Separation anxiety

Dogs have separation anxiety, children have separation anxiety, but adults?

I feel so hollow each time Jay leaves me my place.
That emptiness affects me so much so that I'm useless and non-functioning.
I generally go to sleep whenever he leaves, waking up anxiously and intermittently to check to see if he's texted me to let me know he has gotten home safely.

On days that Jay leaves, I'm always unsure of what to do with myself: I'm aimless, purposeless, and it's pathetic because I'm a professional with TONS to do.  But when Jay enters the picture (and leaves), it's like I never existed before him.

He left around 6:30pm last night and I climbed onto the couch to watch TV.
I fell asleep and woke up freezing, so I fumbled my way into the bedroom and went to bed... for the entire night.
For 12 hours!!!

That was how avoidant I was about his absence.

Loneliness in a relationship

One of the worst feelings to have while in a relationship, is loneliness.

I remember that feeling as having my soul sucked out of me: feeling like I am worlds apart from the person I loved even though I am sitting directly next to him or even laying in bed with him beside me. It's the worst kind of alone-ness one can feel.

Let me clarify that being alone is NOT the same as being lonely.  There are plenty of times when I am alone and perfectly content. Being alone can be empowering and joyful.

But being lonely? That can never be empowering or joyful.

One of the perks to being single is never having to feel lonely when with somebody. If you feel unheard, uncared for, or underappreciated, then you can move forward and hang out with someone else. No harm, no foul. There's plenty of friends out there that you can make.

But when you're lonely in a relationship with a partner? It's like being in a black hole. There's no one else you can go to and share those feelings. If you did, then you'd be engaging in some sort of emotional cheating or infidelity. So, it's completely yours to bear, all that loneliness, sadness, isolation, and feeling like he is un-reachable to you. And you are also un-reachable to him.

Re-creating closure

I've been feeling crazy lonely these days, which is strange because up until recently, I was enjoying my alone-ness and feeling empowered about being happily alone.

The more lonely I've been feeling, the more vulnerable I've felt.  And the more vulnerable I am, the more I've resorted to thinking about Robert.  Which makes me wonder... which came first: the chicken or the egg?

For me, does vulnerability come first and then my thoughts about breakups? Or do I think about breakups first and then feel vulnerable afterwards?

I spent the past few nights crying about Robert.  Why? No reason. No reason, whatsoever.

It all started when my mom brought up Robert in our phone conversation the other day. She casually mentioned that we were actually quite similar and that she is just as perplexed about him as I am. I was shell-shocked because for so many years, she's always said we were ridiculously opposites of one another and it could have never ever worked.

As she talked, I started to get emotional, wondering about all the should haves, would haves, could haves.  I cried and cried when I went to bed that night, feeling haunted by our relationship, and feeling broken-hearted about how we ended.  At the very least, why aren't we friends? At the very least, why couldn't be at least amiable to each other?

For 3 nights in-a-row, I cried and cried about Robert and had imaginary conversations with him about our breakup. I imagined shaking him and asking the Robert I used to know to come back so that I can have just one more conversation with him.  I remember when I saw Robert a few years ago, I couldn't connect with him and starting into his eyes was like looking into the eyes of a stranger.  It was heartbreaking, as if a different soul possessed his body altogether.

I just need to say goodbye to him.  That's what I need.  Because Robert and I ended so strangely, so abruptly, I think I have no closure from him, no matter how hard I have tried to create it by myself. So I laid in bed the other night telling him goodbye and telling him that he was so meaningful in my life, and  that he continues to play such an important part in my sense of identity and my feelings of self-worth as a person. I cried as though we were just breaking up and I fell asleep surrounded by kleenexes, kleenexes, and more kleenexes.

In the light of day, however, I couldn't understand why I had been so devastated the night before. What happened? What happens to me at night?

Loneliness

I have been feeling somewhat lonely these days.

There are (too) many engagements happening around me.
Many babies being born.
Several weddings taking place.

In short, many people are starting their families. Starting and/or expanding.

As I revel in their joy, I can't help but feel very alone and very lonely.
No, I do not want to talk on the phone.  I have nothing to say.
I do not want to eat-out and catch-up because there is nothing to update.
I don't know what I want. I just feel very unique... in a bad way.

It's like I can't relate to anybody these days.

When I have moments like this, I can't help but wonder: Will love find a way? Will love find me and my way?

Trauma Bonds

I have been thinking about this topic for awhile now.  During my relationship with B., I had a vague sense that I was deeply attached to him for the wrong reasons, but I just didn't have the (whatever it is) to pull myself out.  The worse he was to me, the more I needed him.  The more he criticized me or criticized things surrounding me, the more I felt the need to please him-- all the while hating him inside-- but feeling compelled to make him proud of me at the same time.

Also, the worse he was, the more I needed to be with him.  That was how I felt anyway.  Sitting amongst friends, I would think about him and feel an urgency to rush to him.  Instead of enjoy the company of those who love me and who give me support and fun, my mind will always wander to B. and the need to quickly leave so I can be with him.  Ironically, I always left fun, relaxing atmospheres to get to him, and it was always utterly disappointing to rush there only to find him drunk, manic, depressive, inattentive, yes, always in this combination!

So the worse our relationship was, the less I talked.  The less I shared with friends.  The less I went out with friends. The less I thought about how I feel.

Which is why I have this blog now, and which is why I was so pleased to find this website today, when I googled trauma bonds:

http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/

I mostly know all of the facts and information.  What was most helpful for me was reading people's comments and feeling like there was support across all of our experiences.  What may be uniquely shameful to you is something that we have all experienced in some way, shape, or form. None of you are alone.  I can relate to your experiences and I hope you know that you have ever been the only person to go through what you have/had gone through.

Pain

Sometimes, I don't have the words to express how I feel.  That's when I rely on music and lyrics to let myself sit and cry with someone else.  There is something very comforting about someone else singing about your feelings and your pain.  I feel less alone and I feel validated that someone in this universe can relate to extremities that I experience internally.

Here is a song called "Grenade" by Bruno Mars.  I listened to it towards the end of my relationship with B. and cried boatloads of tears, realizing that this was THE defining song of our relationship.  Here I was, giving up everything for him, sacrificing my own values, beliefs, my own world, my own social life, for him because he was my world!  Meanwhile, I was simply an object of convenience for him.  A good toy to play with while he was here, offering good entertainment for the time being until he could go somewhere better. Below is also what the artist, Bruno Mars, wrote about this song:

"Today, I get to share with you the visual companion piece to my new single, 'Grenade.' The song is about loving someone so deeply, and the pain of knowing that the person you love does not feel the same. The actions in this video serve as a metaphor, and should not be taken literally. I am aware of the power of visual media, and I encourage everyone who watches this video to understand that it is an artistic interpretation of the song, and not something to imitate." -- Bruno Mars