I'm going home tomorrow! Must. take. deep breath.
I just looked up Robert's name online, and of course, there's nothing to be found. I don't know why he's such a... secretive person in general. What's worse is my compulsion to dig his information to know more about him.
If someone wants to run away from you, run far far from you, and to go somewhere hidden so you can never find him, then why oh why do I spend so much time and effort wondering and even searching?
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then you know."
I know. What I know is that without intending to let go, it has already flown far far away from me. And not only that, it has purposely hidden itself from me (and from the rest of society) because it doesn't want to be discovered. It doesn't want to belong to me. It doesn't want to come back. And even though it hasn't been back for years, I haven't been able to accept that that's the answer.
I don't want to. I don't want to accept that as the answer. I'm still waiting for him to come back. When that happens, then I'll choose to know. For now, I don't know. I'm still... waiting.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Monday, December 19, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
All around self-confidence
Confidence, where are you?
For the longest time, I've thought that I had low self-confidence in specific areas of my life, such as in clinical work (compared to research), sexiness (as opposed to humor), and fun-ness (compared to my... wisdom?). Other than these select parts of me, I thought I had pretty good self-confidence.
Especially after my practice-interview, I thought I was feeling good about myself.
But then 2 things happened and now I am not so sure. The first is that I had my 1st phone interview and I did not feel good afterwards. Talking with 5 people in a conference call and getting no feedback was a killer to my ego. My self-doubts got the best of me. I imagined them writing notes on their legal pads, giving each other smirks about this incoherent interviewee, and raising their eyebrows to express their doubts about me. When the interview finally ended, I felt terrible. I felt nauseous, my chest felt tight, my back and neck felt stiff and sore, and I had a terrible headache. I felt that way for hours without any improvement. I even worked out for 30 minutes on the treadmill and took Mr. Z. for a cold brisk walk. Nothing worked.
The second thing that happened was that I collected all of my data for my dissertation project. This is the project of all projects, and it is a huge accomplishment, let me just say. But I couldn’t fully enjoy it because I had some glitches along the way that made me doubt whether my product was “good enough.” The self-doubt plagued me, I tell ya! And it was nothing I could do because the glitches were based on my participants’ lack of following my instructions. Nevertheless, I worried about this for awhile before talking with a professional and getting her feedback that data is data and that I am officially done. She also said something to me that made me re-assess my self-doubts as a whole person. She said to me, “You know, even the way you’re framing the question puts a doubt into my mind and makes me wonder things I don’t need to wonder about. You’re putting that there when you don’t need to. You need to have confidence in the work that you do and to tell people what you have and what you’re going to do with it. People don’t need to know all of the teeny details. They want to know what are you going to do next, and since you know, then you should just have the confidence to proceed.”
BAM! What a reality check that I lack confidence in every which way possible. I am going to think about that some more this weekend because her comments are so true and touch me at a very deep level.
For the longest time, I've thought that I had low self-confidence in specific areas of my life, such as in clinical work (compared to research), sexiness (as opposed to humor), and fun-ness (compared to my... wisdom?). Other than these select parts of me, I thought I had pretty good self-confidence.
Especially after my practice-interview, I thought I was feeling good about myself.
But then 2 things happened and now I am not so sure. The first is that I had my 1st phone interview and I did not feel good afterwards. Talking with 5 people in a conference call and getting no feedback was a killer to my ego. My self-doubts got the best of me. I imagined them writing notes on their legal pads, giving each other smirks about this incoherent interviewee, and raising their eyebrows to express their doubts about me. When the interview finally ended, I felt terrible. I felt nauseous, my chest felt tight, my back and neck felt stiff and sore, and I had a terrible headache. I felt that way for hours without any improvement. I even worked out for 30 minutes on the treadmill and took Mr. Z. for a cold brisk walk. Nothing worked.
