"Everything I do, I do for you"

Awww, how romantic: "everything I do, I do for you."

NOT!!

How unromantic.  How crippling! How co-dependent!

These days, I have very negative reactions to statements such as these.  Why does our culture (societal) promote such co-dependence in romantic relationships?  Why do we romanticize losing yourself in a relationship and possibly foregoing our own goals so that our only focus is on the other person?

I am resentful of these kinds of "romantic" messages because I fall for them.  I subscribe to them. And I am a loyal believer in them. I've been a romantic since I was a kid! And I continue to adopt this way of thinking even though I'm trying to tell myself "I should know better..."

As I prepare for interviews these days, the reality sinks in that I may be moving back to my hometown for my next year of my training.  And while that is exciting on one hand (because my family is there), it is heartbreakingly depressing because I always envisioned myself back there with my first love.  I always envisioned returning to be a reunion for us.  I hadn't expected to go back and be... alone. I suppose if I were dating someone else, I wouldn't be feeling alone.  On the other hand, I suspect that even if I were with anyone else, I would still feel a twinge of nostalgia and sadness that it's not him I'm with. When I'm home, I can't understand why we're not together.  But when I'm on my own, away from my hometown, I do pretty well for myself.  It's like I'm a different person.

How can I explain it? There's something about being far away that makes our breakup acceptable. Yet when I'm home for the holidays, not being together feels... wrong.  It feels unnatural. So when I go home for the holidays, I get anxious, distressed, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive, and unable to understand why we are not together.

"Everything I do, I do for you." Years ago, I thought that the only reason I'd move back home was to be with Robert.  But I guess I'm doing it for me now.  I guess I'm doing it for my family too.  I don't know.  It still feels unnatural and I have to remind myself not to purposely mess up because I'm so terrified of being back there alone and without him.

Diamond shopping

As the semester is winding down, I decided to pamper myself by going window-shopping this afternoon and even picking up some fun things I've wanted for myself. I was thinking of getting some candles and a few shirts, and maybe a few other small things.  As I entered the mall, however, I found myself walking towards a jewelry store.  I was even more surprised at myself when I said stopped to look at some earrings and found myself saying aloud to a sales clerk that I'm thinking of treating myself.  What?!   Was I really planning on doing that this trip? What am I doing?!

In the end, I didn't buy anything for myself.  I couldn't justify a reason for blowing my rent money on a pair of diamond earrings that I never even imagined purchasing in the first place.  But this jewelry thing does have meaning for me.  Never in my life have I ever wanted or asked for jewelry.  I'm simply not that interested in baubles, and the only thing I ever envisioned is a wedding ring from the man of my dreams.  Other than that single essential and meaningful item, I don't desire anything else.  I'm content with cubic zirconian earrings and I generally dislike necklaces and bracelets and any other rings. For me, it's been the engagement ring and the meaning behind that one piece of item from that one special person.

But a few months ago, I remember thinking about jewelry as a form of self-empowerment. Around the time that I started this blog, I remember wanting to buy myself something.  I thought to myself, why wait for someone to buy things for me?  Why is it that when I think of jewelry, I generally think of getting from a man.  Why is it that my happiness depends on a man? Why am I so passive that I can't be self-sufficient and rely on myself and celebrate myself?  So, about 6 months ago, I promised to buy myself something that I would normally want a romantic partner to buy me.  I probably gave up all hope on B. and was ready to be with me and only me.  I was preparing myself for loneliness and forced independence and wanting to make it strength-based and meaningful.  Of course, I would never buy myself an engagement ring... but I can myself the next best thing!  I decided then that someday, I would buy myself a nice bauble to celebrate me!  I would choose some piece of jewelry to honor my relationship with me.

I mean, think about it! Regardless of how long my husband and I are together, I will never be in a relationship with him that is longer than my relationship with me.  I am with myself the longest.  So why don't I celebrate that relationship with me?  Why not have anniversaries or some other form of commemoration for me and with me?

In theory, it sounds so empowering and so exciting.  But as I looked at diamond after diamond, it got to be too overwhelming and surreal.  I got exasperated looking at so many small things with so many big numbers attached to them. In truth, I'd much rather enjoy a nice meal that I can experience-- sensually!  So, I left my contact information and left the store. Perhaps I'll go back in a few months.  Perhaps a few years.  Who knows. I still want to celebrate me, but... I don't know if I'm ready for diamonds yet.

