My resolution for the upcoming year (and remaining days of this month) is to go on an adventure! The journey I'm embarking on is self-exploration, and it is the start of what will certainly be a life-long quest to having a better understanding of me.
With all the intense processing and grieving I've been going through, I have decided that it is time to stop analyzing myself with a critical eye. I mean, self-analysis and self-reflection is good. But it's time to stop being judgmental, condemning, and condescending to myself.
For as long as I can remember, I've been a reflective person in the sense that I am really good at scrutinizing myself. I actually take the time to deal with questions that I have for myself, which have to do with: "How did I mess that up? What did I do wrong? How could I have done that better? What should I have done differently? What would anyone else do? What would most people do? What is wrong with me that this ended up badly? How can I fix myself so I don't make the same mistake again?"
This is how I talk to myself all the time. This is how I've been reflecting for the past decades, under the guise of self-reflection, self-help, and self-improvement.
I see now that my "growth" really hasn't been a positive, encouraging, reinforcing, or even pleasurable experience. What I've done is critique myself harshly by giving me the permission to judge myself with no holds barred and to let loose my tendency to bask in self-contempt. I thought that blaming myself and changing myself would be the best form of growth for me. But what's actually happened is that I've nurtured self-blame, self-hate, and self-criticism. I've felt perpetually terrible about who I am as a person, and have tried to compensate in every which way. I change myself as much as possible to make a situation better, to make someone happier, to please some other entity because my perception of myself is not good enough, not worthy enough, and based on external criteria.
I didn't even realize how much self-judgment I had until recently. Thanks to blogging, journaling, processing with friends, going through meta-reflection, and also going to therapy, I see now that what I was doing was quite unhealthy. For the past 7 years, I've tried to "grow" by compensating for whatever it is I did that led to me and Robert's breakup. Without knowing why we broke up (and I never will), I took on that responsibility, 100%, and attributed all the problems to me-- whatever they are/were. I assumed that I must have been too demanding, too selfish, too busy, too whatever-- so that is why Robert left me. I blamed myself because that was the only way I could experience some sort of control over what was unpredictable and uncomprehensible to me.
Well, no more self-blame. I am deciding to respect that Robert is a grown man capable of making decisions for himself. I will borrow from the medical field in which there is a belief in client autonomy because each person is assumed to be responsible for their own decision-making. Robert ended things with me by choice, not by circumstance or situation. For so many years, I assumed it was anything and everything but his choice. I imagined that his choice was to be together forever, but that external factors drove us away from each other so that we had to wait to reunite one day. I realize recently, that my mentality was unreal and simply untrue. Our breakup was not due to circumstance, it was/is a choice that Robert made-- and therefore something that I must respect. Just like we respect opinions that we don't agree with, I have to respect his opinion in which it is acceptable to break up without having an excuse. I have to live with this reality anyway. And I can either let that fact be his decision or I can attribute to a never-ending list of my shortcomings.
As I think about it in this new way, I choose to believe in his decision-making and therefore, I choose to finally let go of my idea of "us". I choose to focus on me more positively from now on, without the intense judgment and contempt that I have always had for myself. Of course, I will continue reflect on my relationships with people and my role in each of those dynamics. But I will not assume that I am always to blame. And I will not assume that something is wrong with me and needs to be changed.
Because I am embarking on an adventure that is focused on "exploration"-- I will not assume anything, I will simply explore without any judgment. I will explore me and what even means! Who am I? What are my beliefs? What are my core values? What are the things that cannot be compromised? What do I like to do? What do I not like to do? What makes me happy? What doesn't make me happy? What are my priorities in life?
I am sure that as I move through life, these answers will change because I will evolve. But that I'm even asking these questions is a wonderful and conscious start to self-exploration, self-curiosity, and self-learning. I cannot fathom being in another relationship without knowing myself more. I cannot fathom losing myself in another relationship, and relying on another person almost exclusively to help me feel whole. I absolutely need to know who I am so that I can know what feeling whole will feel like-- what being me feels like.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Week 1 Reflections
Yesterday morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream having to do with my first love, Robert.
