History of self-doubt

It is incredibly difficult for me to trust my perception of the world and the interpretation I derive out of what I perceive.  I think this is why I need so desperately to say aloud all the things I think and feel and see.  When things don't make sense to me (e.g., a break up, a conflict with a colleague or friend), I feel the need to tell the story as many times as possible to analyze and re-analyze the situation with as much objectivity as possible.  I want to tell several people about what happened. At the same time, I want to be as detached from the story as possible to avoid biasing their opinions.  I want to paint a neutral picture so they can decide what is "right" or "wrong".  I need them to tell me what is right or wrong because I don't know.  I don't trust my instincts and I don't know if my perception was actually reality.

My first-love haunts me in this way because I don't trust myself and my memory of what happened. I must have been incredibly emotional so was my perception really true? Did I interpret him correctly? Did I convey myself as clearly as possible?  I get caught-up in these details and can't remember what happened or why we really broke up.  My greatest fear is that Robert may have explained why we broke up.  Maybe he did it in a really unclear manner, but the point is that he might have done it but I didn't hear him.  Maybe I just didn't hear him because I was overwhelmed and emotional? I don't know.  I really don't know how it all unfolded other than growing emotional distance, frustration, tolerance, and impatience between us.

After we broke up, I think I was also feeling all of these feelings below:
a) angry at him and all of his negativity toward me
b) confused & needing time to step-back and figure out what happened
c) embarrassed to call him because I was so confused
d) self-blaming because I felt like I wondered if I did something terribly wrong
e) humiliated to ask him what/how/why I was wrong and why we got where we were
f) heartbroken because he was acting so differently from the person I fell in love with

In any case, it took 4 years later and an act of impulse to call him and to ask why.  WHY?  And I still don't think I got the answer(s).  Although I can't help but wonder if there will ever be an answer that will be enough for me.   I don't know.  I just don't know.