2 ex-boyfriends, 1 dream

I am super stressed and super sleep-deprived.

I am attempting to finish my big ol' dissertation in the next week, and the all-nighters are killin' me!

When I did sleep for a few hours the other day, I spent it dreaming... specifically, I dreamt of 2 ex-boyfriend attending 1 party with me. Can you say total craziness?

This is what I remember:

I'm at someone's house attending some sort of brunch party or afternoon lunch/dinner party.  It must be Spring-time because it's a sunny day. There are giant windows in the house and tons of natural light streaming in.  I'm standing in a beautiful kitchen, exactly the kind of room I would like when I own a house one day.  Around me, there are lots of people chatting, holding wine glasses and sampling finger-foods and other delicious appetizers.  There are tulips in the garden and I can see the lush green grass and the budding flowers beyond the windows.  It is a gorgeous day and people are dressed as though they are celebrating Easter (so weird because I have never celebrated this holiday in my life!).  Pastel colors are everywhere and even I, myself, am wearing something light, colorful, festive, and pretty.  I am wearing the kind of dress or skirt that looks whimsical and magical and flows all around you. It's a really classy party and everyone there looks dolled-up for the event.

There are tons of food and wine on the island in the kitchen and I'm resting my elbows on the bar, listening to friends talk.  As I'm listening, my eyes dart behind them, looking for someone.  Why? Because just now, somebody told me that Robert is here. Without compromising my dignity or my rational thoughts to run into every room, I've decided to stay still and do exactly what I was doing:  I'm hanging out with friends.  But I'm also looking for him as hard as I possibly can, and I'm SO hoping that I'll soon "run-into him."

The anticipation of seeing Robert gives me such an adrenaline rush that I take a few breaths before turning around to scope out the other side of the room. I'm excited, nervous, happy, a little scared, and more than anything, I'm curious!  I'm so curious!  What does Robert look like now? How will our interaction be when we do eventually meet face-to-face?  If Robert is attending a party, he must be in a good place! I can hardly contain my excitement. And when I do turn around, there he is, a very familiar face looking right at me.  But it's not Robert.  It's not Robert at all. Who do you imagine is standing right there? B.


I am incredibly shocked (in a bad way) and totally confused.  I was anticipating feeling surprised, yes. But the surprise should not have been him, and the surprise also includes frustration. Of all the events to intrude on, this should not be one of them.  This event (and even dream) is about Robert.  I feel irritated that B. is here, stealing the spotlight. Right then and there, I realized I was dreaming.  There is simply no way both of them can show up in one place.  The combination of them 2 in one place is slimmer than none; it is my two separate universes overlapping each other.  I'm disappointed and annoyed now because this dream was about Robert.  My subconscious was all about Robert. So why in heavens is B. here?  Why is he ruining a dream that is hopeful, exciting, nerve-wracking, but also good at the same time?  So rarely do I dream of Robert.  Why did he have to take that away from me?

For some reason, the B. in my dream is less aggressive than he usually is. In turn, I feel less-disgusted with him than I feel in real life. I actually wonder if he can be my friend. I decide to take the risk and tell him about my history with Robert. I ask him to help me, and I ask if he's seen Robert at the party. I'm trusting him with my history, and I'm taking a leap of faith that he can be there for me, as a friend.

Instead, B. mocks me and tells me to get-over-it and to move on. He advises me to stop looking and to stop caring. It's a pity I'm wasting my time on someone like Robert. He laughs at how naiive I am and looks at me quite pitifully.  Instead, he suggests, why not go him? As my most recent ex-boyfriend, he's a sure thing and he continues to want me. But Robert? An ex-boyfriend from 7 years ago? That's a gamble that I wouldn't want to take. At first, B is joking as he says this. But soon he gets more serious about me leaving the party with him. He is annoyed that someone else is in the picture (other than him).  He now wants me more than ever, simply because my heart is no longer his. I consistently say no and keep my focus on Robert, but he will not stop asking me.

Frustrated with my rejections, B. attempts to threaten me by saying he'll disappear forever if I continue to reject him. I do not fall for his manipulation and I tell him great! please leave! B. tells me that it's not worth it to wait around for Robert and that I should appreciate him for being here, instead. He then threatens to blow my cover by telling Robert that I'm around and looking for him, and that's when his threat works and he has my full attention.  I cling onto his shirt sleeve and look him dead-serious in the eye. "You wouldn't!" I gasped, my heart pounding and my disappointment rising as I think about the hope I had for him being my friend and helping me. He grins at me, shrugs, and walks away. 

I turn back to the big windows, to the kitchen in front of me, and I wonder how I look from B.'s perspective. Am I as pathetic as he thinks? Still, I continue to wait and I continue to hope about Robert. I wonder if B. has left the party and if he is gone for good. I had hoped he could help me. I had hoped we could have some sort of positive ending someday. Suddenly, in that very moment, I feel very alone, even if I'm surrounded by room full of happy, chattering people.

