How do you prepare from being disappointed by your partner?
I tentatively asked Jay about his upcoming plans because I have a possible social event happening during the same week he'll have vacation time. He texted back to say he'll be going to his parents' home for the weekend but would love to attend such an event with me.
What a nice response. How disappointing it was for me. I felt momentarily devastated that he didn't say: "Come home with me for a few days!"
I'm also confused because I don't get why he would "love to" attend an event with me when he obviously has already made important plans!
I'm utterly disappointed which means I had a lot of hope. I didn't know I had such hopes! That's the most surprising part. So now I'm kicking myself for having been this hopeful. What the heck was I thinking?! Did I assume that by meeting his parents, he's now going to want to invite me to his childhood home? (secret answer = yes). While I'm partly mad at him, I'm so mad at myself for having an unrealistic expectation. I couldn't respond to his message, actually. It took me a few hours before I could provide a nonchalant text.
So, it's been hours later and I still feel crestfallen. This is why I should have continued to maintain the distinction between I" from "we" and "he" from "me." He made plans for his vacation and didn't include me. It's perfectly fine-- people should be able to make plans without each other, especially to hang out with their families!
I'm just disappointed because my expectations were obviously so different. How mortifying.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
Pandora's box
SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.
So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.
So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.
Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life. Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!
Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend. Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.
I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade. DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?
What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?
I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true. When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me. It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Loneliness in a relationship
One of the worst feelings to have while in a relationship, is loneliness.
I remember that feeling as having my soul sucked out of me: feeling like I am worlds apart from the person I loved even though I am sitting directly next to him or even laying in bed with him beside me. It's the worst kind of alone-ness one can feel.
Let me clarify that being alone is NOT the same as being lonely. There are plenty of times when I am alone and perfectly content. Being alone can be empowering and joyful.
But being lonely? That can never be empowering or joyful.
One of the perks to being single is never having to feel lonely when with somebody. If you feel unheard, uncared for, or underappreciated, then you can move forward and hang out with someone else. No harm, no foul. There's plenty of friends out there that you can make.
But when you're lonely in a relationship with a partner? It's like being in a black hole. There's no one else you can go to and share those feelings. If you did, then you'd be engaging in some sort of emotional cheating or infidelity. So, it's completely yours to bear, all that loneliness, sadness, isolation, and feeling like he is un-reachable to you. And you are also un-reachable to him.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Punishing him, punishing myself
I had a great 12-hour date with Jay when he drove up 2.5 hours on Friday night. I had a work event that night and he sat-in and watched. It was quite nerve-wracking since it is the first time he's ever seen me in my professional element. It was vulnerable and I felt that much closer to him.
We woke up at 5am the next morning so he can hit the road to make it to his professional event. "I'll text you when I get there," he said, as he opened his car door and gave me a knowing smile. He knew I would worry about his long drive, and it was comforting to know he understood that it mattered to me. "OK," I said casually as I thought about how lucky I was to have such an understanding boyfriend who care about me and my feelings.
Except, that he didn't.
And this was the 2nd time that he didn't follow-through with his words. So, a couple of hours later, I wrote a text that simply stated, "I'm going to assume you got there safely..." and I waited for his reply.
I waited and waited and waited.
Exactly one hour later, he wrote back an apology and told me how busy it was when he arrived! He also showed me a picture of the throngs of people he had to cater to.
After reading his response, an unexpected, guttural, and animalistic sound escaped me. It came from deep within my stomach and the anxiety coursed out of me. It was a sob and I cried intensely for less than a minute and shed only a few tears. I hadn't even known I was carrying that much anxiety.
I did not reply to Jay after that. For the rest of that day, I made a conscious effort to be unresponsive. I was too hurt and I was reliving the past.
Similar feelings of being tricked, betrayed, and beguiled came over me. When I was with B., I often felt like he had eyes only for me. It was later in my relationship that I learned the truth. That, the second I turned my back, I was out-of-sight and out-of-mind for him. Whatever promises, commitment, or loyalty he had toward me were now given to whoever woman he was setting his eyes on. I wondered; is this process identical for Jay? He had said to me: "I'll text you when I get there" and then forgot about me as soon as he left. When we're together, he treats me like he only has eyes for me! But when he's gone, obviously, I'm also out of the picture.
My mind reeled. My heart reeled. I felt sick to my stomach.
Late in the afternoon, Jay called to see how my day was. We generally don't call each other until nighttime, so I imagine it's because he thought my silence was unusual.
He was right, actually. I was in pain. But I wonder if I was also wanting to push him away with the pain. My silence was as much as my retreat as it was a punishment for him. Intentional or not, my action was my subtle way of saying: this hurts so much again and perhaps a bit of a fuck you.
We woke up at 5am the next morning so he can hit the road to make it to his professional event. "I'll text you when I get there," he said, as he opened his car door and gave me a knowing smile. He knew I would worry about his long drive, and it was comforting to know he understood that it mattered to me. "OK," I said casually as I thought about how lucky I was to have such an understanding boyfriend who care about me and my feelings.
Except, that he didn't.
