Valentine's Day Weekend Recap

I had the best Valentine's Day Weekend celebration ever!
Jay sent me a gorgeous bouquet of red roses the night before Valentine's day with a card that said:

"Sher, I hope you enjoy these roses. The first of many more to come! I'm so blessed to have you (and Mr. Z.) in my life. Will you be my valentine? -- Jay"

He told me it was an accident that the delivery came so early, as he planned for it to arrive on Valentine's day so that he could get here first and unwrap the flowers and have it in a vase and ready to hand to me, personally. If that's the not the sweetest plan ever, I don't know it is! At least, in my life, so far!

On the actual Valentine's Day (Friday), Jay got here just in time for me to whisk him away to dinner, where I wined & dined him over a 4 course meal. We sat on a beautiful balcony with twinkly nights and he said it was his first and only experience of being taken out and treated in such a special way. When we got home, I gave him a puzzle card, and in it, a riddle that I wrote:

"Riddle me this: you've lit up my life in H-ville, now it's my turn!"

He asked for another hint, to which I said: "our first date in H-ville," and immediately, he responded with "biking?" and he knew immediately that I had gotten him bicycle lights. He loved my gift! :)

On Saturday, Jay accompanied me to a cultural event and made my night. He did the same thing on Sunday morning, and I've since realized that I can be 100% myself when I'm with him.  Is this what it's like to find someone that complements you?

This Valentine's weekend, I felt like he was my shadow. I was no longer self-conscious or worried about having to entertain or host him. I felt comforted by his presence. I also felt comfortable being in my own skin... for the first time. 

In fact, late Saturday night, he worked on his bike in the living room while I baked doggy cookies for Mr. Z. and for Jay's brother's dog, Roscoe. We had the TV on in the background, we were both working in silence but contentedly with each other's company, and it was comfortable. We were in autonomous and doing our own thing, but we were also in synchrony.

This weekend was sooo great.

A great day today

I have so many great news to share that I don't know where to begin.

For starters, I submitted my 241 whopping whale of a dissertation this week.  It is officially out-of-my-hands. Whoopee!!

I also had lunch with my adviser today and we talked about anything and everything.  Although I don't see him much, we occasionally have these meetings that just make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.  I suppose that in the 6 years that I've been here, he should know me.  Nevertheless, I'm always surprised when he says things to me that capture exactly how I feel, or exactly what's happening in my life.

Over lunch at this gorgeous Thai restaurant in town-- our annual Spring lunches, mind you, we talked about my dissertation, my plans this summer for internship, my attempts to be physically active and healthy, and we also talked about what's happening on the relationship front.  My adviser actually met B. that day when he randomly showed up in front of my office.  Before that, I had told him a bit about our relationship, so he knew the backdrop.  As we ate, he asked what happened after running into him, and if I'm officially done with that relationship these days.  As we talked, he shared that prior to meeting his wife, he has also had similar experiences like me, and he has known others who "take care of others before taking care of yourself."

I was so surprised that he hit the nail on the head.  How does he know me so well?

He knew exactly what my problem was/is, and not only did he understand it, but he was not judgmental whatsoever.  He was validating and he normalized my experience by sharing his own very personal experiences in relationships.  He said that many of us in the helping professionals struggle with finding reciprocal relationships because we simply have so much love to give (and we can sometimes give it to the wrong people in our personal lives). He told me stories about his own love life, and he talked about the challenges that he has struggled with as well. I have never felt as close to him as I did today.  And I felt so honored that he was willing to share it with me.

You now what else? I also grew from this experience just seeing him talk. When he spoke and shared his experiences, he did not talk with shame. He talked about experiences similar to mine, when an ex-partner under-appreciates you and treats you like shit, but you still want them at the expense of your own well-being.  What was also strange was that when I heard him talk, I didn't judge him either.  I didn't judge him in the way I would judge myself if it were my story.  Instead, when I listened to him, I saw only his strengths. I felt empathy but it wasn't pity or shame.  It was a kind of respect, validation, and understanding. Knowing his struggles made him even more human to me.

So since then, I've been wondering... why can't I see myself in that way as well? Why can't I view me as being "more human" than I thought? Why do I judge myself so harshly?

Tonight, I baked homemade organic cookies for Mr. Z with a recipe that I adapted from here.

I didn't follow the exact ratios, but I did come up with some awesome cookies in all sorts of shapes: xmas trees, gingerbread men, stars, hearts, a weird cross, a flowery circle... and Mr. Z devoured those cookies too, which has made me even happier because I was worried he wouldn't like them.

I'm actually flying on cloud 9 because of my conversation with my adviser today, my successful attempt at making homemade treats for Mr. Z tonight, and because my entire apartment currently smells like peanut butter and honey right now... which is absolutely wonderful.