Journey to self-compassion

Me? Have power? In a relationship? For the most part, the relationships I struggle with are romantic. Until recently, it didn't occur to me that I had any power in my relationships: to be mad, to leave, to do whatever it is that I feel or think because in a "good" relationship, others' needs come first. Isn't that the essence of a healthy relationship? Compromise? 

So, when disagreements come up, I end up wanting the other person to be happy and wanting things to be OK so I bend over backwards and take the blame. I swallow my feelings of injustice and hurt, and I push forward with whatever it is he wants because I want peace and it feels easier to comply than to rock the boat. I constantly walk on eggshells, not in terms of any physical danger, but because emotionally, I am always scared and fearful of him leaving and of me feeling abandoned. I am scared even when when he is mean. Cruel. Taunting. In relationships such as these, my partners are usually unbelievably sweet, kind, and romantic when thy want to be. So I ride the ridiculous roller coaster that can be excessively high and excessively low. Unpredictably so, he can be my knight-in-shining-armor.  In the next moment, he can sound as though he is an evil stepmother or stepsister. And because I want everything to be OK, and because my partners have generally come from backgrounds that have trauma and substance use, I rationalize to sacrifice myself: my thoughts, my feelings, my voice, my identity, my entire being-- because my boyfriends have tended to prefer being in the spotlight and with me on the sidelines: seen but not heard. They need the ego boost, not me.

What a delusion that is, believing that I am stronger than my partners when they are the ones that have hurt me. But the thing is, I'm not always the only casualty. I know that my current partner is unhappy, but it's too scary to leave, so we stay. We stay in an unhealthy cycle of resentment and dependency and what we think is love but sometimes borders on such intense dislike that I wonder if it could be hate. From both of us.

So I have to wonder why it is that we victimize ourselves. At least, speaking for myself, why is it that I have such low self-worth that I'm afraid to leave. To be the one that admits it first, or that leaves first? Why do I feel guilty thinking about leaving those who are mean, alcoholics, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive? And why is it that I have just as strong of a fear that he may leave and abandon me? Why do I continuously choose such unhealthy partners who make comments that belittle me, who chip away at my sense of self-esteem, and who eventually lead me to critique myself and my worthiness as a lovable human being?

So, I created this blog because I want to begin/push through my painful journey of realizing my role in relationships. But rather than punish myself and blame myself for choosing partners that have emotionally hurt me, I'd like to to re-frame my relationship with myself to become more compassionate. I don't want to feel so ashamed anymore. I don't want to feel shame all the time for staying in a relationship or for thinking about leaving. Rather than blame myself, I'd like to believe that from now on, I have the power to recognize what is healthy versus unhealthy for me: 

What are the things that I consider to be acceptable versus not acceptable when it comes to making sacrifices to make someone else happy? And what are my deal-breakers when it comes to screening out the people I allow into my life? In order to answer these questions though, I have to first find a healthy relationship with myself that is grounded in compassion and self-acceptance so that I can recognize that I am worthy of being loved. I need to find empowerment from within, and this is something I didn't know I had to work on in my relationship with myself.