I dreamt that my dad needed to go to a city near where I live, so we packed up the car and drove a very far distance to get to where he needs to be. We stopped to have lunch at this restaurant-- and in that restaurant, I saw Robert, serving the meals there because he worked as a waiter. We made eye contact but we both acted like we didn't know each other. At one point, I asked if he could bring us some napkins, but we didn't really look at each other during that encounter. Afterwards, when we finished eating, we left and came back home. In my dream, my grandma was upset that we didn't take her, so we decided to make the trip again. We drove to the same city (which is actually 15,000 miles away-- oh dreams!) and we stopped at that same restaurant--this time for dinner instead of lunch. Again, I see Robert there and I now feel self-conscious about being there. I'm nervous about about him seeing me again and thinking that I have returned just to see him. I avoid eye contact as much as I can but every so often, I sneak glances at him. The restaurant is some sort of Asian restaurant, serving Vietnamese food but having Thai designs throughout. There is Indian music blaring and people are dancing in their saris. The activity makes it easier to sneak peeks at Robert without being too obvious. When dinner is over, mom, grandma and I get ready to leave. The thought of Robert thinking I'm a stalker is too much to bear, so I march over to him and set him straight. I say to him, "Look, I'm only here again because my grandma really wanted to come here to eat. I want you to know that I didn't come back here for you. I only came for the food and it just so happens that you're here too." In my dream, Robert doesn't say anything and I decide to conclude our conversation with a final goodbye. I tell him that it's unfortunate that things are the way they are now. "We could have been friends, Robert. It didn't have to be so dramatic so that it's now weird and awkward and uncomfortable to see each other. I don't understand why it had to be this way. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I just think it sucks that we can't even be friends, we can't even be amiable. But it is what it is and I can finally accept it now. I finally get it and I'm fine. So, goodbye." And I turn and walk away. I don't wait for him to respond. I don't hope for some kind of reconciliation or even closure. I walk away and I do not look back. I do not look back.
Then I woke up.
This dream is so meaningful to me because it signifies closure... I think. In all the years that we've been apart, I've dreamt about him and fantasized about him, and all of my imaginings entail reconciliation. No matter how I've tried to explain it to myself, I've always ended up envisioning us together. Not once have I ever ever ever ever ever thought to myself: "this is it." But over the past few weeks, because I've really been thinking so much about him, I am gradually accepting that this could be/is the final outcome for him and me.
I am starting to accept that there is no happy ending for us, that there will never be a closure for us, and that he will never return to give me the explanation I've been waiting for all these years. Acknowledging this scenario has set me free in many ways. To begin, I'm not miserable everyday because I'm thinking/wondering/missing him whenever I'm in my hometown. Thus far, being at home has been good and I've been living in the present. I haven't had thoughts that start with: "if Robert and I were together, then we would be doing _____." I have also made the conscious effort to make plans only with the people that I consider to be my friends. I am determined to only go out for fun and not for information-digging about Robert. I want to go out with people who help me re-charge and who help me feel invigorated about life. I do not want to go out only to feel drained and disappointed because I am with them purely to gain more information about Robert. Still, Robert's friends already heard that I am back in town and have tried to set up get-togethers last week. I politely declined their offers and postponed them because I wasn't/am not ready. I only want to go out with them when I can enjoy spending time with them without thinking about their connection with Robert. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me. When I can see them as my friends (rather than his friends), then I'll go out with them. When I can maintain inner peace without relying on them to fulfill a hole inside me, then I'll allow myself to be with them.
All of these are pro-active steps that I am taking to move-on from the first love of my life. My dream has further confirmed that I am on the right track and furthermore, that I am making progress. For the first time ever, my subconscious is letting him go and accepting that there is nothing between us anymore. In my dream, there are no tears, no dramatics, no demand for explanation, no apology, no reunion. There is only awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a reclaiming of my dignity and a chance to say bye. Wow, I can't believe that I'm even writing that: "a chance to say bye." Never in a million years did I think I'd ever have to say "bye" to Robert because I thought he'd always be in my life. The truth, however, is that he isn't in my life, hasn't been in my life, and will probably never be in my life ever again. That's still too hard to accept at this time, so I'll take what I have so far and be proud of my current progress.
