I struggle with emotional hunger, hormonal hunger, or whatever the eff you want to call it. In my journey to being healthy, I have to fight this battle and win. I need to figure out why food often feels like a savior to me, both psychologically and physically.
In my family, my mom and I are known for getting sick when we get hunger. We both get headaches, we both feel nauseous, and we both have reputations for getting better immediately after we eat. In elementary school, I went home once a week for about a year because I had those symptoms. I'll never forget the time when my dad picked me and took me to eat at a steakhouse during the noon hour. The nurse was not able to find my mom, so dad had come to take me home. Since it was lunchtime, we stopped at a restaurant, where, for the first time, I felt like I had 1-on-1 bonding with my dad.... and a steak to myself! Afterwards, I was as healthy as a horse.
Today, my brother continues to make fun of me for being "sick" when I'm actually hungry. He makes fun of me for it, but the sickness feels very real. Because it feels so real, I actually fear being hungry and take preventative steps by making myself feel full. Even when I'm not actually hungry sometimes, I wait until I feel just a little hungry... and then I quickly take the opportunity to eat... even if maybe I'm not actually that hungry yet.
An example would be... now. It's 9pm right now and I am not hungry. I had a very (healthy) fat lunch this afternoon, eating sauteed bacon and kale, and spooning half an avocado with an entire tomato. The fat content of my lunch has kept me very full and satiated for the past... 7 hours. Wow. 7 hours! I should be celebrating not being hungry and not being nauseous or having a headache.
But instead, I am waiting very anxiously for a sign from my body to detect hunger. I am not able to work on my dissertation. I simply sit and keep sensing my body, waiting to see if it might possibly be a little hungry. I tempt myself by thinking quietly, "Hey! I have food just sitting in the fridge. I have pre-made so many paleo meals and snacks that I really want to go stuff them into my mouth!"
But the problem is that I'm not hungry and this reality makes me feel even more anxious than I can imagine. Why? Why?!
Is it because eating is how I relax?
Is it because eating allows me to watch TV, chat on the phone, and get away from my schoolwork?
Is it because eating requires cooking and prepping food-- and both things make me oh so happy?
Eating brings me so much joy. The preparation of it, the process of it, and the satiated feeling afterwards. I want to rush to it so badly, that I tend to overeat and to be overly sensitive to any sign of possible hunger.
So, as I sit here, I am fighting my body right now and stopping it from asking "Am I hungry yet?" every few seconds. I am waging a battle against my brain that incessantly questions, "what about now? now? now? Are you sure you're not hungry and you don't want to eat something? The kitchen is riiight over there..."
This. is. war!!!
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
An ode to Mr. Z
I am grateful to Mr. Z for so many reasons. A few months ago, my friend Penny remarked that Mr. Z was the only one that actually saved me from my relationship with B. No amount of help/advice from friends was enough to give me the final push to end it all. Ultimately, it was Mr. Z that helped me get out of what was killing my soul, and making me feel like I had no will to move forward. Mr. Z was the final reason that helped me to have the courage to finally break up.
What Penny may not know, however, is that ever since the breakup, Mr. Z continues to do so much for me. To begin, I've realized that I'm healthier because of him. Emotionally, spiritually, physically... I'm healthier thanks to Mr. Z.
At the emotional level, I feel such unconditional love, loyalty, and support from him. He is so excited to see me all the time, and his kisses are so true, so authentic, and so in-the-moment. Mr. Z wants nothing more from me than just me. He has no expectations for me, no judgment toward me, and no conditions linked to my self-worth. He likes me for me. More importantly, it's my energy he wants, and my smell that he wants, and all the things that I can't change and adapt. Mr. Z doesn't care if I gain weight, if I'm dressed like a bum, or if I'm in a foul mood. He likes me for who I am: just my being.
At the spiritual level, I find myself living life in a more grounded and present way. When we take walks, I am seriously detached from work and stress and focused on our walk. I actually breathe in the fresh air and smell the roses. I slow down immensely to enjoy what is happening all around me. I hear the wind blowing, I feel the movement of the grass, I hear the birds chirping, and I revel in being part of nature. More than anything, I enjoy watching him zig zag around smelling all the things that our human noses can't detect. I wonder what he smells and what he's dragging me towards. I love imagining what he's thinking, what he's dreaming, and what he loves, and what motivates him. When I am spending quality time with him, I'm completely removed from technology. I don't walk with my cell phone, I don't watch TV when playing with him, I don't work on the computer when brushing his hair. It's just us and our energies together!
