A great day today

I have so many great news to share that I don't know where to begin.

For starters, I submitted my 241 whopping whale of a dissertation this week.  It is officially out-of-my-hands. Whoopee!!

I also had lunch with my adviser today and we talked about anything and everything.  Although I don't see him much, we occasionally have these meetings that just make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.  I suppose that in the 6 years that I've been here, he should know me.  Nevertheless, I'm always surprised when he says things to me that capture exactly how I feel, or exactly what's happening in my life.

Over lunch at this gorgeous Thai restaurant in town-- our annual Spring lunches, mind you, we talked about my dissertation, my plans this summer for internship, my attempts to be physically active and healthy, and we also talked about what's happening on the relationship front.  My adviser actually met B. that day when he randomly showed up in front of my office.  Before that, I had told him a bit about our relationship, so he knew the backdrop.  As we ate, he asked what happened after running into him, and if I'm officially done with that relationship these days.  As we talked, he shared that prior to meeting his wife, he has also had similar experiences like me, and he has known others who "take care of others before taking care of yourself."

I was so surprised that he hit the nail on the head.  How does he know me so well?

He knew exactly what my problem was/is, and not only did he understand it, but he was not judgmental whatsoever.  He was validating and he normalized my experience by sharing his own very personal experiences in relationships.  He said that many of us in the helping professionals struggle with finding reciprocal relationships because we simply have so much love to give (and we can sometimes give it to the wrong people in our personal lives). He told me stories about his own love life, and he talked about the challenges that he has struggled with as well. I have never felt as close to him as I did today.  And I felt so honored that he was willing to share it with me.

You now what else? I also grew from this experience just seeing him talk. When he spoke and shared his experiences, he did not talk with shame. He talked about experiences similar to mine, when an ex-partner under-appreciates you and treats you like shit, but you still want them at the expense of your own well-being.  What was also strange was that when I heard him talk, I didn't judge him either.  I didn't judge him in the way I would judge myself if it were my story.  Instead, when I listened to him, I saw only his strengths. I felt empathy but it wasn't pity or shame.  It was a kind of respect, validation, and understanding. Knowing his struggles made him even more human to me.

So since then, I've been wondering... why can't I see myself in that way as well? Why can't I view me as being "more human" than I thought? Why do I judge myself so harshly?

Tonight, I baked homemade organic cookies for Mr. Z with a recipe that I adapted from here.

I didn't follow the exact ratios, but I did come up with some awesome cookies in all sorts of shapes: xmas trees, gingerbread men, stars, hearts, a weird cross, a flowery circle... and Mr. Z devoured those cookies too, which has made me even happier because I was worried he wouldn't like them.

I'm actually flying on cloud 9 because of my conversation with my adviser today, my successful attempt at making homemade treats for Mr. Z tonight, and because my entire apartment currently smells like peanut butter and honey right now... which is absolutely wonderful.

Finding my inner-peace

I had dinner with a friend/colleague last night and unintentionally, we got to talking about deep-deep-deep issues about trauma, abandonment, love, loss, grieving, and searching for spiritual meaning in our lives.

Our get-together was somewhat surreal. It was very personal. I felt very vulnerable. I got to be very emotional. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way too.

At some points, I wasn't sure if I should share so much of myself.  I'm glad I did though. I actually learned more about myself as I talked.

I realized that I can reach a little bit of peacefulness each day... if I'm really in-touch with myself and really present in the moment.

On my walks with Mr. Z., I sometimes reach a different state of mind, where I am entirely immersed in my walk and with nature. I can feel the breeze in my hair, the sunlight hitting my face, the sound of the grass moving, and the chirping of the birds. It can feel magical to have so much of my senses activated.

In those moments, I can feel gratitude and contentment in ways I have never felt before. I can feel appreciative of where I am in life today. I can feel optimistic about the future (whatever that may come), and I can let go of the past as something far away from the here-and-now. I can just be.  In those few minutes that I am so in-touch with nature, I can feel a connection with the world, with humanity, with compassion. It can last for a split second, and rarely more than a couple of minutes.  Nevertheless, in that time frame, I realize realize that it is actually possible for me to be at peace.

Love, happiness, marriage

My girlfriends and I write to each other on a random basis. When things come up in our lives, we email and we ask about each others' perspectives.

This week, my elementary school best friends emailed to discuss the topic of marriage.  One of the girls has been struggling with dating and meeting guys that are a good fit for her.  She hasn't had many long-term relationships because it's been hard to "click" with someone beyond a couple of dates. As she talked about these challenges, she referred to facebook and seeing all these engagements and wedding posts and feeling bitter.  Why are other people getting married but not us? she asked.  How are people getting "that" when she feels so far away and so far behind from what they've got?

In response to her email, I wrote a long piece about my own thoughts regarding marriage. About love. About hope.  I also write about my life journeys being bitch-slapped by reality and instead of floating happily in love and/or marriage.

