have written about “cheating” on Paleo and feeling disgusting afterwards.  I wonder if I will. I wonder if my body will actually sense the difference? A big part of me really hopes I will. It would be exciting to feel sick afterwards because it will mean that my body actually responded to the changes!

Realistically speaking, I probably will maintain Paleo in a non-strict way (probably inside the home). I will try to cook Paleo, shop Paleo, and bake Paleo as well.  I will be more aware of processed foods, of chemicals and acids in the nutrition labels.  But I don’t know if I’ll say no to processed food ALL THE TIME. I am a foodie. I want to eat what I feel like when I’m out at restaurants or at friends’ houses.  I want to travel for the purpose of eating strange, exotic, special recipes! And if they're not Paleo, then sorry, I don't freakin' care. But I’ll definitely be more aware of what I’m eating and the contents of each item. In fact, I will compensate at home by eating simply, eating raw foods, and eating Paleo! And who knows? I can see myself doing strict Paleo every now and then as a form of detox! – Another 30 day challenge in a few months, perhaps?

An ode to Mr. Z

I am grateful to Mr. Z for so many reasons. A few months ago, my friend Penny remarked that Mr. Z was the only one that actually saved me from my relationship with B.  No amount of help/advice from friends was enough to give me the final push to end it all.  Ultimately, it was Mr. Z that helped me get out of what was killing my soul, and making me feel like I had no will to move forward.  Mr. Z was the final reason that helped me to have the courage to finally break up.

What Penny may not know, however, is that ever since the breakup, Mr. Z continues to do so much for me. To begin, I've realized that I'm healthier because of him.  Emotionally, spiritually, physically... I'm healthier thanks to Mr. Z.

At the emotional level, I feel such unconditional love, loyalty, and support from him. He is so excited to see me all the time, and his kisses are so true, so authentic, and so in-the-moment. Mr. Z wants nothing more from me than just me.  He has no expectations for me, no judgment toward me, and no conditions linked to my self-worth.  He likes me for me.  More importantly, it's my energy he wants, and my smell that he wants, and all the things that I can't change and adapt. Mr. Z doesn't care if I gain weight, if I'm dressed like a bum, or if I'm in a foul mood. He likes me for who I am: just my being.

At the spiritual level, I find myself living life in a more grounded and present way. When we take walks, I am seriously detached from work and stress and focused on our walk. I actually breathe in the fresh air and smell the roses. I slow down immensely to enjoy what is happening all around me.  I hear the wind blowing, I feel the movement of the grass, I hear the birds chirping, and I revel in being part of nature. More than anything, I enjoy watching him zig zag around smelling all the things that our human noses can't detect. I wonder what he smells and what he's dragging me towards. I love imagining what he's thinking, what he's dreaming, and what he loves, and what motivates him. When I am spending quality time with him, I'm completely removed from technology. I don't walk with my cell phone, I don't watch TV when playing with him, I don't work on the computer when brushing his hair.  It's just us and our energies together!

Last but not least, is the physical health that he brings me. The most tangible evidence is that I walk 100X more than I did before.  Each day, we take walks outside: in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bedtime.  No matter how cold or hot it is, we walk, whether it is for 15 minutes or sometimes up to 2 hours! The point is, Mr. Z makes me move my body in ways other than being hunched over my computer!  Diet-wise, I've also changed significantly because of Mr. Z.  My journey to Paleo is partly inspired by Mr. Z.  Even before adopting him, I did a lot of research on dog foods and what's best for him. I learned that the fewer the by-products, the better the quality.  I learned that processed foods is also bad for dogs, and that products like soy and corn are terrible for their health. On a weekly basis, I spend a lot of money on Mr. Z's foods.  I choose the best because I select items with the least amount of ingredients.  One of my favorite snacks for him is a duck and sweet potato cookie.  It is part of the "Limited ingredient" items and contains exactly what it should: duck and sweet potato!  When I began to re-evaluate my food options while working out, I've also realized that I should be a little more picky with my diet, like eliminate soy and corn!  And funnily enough, that's exactly what Paleo emphasizes!  Eat whole, unprocessed foods!  Eat organic foods! Eat simple foods! Eat like how I feed my dog?