Last but not least, is the physical health that he brings me. The most tangible evidence is that I walk 100X more than I did before. Each day, we take walks outside: in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bedtime. No matter how cold or hot it is, we walk, whether it is for 15 minutes or sometimes up to 2 hours! The point is, Mr. Z makes me move my body in ways other than being hunched over my computer! Diet-wise, I've also changed significantly because of Mr. Z. My journey to Paleo is partly inspired by Mr. Z. Even before adopting him, I did a lot of research on dog foods and what's best for him. I learned that the fewer the by-products, the better the quality. I learned that processed foods is also bad for dogs, and that products like soy and corn are terrible for their health. On a weekly basis, I spend a lot of money on Mr. Z's foods. I choose the best because I select items with the least amount of ingredients. One of my favorite snacks for him is a duck and sweet potato cookie. It is part of the "Limited ingredient" items and contains exactly what it should: duck and sweet potato! When I began to re-evaluate my food options while working out, I've also realized that I should be a little more picky with my diet, like eliminate soy and corn! And funnily enough, that's exactly what Paleo emphasizes! Eat whole, unprocessed foods! Eat organic foods! Eat simple foods! Eat like how I feed my dog?
Now why didn't I think to treat myself in the same way that I treat Mr. Z?
Hence... my quick switch to Paleo these days, and my motivation to eat simple, unprocessed, and organic. I treat my dog so well and want him to be so healthy! Why don't I do the same for me? Also, when the weather gets really bad here, I also put him on the treadmill for 15 minutes a day. Seeing how I value his daily exercise, I've also wondered why I don't prioritize my health and fitness! Hence, the extra motivation these days for me to sign up for fitness classes and to schedule routine work-outs at the gym.
If I compared my lifestyle now to my lifestyle last year (pre, during, and after my breakup with B), the change would be substantial. Dramatic. Life-changing. Last year this time, I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life. I was heartbroken, anxious, scared, and completely and utterly alone in my shame and my unhealthy relationship. I couldn't let go, I didn't know how to let go, and he wouldn't let me go. I detached myself from friends, I did no exercise whatsoever, and I ate very poorly. My diet was so sad, pathetic, and painful for me. I didn't eat what I want. I didn't cook what I wanted. I had to cook for him, for us, and I had to make all these decisions based on what he preferred. I couldn't even have my own personal space to sit, reflect, or think-- because he would never leave me alone. His fears of being alone suffocated me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Yes, suffocating is the best word to describe the feelings he gave me. In contrast to where I am today, where I am growing, thriving, and feeling myself recovering, I was in the complete opposite place just months ago: drowning, suffocating, and losing the will to even flail as I disappeared into the quicksand.
Thinking about all this brings back some pain, some heartache, and a lot of sadness. I'm sorry I went through that. And I'm sorry I couldn't be where I am now. But I'm also uber grateful for now, and uber grateful for the changes I've since made in my life. These days, my day-to-day life consists of joy, liberation, inspiration, and healthiness that Mr. Z gives to me.
Thanks, Mr. Z. This is my ode to you!
What Penny may not know, however, is that ever since the breakup, Mr. Z continues to do so much for me. To begin, I've realized that I'm healthier because of him. Emotionally, spiritually, physically... I'm healthier thanks to Mr. Z.
At the emotional level, I feel such unconditional love, loyalty, and support from him. He is so excited to see me all the time, and his kisses are so true, so authentic, and so in-the-moment. Mr. Z wants nothing more from me than just me. He has no expectations for me, no judgment toward me, and no conditions linked to my self-worth. He likes me for me. More importantly, it's my energy he wants, and my smell that he wants, and all the things that I can't change and adapt. Mr. Z doesn't care if I gain weight, if I'm dressed like a bum, or if I'm in a foul mood. He likes me for who I am: just my being.
At the spiritual level, I find myself living life in a more grounded and present way. When we take walks, I am seriously detached from work and stress and focused on our walk. I actually breathe in the fresh air and smell the roses. I slow down immensely to enjoy what is happening all around me. I hear the wind blowing, I feel the movement of the grass, I hear the birds chirping, and I revel in being part of nature. More than anything, I enjoy watching him zig zag around smelling all the things that our human noses can't detect. I wonder what he smells and what he's dragging me towards. I love imagining what he's thinking, what he's dreaming, and what he loves, and what motivates him. When I am spending quality time with him, I'm completely removed from technology. I don't walk with my cell phone, I don't watch TV when playing with him, I don't work on the computer when brushing his hair. It's just us and our energies together!
