Short-term future plans

I am going through an existential crisis. I'm past my quarter-life crisis, but this might as well be it.  Having finished all my interviews for clinical internship, I am now faced with ranking each site and waiting to see if I will "match" with one of them.  Exactly half of my sites are near home, and the other half is spread throughout the country.  Depending on where I go-- even if it is just for a year-- I feel that my decision-making process is an existential and spiritual process towards self-exploration.

The people who understand me understand the magnitude of this decision.  Going home for me means many things.  It means facing my fears of being in my hometown (Robert-less).  It also means confronting my assumptions that being home will mean reconciliation with Robert.  These last 2 sentences were pretty contradictory so I'll explain.  I always thought that Robert will "one day" give me some sort of explanation about what happened.  I envisioned getting-back together afterwards (because in my head, Robert can do no wrong) and living happily ever after.  As such, my entire premise for going back to my home state is, in many ways, for Robert.  Nono, let me rephrase, it's to pick up my life back with Robert.  I hate to admit it, but I harbor guilt and responsibility for our breakup.  I wonder if I never left home for college, if we would still be together. I wonder if I am responsible for creating that emotional distance because I was certainly 100% culpable for the physical distance.  And if I am responsible for something breaking, then aren't I equally responsible for the fixing?

Going home means repentance, in many ways. It means I can undo what I think I've done.  But what have I done?  I don't entirely know why Robert and I broke up, so it is illogical to think I can fix something that I don't understand. So, the conflicting truth is that going home means having to face being useless and powerless in fixing the situation. And going home means having to re-establish a life and an identity separate from the hopes of "what-if" with Robert.

While my decision lasts only one year, I still feel like it has serious long-term implications on my life.  I don't care as much about professional development.  That seems to come more easily for me.  What's challenging is my personal life! I thought that by this time, I would have met my soulmate! I'm supposed to be committed in a long-term relationship!  I should have some idea of where I'm going to permanently reside one day... shouldn't I?

Alas, I feel like a nomad-- which I really am, because no place is entirely my home.  My childhood home is on one side of the country. My college years which were my first years of living away from family are on the opposite side of the country.  For the last half of the decade, I've been somewhere in-between the two places, equally far away from both sides, yet feeling equally content here as I would be anywhere.

What does the future hold for me? And where will my future be? I thought I would have someone make that decision for me.  The coward in me has assumed that my parents would want me to be closer to them.  I also envisioned a long-term husband to have some preference as well!  But neither are the case, and I am as free as a bird!  What a privilege! What a honor! What loneliness, too.