Double-dating with brothers

One of the best parts of yesterday was spending time with Jay's brother and his girlfriend, Cathy. They joined us toward the later part of the night so we had dinner together. They've been in a 3-year long-distance relationship so Cathy has had extensive history with both brothers and their parents! She talked at length about how great their parents were, and how excited she was for me to meet them this weekend. As though I wasn't already secretly excited, her enthusiasm was got me even more pumped! I couldn't be happier luckier that Cathy will be in town so that we can spend time with their parents together.

Toward the end of dinner, I excused myself to go to the restroom and Cathy asked to join me. In that short amount of time, she detailed to me, her relationship history with Jay's brother and their plans to be reunited in the next half-year. She also asked about Jay and my plans for the future, to which, I couldn't answer her question.

All I could say was that our relationship is new and I'm not sure what the future holds. Having been in my predicament in her relationship, Cathy expressed empathy and said that it was similar when she first met jay's brother. She exhibited such excitement for our relationship, exclaiming how cute we were as a couple and how evident it is that Jay and I like and enjoy being with each other.

While we were in the restroom, I also blurted out to Cathy how intimidating it is to date Jay given his previous relationship being 10 years-long! How do you follow something like that? Cathy's reaction was magnificent though. At first, she was surprised that it was such a long courtship between them. Then she added, "oh, but she was a bitch!"

As petty, un-feminist, and embarrassing as it is to admit-- I was so pleasantly surprised to hear such a negative reaction of Jay's ex Apparently, based on Cathy's report, Jay's ex-girlfriend was quite vulgar and would curse in front of their parents! Of course, I can't confirm if that's actually true. However, it is quite appalling to imagine such a level of disrespect. Additionally, it's nice to have something to be able to differentiate myself from her; knowing I could never do or say anything like that.  

But then again, I also wondered if anyone would ever describe me that way: vulgar.  I want to say no, but my humor can be pretty crude and my jokes can be perverted. Is that the same as vulgar? I hope not! I'd really like to be different from his last girlfriend.

Cathy was very expressive about wanting to spend more time together to talk about the brothers. Her openness, friendliness, and enthusiasm was contagious and fun. She already feels like a little sister and at the end of the night, my friends remarked she could be my potential and future sister-in-law. They were joking when they said this of course-- but my heart skipped a beat and I wondered about the possibilities...  I do love double dates and group outings; and yesterday was the best of everything and more.

The upcoming weekend is quickly approaching and I am so excited to spend time with what could potentially be my future family. (Is that so exaggerated and dramatic?) I am pretty embarrassed and excited at the same time.

Being taken care of

I celebrated an entire day of festivities with my friends and Jay yesterday.  I've never partied with a boyfriend before. In fact, it's amazing not to date an alcoholic (ahem, B.). There was no need to worry about anyone engaging in self-destructive or other-destructive behaviors. In fact, I was able to let-down my guard to have a good time. I even let myself get a little tipsy and allowed him to take care of me!

Jay took care of me in so many ways that I felt warm and fuzzy:

1. He let me wear his raincoat all day even though he must have been cold in his measly little windbreaker in almost-freezing temperature.
2. He zipped me in-and-out of his raincoat whenever the temperature changed.
3. We shared drinks and he held hold our beverage the whole time because my hands were cold and he was wearing gloves.
4. He let me run around, jump up & down-- all the while watching from behind and being a secure base for me to return toward.
5. He also got some great throws from the celebration and gave me all his goodies!
6. Towards the end of the night, when we progressively drank more, he held onto me to make sure I wouldn't fall.
7. He drove in from one hour away to party with us; and then drove home almost 18 hours later by his lonesome.
8. He paid for dinner, as he always does.

It was so hard to say goodbye to Jay at the end of the night-- especially knowing he would be driving alone for the next hour while I had my group of friends for company. When we drove to drop him off at his car, I leaned over, kissed him, and told him those 3 little words again. He responded with "I love you too" before planting a kiss on my lips and then thanking my pals for the drop-off. When he climbed out of the car, I figured he'd give one final wave to me before walking off.  Instead, he leaned in for a goodbye kiss, after which he returned to say: "just one more kiss" before his lips claimed mine again. My heart fluttered and melted at the same time, and I metaphorically felt like putty in his hands.