Last but not least, is the physical health that he brings me. The most tangible evidence is that I walk 100X more than I did before. Each day, we take walks outside: in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bedtime. No matter how cold or hot it is, we walk, whether it is for 15 minutes or sometimes up to 2 hours! The point is, Mr. Z makes me move my body in ways other than being hunched over my computer! Diet-wise, I've also changed significantly because of Mr. Z. My journey to Paleo is partly inspired by Mr. Z. Even before adopting him, I did a lot of research on dog foods and what's best for him. I learned that the fewer the by-products, the better the quality. I learned that processed foods is also bad for dogs, and that products like soy and corn are terrible for their health. On a weekly basis, I spend a lot of money on Mr. Z's foods. I choose the best because I select items with the least amount of ingredients. One of my favorite snacks for him is a duck and sweet potato cookie. It is part of the "Limited ingredient" items and contains exactly what it should: duck and sweet potato! When I began to re-evaluate my food options while working out, I've also realized that I should be a little more picky with my diet, like eliminate soy and corn! And funnily enough, that's exactly what Paleo emphasizes! Eat whole, unprocessed foods! Eat organic foods! Eat simple foods! Eat like how I feed my dog?
Now why didn't I think to treat myself in the same way that I treat Mr. Z?
Hence... my quick switch to Paleo these days, and my motivation to eat simple, unprocessed, and organic. I treat my dog so well and want him to be so healthy! Why don't I do the same for me? Also, when the weather gets really bad here, I also put him on the treadmill for 15 minutes a day. Seeing how I value his daily exercise, I've also wondered why I don't prioritize my health and fitness! Hence, the extra motivation these days for me to sign up for fitness classes and to schedule routine work-outs at the gym.
If I compared my lifestyle now to my lifestyle last year (pre, during, and after my breakup with B), the change would be substantial. Dramatic. Life-changing. Last year this time, I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life. I was heartbroken, anxious, scared, and completely and utterly alone in my shame and my unhealthy relationship. I couldn't let go, I didn't know how to let go, and he wouldn't let me go. I detached myself from friends, I did no exercise whatsoever, and I ate very poorly. My diet was so sad, pathetic, and painful for me. I didn't eat what I want. I didn't cook what I wanted. I had to cook for him, for us, and I had to make all these decisions based on what he preferred. I couldn't even have my own personal space to sit, reflect, or think-- because he would never leave me alone. His fears of being alone suffocated me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Yes, suffocating is the best word to describe the feelings he gave me. In contrast to where I am today, where I am growing, thriving, and feeling myself recovering, I was in the complete opposite place just months ago: drowning, suffocating, and losing the will to even flail as I disappeared into the quicksand.
Thinking about all this brings back some pain, some heartache, and a lot of sadness. I'm sorry I went through that. And I'm sorry I couldn't be where I am now. But I'm also uber grateful for now, and uber grateful for the changes I've since made in my life. These days, my day-to-day life consists of joy, liberation, inspiration, and healthiness that Mr. Z gives to me.
Thanks, Mr. Z. This is my ode to you!
So, this is how I love.
Mr. Z's birthday is coming up!
I knew this was the case, but I didn't know the exact date until I looked at his adoption papers this week.
March 16, 2009-- my little boy is going to turn 3!
I can't begin to tell you the excitement that I had this week. I went into full-on party-planning mode and looked up birthday cakes and dog cake recipes for him. I felt an out-of-control excitement about making his FIRST birthday with me very special and very meaningful. For him and for me! With a history of abuse and such serious separation anxiety, I want to celebrate Mr. Z. and let him know he is SO loved and adored.
In the midst of scouring the internet, I had an out-of-body experience watching myself get so excited. I wondered, "who am I?" "Who is this woman who is so excited celebrating a dog's birthday, and even planning to have a party and party invitations to friends with and without dogs?" "Who is she and what did she do to the person that was there before?"
The me before = dog-hater. Yes, I hated dogs starting at the age of 8 when my brother (age 6 at the time) was attacked by an Akita and almost had his entire right ear bitten off. I was next to my brother when it happened and we were at my dad's friend's house having a BBQ celebration on a warm summer day. It should have been a perfect night, and I remember even thinking that when it happened. One minute, I was feeling present and grateful for such an amazing summer night. The next minute, I heard a sound and turned to see the gigantic Akita on top of my brother. The night quickly turned from heaven to hell. Absolute hell. We rushed to the ER, the doctor was an asshole who took his time coming (he had the audacity to ask if we would pay cash because then he'd come faster), and then afterwards, I had to go home with only my dad and worry about my brother. I thought about giving up my ear for my brother. And it really was such a painful and terrifying process for him. After that incident, my entire family hated and feared dogs. Even teenie tiny ones like Yorkies and Chihuahas. In college, when walking from one place to another, I would change paths if I saw someone heading toward me walking a dog.