Secrets, secrets, and more shame

I have 4 interviews scheduled within the next couple of weeks!

As exciting as this is, my anxiety is shooting straight through the roof. For the past few days, I've been preparing with friends and finding myself flustered, confused, incoherent, and overwhelmed.  I feel like an imposter.  This feels like imposter syndrome.  And I'm terrified of being caught.

My greatest fear is that my interviewer(s) will find out I'm empty inside.  They'll realize I'm a facade of knowledge and experience, and that I simply look good on paper, but not in-person.  I worry that they will see through me.  I feel scared, vulnerable, uncomfortable in my own skin, and terrified.  What if no one wants me? What if no one thinks I'm good enough? What if people find out that I am flawed-- not just flawed, period.  But flawed in all the places that matter the most?

When I couldn't answer a practice interview question about "4-5 interpersonal strengths", I realized that something was wrong.  Even if I am modest by nature, this question should not be so difficult that I stutter and umm and uhh through my way for 5 minutes without coming up with anything other than 2 points: 1) I'm good at making people feel comfortable and able to be vulnerable, and 2) I can relate to anyone.

Today, I finally realized what the major problem is.  I feel like I have a big secret to hide.  Wait, scratch that.  I have several big secrets to hide, and I don't know whether/how to hide them all. How can one be secretive and vulnerable at the same time?  How is it possible to be genuine but also hide parts of myself simultaneously?  The answer is that you can't! I can't! And that is why I have been unable to get-through my practice interviews without feeling emotionally overwhelmed and tongue-twisted.

What are these secrets of mine?  Well, they are my shame.  I am terrified that in all my answers, people will realize that I love too much, give too much, want too much of a fantasy, and therefore deny reality too much.  The thought of being seen-through horrifies me.  I have been feeling vulnerable as it is.  Now imagine being asked questions that tap into my strengths and weaknesses, my approaches to problem-solving, my outlook towards the process of change.  I fear that in my answers, people will read-through me to learn about who I am.  I am terrified that they might know that I just got out of a very unhealthy relationship.  I am so scared that they will actually know more about me to realize that I am flawed.  I worry that my answers will truthfully reflect my strengths and limitations: they will see that I am scarred and hurting, and that I have made decisions that have hurt me and my sense of self-worth and value.

And then what? What happens after I fail at hiding. What if they no longer respect me after they find out who I am? What if they then decide to ask about my bad-decision-making abilities?  What if they find out that I've betrayed my own values, beliefs and priorities before?  What if they judge me for my failed relationships in the past, and are impatient at my slowness to quickly "get myself together"? What will happen if they can see-through my answers and know about the "me" that I am working on so much?

I realize that I judge her harder than anyone possibly will.  I don't like her, the girl that I used to be.  The girl that was with B.  The person who stayed with him for so long and denied the truth of who he was.  I don't like that she gave up her friends for him,  gave up her foods for him, gave up her identity for him.  I don't really respect her and I don't have enough compassion for her.  I have more anger towards her and more impatience. I am working hard to grow away from her and to be different from her. I do NOT want to identify with her.  In turn, I do not want her to represent the person I want to be.

So in an interview setting, I don't want anyone to see her as part of me. I don't want her to be associated with me, much less part of my history and my identity. It's tough enough that I judge her, I don't want anyone else to judge her.

Setting the foundation for a relationship

I drove out to the country this weekend to visit my ex-neighbor (and friend) Brenda, and her family.  I met Brenda about 6 months ago actually, when we found out we were neighbors living across the hall from each other.  She has these 4 amazing kids who are well-behaved, loving, and adorable. Other than that, we had so much in common and quickly soon-after, I found myself visiting their apartment frequently to say hi to the kids, pop-in for a snack, or to even drop-off desserts that I made and that I wanted to share.  About 2 months ago, Brenda and her boyfriend moved into a house where they merged together her 4 kids and his 2 teenagers.  To me, they are the modern-day Brady Bunch who are much younger in age and also of a different ethnicity.  They are also one of the best couples I have ever known: individually and together.  I love her boyfriend almost as much as I love Brenda!