As we headed back home, I fell asleep throughout the 1.5 hour drive back, feeling enveloped in love, affection, and being taken care of. I was so content, warm, and fuzzy, and I thought to myself, "I have the best boyfriend in the entire world." I can't believe I'll be meeting his parents this upcoming weekend and I'm so excited to see where he came from and the people who made him so special!

Pandora's box

SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.

So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.

Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life.  Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!

Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend.  Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.

I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade.  DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?

What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?

I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true.  When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me.  It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.

I can't breathe.

If love is like a drug...

If love is like a drug, then spending the weekend with Jay is like getting my fix.  Once I get my dose, then it's no more anxiety, no more insecurity, no more fear.  Once I'm with him, my heart is at peace. My body is relaxed. I even find myself sleeping better, which is strange because I have never slept well with anybody in the past.

This past weekend with Jay re-charged me so that I feel only contentment and stability.

Friday night, I arrived late and we got to spend some time hugging and kissing before we ran some errands for Saturday's party. I was exhausted and it was so great to go to bed together.

Early Saturday morning, we woke up so he could make his infamous pico de gallo while I showered and got dressed for the party. We spent the next 12 hours partying with his friends: drinking, eating, laughing, dancing... I basically met all of his friends and he later told me they all liked me! One of the other girls also told me in-secret that Jay must really like me. At the beginning when we first started dating, he would reveal nothing to them, other than "her name is Sher." They doubted my existence until I met them at another event a few months ago, and had thought "wow, she's pretty too!"  (NOTE: This is the best compliment I've ever gotten-- ever!). Jay's friend added that he talks about me all the time these days and is never in town because he is driving to see me. She asked if I would occasionally drive to them so we can hang out, and she joked that Jay should share my contact information so they can contact me to do fun things together. Granted, she was in a drunken haze while she was speaking, but it was still so flattering and so exciting that she kept saying how cool I am, and how much she wants Jay to bring me around more.

While we were celebrating on Saturday, I learned a lot about Jay. He fell from a porch in the middle of the celebration and rolled onto the grass before jumping back on his feet and climbing back onto the porch pole. It was such a slow-motion fall, and his return was so fast that people didn't have time to react (Jay often gets hurt so he's mastered the art of falling, and even during his fall, I felt only helplessness and also a bit of awe). It was the first time I've seen Jay so proud. I've always thought he was less focused on ego, but his fall showed me exactly where his sense of self-concept is. When people rushed over to see how he was doing, he held his hand up as to say, "back off NOW" and very quickly returned to his original position back onto the porch. While subtle, it was his pride saying, pay no attention here!-- and he was loud and clear. His silence was intimidating and my maternal instincts had to jump back so that all I said was: "are you OK?" and then backing off completely. I later told Jay about my perception of him, to which he repeated: "yup, that's why I think you totally get me."

After an entire day of festivities, Jay and I also ended up making love-- and I say that phrase specifically because I actually said the 3 little words in the middle of that activity.  I'm quite embarrassed by it because I've always thought that saying such intimate words during the act was somewhat lame.  But I did it, and it came out impulsively, assertively, and without apology. In the middle of our lovemaking, I had grabbed his face and said, "honey, I love you" without worrying about his reaction; and just as quickly as those words came out, he replied, "I love you too."  It was lovemaking, and it was just me and him in the world. Afterwards, we slept for about 11 hours because we were so exhausted!

On Sunday, we spent the day lounging at home, eating omelets he made, watching tv shows we liked, and then having dinner with his brother and brother's girlfriend. I left later at night and continued to feel secure, probably because I know when I'll see him next and because he has invited me to meet his parents! The plan for this upcoming week is this:

• Tomorrow, I'm seeing Jay because the celebrations reign on and we are meeting mid-way so that he can celebrate with me and my friends this time around. 
• I'm also driving down this weekend to see Jay because his mom and dad are coming and he would like me to meet them!

I'm exhausted, excited, and relieved all at the same time. I'm so tired that I slept 9.5 hours after driving home last night; and even then, I still feel utterly drained. The sheer exhaustion must be due to the accumulation of last week's anxiety and the week before.