Now why didn't I think to treat myself in the same way that I treat Mr. Z?

Hence... my quick switch to Paleo these days, and my motivation to eat simple, unprocessed, and organic.  I treat my dog so well and want him to be so healthy!  Why don't I do the same for me?  Also, when the weather gets really bad here, I also put him on the treadmill for 15 minutes a day.  Seeing how I value his daily exercise, I've also wondered why I don't prioritize my health and fitness!  Hence, the extra motivation these days for me to sign up for fitness classes and to schedule routine work-outs at the gym.

If I compared my lifestyle now to my lifestyle last year (pre, during, and after my breakup with B), the change would be substantial. Dramatic. Life-changing.  Last year this time, I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life.  I was heartbroken, anxious, scared, and completely and utterly alone in my shame and my unhealthy relationship.  I couldn't let go, I didn't know how to let go, and he wouldn't let me go. I detached myself from friends, I did no exercise whatsoever, and I ate very poorly.  My diet was so sad, pathetic, and painful for me.  I didn't eat what I want.  I didn't cook what I wanted. I had to cook for him, for us, and I had to make all these decisions based on what he preferred. I couldn't even have my own personal space to sit, reflect, or think-- because he would never leave me alone. His fears of being alone suffocated me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Yes, suffocating is the best word to describe the feelings he gave me.  In contrast to where I am today, where I am growing, thriving, and feeling myself recovering, I was in the complete opposite place just months ago: drowning, suffocating, and losing the will to even flail as I disappeared into the quicksand.

Thinking about all this brings back some pain, some heartache, and a lot of sadness.  I'm sorry I went through that. And I'm sorry I couldn't be where I am now.  But I'm also uber grateful for now, and uber grateful for the changes I've since made in my life. These days, my day-to-day life consists of joy, liberation, inspiration, and healthiness that Mr. Z gives to me. 

Thanks, Mr. Z.  This is my ode to you!

Healthy coping?

In my quest to cope with internship anxieties, I have really been actively pursuing my fitness and diet.  2 entries ago, I wrote about having a super-productive morning and making delicious food.  That was actually only yesterday morning, and today, I decided to make the same thing since my other pork chop was just sitting in the fridge!

I took pictures of my dish and present it below.  It's simple, fast, easy, and wonderful for Paleo eaters as well as anyone who simply likes meats and veggies together.  I also LOVE heavy breakfasts that fill-me-up, but anyone wanting to try this can eat this at any time: breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacktime, even!

Anyways, here it is: my yummy porkchop salad! (My apologies in advance for being a poor picture-taker.  This is why I'm not a food blogger and why I rarely post pictures)

I made this dish in less than 15 minutes.  First, I marinated my porkchop in Worcestershire sauce and let it hang out while I chopped up some red cabbage and tomatoes.  I had boiled some asparagus in hot water (for 4 minutes) yesterday and took it out of the fridge to add some color onto the dish.  Once my veggies were prepared, I grilled up my porkchop and ta-da! There you have it!

Because my porkchop wasn't marinated long enough, I decided to add some sauce to my veggies to give it some flavor.  I poured on some paleo mayo that I made a few days ago, and I am serious when I say that I can eat this day every. single. day.

My paleo mayo was an experimentation based on a recipe I read in another blog.  But because it turned out too salty, I also blended in some coconut milk and threw in a few slices of oranges to give it a sweeter tang and a saucy texture.  In total, I blended all of these ingredients to make this sauce: raw eggs, olive oil, dijon mustard, salt, cayenne pepper, apple cider vinegar, and then my own spin using coconut milk and some orange slices.