I dreamt that my dad needed to go to a city near where I live, so we packed up the car and drove a very far distance to get to where he needs to be. We stopped to have lunch at this restaurant-- and in that restaurant, I saw Robert, serving the meals there because he worked as a waiter. We made eye contact but we both acted like we didn't know each other. At one point, I asked if he could bring us some napkins, but we didn't really look at each other during that encounter. Afterwards, when we finished eating, we left and came back home. In my dream, my grandma was upset that we didn't take her, so we decided to make the trip again. We drove to the same city (which is actually 15,000 miles away-- oh dreams!) and we stopped at that same restaurant--this time for dinner instead of lunch. Again, I see Robert there and I now feel self-conscious about being there. I'm nervous about about him seeing me again and thinking that I have returned just to see him. I avoid eye contact as much as I can but every so often, I sneak glances at him. The restaurant is some sort of Asian restaurant, serving Vietnamese food but having Thai designs throughout. There is Indian music blaring and people are dancing in their saris. The activity makes it easier to sneak peeks at Robert without being too obvious. When dinner is over, mom, grandma and I get ready to leave. The thought of Robert thinking I'm a stalker is too much to bear, so I march over to him and set him straight. I say to him, "Look, I'm only here again because my grandma really wanted to come here to eat. I want you to know that I didn't come back here for you. I only came for the food and it just so happens that you're here too." In my dream, Robert doesn't say anything and I decide to conclude our conversation with a final goodbye. I tell him that it's unfortunate that things are the way they are now. "We could have been friends, Robert. It didn't have to be so dramatic so that it's now weird and awkward and uncomfortable to see each other. I don't understand why it had to be this way. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I just think it sucks that we can't even be friends, we can't even be amiable. But it is what it is and I can finally accept it now. I finally get it and I'm fine. So, goodbye." And I turn and walk away. I don't wait for him to respond. I don't hope for some kind of reconciliation or even closure. I walk away and I do not look back. I do not look back.
Then I woke up.
This dream is so meaningful to me because it signifies closure... I think. In all the years that we've been apart, I've dreamt about him and fantasized about him, and all of my imaginings entail reconciliation. No matter how I've tried to explain it to myself, I've always ended up envisioning us together. Not once have I ever ever ever ever ever thought to myself: "this is it." But over the past few weeks, because I've really been thinking so much about him, I am gradually accepting that this could be/is the final outcome for him and me.
I am starting to accept that there is no happy ending for us, that there will never be a closure for us, and that he will never return to give me the explanation I've been waiting for all these years. Acknowledging this scenario has set me free in many ways. To begin, I'm not miserable everyday because I'm thinking/wondering/missing him whenever I'm in my hometown. Thus far, being at home has been good and I've been living in the present. I haven't had thoughts that start with: "if Robert and I were together, then we would be doing _____." I have also made the conscious effort to make plans only with the people that I consider to be my friends. I am determined to only go out for fun and not for information-digging about Robert. I want to go out with people who help me re-charge and who help me feel invigorated about life. I do not want to go out only to feel drained and disappointed because I am with them purely to gain more information about Robert. Still, Robert's friends already heard that I am back in town and have tried to set up get-togethers last week. I politely declined their offers and postponed them because I wasn't/am not ready. I only want to go out with them when I can enjoy spending time with them without thinking about their connection with Robert. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me. When I can see them as my friends (rather than his friends), then I'll go out with them. When I can maintain inner peace without relying on them to fulfill a hole inside me, then I'll allow myself to be with them.
All of these are pro-active steps that I am taking to move-on from the first love of my life. My dream has further confirmed that I am on the right track and furthermore, that I am making progress. For the first time ever, my subconscious is letting him go and accepting that there is nothing between us anymore. In my dream, there are no tears, no dramatics, no demand for explanation, no apology, no reunion. There is only awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a reclaiming of my dignity and a chance to say bye. Wow, I can't believe that I'm even writing that: "a chance to say bye." Never in a million years did I think I'd ever have to say "bye" to Robert because I thought he'd always be in my life. The truth, however, is that he isn't in my life, hasn't been in my life, and will probably never be in my life ever again. That's still too hard to accept at this time, so I'll take what I have so far and be proud of my current progress.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Week 1: Out of the forest
Week 1 at home!
For my first 3 days here, I was in pure vacation-mode. I didn't really want to journal, and I didn't need to journal because I wasn't feel any heartache. But then... a few things happened and I definitely want to write about it to process it all out of my system. I'll devote this entry to the first thing that happened-- and it has to do with B.
A few days ago, I watched a soap opera with my family called "sisters/sisterhood". It is a show about three sisters (and also best friends) and the relationships they have with each other and their respective families. Because I never watch the show, I happened to watch the episode when the youngest sister discovers her husband's affair with another woman. She is devastated, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and immobile. She takes her young daughter to her parents' home so that she can get-away to process all that has happened.
