Compassion

If I've gained anything from my relationship with B., it would be compassion.  Compassion toward others who are in unhealthy relationships, compassion for those who isolate, hide, and have shame in themselves, and in general, compassion for people who make decisions that aren't good for them.

I didn't have that compassion before.

I didn't have it for others because I could not understand the feelings they were experiencing, the internal conflict they were facing, and the indecisiveness.

I have memories of clients talking about infidelities and vowing to leave their abusive partners time and time again.  I remember feeling frustrated when they would return each week, disclosing how horrific their partners were and then doing nothing about it.  For me, it was frustrating and incomprehensible.  I used to think to myself:

  "We just spent 50 minutes talking about the awful things he has done to you.  Why isn't that enough motivation for you to leave?"

I felt sorry for my clients, sure.
I felt allied with my clients.
I felt frustrated for my clients and sometimes I felt like I knew exactly how they were feeling.

Unfortunately, I could not sustain that feeling for long because at some point, I would feel frustrated toward them. I'd feel annoyed that they weren't leaving. I mean, after so many sessions, they are still doing the same thing in their lives and not making any changes in their relationships. Looking back, no matter how much I wanted to help them, I think I lacked an understanding of what it is truly like to be in their shoes.

Today, I have newfound compassion; and it is still a process for me.  This compassion is not so much about other people, but more towards me, and then in turn, for others. Especially towards others, I find myself being less judgmental, less surprised about the choices they make, and more able to put myself in their shoes without thinking:

 "If it were me, I would probably do ____ (instead)." 

Instead, I am more able to accept people as they are without immediately thinking about how they can be better. I am more compassionate with others because I am (and still striving) to be more compassionate with myself. I am trying to be more understanding of why I dated B. to begin with, how I stayed for so long with him, and how I was able to give up everything I loved and believed in (e.g., friends, foods, my own values!) to be with him. I am trying to accept myself for all that I am: I am someone who is more ashamed than I would to be.  I am more judgmental than I'd like to be.  I am less accepting of myself than I thought I would be.  I'm trying and sometimes it's hard.  It's hard not to criticize myself endlessly for the bad decisions I have made.  It's hard to accept that when facing struggles, I can successfully deny reality and avoid problems until they are so big they swallow me whole.  It's hard to realize that my coping mechanisms aren't working and that I tend to emotionally eat.  It's hard to admit that I am sometimes lonely and feel incompetent and unworthy.

With all that said, realizing these parts of me-- even though they are parts I hate -- have helped me become more accepting of me.  At least I will admit these are problems that I have.  At least, I am open to accepting flaws in me rather than denying them altogether.  And by recognizing my flaws, I am also more able to accept others without judgment, and without wanting to "fix" them.  This compassion for others reminds me to be able to do the same for myself: Sit with myself, learn about myself, accept myself, and not necessarily do anything in the moment.  Just be.  Don't fix, just be.  At least for now.