While walking to my car today, I thought about B. and wondered how he was doing. Over the last few weeks, I've stopped thinking about him. More specifically, I stopped having strong feelings for him, whether it is heartache, anger, disgust, or any other form of intense emotion.
As I was walking today, I realized I don't care about him. I don't care whatsoever. Now that's a weird feeling to have. I've never experienced apathy towards someone before!
So I went one step further to test myself some more. I wondered to myself, what if he were depressed and living a very sad life right now? Would you care then? To which, I was surprised to find that my answer was no!
Now that is unusual.
In the past, whenever I think about an ex being less fortunate than me, my overwhelming feelings of pity will rise above me and I will start thinking about them. Is he OK? What's wrong? Does he need me? Should I be there to make his life better? Would my presence increase the quality of his life? If so, then how can I be so far away and unavailable? How can he live without me? I have to reach out to him.
Strangely enough, I didn't have these feelings toward B. today and I am pretty certain that he is OK and that he will be OK. Granted, he struggles with depression, I'm sure. Heck, he struggles with a myriad of issues probably including an eating disorder as well as episodes of mania. It's actually because of these reasons that I stuck-around so long and gave him so many chances. Because he is so unstable, I thought that he just needed more patience, love, and understanding from me. At the outset, I didn't realize that his unhealthiness was taking a toll on me. I hadn't fully recognized the mental unhealthiness he was inflicting onto me. As though I didn't have enough baggage of my own to begin with!
So! Today, I feel liberated from my previous patterns of recalling an ex-boyfriend. I'm not concerned with his mental health and I have no desire to save him from his own emotional roller coaster ride. Gone are my tendencies to be a savior to a loved one. No longer do I feel the compulsion to rush to his side to tend to his weaknesses and nurse him back to health. I don't have to do that. I don't want to do that. I don't need to do that. It's not expected of me to do that.
I suppose my anger is still there, it's just diminished these days. I can finally accept B. for who he is these days. I now know that if B. is feeling low, he will not let himself be alone any longer than he needs to. He will drink until he blacks out. And he will destroy his house in his drunken stupor and become physically violent without knowing it. He will certainly find some random woman to sleep with. It's not an emotional connection that he wants, just a warm body in the middle of the night. He does not want a soulmate, just sex. Just someone that will keep the loneliness at bay. As soon as he's done with her, he'll move on. He'll immerse himself into his professional work and discard her like an object until he's lonely next time. By then, he will have found another woman to objectify. Another woman to use and abuse. It's sad, really. Deep down, B. will be perpetually lonely in his heart. But in physical terms, he will never be, because he is constantly fishing. He has multiple hooks out at all times and he is always baiting, baiting, and baiting some more. When he senses movement on one line, he pursues her. And if another line wiggles, he will seek her out too. He is constantly on the hunt, preying on women, seeking unlimited companionship from whoever will bite on his line. That is the lifestyle he wants and that's what he's familiar with. Who's to say that my attempts to living a meaningful life is what he wants? Who's to say that everyone wants a meaningful relationship like I do?
Accepting who B. is gives me enough anger, hurt, and acceptance (of reality) to stop caring and to stop have intense emotions associated with him. That's part of the healing process, right?
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Contentment
Throughout my process of navigating grief, loss, and past loves, I have neglected to write a little bit about the current love of my life: Mr. Z. He may be a dog, alright, but he certainly shows me love everyday and makes me feel like I am special, important, and a very necessary part of his life.
When I was home over the last week and a half, my family fell head-over-heels-in-love with Mr. Z. They adored him, and in turn, he loved them all: each and every one of them. Funnily enough, this scenario is always what I wished for. I always hoped I could one day be with someone (ahem, a mature man) who could blend into my family and win all of their loves. I wished that he would embrace my family with the same love I have for them, and that they would reciprocate a similar level of respect and liking towards him. Thus far, I have not met a boy like that. And I have not ever brought a boy home who was like that.
Mr. Z., however, did all of that and more. And to this day, he continues to surprise me because of the joy that fills my heart when I see him. Perhaps me doesn't surprise me; I surprise me! My feelings for him surprise me! While I was at home, my brother commented on how much I loved Mr. Z. and asked if I had ever felt that way for anyone before. My answer? No. Absolutely and positively no. The feelings that I have for Mr. Z., I would have never labeled it as "love". It's not on-par with the feelings I have had for ex-boyfriends. It is totally different.
The way I feel for Mr. Z. is so natural, so easy going, and so secure. Perhaps that is why it is unlike any other romantic relationship I have ever had. I don't try to change him. I don't have any expectations of him. And I don't fear that one day he will leave me or that he will love me less than before. I simply think about him when I can, wonder what's best for him, and try to give him as much as I can to maximize his health and well-being. That's it. That is all I do. Is that love? If so, then I'm finally understanding what pure, raw, unconditional love is. And I have never felt that for anyone before. Ever.