As I watched this episode, I found myself feeling a strange sense of community with this actress, this character, this woman. She knows how I feel. Her experience is similar to mine. She is going through what I went through. It was so weird how connected I felt to her, and it was so validating at the same time. I don't know how people respond to infidelity. I have never seen anyone react to cheating. Other than my own experience, I have no sources for comparison. As such, I don't know whether my feelings are... normal or typical or just flat-out appropriate. About 15 minutes after the show ended, my family and I were sitting around watching a commercial when suddenly, I started bawling. The tears just erupted out of me and I found myself unable to stop crying. I heard myself crying too. The sounds that came out of me were so raw that it almost scared me. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt the pain come out of my stomach. I gasped for air and found myself panting and taking huge gasps of air because of how hard I was crying. It was uncontrollable. My grandma had gone into the kitchen to make some tea, and when she heard me, she rushed back to see what was happening. "Why, Sher? What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you like this? Is it because of what happened to that character on the show? Do you pity her, is that why? What's wrong? Please stop crying!" My mom, also in the kitchen, just told her to let me cry it out. And I did. The whole process was intense but also brief, lasting probably about 5 minutes. When I calmed back down, I simply continued what I was doing earlier -- folding paper boxes for my grandma while watching TV. My family was kind enough not to mention this incident and to act like the whole scenario never happened. I was grateful for that.
Still, my sudden outpour of emotions caught-me-off-guard. I haven't thought much about B. recently, and I hadn't realized that he/we still had such an effect on me. After all, I talk about him therapy, I have journaled about him, cried about him, cut-off all contact with him. So why did I respond so dramatically? Also, why was my reaction so delayed? I didn't cry while watching the show. It was only afterwards that my thoughts and feelings sunk in. Is this how I generally process pain? After it's happened?
I remember when B. cheated on me and I ended up taking him back. Life proceeded quite normally afterwards and my friends and family could not understand how I was able to do that. Where was my "healthy anger?" they asked. Why are you not responding in the normal way people respond to betrayal? Why are you not livid? How can you act like nothing has happened? I couldn't fully explain it then. All I knew was that I had to hold-it-together for the time being. I had to get-through it logically, and only afterwards, I will then deal with the emotions. I described my strategy as escaping and surviving. I was running through a forest feeling chased by something big, fast, and scary. I did not have time to stop, think, reflect, or get emotional. I had to run as fast as I could without using any cognitive capacities other than my animal instinct to get out ASAP. I'll think later. I'll reflect later. Once I am in the clear, once I am safe and far far away from danger, then I can allow myself to stop, turn around, and attend to my feelings. For the time being, I need to just survive. And if that means suppressing my feelings knowing it will overwhelm me and my ability to function-- then so be it. I will numb myself out until I have the capacity to deal with my feelings.
Well, I'm out of the forest now. I'm done with that relationship now. I'm away from danger, from betrayal, from expectations, from disappointment, from hurt and pain inflicted by B. because I am finally away from B. I am safe now because he is far away and cannot just show up randomly. I am protected because I have blocked him online and because I ignore all calls that are "blocked". I have no wants or desires associated with him, as such, there is no possibility for me to be disappointed or hurt by him. He can't touch me anymore. Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually. I'm no longer being chased. I'm no longer escaping or running. I can now stop, look back, and feel.
For my first 3 days here, I was in pure vacation-mode. I didn't really want to journal, and I didn't need to journal because I wasn't feel any heartache. But then... a few things happened and I definitely want to write about it to process it all out of my system. I'll devote this entry to the first thing that happened-- and it has to do with B.
A few days ago, I watched a soap opera with my family called "sisters/sisterhood". It is a show about three sisters (and also best friends) and the relationships they have with each other and their respective families. Because I never watch the show, I happened to watch the episode when the youngest sister discovers her husband's affair with another woman. She is devastated, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and immobile. She takes her young daughter to her parents' home so that she can get-away to process all that has happened.