Yup. That's the backstory. That's why I'm sometimes still surprised that I a) adopted a dog this year, and b) love my dog as much as I do. It's even more of a surprise that I'm soooooooooooo into celebrating him and being the animal lover that I never thought I could be (and would actually roll my eyes at)!
So, now you can see why I'm in disbelief about my own behavior. I realized I needed a reality check and quickly messaged one of my oldest childhood friends to ask her what was happening to me. I asked her the same questions I asked myself! "Who am I?" Am I acting out-of-character?" "Why am I acting so out-of-character?" "What is happening to me?"
When she responded, her answer was better than anything I could have ever come up with. Yay! Thank goodness for friends who really really know me-- even better than myself sometimes! She said to me that she did NOT think I was acting out-of-character and that I'm quite consistent with myself. She remarked that THIS IS HOW I LOVE and THIS IS HOW I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED-- whether it is for a family member, for a partner, etc. etc. She said that for me, it's clear that I love Mr. Z. and want to make him happy. So, taking all this into consideration, she did NOT think I was behaving strangely, and in fact, she thought I was being VERY VERY ME.
Her response set be back.
Wow.
That was such an eye-opening response and a very compassionate way to see myself. Since getting her perspective , I've begun to reflect on why I'm so judgmental towards myself, and why I'm not able to be more strength-oriented when it comes to viewing myself. I also learned through my friend's modeling of how to treat myself. Rather than frame my excitement into something negative, my friend reminded me to see myself in a positive light, in a realistic but encouraging light, and to offer myself more kindness, non-judgmentalness, and of course, compassion to myself.
I knew this was the case, but I didn't know the exact date until I looked at his adoption papers this week.
March 16, 2009-- my little boy is going to turn 3!
I can't begin to tell you the excitement that I had this week. I went into full-on party-planning mode and looked up birthday cakes and dog cake recipes for him. I felt an out-of-control excitement about making his FIRST birthday with me very special and very meaningful. For him and for me! With a history of abuse and such serious separation anxiety, I want to celebrate Mr. Z. and let him know he is SO loved and adored.
In the midst of scouring the internet, I had an out-of-body experience watching myself get so excited. I wondered, "who am I?" "Who is this woman who is so excited celebrating a dog's birthday, and even planning to have a party and party invitations to friends with and without dogs?" "Who is she and what did she do to the person that was there before?"
The me before = dog-hater. Yes, I hated dogs starting at the age of 8 when my brother (age 6 at the time) was attacked by an Akita and almost had his entire right ear bitten off. I was next to my brother when it happened and we were at my dad's friend's house having a BBQ celebration on a warm summer day. It should have been a perfect night, and I remember even thinking that when it happened. One minute, I was feeling present and grateful for such an amazing summer night. The next minute, I heard a sound and turned to see the gigantic Akita on top of my brother. The night quickly turned from heaven to hell. Absolute hell. We rushed to the ER, the doctor was an asshole who took his time coming (he had the audacity to ask if we would pay cash because then he'd come faster), and then afterwards, I had to go home with only my dad and worry about my brother. I thought about giving up my ear for my brother. And it really was such a painful and terrifying process for him. After that incident, my entire family hated and feared dogs. Even teenie tiny ones like Yorkies and Chihuahas. In college, when walking from one place to another, I would change paths if I saw someone heading toward me walking a dog.
Yup. That's the backstory. That's why I'm sometimes still surprised that I a) adopted a dog this year, and b) love my dog as much as I do. It's even more of a surprise that I'm soooooooooooo into celebrating him and being the animal lover that I never thought I could be (and would actually roll my eyes at)!
So, now you can see why I'm in disbelief about my own behavior. I realized I needed a reality check and quickly messaged one of my oldest childhood friends to ask her what was happening to me. I asked her the same questions I asked myself! "Who am I?" Am I acting out-of-character?" "Why am I acting so out-of-character?" "What is happening to me?"