And this was the 2nd time that he didn't follow-through with his words. So, a couple of hours later, I wrote a text that simply stated, "I'm going to assume you got there safely..." and I waited for his reply.
I waited and waited and waited.
Exactly one hour later, he wrote back an apology and told me how busy it was when he arrived! He also showed me a picture of the throngs of people he had to cater to.
After reading his response, an unexpected, guttural, and animalistic sound escaped me. It came from deep within my stomach and the anxiety coursed out of me. It was a sob and I cried intensely for less than a minute and shed only a few tears. I hadn't even known I was carrying that much anxiety.
I did not reply to Jay after that. For the rest of that day, I made a conscious effort to be unresponsive. I was too hurt and I was reliving the past.
Similar feelings of being tricked, betrayed, and beguiled came over me. When I was with B., I often felt like he had eyes only for me. It was later in my relationship that I learned the truth. That, the second I turned my back, I was out-of-sight and out-of-mind for him. Whatever promises, commitment, or loyalty he had toward me were now given to whoever woman he was setting his eyes on. I wondered; is this process identical for Jay? He had said to me: "I'll text you when I get there" and then forgot about me as soon as he left. When we're together, he treats me like he only has eyes for me! But when he's gone, obviously, I'm also out of the picture.
My mind reeled. My heart reeled. I felt sick to my stomach.
Late in the afternoon, Jay called to see how my day was. We generally don't call each other until nighttime, so I imagine it's because he thought my silence was unusual.
He was right, actually. I was in pain. But I wonder if I was also wanting to push him away with the pain. My silence was as much as my retreat as it was a punishment for him. Intentional or not, my action was my subtle way of saying: this hurts so much again and perhaps a bit of a fuck you.
Monday, February 3, 2014
When the boyfriend and parents meet...
I am eating the words from my last post.
My boyfriend and parents met each other this weekend.
The experience ended up being quite disappointing.
Mom and dad did not speak very much to him. Partly, that was due to the bustle of the city and the excitement of the nightlife and partying all around us. Another part of it was the language barrier and their unfamiliarity with English. Jay was quite shy, now that I think about it. But it's not completely on him. Both sides could have taken a more active stance in initiating conversations with each other. I did the best I could, but alas, it was... awkward and uncomfortable since it was just me pulling hard to no avail.
On Saturday afternoon, Jay drove to meet up with us a few miles out of the city so he could park his car and we could ride into town together. When he arrived, we swapped seats so he could drive my car since he knows the neighborhood better. As we sat in the front, mom and dad said barely nothing to him-- nothing in English, that is. I could hear them speak in my native tongue, though. Dad made comments about Jay's height, weight, speculating on numbers and making jokes throughout. It was rude, insensitive, and I was mortified. I felt incredibly protective of Jay after that, and when we took a walk together at the park, I pulled him to the front and we walked separately from my parents. At one point, my mom waved at me and told me walk faster. Can you believe it? She later told me she meant it as: lead the way. Sure, mom, as though that's really what you meant.
The rest of the night operated like 4 people on 2 different dates. I felt stuck-- in the middle of two parties of people who had no interest in getting to know one another. My parents didn't ask him any questions, other than "do you cook at home?" while I was in the restroom. As for Jay, he was also quite passive. He did not initiate asking even one question-- I didn't notice that about him until I talked with friends today and they suggested he might have been shy.
Jay gets a break on this though, because I continue to feel protective of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed my dad's evaluative judgment towards him. If anything, I feel like mama bear now. I left that date feeling even more nurturing of him, wanting to do more to take care of him, and feeling more committed to him to shield him from all negative energy-- including that of my parents'.
I drove home that night feeling disappointed, angry, and then even more disappointed in my parents. Why couldn't they have been more host-like?
I have since started doubting this relationship, wondering if the dynamic will always be like this if I date someone who's of a different race and language background as my parents. Was this meeting an omen of any relationship I have with someone who is not the same as me? Is this a sign of Jay and my incompatibility down the line?
Whatever the answer is, my heart feels gloom. I can't help but wonder if Jay feels what I feel now. I feel anxious thinking about his experience of our date, and his interpretation of what's to come. What if he doesn't want me after this? What if that experience was so blah for him, that he's also re-evaluating me and this relationship?
My boyfriend and parents met each other this weekend.
The experience ended up being quite disappointing.
Mom and dad did not speak very much to him. Partly, that was due to the bustle of the city and the excitement of the nightlife and partying all around us. Another part of it was the language barrier and their unfamiliarity with English. Jay was quite shy, now that I think about it. But it's not completely on him. Both sides could have taken a more active stance in initiating conversations with each other. I did the best I could, but alas, it was... awkward and uncomfortable since it was just me pulling hard to no avail.
