Leaving and being left

I have... a boyfriend. The word rolls off my tongue awkwardly and I can't help but feel like an imposter. A boyfriend, as in someone who is supposed to be committed to me, likes me, wants me, and chooses me.  "Boyfriend."  The last time I had one, he did none of the above and broke my heart in a million pieces. He betrayed me over and over again until I was too broken to sustain a relationship with him much less with myself.

My current boyfriend, Jay, is amazing, though. In the 4 months that we've dated, he has nourished my soul and made me feel hope again. Jay is consistent, attentive, open, and happy. He is a happy guy. That is so refreshing and exciting to me. Already, he has opened his world to me by introducing me to friends and family. With Jay, it's not just words. His actions speak volumes and are always consistent with his words. He opens the door for me each and every time we go out. He hugs me and kisses me spontaneously and frequently. He calls. He texts. We skype. We make love, and not just sex. He makes 2.5 hour drives each weekend to see me and to spend a few hours or at least 1-2 nights together to show me I am important to him. His consistency heals my wounds and his easygoing presence makes me feel freer than I've ever been. When I'm with Jay, I can be myself. I even forget sometimes that before him, I had been broken and unsure if I could ever open my heart again.

We never had the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship conversation. We just became it. Sounds easy, right? Not at all. Not without anxiety on my part, of course. Last week, I asked to confirm our status and he looked at me incredulously and said of course we are, why would I think differently? Little does he know how much courage it took for me to even utter those words. "Uhh... we never talked about it?" was my response. "Oh" he said. "But I have referred to you as my boyfriend, just so you know." To which he said, "Yeah, me too." (And then we laughed because apparently I am his boyfriend too)

The problem with this wonderful, loving, healthy, happy boyfriend is that his future is TBD. Now that I'm out of graduate school, I finally have some stability in my life. For him? He is in his last & final year, meaning the future is still completely unknown to him.

On our way to the airport in December, while driving me so I could go home to see family, we talked about his graduation plans. I asked questions and he answered. He dropped the bomb on me that he may be graduating this summer, and he does not know where he'll be next. Unofficially, he has received offers already to do research in another part of the U.S. He also has an amazing offer to do research in Europe with a group that is supposedly stellar in his field. Yes, Europe. The one across the ocean and in a different part of the world.  My heart plummeted when he shared this and I simultaneously wanted to cry and throw up at the same time.

Since then, I haven't asked him any questions because I am too terrified and immobilized. Last year, when I was deciding on leaving the city, I had the same options open to me, and similar conversations with those I was dating at the time. I still remember the looks on their faces when I told them, and the anticipated urgency I felt to alleviate their fears. I hope to stay here. I'd prefer to stay here. If there's a reason to stay here, I would...

This time, it's me on the receiving end. I'm the one with the fear on my face, the blood draining out of my body, my knees weak and my stomach doing kicks and flip-flops. In the car, Jay had squeezed my thigh and said he would like to stay nearby rather than leave. I hope to. (squeezes my leg). It's what I'd prefer. (squeeze again). As he smiled at me, I felt numb inside. I managed to maintain a casual expression, all the while thinking: it may not be an option and... is this sayonara soon?

So, this is what it's like on the other side.
This is what it feels like to be the person left behind, rather than the person doing the leaving.