The second thing that happened was that I collected all of my data for my dissertation project. This is the project of all projects, and it is a huge accomplishment, let me just say. But I couldn’t fully enjoy it because I had some glitches along the way that made me doubt whether my product was “good enough.” The self-doubt plagued me, I tell ya! And it was nothing I could do because the glitches were based on my participants’ lack of following my instructions. Nevertheless, I worried about this for awhile before talking with a professional and getting her feedback that data is data and that I am officially done. She also said something to me that made me re-assess my self-doubts as a whole person. She said to me, “You know, even the way you’re framing the question puts a doubt into my mind and makes me wonder things I don’t need to wonder about. You’re putting that there when you don’t need to. You need to have confidence in the work that you do and to tell people what you have and what you’re going to do with it. People don’t need to know all of the teeny details. They want to know what are you going to do next, and since you know, then you should just have the confidence to proceed.”
BAM! What a reality check that I lack confidence in every which way possible. I am going to think about that some more this weekend because her comments are so true and touch me at a very deep level.
Long visit home
I am getting... anxious. I am going home for the holidays soon. I've never gone back home to see family so frequently. But it just so happens that my schedule is more flexible this year and because I have interviews back there-- that I will be in my hometown for approximately... 3 weeks.
3. weeks. Gahh! The anxiety has been creeping up on me these days because I haven't been home for so long. It's true, I do feel like I "ran away" after Robert and I broke up. As it was, I lived across the country attending college. But I took the next step to study abroad (which I already wanted to anyways). If I’m honest enough, I can admit that part of the reason did include running away. I simply didn’t/don't know how to live in the same suburb with someone who is 5 minutes away and yet has purposely chosen to cut-of-all-contact from me. So, in addition to wanting to see the world, travel, and study, I thought to myself: why subject myself to the torture of being so close when I can also flee the scene?
So, I have fled and fled and now I may be back there for the next year. I’ll certainly be back for 3 weeks starting next week. In the upcoming month, I imagine a ton of journal entries delving into grief, loss, letting-go, and heartaches. Ugh.
3. weeks. Gahh! The anxiety has been creeping up on me these days because I haven't been home for so long. It's true, I do feel like I "ran away" after Robert and I broke up. As it was, I lived across the country attending college. But I took the next step to study abroad (which I already wanted to anyways). If I’m honest enough, I can admit that part of the reason did include running away. I simply didn’t/don't know how to live in the same suburb with someone who is 5 minutes away and yet has purposely chosen to cut-of-all-contact from me. So, in addition to wanting to see the world, travel, and study, I thought to myself: why subject myself to the torture of being so close when I can also flee the scene?
So, I have fled and fled and now I may be back there for the next year. I’ll certainly be back for 3 weeks starting next week. In the upcoming month, I imagine a ton of journal entries delving into grief, loss, letting-go, and heartaches. Ugh.
Honesty without apology
I have an interview coming up in a few days and I am nervous!
Today, I had a practice-interview with a previous supervisor who knows my clinical work. Just sitting with her soothed my nerves. She let me just "be" and she was so open and embracing that I found myself feeling good about myself without even knowing it!
Being with people like her remind me of who I was before I experienced serious self-doubt. I don't know if this has to do with B. entirely, but I do find myself being reminded of what I was like before, when I felt good about myself, my work, my abilities, my characteristics, my sense of me.
That's it! I am getting bits of pieces of "me" through my interactions with people these days. Throughout a large part of my relationship with B., I avoided people, I dodged conversations and kept them superficial, and I hid. I hid so much because of my shame. I hid because I didn't know how to explain, let alone understand the relationship we were in. It's been so lonely. And now, as I emerge back into a healthy lifestyle, with friends, deep social connections, and the ability to be open, genuine, and honest with myself and with them-- I remember what it's like to be me. I remember what it's like to face each day and each person without shame, embarrassment, confusion, avoidance, and dread. It feels so good to just "be." Feels good to be "just me."
My previous supervisor also gave me really a good piece of advice for interviewing. Her advice is actually so good, I'm going to apply it to my life as well. She said to me that in any interview, she believes that one should approach it honestly. In fact, her exact words were: "honesty without apology."
I love it. I want to live my life this way too! I want to face myself this way too! I am honest about the mistakes that I have made, the insecurities that I have, and I am able to accept that I am still working to figure myself out and to figure out how to be in good, healthy relationships. I don't have to be so apologetic that I shame myself into a hole. I can just accept that I am where I am, and that the journey is continuous. HONESTY WITHOUT APOLOGY.
I love it.
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