"... For me, I have equated marriage to all things magical.  Marriage means love. It means floating on cloud 9 and being happy all the time (I've learned that it's not). It means stability, it means unconditional give and take. It means meeting your other half and establishing a life together. It means commitment, perseverance, compromise, sometimes sacrifice, and ultimately, it means making an active choice to be with each other. It means open communication, respect for each other's values & decision-making, and it means loving (or trying to love) what's different than what you know.

Marriage is the "happily ever after" in my book, and it's what I've always imagined my ending to be.  Umm... wait, I take that back.  I never wanted it to be my ending, I wanted it to be my beginning, my middle and my end. Yeah.

However, as we've gotten older, I realize that marriage is actually not as magical as I thought I would be. And even more so, love is NOT the wondeful concept I projected it to be. 

Apparently, having to compromise and sacrifice is a shitty feeling that's only romanticized in chick flicks to make it seem like it's a GOOD thing. Trying to like what your partner likes is freakin' frustrating and annoying.  And sticking together through "thick-and-thin" can sound good but it blows because you just want to ditch them on the road sometimes. And then there's times when you don't even want to live by the morals and values you thought you believed in. You don't want to be open-minded anymore, and you don't want to try. You just want that other person to be exactly like you, think exactly like you, and just stfu and make you feel better. But they won't. So there's friction, friction, more friction, and you wonder where the love went. Well, that's love, my dears. Love (can) suck(s).  Of course then marriage can suck even more because you're committed to loving someone who you can't stand at times.

Realizing that love, marriage, and being happy is NOT the same has been the biggest surprise of my life. It's turned my world upside down, inside-out, and honest-to-God, I'm still reeling from the shock of it all.

In the past few years, I've learned that there are people in this world who are NOT married, but who have all of these wonderful things in their relationships that seem like the magical love that I imagine (lucky bastards!)  There are people who ARE married who have none of them (woe is them-- hello, reality). And there are people who think they are in love and have some of those magical things and also some of those shitty things (THE MAJORITY OF THEM!). So apparently, marriage is not the end-all-be-all when it comes to love and happiness.

I'm starting to get it when some people say they don't believe in marriage. I wonder about it now too. Who wants to handcuff themselves to someone else when when it's so much more relaxing to be on your own these days?

Still, there's the traditional, optimistic, and pathetically hopeful part of me that wants the whole enchilada.  I want to (still) believe that marriage can signify commitment, acceptance, perseverance, compromise, and happiness at the same time. I want to have all the things I didn't see in my parents' relationship, and I want to have all the things that I see in people who are happily together (married or not) and choosing each day to be together. Because I realize that it's so damn hard, I think it makes sense that even the screening process (aka dating) is going to be difficult.  Thank goodness ur not clicking with just anybody, _____ (friend's name)! Then you have to put-up-with-them months later, years later (That's what I do.  I click with anyone and everyone and then I suffer the consequences until I can no longer). The journey will only get harder, and if it's the right person, I think it's supposed to be more rewarding as well. So he better be worth it to make it to the final running!"

Re-experiencing friendships

I ended up going out with friends the other night-- friends who know my first love. It was fine, actually.  It was fun, surprisingly! I made a purposeful effort not to a) think about Robert or to even b) associate those friends with Robert. For the first time, I simply enjoyed going out with these girls, and I actually allowed myself to think of them as being more than just Robert's friends. Suddenly, they became more multidimensional-- their identities, their experiences, their jokes, etc.  The world seemed more multidimensional too, and it wasn't only about relationships and heartbreak anymore.  It was about their life experiences, job experiences, our dynamics in-the-moment, and our collective memories of high school and life ever since.  I think I can like them now... now that they are considered to be so much more than just my ex's friends.

Setting the foundation for a relationship

I drove out to the country this weekend to visit my ex-neighbor (and friend) Brenda, and her family.  I met Brenda about 6 months ago actually, when we found out we were neighbors living across the hall from each other.  She has these 4 amazing kids who are well-behaved, loving, and adorable. Other than that, we had so much in common and quickly soon-after, I found myself visiting their apartment frequently to say hi to the kids, pop-in for a snack, or to even drop-off desserts that I made and that I wanted to share.  About 2 months ago, Brenda and her boyfriend moved into a house where they merged together her 4 kids and his 2 teenagers.  To me, they are the modern-day Brady Bunch who are much younger in age and also of a different ethnicity.  They are also one of the best couples I have ever known: individually and together.  I love her boyfriend almost as much as I love Brenda!

In addition to bringing a home-warming present to Brenda, I also went to celebrate her recent engagement to her now-fiancee! Just 3 days ago, Brenda and her boyfriend went to Florida for a short, quick 3-day vacation and on that beach, he proposed to her!  It was exactly what she wanted: a private, romantic, and meaningful celebration! She was also surprised by his attention to detail, considering he got her a ring that was especially designed with sapphires around the edges (her favorite) and 6 surrounding mini diamonds to represent each one of their children! Her ring is gorgeous and is one of the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever seen.