When she responded, her answer was better than anything I could have ever come up with. Yay! Thank goodness for friends who really really know me-- even better than myself sometimes! She said to me that she did NOT think I was acting out-of-character and that I'm quite consistent with myself. She remarked that THIS IS HOW I LOVE and THIS IS HOW I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED-- whether it is for a family member, for a partner, etc. etc. She said that for me, it's clear that I love Mr. Z. and want to make him happy. So, taking all this into consideration, she did NOT think I was behaving strangely, and in fact, she thought I was being VERY VERY ME.
Her response set be back.
Wow.
That was such an eye-opening response and a very compassionate way to see myself. Since getting her perspective , I've begun to reflect on why I'm so judgmental towards myself, and why I'm not able to be more strength-oriented when it comes to viewing myself. I also learned through my friend's modeling of how to treat myself. Rather than frame my excitement into something negative, my friend reminded me to see myself in a positive light, in a realistic but encouraging light, and to offer myself more kindness, non-judgmentalness, and of course, compassion to myself.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Excitement!
Confession: I have a mini-crush on my gym trainer. He is a good source of motivation to wake up early and go to the gym. He is a good example of fitness and Paleo eating. He is nice enough to let me text him to ask all sorts of questions at all times.
Is that bad? Is that embarassing to admit? Am I being so healthy these days because of a cute guy?
I've had to re-assess whether my commitment to eating Paleo and working out regularly is because of him. Is it?
Am I invested in eating Paleo and going to the gym because I'm attracted to someone who is practicing this kind of lifestyle?
In order to get this answer, I've been doing 2 weeks of self-monitoring and assessing myself. After much self-reflection and self-assessment, my answer was no. Then yes. Then maybe. And now, no. Although maybe could still be an option later.
The reasons I say yes is because I am exposed three times a week to someone who is Paleo and super duper committed to working out and looking goooood while helping me do it. The other reason is that when he seemed disinterested in me, I jumped off the Paleo bandwagon and cheated immensely: eating ice cream cake and spinach artichoke dip. After that meal, I was so mad at myself and wondered if I changed my eating habits for him . Crazy question, right? But it wasn't. It was a very honest question that I had to answer.
As I've continued to work out with him, I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't like me (romantically), and yet, I'm still determined to work out regularly and to eat as healthily as I can. After realizing that this was the answer, I changed my answer to no, because I am committed to healthiness because I CHOOSE TO BE. I'm not following this healthy lifestyle because of someone else. I'm doing it for me. Besides, I started working out even before hiring him to give me my 10 workout sessions.
Meanwhile, I've also realized the perks of liking someone, even if it is just a one-way street. It's nice to have a crush, to flirt, and to look at a guy who has a fit bod and who is so-patient with telling me how to improve my body/health. Maybe that's why I've found him so attractive. For the first time in my life EVER, I feel attracted to someone for who he is rather than what I imagine him to be.
I have NEVER liked anyone for the simplicity of who they are. It's always been who I project them to be. I imagine and wonder what kind of boyfriend they would be. I fantasize the possibilities of them being a good husband, a good father, a good son-in-law, etc. etc. I create endless scenarios about having a future together, when in truth, I don't even know them that well at the beginning. This time around, however, I imagine nothing about my trainer and want nothing more. I'm simply look forward to meeting with him to , learning from him, watching him, and also checking him out while watching his moves. Haha! Talk about living in the present! That's exactly what I'm doing. Enjoying the present and not flying off into possible dreams of the future.
My tendencies to skyrocket into la-la land make this crush all the more meaningful. It's sooo nice to like someone just for who they are, and to want nothing more. I like my trainer because he's a) nice, b) patient, c) hot, d) physically healthy and seemingly emotionally healthy, e) knowledgable, f) passionate about nutrition and health sciences, and e) has a gorgeous body.
That's it! Those are the facts! And those are based on my real experiences rather than my imaginations. It's great to just like someone and leave it at that. At this point in time, I want nothing from him other than the enjoying of being able to feel attraction toward someone. It's unfamiliar for me to just like someone and not want more. However, I am also in-touch with myself enough to know that I do not want to be in a relationship right now. I cannot offer myself to anyone right now. I refuse to make compromises or sacrifices right now. And I simply don't know enough about myself to even date to be in a relationship right now.
These realizations bring me back to my initial statement about being honest. Am I doing Paleo and working out routinely for someone else? Is this another example of adapting to someone else (because I like them or were in relationships with them)? I can firmly say that the answer is no. No, because I'm aware now that I adapt too easily to others' hobbies and interests. It's true that I pride myself on being open-minded and able to like many many things. But to actually call it my "hobby" is different. In the past, if the person I was dating had hobby ____, then I would also be open to having hobby ___, or interest ____. I didn't even know I was doing it, but I did!
