Disgust

I feel disgusted by B.
Having been broken-up for exactly 7 months (as of yesterday-- wow!), I don't understand why he keeps trying to be connected with me.  In as many social networking sites as possible, he's been showing up in my email inbox, with headings that say "_____ wants to be in your circle!"  Whether it's a professional networking site or just a personal group, like google plus, he's been adamant about pushing his way in.  Much like before, he is not taking "no" for an answer and he is imposing himself into my life, my space.

This feeling is similar to that of being... raped.  I don't mean to offend anyone who actually has been a survivor and a victim of physical rape.  But I feel so invaded, so powerless, so targeted, and so disgusted.  I feel disgusted at him and at myself for having been with him and continuing to be something he wants in his life.

This time around, I am different. I will not succumb to him because he wants it.  In the past, when I have said "no no no no no", he had ignored me altogether and continued to do what pleases him. When I have said "let's break up", he will act like I never said it and come back the next day all smiles.  When I have caught him cheating with other women, he will also act like it never happened.  When we have gotten into huge blow-out fights, he will ask me 1) if I'm upset and 2) what is wrong? -- because he hasn't got a clue as to why I'm not super happy.  That's the manipulative thing about B.  Does he really not know?  Or does he feign not-knowing so he can masquerade happiness in his own life-- and impose that fakeness into mine?

In truth, I tried to break up with him several times before officially cutting ties 7 months ago.  In most of the times that we got back together-- it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to be together.  It was because he wouldn't let go of me, and he wouldn't let me live my life until he was back in it.  I felt so stuck. I felt so so trapped.  My "no"s have never meant anything to him, and I feel a familiar sense of sickness in my stomach when he does the same thing today--- except in cyberspace.

My greatest fear is that he will show up at my door one day.  He will have a genuine, heartfelt smile plastered on his face, and he will run up to me arms wide open being ever so happy to see me.  He will want to touch, hug, and tell me how great it is to see me.  I know with 100000% certainty he will act like nothing has happened and that I haven't been so severely damaged by him and our ex-relationship.  And as for my emotional responses?  I will freeze.  I will want to squeeze into myself so that I am not touched by him. I will feel dirty and disgusted by him.  I will also feel invalidated for all the heartache and resentment I've experienced throughout the relationship-- because his avoidance of it will be his way of saying that my pain didn't happen.  His avoidance altogether is his way of erasing a history that has been so salient during the past 2 years of my life.

The thought of this scenario makes my skin crawl.  As I am typing, my stomach is tightening up and my heart is pounding faster and louder. I feel an intense warmth spreading throughout my abdomen-- a very powerful sense of... anger, maybe? frustration?  Nono, it's anger alright.  I want to shove him far far away from me, whether it's in cyberspace or in real life.  I want to never see him again, never hear him again, never have to co-exist in the same place as him.  My anger has come alive, after 2 years of being with a womanizer.  My anger, as of recently, is finally here.

Perpetrator

I couldn't sleep last night.  Again.

I laid in bed for a few hours, tossing and turning, and eventually crying.

I thought about my relationship with B. and how my identit(ies) have changed since him.  I especially thought about adding "sexual assault victim" in my identity and how uncomfortable that feels for me.  How unfitting that seems, because I didn't even know at the time.

What else will I discover about myself that I don't know?  B. has already taken away so much of my self-concept, self-esteem, identiti(es), and my sense of trust in the world and in myself.  This additional domain of being a perpetrator and victim in the bedroom is just too overwhelming for me. Too intense for me to even accept as part of my reality.

Looking back, "perpetrator" is the best way to describe him because he does exactly that: perpetrate. He invades and pushes himself onto me in so many different ways, in so many different domains, with no regard for anything that I have ever had to say.  He has no respect for my boundaries. He completely trespasses me in all the times I have said "no".  It's as if the more I say "no", the more he will push and shove his way into getting it--- as if to prove to me that he WILL always gets what he wants no matter what.

"No, stop, don't touch me."  Immediately after, he will poke me 3 more times.


"No, stop calling me. It's over." A few hours later, he will be calling and calling and calling me.

"No, I don't want to go there."  He will cajole and manipulate so that I eventually go there.  And by go there, I mean nightly liquor runs because I detest those kinds of trips and he knows it.

The perfect example here is him calling over the past few weekends.  When we broke up, I made it explicitly clear that I wanted absolutely no contact from him.  I even said I would call the police! Still, he called me 3X on the morning of my birthday and for 2 consecutive weekends after.


It's sick.

He is sick.  

And because I was with him for such a long time, I feel very sick, too.