So, yesterday, as we chatted over her homemade corn and chicken soup, I found myself feeling immersed in a household of love love and more love.  Just entering her house made me feel... special. Her 4- and 5- year old tugged at me to go play tea party and legos, and her older kiddos rushed over to play with Mr. Z. and to say long time no see!  Whereas I planned to spend a couple of hours at her place that night, I ended up staying until 4am-- exactly 12 hours-- just hanging out with her, her fiancee, and her kids.  We caught up on the last 2 months of our lives and talked about life, love, relationships, compromises, and being true to ourselves.  She talked about the love she has for her fiancee, and about the importance of respecting each other and accepting each other for who they are.  Brenda has survived multiple unhealthy relationships and fought hard to maintain her journey to happiness. She has finally found someone who love her for her.  And she has carried, with dignity, her values to love, trust, and believe in what is good without having to compromise her identity.  I know this all sounds vague, but what it comes down to is having values and self-respect.

To begin, Brenda reminded me that women are the ones who should be in-charge of setting-up how the relationship looks like with her partner.  Basically, we see how men treat one another.  We see how they talk to each other roughly, that they are socialized to show be stoic and emotionless, that they are callous at times because that is the definition of being "manly."  That is the male form of communication and if we want a relationship that looks different from that, then we must ask for it! Expect it! And implement the boundaries to ensure that we protect ourselves when we do not get it.  In short, we have to lead the way: to teach them about respect and to believe that we are deserving of others' respect and love.

As an example, Brenda talked about having fights in their relationship and mutually agreeing with her fiancee that it is unacceptable to ever engage in name-calling. Whenever one of them feels provoked enough to possibly hurl insults, they take a 15 minute time-out before re-convening to discuss the situation.  A while ago, when they were playing a game with each other, her fiancee had jokingly called her a "bitch".  She immediately stopped the game and had a serious conversation with him about the gravity of that term.  She felt disrespected by his name-calling and wanted to make sure it never happened again.  She reasoned that if you can use that term once, even jokingly, then it will be that much easier to use that label again when he is feeling emotional (i.e., mad) one day.  She said that even if he was saying that term in good humor that she had to stop it immediately to make sure he never uses a derogatory terms toward her again.  She had to set the standard from the outset, both for her own sense of self-respect and to prevent any deterioration in their relationship in the future.

At first, Brenda's fiancee was very annoyed by her rigidness and had turned away from her afterwards and told her she was too inflexible.  After all, she had stopped the game and made it so very serious when he was kidding!  He was annoyed at the interruption but she refused to budge. She maintained that she would not compromise on this issue!  It was a good thing too, because a few days later, he realized that she was right. He came to her one night and said he "got it!" He could see her perspective that name-calling, even in a joking manner, might open the door to future name-calling in a different context!

This example, although quite superficial by nature (since it is about name-calling) was actually very profound and made me think about the importance of setting boundaries.  When we say no the first time, then we set the foundation for how we can be treated in the future.  When we respect ourselves and trust ourselves the first time, we set the stage for how others treat us.  We set-up expectations for the relationships, and create standards for treating ourselves and one another.  We become models for the other person. We begin to help ourselves and our partners become better people and better partners

Thinking about this makes me wonder why I always took a backseat in my relationships.  Why did I always let my partner(s) decide what is "good" and what is "bad"?  Why was I always worried about his happiness as opposed to my happiness? Why didn't I ever think of my needs within the relationship? Why did I always consider only his needs, his wants, and his feelings in the relationship, and not mine our even ours? If I don't value myself and respect myself (because I'm always discounting me), then how am I setting a standard for anyone else to value and respect me?

A relationship takes work. effort. energy. compromise.  It takes leadership as well, and a lot of self-love and self-respect to know what is acceptable and what is not.  It take confidence to express what is healthy and what is unhealthy.  It takes boundaries to say when it is going well, and when it needs working on.  It takes 2, but it takes 2 people who are able to think of themselves as individuals and as a team.

I need to work on being a leader for myself.

Daily walks

Just changed my blog design!  I think I like it, but we'll have to see...

Later this afternoon, I'm going to take Mr. Z. on a walk with my pregnant best friend, Penny.  She's into her 12th week and her little baby has grown from the size of a peanut to a fig... and now a lime!

Thinking about the baby brings a smile to my face and reminds me of good, positive surprises that come our way. Remember when I cried and was upset about this significant change and what it would do to our friendship?  We actually hang out more now and spend more time together than before.

Here's a picture from last summer when I accidentally took a picture of myself with my phone.  I quite like this photo because it captures a cute skirt that I bought at a market in Taiwan. I use the same purse today because it's small and compact, and perfect for walks in the park.

The next few weeks will be busy for me but I will try to continue taking walks with Penny and her little baby.  And Mr. Z of course.  It is good self-care to get our bodies moving, to be healthy with a friend, and to catch-up with each other about our lives, our families, our feelings.