Disordered eating

I tried to continue my Paleo lifestyle during my mama's visit.  I resisted all of her attempts to feed me breads, sugar, sauces... basically anything that wasn't meat, vegetables, or fruit.

Throughout her trip, my mom kept telling me how "uncomfortable" she felt about my diet. In her opinion, removing anything from one's diet altogether is bad. And as I listened to her, I became more convinced that I should wean myself off of Paleo and return back to a well-balanced, well-rounded diet consisting of mostly everything (except sugars and other unprocessed foods).  What I mean to say is, I think it's time to re-introduce cheeses, grains (whole), and other natural carbs back into my system, including legumes.

My fear is that if I continue going Paleo, my body may start to develop sensitivities and allergies to foods that I'm not eating.  Because I started Paleo being able to eat everything, I don't want to create an intolerance because of such a strict dietary lifestyle.

So, as I'm weaning myself off of this diet, I'm surprised to find that returning to "normal eating" has been very very hard.  I can understand now, why some people describe their eating disorder to be the best friend and most loyal company they have.  Without Paleo for the past 2 days, I feel like I've lost structure in my day to day life. I've lost routine, I've lost direction, and I feel completely unsure and unconfident in my eating habits. There is no guarantee for anything and my body no longer feels pure. I feel like I'm gaining weight, even though I'm probably not. The perfectionist in me is screaming at me to go back to Paleo. I physically feel feel like I am dirtying my insides every time I eat foods that are non-Paleo.  This must be what an eating disorder can feel like, and I'm recognizing now, how much my eating habits were giving me a sense of control amidst chaos.

That's scary.

The more I read about healthy living and eating, the less guarantees there are about eating well.  Some say eat fruits and veggies. Other say, no no, you can only eat organic fruits and veggies.  Some say reduce your portions of red meat and other sources of animal fat. Others say, nono, pile on the meats or else you will lose your muscle tissues!

Apparently, there are no right or wrong answers to eating healthy, and it is based on one person's body type and knowledge of what is best for you-- specifically. At this point in time, however, I feel like there are very distinct right versus wrong decisions and I am either right or wrong. This mentality immobilizes me so that I'm in a state of fear... and hunger.

When did I become so dogmatic in my ways?

Time with mom

My mom came to visit this week and our time together flew by.

It's like she disappeared into the night or something-- I can't believe she came and went already.

This week, I completely detached myself from work, school, emails, responsibilities, and spent quality time with my mom. We had 4 days together, in total, and most of it was spent shopping, trying on clothes (often in my closet), laughing, eating, and talking. I enjoyed every single second of it, even though there were times when I was annoyed that she kept trying to (over)feed me.

My mom is my best friend and has always been-- since I was a kid.  I can do anything, be anything, and say anything around her. I can simply be, and I had forgotten how comforting it was to be able to feel at ease with someone else around me.

Before mom came, I had been a bit anxious about entertaining her.  But once she got here, that wasn't a problem whatsoever. Mom took care of me, instead. She bought me all sorts of things: groceries, to begin with! clothes! And she also got me a ton of cooking appliances that I've been secretly wanting and saving up for so that I can buy it for myself one day. My mom got me a juicer, a crockpot, and she also got me a scale.  I've been window-shopping for a scale for the past 6 months, actually, and it took mom being here for me to finally commit to one. Ha!

My best time with my mom was every single second, literally.  I loved cooking with her, eating with her, sitting in the car with her, and talking to her before we fell asleep at night. I miss my mom!

I mean, I really miss my mom! After waving her off at the airport, I walked back to the car, sat down, and burst into tears realizing how lonely I am, now that I have experienced a week of feeling immensely loved and accepted for who I am.

Moms are so special, and for me, she is truly irreplaceable. She is the person that tells me to stay being true to myself, and to encourage me and remind me of my strengths amidst my imperfections.  Basically, she tells me this (and who doesn't need someone to tell us that?):