The cost of my experiences

When I say those 2 words: boyfriend, relationship, I feel dazed at first. Like I'm dreaming or talking about someone else. But within a millisecond, I feel jolted awake, as though someone slapped me to remind me of what's to come.

The term "relationship" and "boyfriend" conjures feelings of devastation. Like, I'm spiraling down soon and awaits me is imminent devastation and inevitable pain.

Yes, I am in a relationship. 
Yes, I have a boyfriend.

In my head, an evil part of me laughs and tells myself that I am re-signing my contract with the devil again. I am inviting myself to be broken by someone again.

Fuck.

It has been years since my last relationship but the damage to my livelihood, my happiness, my ability to love-- remains. I have not recovered or forgotten. My scars seem faded because I stopped focusing on them. But upon touching those areas, you will see that my wounds are still open, the pain still raw.

Why can't I be normal and happy?
Why can't I simply bask in the joy of being with someone?

Plus: What does it mean to have such strong reactions? Are my feelings simply a reminder of my past? Or do they also serve as as omens for my future?