On Saturday afternoon, Jay drove to meet up with us a few miles out of the city so he could park his car and we could ride into town together. When he arrived, we swapped seats so he could drive my car since he knows the neighborhood better. As we sat in the front, mom and dad said barely nothing to him-- nothing in English, that is. I could hear them speak in my native tongue, though. Dad made comments about Jay's height, weight, speculating on numbers and making jokes throughout. It was rude, insensitive, and I was mortified. I felt incredibly protective of Jay after that, and when we took a walk together at the park, I pulled him to the front and we walked separately from my parents. At one point, my mom waved at me and told me walk faster. Can you believe it? She later told me she meant it as: lead the way. Sure, mom, as though that's really what you meant.
The rest of the night operated like 4 people on 2 different dates. I felt stuck-- in the middle of two parties of people who had no interest in getting to know one another. My parents didn't ask him any questions, other than "do you cook at home?" while I was in the restroom. As for Jay, he was also quite passive. He did not initiate asking even one question-- I didn't notice that about him until I talked with friends today and they suggested he might have been shy.
Jay gets a break on this though, because I continue to feel protective of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed my dad's evaluative judgment towards him. If anything, I feel like mama bear now. I left that date feeling even more nurturing of him, wanting to do more to take care of him, and feeling more committed to him to shield him from all negative energy-- including that of my parents'.
I drove home that night feeling disappointed, angry, and then even more disappointed in my parents. Why couldn't they have been more host-like?
I have since started doubting this relationship, wondering if the dynamic will always be like this if I date someone who's of a different race and language background as my parents. Was this meeting an omen of any relationship I have with someone who is not the same as me? Is this a sign of Jay and my incompatibility down the line?
Whatever the answer is, my heart feels gloom. I can't help but wonder if Jay feels what I feel now. I feel anxious thinking about his experience of our date, and his interpretation of what's to come. What if he doesn't want me after this? What if that experience was so blah for him, that he's also re-evaluating me and this relationship?
Monday, November 28, 2011
Days 2 & 3 Back Home
I haven't updated for the past few days because I've been in such emotional turmoil. I am constantly thinking about my first love because everything I see/do/experience feels connected to him. On my second day back home, some of our mutual friends got in contact with me to plan a get-together. I was so excited and nervous at the same time because as usual, I wondered if they had any news to share with me about him. I also wondered how I would broach the topic, and I thought of all the ways I could seem less pathetic in their eyes for being so stuck on what happened 10 years ago.
In the end, I had dinner with those girls and got very little information. Towards the end of the night, when I couldn't imagine how else to weave his name into our topics, I just interjected and asked, "How's Robert? Do you guys know anything about him?" In less than 3 sentences, they simply said that they just saw him last weekend and that he's fine and is simply working these days. Period. End of story. Change to a different topic altogether.
I wanted so desperately to ask more and to get them to tell me more. What is he doing these days? What work? He used to be so passionate about graphic design but last I heard, he said he was switching to engineering to better financially provide for his mom who was diagnosed with cancer. Is he doing engineering now or graphic design? And if they saw him last weekend, was it because they were celebrating his birthday? Because his birthday was 2 weeks ago and I hope he had a celebration and he was surrounded by loved ones.
Alas, I said nothing and held my tongue. These girls are not my friends. They are with him and they will tell me as little as possible. And as usual, I went home disappointed and regretful of the dinner outing because I feel worse than ever. I mentally give myself a swift kick in the butt to remind myself that this happens every. single. time. I always go out with these girls hoping to learn more, and end up having a miserable time throughout our dinners and biting my tongue from asking all that I want to ask. I always worry about their judgment toward me and what they might tell Robert later on. I fake laughter and poise to hold onto the last shred of dignity I have. Even though deep down, I am yelling and screaming and begging for any information possible about him. Desperate for anything that can help me be connected with him again or at least feel like I understood what truly happened between us.
In essence, I came home and cried and cried and cried.
In the end, I had dinner with those girls and got very little information. Towards the end of the night, when I couldn't imagine how else to weave his name into our topics, I just interjected and asked, "How's Robert? Do you guys know anything about him?" In less than 3 sentences, they simply said that they just saw him last weekend and that he's fine and is simply working these days. Period. End of story. Change to a different topic altogether.
I wanted so desperately to ask more and to get them to tell me more. What is he doing these days? What work? He used to be so passionate about graphic design but last I heard, he said he was switching to engineering to better financially provide for his mom who was diagnosed with cancer. Is he doing engineering now or graphic design? And if they saw him last weekend, was it because they were celebrating his birthday? Because his birthday was 2 weeks ago and I hope he had a celebration and he was surrounded by loved ones.
Alas, I said nothing and held my tongue. These girls are not my friends. They are with him and they will tell me as little as possible. And as usual, I went home disappointed and regretful of the dinner outing because I feel worse than ever. I mentally give myself a swift kick in the butt to remind myself that this happens every. single. time. I always go out with these girls hoping to learn more, and end up having a miserable time throughout our dinners and biting my tongue from asking all that I want to ask. I always worry about their judgment toward me and what they might tell Robert later on. I fake laughter and poise to hold onto the last shred of dignity I have. Even though deep down, I am yelling and screaming and begging for any information possible about him. Desperate for anything that can help me be connected with him again or at least feel like I understood what truly happened between us.
In essence, I came home and cried and cried and cried.
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