Day 1 back home

Today is my first full day back in my hometown.

On the way to lunch, my family and I drove by my first love's house: a gated community that I used to drive in and out of (very frequently) during my high school years.  It's been awhile since I drove down that street.  It's been awhile since I've looked longingly at the houses on that street. Since I have been romantically involved with others for the last few years, I've stopped thinking about him as anything other than my past.  Rather than dwell on the whys, what-ifs, how-comes, and if onlys, I've thought to myself quite smugly that I'm over it and have moved on!  I've focused on the present instead, and I stopped wondering how he's doing, what he's doing, and where he's doing it.

It is a good and bad thing that he lives in a gated community. In all honesty, if it weren't gated part, I would have surely stalked him at some point to verify that he's a) still alive and b) still existing. I certainly would have done some sort of drive-by to see if he's still here.  If he's still on this earth.  If he's alive.

Right after the breakup, or more honestly speaking, right after we stopped talking, I wondered if maybe something terrible and dramatic happened to him.  I envisioned different soap opera storylines all with the same endings: he loved me and wanted to protect me so much that he had to disappear for awhile. I wondered if something terrible happened and he wanted to overcome it before coming back one day to explain it all today.  Maybe he was dying from some terminal illness and didn't want me to know about it.  I also wondered at some point if he died.  Oh, the drama in my head.  The multitude of stories I created trying to make some sense about what had happened.

Never in a million years did I suspect that he just fell-out-love with me or that he was too overwhelmed to want me in his life.  I never thought I'd be a burden in his life.  Shouldn't I be a support? Shouldn't I be the foundation and pillar of love and support for him?  The rock that is there for him when everything and anything goes wrong in his world?

Apparently I was none of the above for him.

But at least I didn't cry about it this time. Not today, at least.  Today, I just found myself reverting to what I was like post-break-up.  I went shopping with family and found myself looking around wondering if he might be there too.  I went to lunch and wondered if he might be there eating too.  I glimpsed at cars in the parking lot and remembered running into his mom in the same spot a few years ago.

For the first time in several years, I found myself looking for him today. Again.