As I watched this episode, I found myself feeling a strange sense of community with this actress, this character, this woman. She knows how I feel. Her experience is similar to mine. She is going through what I went through. It was so weird how connected I felt to her, and it was so validating at the same time. I don't know how people respond to infidelity. I have never seen anyone react to cheating. Other than my own experience, I have no sources for comparison. As such, I don't know whether my feelings are... normal or typical or just flat-out appropriate. About 15 minutes after the show ended, my family and I were sitting around watching a commercial when suddenly, I started bawling. The tears just erupted out of me and I found myself unable to stop crying. I heard myself crying too. The sounds that came out of me were so raw that it almost scared me. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt the pain come out of my stomach. I gasped for air and found myself panting and taking huge gasps of air because of how hard I was crying. It was uncontrollable. My grandma had gone into the kitchen to make some tea, and when she heard me, she rushed back to see what was happening. "Why, Sher? What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you like this? Is it because of what happened to that character on the show? Do you pity her, is that why? What's wrong? Please stop crying!" My mom, also in the kitchen, just told her to let me cry it out. And I did. The whole process was intense but also brief, lasting probably about 5 minutes. When I calmed back down, I simply continued what I was doing earlier -- folding paper boxes for my grandma while watching TV. My family was kind enough not to mention this incident and to act like the whole scenario never happened. I was grateful for that.
Still, my sudden outpour of emotions caught-me-off-guard. I haven't thought much about B. recently, and I hadn't realized that he/we still had such an effect on me. After all, I talk about him therapy, I have journaled about him, cried about him, cut-off all contact with him. So why did I respond so dramatically? Also, why was my reaction so delayed? I didn't cry while watching the show. It was only afterwards that my thoughts and feelings sunk in. Is this how I generally process pain? After it's happened?
I remember when B. cheated on me and I ended up taking him back. Life proceeded quite normally afterwards and my friends and family could not understand how I was able to do that. Where was my "healthy anger?" they asked. Why are you not responding in the normal way people respond to betrayal? Why are you not livid? How can you act like nothing has happened? I couldn't fully explain it then. All I knew was that I had to hold-it-together for the time being. I had to get-through it logically, and only afterwards, I will then deal with the emotions. I described my strategy as escaping and surviving. I was running through a forest feeling chased by something big, fast, and scary. I did not have time to stop, think, reflect, or get emotional. I had to run as fast as I could without using any cognitive capacities other than my animal instinct to get out ASAP. I'll think later. I'll reflect later. Once I am in the clear, once I am safe and far far away from danger, then I can allow myself to stop, turn around, and attend to my feelings. For the time being, I need to just survive. And if that means suppressing my feelings knowing it will overwhelm me and my ability to function-- then so be it. I will numb myself out until I have the capacity to deal with my feelings.
Well, I'm out of the forest now. I'm done with that relationship now. I'm away from danger, from betrayal, from expectations, from disappointment, from hurt and pain inflicted by B. because I am finally away from B. I am safe now because he is far away and cannot just show up randomly. I am protected because I have blocked him online and because I ignore all calls that are "blocked". I have no wants or desires associated with him, as such, there is no possibility for me to be disappointed or hurt by him. He can't touch me anymore. Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually. I'm no longer being chased. I'm no longer escaping or running. I can now stop, look back, and feel.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Heading to my time capsule tomorrow
I'm going home tomorrow! Must. take. deep breath.
I just looked up Robert's name online, and of course, there's nothing to be found. I don't know why he's such a... secretive person in general. What's worse is my compulsion to dig his information to know more about him.
If someone wants to run away from you, run far far from you, and to go somewhere hidden so you can never find him, then why oh why do I spend so much time and effort wondering and even searching?
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then you know."
I know. What I know is that without intending to let go, it has already flown far far away from me. And not only that, it has purposely hidden itself from me (and from the rest of society) because it doesn't want to be discovered. It doesn't want to belong to me. It doesn't want to come back. And even though it hasn't been back for years, I haven't been able to accept that that's the answer.
I don't want to. I don't want to accept that as the answer. I'm still waiting for him to come back. When that happens, then I'll choose to know. For now, I don't know. I'm still... waiting.
I just looked up Robert's name online, and of course, there's nothing to be found. I don't know why he's such a... secretive person in general. What's worse is my compulsion to dig his information to know more about him.
If someone wants to run away from you, run far far from you, and to go somewhere hidden so you can never find him, then why oh why do I spend so much time and effort wondering and even searching?
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then you know."
I know. What I know is that without intending to let go, it has already flown far far away from me. And not only that, it has purposely hidden itself from me (and from the rest of society) because it doesn't want to be discovered. It doesn't want to belong to me. It doesn't want to come back. And even though it hasn't been back for years, I haven't been able to accept that that's the answer.
I don't want to. I don't want to accept that as the answer. I'm still waiting for him to come back. When that happens, then I'll choose to know. For now, I don't know. I'm still... waiting.
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