In addition to bringing a home-warming present to Brenda, I also went to celebrate her recent engagement to her now-fiancee! Just 3 days ago, Brenda and her boyfriend went to Florida for a short, quick 3-day vacation and on that beach, he proposed to her!  It was exactly what she wanted: a private, romantic, and meaningful celebration! She was also surprised by his attention to detail, considering he got her a ring that was especially designed with sapphires around the edges (her favorite) and 6 surrounding mini diamonds to represent each one of their children! Her ring is gorgeous and is one of the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever seen.

So, yesterday, as we chatted over her homemade corn and chicken soup, I found myself feeling immersed in a household of love love and more love.  Just entering her house made me feel... special. Her 4- and 5- year old tugged at me to go play tea party and legos, and her older kiddos rushed over to play with Mr. Z. and to say long time no see!  Whereas I planned to spend a couple of hours at her place that night, I ended up staying until 4am-- exactly 12 hours-- just hanging out with her, her fiancee, and her kids.  We caught up on the last 2 months of our lives and talked about life, love, relationships, compromises, and being true to ourselves.  She talked about the love she has for her fiancee, and about the importance of respecting each other and accepting each other for who they are.  Brenda has survived multiple unhealthy relationships and fought hard to maintain her journey to happiness. She has finally found someone who love her for her.  And she has carried, with dignity, her values to love, trust, and believe in what is good without having to compromise her identity.  I know this all sounds vague, but what it comes down to is having values and self-respect.

To begin, Brenda reminded me that women are the ones who should be in-charge of setting-up how the relationship looks like with her partner.  Basically, we see how men treat one another.  We see how they talk to each other roughly, that they are socialized to show be stoic and emotionless, that they are callous at times because that is the definition of being "manly."  That is the male form of communication and if we want a relationship that looks different from that, then we must ask for it! Expect it! And implement the boundaries to ensure that we protect ourselves when we do not get it.  In short, we have to lead the way: to teach them about respect and to believe that we are deserving of others' respect and love.

As an example, Brenda talked about having fights in their relationship and mutually agreeing with her fiancee that it is unacceptable to ever engage in name-calling. Whenever one of them feels provoked enough to possibly hurl insults, they take a 15 minute time-out before re-convening to discuss the situation.  A while ago, when they were playing a game with each other, her fiancee had jokingly called her a "bitch".  She immediately stopped the game and had a serious conversation with him about the gravity of that term.  She felt disrespected by his name-calling and wanted to make sure it never happened again.  She reasoned that if you can use that term once, even jokingly, then it will be that much easier to use that label again when he is feeling emotional (i.e., mad) one day.  She said that even if he was saying that term in good humor that she had to stop it immediately to make sure he never uses a derogatory terms toward her again.  She had to set the standard from the outset, both for her own sense of self-respect and to prevent any deterioration in their relationship in the future.

At first, Brenda's fiancee was very annoyed by her rigidness and had turned away from her afterwards and told her she was too inflexible.  After all, she had stopped the game and made it so very serious when he was kidding!  He was annoyed at the interruption but she refused to budge. She maintained that she would not compromise on this issue!  It was a good thing too, because a few days later, he realized that she was right. He came to her one night and said he "got it!" He could see her perspective that name-calling, even in a joking manner, might open the door to future name-calling in a different context!

This example, although quite superficial by nature (since it is about name-calling) was actually very profound and made me think about the importance of setting boundaries.  When we say no the first time, then we set the foundation for how we can be treated in the future.  When we respect ourselves and trust ourselves the first time, we set the stage for how others treat us.  We set-up expectations for the relationships, and create standards for treating ourselves and one another.  We become models for the other person. We begin to help ourselves and our partners become better people and better partners

Thinking about this makes me wonder why I always took a backseat in my relationships.  Why did I always let my partner(s) decide what is "good" and what is "bad"?  Why was I always worried about his happiness as opposed to my happiness? Why didn't I ever think of my needs within the relationship? Why did I always consider only his needs, his wants, and his feelings in the relationship, and not mine our even ours? If I don't value myself and respect myself (because I'm always discounting me), then how am I setting a standard for anyone else to value and respect me?

A relationship takes work. effort. energy. compromise.  It takes leadership as well, and a lot of self-love and self-respect to know what is acceptable and what is not.  It take confidence to express what is healthy and what is unhealthy.  It takes boundaries to say when it is going well, and when it needs working on.  It takes 2, but it takes 2 people who are able to think of themselves as individuals and as a team.

I need to work on being a leader for myself.