When I was home over the last week and a half, my family fell head-over-heels-in-love with Mr. Z. They adored him, and in turn, he loved them all: each and every one of them. Funnily enough, this scenario is always what I wished for. I always hoped I could one day be with someone (ahem, a mature man) who could blend into my family and win all of their loves. I wished that he would embrace my family with the same love I have for them, and that they would reciprocate a similar level of respect and liking towards him. Thus far, I have not met a boy like that. And I have not ever brought a boy home who was like that.
Mr. Z., however, did all of that and more. And to this day, he continues to surprise me because of the joy that fills my heart when I see him. Perhaps me doesn't surprise me; I surprise me! My feelings for him surprise me! While I was at home, my brother commented on how much I loved Mr. Z. and asked if I had ever felt that way for anyone before. My answer? No. Absolutely and positively no. The feelings that I have for Mr. Z., I would have never labeled it as "love". It's not on-par with the feelings I have had for ex-boyfriends. It is totally different.
The way I feel for Mr. Z. is so natural, so easy going, and so secure. Perhaps that is why it is unlike any other romantic relationship I have ever had. I don't try to change him. I don't have any expectations of him. And I don't fear that one day he will leave me or that he will love me less than before. I simply think about him when I can, wonder what's best for him, and try to give him as much as I can to maximize his health and well-being. That's it. That is all I do. Is that love? If so, then I'm finally understanding what pure, raw, unconditional love is. And I have never felt that for anyone before. Ever.
Falling out of love
My closest friend in the world, Ana, called me today for our regular chat/update. She told me about her co-worker being dumped by her boyfriend of 5 years. The boyfriend had told her that he had fell-out-of-love with her and that he wanted to end the relationship. The breakup happened over the weekend on Saturday, and even though it is now Tuesday, her co-worker continues to be in disbelief and will call him to say, "Honey, when are we going to pick out the Christmas tree together?" What's worse is that it is the holiday season and they are supposed to spend Christmas together with her family. During the break-up, she had asked him how recent his feelings had changed, and he said that he knew it was over before Thanksgiving! She was in disbelief because they had gone to visit his family over Turkey day and he had acted like nothing was wrong. Things were like they had always been.
Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city. After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week. He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him. He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.
Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it. Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me. I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again. It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.
Did Robert do that to me? And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?
While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart. Such good advice right? It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.
As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:
Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead. He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.
Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back. Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone. He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me. It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile. But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future. He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt. But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.
I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.
It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.
I've been in denial for 7 years!
Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city. After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week. He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him. He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.
Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it. Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me. I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again. It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.
Did Robert do that to me? And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?
While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart. Such good advice right? It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.
As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:
Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead. He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.
Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back. Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone. He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me. It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile. But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future. He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt. But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.
I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.
It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.
I've been in denial for 7 years!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Blast from the past
Here's a journey entry that I wrote approximately 4 years ago when I emailed Robert after feeling so re-traumatized because he "forgot to call" me and couldn't care less about my existence. This entry reminds me of how tired and exhausting it is to love someone who is apathetic about you. To care about someone who doesn't even see you.
I did all that I could to reach out to him. I had to know that there was no holding back and that I was following my heart through-and-through. I did my best with him. I even chased after him 4 years later. Even then, he gave me nothing in return. I gave it my all. And I had to live with the fact that there was nothing more I could have done to change the situation.
"have you ever poured your heart out before? to the point that you're maxxed out and can't imagine any other way to express yourself? and then one day, you realize that you've finally reached your limit, trekked to the end of your own border, and really truly cannot go beyond the pages anymore because the gap is too wide and and you simply cannot go any farther?
it's a completely draining experience that i'm talking about... but in almost a positive light because FINALLY, you can't wonder if there's anything else you could have done. you know for a fact that you will never look back and wonder "COULD I HAVE DONE MORE? SHOULD I HAVE STOPPED THERE? WHY WASN'T I TRUE TO MY HEART?" because finally, there's nothing in you anymore. Not a drop a left, nothing to be wrung out for you to give anymore. It's like... you've finally defeated yourself.
everyone has a limit. and it's taken me years to reach mine.
im all out of this kinda love."
I did all that I could to reach out to him. I had to know that there was no holding back and that I was following my heart through-and-through. I did my best with him. I even chased after him 4 years later. Even then, he gave me nothing in return. I gave it my all. And I had to live with the fact that there was nothing more I could have done to change the situation.
"have you ever poured your heart out before? to the point that you're maxxed out and can't imagine any other way to express yourself? and then one day, you realize that you've finally reached your limit, trekked to the end of your own border, and really truly cannot go beyond the pages anymore because the gap is too wide and and you simply cannot go any farther?
it's a completely draining experience that i'm talking about... but in almost a positive light because FINALLY, you can't wonder if there's anything else you could have done. you know for a fact that you will never look back and wonder "COULD I HAVE DONE MORE? SHOULD I HAVE STOPPED THERE? WHY WASN'T I TRUE TO MY HEART?" because finally, there's nothing in you anymore. Not a drop a left, nothing to be wrung out for you to give anymore. It's like... you've finally defeated yourself.
everyone has a limit. and it's taken me years to reach mine.
im all out of this kinda love."
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