I do not want to do that again.
Instead, I want to learn more about myself these days and to nurture myself into being physically and emotionally healthy. I am still in recovery! I am still healing from the last relationship! And I need to learn more about me. Which is why (for now) I am just so happy to be able to feel attraction for someone. Being able to just like someone makes me happy. But it's also just a perk, and not the reason I'm striving for holistic healthiness. I mean, come on! I started this blog months ago!
Is that bad? Is that embarassing to admit? Am I being so healthy these days because of a cute guy?
I've had to re-assess whether my commitment to eating Paleo and working out regularly is because of him. Is it?
Am I invested in eating Paleo and going to the gym because I'm attracted to someone who is practicing this kind of lifestyle?
In order to get this answer, I've been doing 2 weeks of self-monitoring and assessing myself. After much self-reflection and self-assessment, my answer was no. Then yes. Then maybe. And now, no. Although maybe could still be an option later.
The reasons I say yes is because I am exposed three times a week to someone who is Paleo and super duper committed to working out and looking goooood while helping me do it. The other reason is that when he seemed disinterested in me, I jumped off the Paleo bandwagon and cheated immensely: eating ice cream cake and spinach artichoke dip. After that meal, I was so mad at myself and wondered if I changed my eating habits for him . Crazy question, right? But it wasn't. It was a very honest question that I had to answer.
As I've continued to work out with him, I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't like me (romantically), and yet, I'm still determined to work out regularly and to eat as healthily as I can. After realizing that this was the answer, I changed my answer to no, because I am committed to healthiness because I CHOOSE TO BE. I'm not following this healthy lifestyle because of someone else. I'm doing it for me. Besides, I started working out even before hiring him to give me my 10 workout sessions.
Meanwhile, I've also realized the perks of liking someone, even if it is just a one-way street. It's nice to have a crush, to flirt, and to look at a guy who has a fit bod and who is so-patient with telling me how to improve my body/health. Maybe that's why I've found him so attractive. For the first time in my life EVER, I feel attracted to someone for who he is rather than what I imagine him to be.
I have NEVER liked anyone for the simplicity of who they are. It's always been who I project them to be. I imagine and wonder what kind of boyfriend they would be. I fantasize the possibilities of them being a good husband, a good father, a good son-in-law, etc. etc. I create endless scenarios about having a future together, when in truth, I don't even know them that well at the beginning. This time around, however, I imagine nothing about my trainer and want nothing more. I'm simply look forward to meeting with him to , learning from him, watching him, and also checking him out while watching his moves. Haha! Talk about living in the present! That's exactly what I'm doing. Enjoying the present and not flying off into possible dreams of the future.
My tendencies to skyrocket into la-la land make this crush all the more meaningful. It's sooo nice to like someone just for who they are, and to want nothing more. I like my trainer because he's a) nice, b) patient, c) hot, d) physically healthy and seemingly emotionally healthy, e) knowledgable, f) passionate about nutrition and health sciences, and e) has a gorgeous body.
That's it! Those are the facts! And those are based on my real experiences rather than my imaginations. It's great to just like someone and leave it at that. At this point in time, I want nothing from him other than the enjoying of being able to feel attraction toward someone. It's unfamiliar for me to just like someone and not want more. However, I am also in-touch with myself enough to know that I do not want to be in a relationship right now. I cannot offer myself to anyone right now. I refuse to make compromises or sacrifices right now. And I simply don't know enough about myself to even date to be in a relationship right now.
These realizations bring me back to my initial statement about being honest. Am I doing Paleo and working out routinely for someone else? Is this another example of adapting to someone else (because I like them or were in relationships with them)? I can firmly say that the answer is no. No, because I'm aware now that I adapt too easily to others' hobbies and interests. It's true that I pride myself on being open-minded and able to like many many things. But to actually call it my "hobby" is different. In the past, if the person I was dating had hobby ____, then I would also be open to having hobby ___, or interest ____. I didn't even know I was doing it, but I did!
I do not want to do that again.
Instead, I want to learn more about myself these days and to nurture myself into being physically and emotionally healthy. I am still in recovery! I am still healing from the last relationship! And I need to learn more about me. Which is why (for now) I am just so happy to be able to feel attraction for someone. Being able to just like someone makes me happy. But it's also just a perk, and not the reason I'm striving for holistic healthiness. I mean, come on! I started this blog months ago!
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