Worthiness

Have you ever seen statements or heard people talk about feeling "worthy of being loved?" Especially in self-help books or in psychology, I hear that all the time... feelings of being worthiness especially when it comes to significant romantic relationships. I confess that it seemed like mumbo-jumbo to me! Talks of self-worth, worthiness, self-care, love yourself, all that touchy-feely stuff.  But recently, I've begun to realize that my feelings of insecurity and my fears of abandonment are all rooted in my feelings of worthiness.

Without even knowing it, my fears have played out over and over in my head:

"Am I worthy of love?"

"Am I worthy enough to be loved by someone?"

Before, I would have laughed these questions off and said "heck yeah! no doubt about it!"  I am fortunate enough to have come from an intact family with members who love each other very much. I have amazing friends who serve as my second family. And even amongst strangers, I can quickly develop relationships and connections that feel enriching to my soul.

But in a romantic relationship with my partner(s)-- past and current-- the answer is probably no.

I live in perpetual fear that they will leave. That their responses reflect some form/evidence of inevitable abandonment. Just today, my partner, let's call him B, called to see if we will see each other tonight.  I am currently swamped with work, but I did think about blowing it off to spend time with him (I've done that sooo many times in the past few years) before deciding that I should be rational for once and stick to MY plans.  Surprisingly, he was OK with it and proceeded to tell me who was next on his list to call.  Since I can't hang out tonight, he will find someone else. First, he will call his friend Nate! Or perhaps Dan! If neither of them can make it, he'll check out what Jonathan is doing!

My response? OUCH. 

Now let me be clear about something. I am perfectly happy to have him hang out with friends when I am unavailable. In fact, I am the one who encourages him to reach out to others. And the other thing is that I ALWAYS make myself available when he is "bored" or "wants to do something".  Today = exception. Today, I said no for the first time and I realized that he didn't even care that much, and that he even had a list to go down to find the next fun entertaining thing/person. His way of delivering the message or planning his social event tonight really bothered me.  It pulls out all of these familiar familiar feelings of feeling replace-able. Feeling like I am second-best. Feeling like a convenient play-thing that entertains him until the next next new shiny thing comes along.

I often feel this way: like a toy of convenience until something more fun, less boring, better, comes along. It doesn't help that he has cheated in our relationship, of course. But even before him, I have had inklings of these feelings.  They just happen to be in full-force now-- in this relationship.

So going back to feelings of self-worth...

do I feel worthy of being loved by a partner who accepts me unconditionally and who will choose me instead of that blingy, flashy new toy (that seems to be better to me in my mind)?--- NO. No, I don't. I don't feel like he will stick around long enough, or that he will even stick around once he realizes that I can't adapt to him.  I have this feeling that as soon as he realizes who I really am, he will run. Not even run, but he will want to get away from and never come near again. He will realize that I am not fun enough. pretty enough. exciting enough. I am not as adventurous as him. As feisty, perhaps. Whatever it is, I just anticipate being discovered one day that in some area(s), I am simply not good enough.

Time to laugh at myself now. Is this the reason I am in crappy relationships with partners who are oftentimes crappy? If I don't think I am good enough for the mediocre guys, can you imagine how great my self-doubt would be if I were in a relationship with Prince Charming?