Delicious, I tell you! And beautiful to look at too, since I'm striving to eat a rainbow everyday to get all my colorful veggies and nutrients!

Why write about Paleo?

Just a quick note about me going paleo...

I feel vulnerable.

I'm just saying out loud so I can battle my fears.

I feel vulnerable sharing (with the world) that I am attempting a diet and trying to eat healthy.  I feel naked and exposed and fearful about failing and being witnessed to fail.  This is where chubbiness has its perks. If I act like I don't care about eating healthy, then no one will expect me to look healthy/fit.  But if I set a goal like going paleo (which is a HUGE deal), then there will be expectations..... and consequently disappointments.

I don't want to disappoint anyone.  I don't want to disappoint you, you, you.... or myself.  Because if I feel like I disappoint someone or anyone, I will feel ashamed.  And I do not want to feel ashamed.

Soo... the reason this paleo diet is relevant to my empowerment is that this is new for me. And potentially liberating.  Presently, it is terrifying.  I'm baring something new for me.  And I'm a little scared, a little hopeful, and a lot anxious.  I hope no one will point-a-finger at me if/when I fail to say, "but you said you were going to do ______, and you didn't. You failed.").  I don't want anyone to feel like I'm a failure, because as it is, I WILL feel like I've failed when I don't see results.

Nevertheless, I'm determined to do something new to be healthier.  I want to push myself to be physically healthier and to also be mentally healthier and more positive about me. I want to try risk-taking and sharing my flaws, my limitations, and my areas for growth. I really want to be empowered by this process.

Week 1 of Paleo

In my attempts to chronicle my striving to be paleo, I've taken pictures of the groceries that I purchased this weekend. If I haven't mentioned it already, the paleo diet also has a sustainability focus that encourages purchasing organic fruits and vegetables, as well as grass-fed meats.  So, over the weekend, I went to an organic co-op store and spent waaaaay more money than I ever thought possible to feed just one person.

I made special efforts to purchase foods I don't normally eat because come on! variety is the spice of life, right?  In summary, my purchases are organized below:

Veggies:
Kale
Red cabbage
Cauliflower
Onions
Asparagus

Fruits:
Apples
Oranges


Meats:
Grass-fed ground beef
Grass-fed pork chops
Canned sardines in water

After spending about 1 hour wandering in the little organic stores, I spent the next 5 hours cooking!  I made a cauliflower mash (which is the equivalent to mash potatoes), a stuffed eggplant (literally stuffed with its insides plus some onions and garlic), pico de gallo (using my onions and tomatoes from an earlier shopping trip), and some stir-fried ground beef with onions, garlic, and jalapenos. My last dish was a mixture of kale and button mushrooms. I still have 2 pork chops sitting in the fridge defrosted and just waiting for my next move.  I figure that will be easy. Some marinating in some sauce, and presto-change-o! I will have another source of protein.  I'm also waiting for another day to use my red cabbage to make some sort of slaw using paleo mayo!  The thought of making my own mayonnaise and creating my own slaw is too exciting-- and therefore, I must exercise my enthusiasm for later.

As it is, even if these dishes don't sound much, the extravaganza of cooking 5 dishes took me 300 minutes from start-to-finish.  300 minutes!!! As in 5 hours!!! I was exhausted afterwards, and even now I feel surprised by myself. I hope this paleo thing works out for me and I can maintain some shred of self-control when my sugar cravings dominate me.  I also hope I don't overeat because there's no mention of portion control anywhere on the paleo blogs that I've been surfing.  I would ask my trainer at the gym, but seeing as I've harassed him all weekend about food, I should probably give him a break.  At some point, though I have to address this issue of overeating. I've already found myself feeling extremely heavy in my stomach because of all this protein I'm consuming.

For once, I miss breads! And I sooo miss my cheese, my soy, and just my beans.  I crave sugar in an obsessive way too, so I desperately google youtube clips to watch cooking shows that encourage me to wait and cook later to make my own healthy sweets.

self control, self control, self control....