As the dream comes to an end, I see the scene pan out.  I'm still standing in the middle of the large kitchen, gazing out the window on the other side of the room. It's still a beautiful day, and this is a beautiful house with amazing food, people, and conversation. There I am, holding a glass of wine, some appetizers in a plate, looking pretty on the outside, but feeling anxious inside. I am waiting. There are many friends and acquaintances near me, chatting, having a good time, catching-up, and enjoying one another. Although I stand amongst them, seemingly happy, I am simultaneously reflecting, watching, and trying to absorb everything around me.  I am happy too, I think, but I am also feeling the exhausting of waiting.

What does this dream mean!?

Week 1 Reflections

Yesterday morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream having to do with my first love, Robert.

I dreamt that my dad needed to go to a city near where I live, so we packed up the car and drove a very far distance to get to where he needs to be.  We stopped to have lunch at this restaurant-- and in that restaurant, I saw Robert, serving the meals there because he worked as a waiter.  We made eye contact but we both acted like we didn't know each other.  At one point, I asked if he could bring us some napkins, but we didn't really look at each other during that encounter. Afterwards, when we finished eating, we left and came back home.  In my dream, my grandma was upset that we didn't take her, so we decided to make the trip again.  We drove to the same city (which is actually 15,000 miles away-- oh dreams!) and we stopped at that same restaurant--this time for dinner instead of lunch.  Again, I see Robert there and I now feel self-conscious about being there. I'm nervous about about him seeing me again and thinking that I have returned just to see him. I avoid eye contact as much as I can but every so often, I sneak glances at him.  The restaurant is some sort of Asian restaurant, serving Vietnamese food but having Thai designs throughout.  There is Indian music blaring and people are dancing in their saris.  The activity makes it easier to sneak peeks at Robert without being too obvious.  When dinner is over, mom, grandma and I get ready to leave.  The thought of Robert thinking I'm a stalker is too much to bear, so I march over to him and set him straight.  I say to him, "Look, I'm only here again because my grandma really wanted to come here to eat.  I want you to know that I didn't come back here for you.  I only came for the food and it just so happens that you're here too."  In my dream, Robert doesn't say anything and I decide to conclude our conversation with a final goodbye.  I tell him that it's unfortunate that things are the way they are now.  "We could have been friends, Robert. It  didn't have to be so dramatic so that it's now weird and awkward and uncomfortable to see each other. I don't understand why it had to be this way. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I just think it sucks that we can't even be friends, we can't even be amiable. But it is what it is and I can finally accept it now. I finally get it and I'm fine. So, goodbye."  And I turn and walk away.  I don't wait for him to respond.  I don't hope for some kind of reconciliation or even closure.  I walk away and I do not look back. I do not look back.

Then I woke up.

This dream is so meaningful to me because it signifies closure... I think.  In all the years that we've been apart, I've dreamt about him and fantasized about him, and all of my imaginings entail reconciliation.  No matter how I've tried to explain it to myself, I've always ended up envisioning us together.  Not once have I ever ever ever ever ever thought to myself: "this is it."  But over the past few weeks, because I've really been thinking so much about him, I am gradually accepting that this could be/is the final outcome for him and me.

I am starting to accept that there is no happy ending for us, that there will never be a closure for us, and that he will never return to give me the explanation I've been waiting for all these years.  Acknowledging this scenario has set me free in many ways.  To begin, I'm not miserable everyday because I'm thinking/wondering/missing him whenever I'm in my hometown.  Thus far, being at home has been good and I've been living in the present.  I haven't had thoughts that start with: "if Robert and I were together, then we would be doing _____." I have also made the conscious effort to make plans only with the people that I consider to be my friends.  I am determined to only go out for fun and not for information-digging about Robert.  I want to go out with people who help me re-charge and who help me feel invigorated about life.  I do not want to go out only to feel drained and disappointed because I am with them purely to gain more information about Robert.  Still, Robert's friends already heard that I am back in town and have tried to set up get-togethers last week.  I politely declined their offers and postponed them because I wasn't/am not ready.  I only want to go out with them when I can enjoy spending time with them without thinking about their connection with Robert. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me.  When I can see them as my friends (rather than his friends), then I'll go out with them.  When I can maintain inner peace without relying on them to fulfill a hole inside me, then I'll allow myself to be with them.

All of these are pro-active steps that I am taking to move-on from the first love of my life.  My dream has further confirmed that I am on the right track and furthermore, that I am making progress.  For the first time ever, my subconscious is letting him go and accepting that there is nothing between us anymore.  In my dream, there are no tears, no dramatics, no demand for explanation, no apology, no reunion.  There is only awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a reclaiming of my dignity and a chance to say bye.  Wow, I can't believe that I'm even writing that: "a chance to say bye."  Never in a million years did I think I'd ever have to say "bye" to Robert because I thought he'd always be in my life.  The truth, however, is that he isn't in my life, hasn't been in my life, and will probably never be in my life ever again.  That's still too hard to accept at this time, so I'll take what I have so far and be proud of my current progress.