Losing myself in this relationship

Is anybody reading this?

The worst part about being lost in my relationship(s) is that I have lost my identity and also my voice. I've lost my voice. What do I want? What do I need? What do I prefer? How am I feeling? These are such good questions because I haven't asked myself any of this in such a long long long long time.

Writing has been my attempt to have a voice again: to write out loud all the things that I haven't expressed and haven't known that I had. It is empowering to know that there is a space for me to have my own thoughts, beliefs, dreams, wishes, fears, and feelings. And if someone/anyone could benefit from my words and feel less lonely because they see that others have similar experiences, then that is GREAT! What more could I ask for? But mostly, it's for me.

Last week, I went to see my therapist and recounted an experience between my partner and myself. At the end of the story, she simply looked at me with sad eyes and gently said, "Wow. You have completely abandoned yourself in this relationship." 

In response, I vehemently denied her claim and argued that not only did I NOT lose myself, but that I have a strength and it's that I am good at adapting to situations. I have always been wonderful when it comes to adjusting my needs according to those around me and have always considered myself to be high on empathy and perspective-taking. I went on and on for awhile until I eventually stopped to realize how emotional I was feeling and how defensive I felt toward my therapist. Here she was, trying to help me see how lonely I've been, yet it became so clear to me that I was fighting her in the same way that I fight myself. I have adapted and I hate to admit it. I have adapted and now it feels like I can't go back. I have adapted and adapted and adapted sooo much and so many times.

• You want to sleep on my side of the bed? OK. I guess I can adjust to sleeping on the other side. It's really not that big of a deal.

• You want to re-arrange the furniture because you don't like it this way? OK. It's just furniture, who cares.   

• You want to eat 3 hours later than usual because that's when you're accustomed to eating? I guess so. I'm incredibly hungry and try to snack every few hours, but if you prefer eating right before bedtime, I suppose I could rearrange my entire schedule to cook at 9pm instead.

I have lost myself. I have said yes too many times and I don't even know why. It just came so natural at first and seemed so innocuous. But yes, I have lost myself. I don't know what my needs are anymore. What I prefer. What makes me happy. I may not have abandoned myself in one go, but I did it in little increments, until I've strayed so far away now, that I don't know where to find myself again.