Before running into B. in the parking lot, I had discovered a note jammed in the door of my car.
It was a note from B., from the day before. In it, he wrote HI!!! He wrote that he was so happy to see me even if it was just for a few seconds before I went into a meeting with my advisor. He said he went to my office 1 hour ago but was not able to find me. He said he was in town for the next 2 days because he is working on a project with his former advisor. He said he wishes me well and he used terms of affection to refer to me. He emphasized wanting to thank me twice. He said that he no longer smokes. He no longer drinks. He's working on publishing his 3rd book. And last but not least, he is single and has not dating a prospective partner for marriage. Oh, and good luck at my meetings!
My reactions:
1. WTF, are you crazy? What world are you living in that you think our "seeing" each other was a good thing? I was so busy running away from you, why would you think it was a purposeful meeting instead of me avoiding you altogether?
2. How dare you use terms of affection to refer to me. We broke up almost 9 months ago and it was not on good terms. I said don't show up to my office, don't call me, don't email me, don't contact me in any way. Why would you think we are even the slightest bit friendly with each other?
3. Good for you that you no longer smoke, drink, and womanize. On the one hand, I am happy for you. I hope you are living a healthier life. On the other hand, I feel like his health has been exchanged for mine. I lost so much at the expense of this change. I've been dragged through so much pain for the good he feels now. Ironic that he never thought drinking/smoking/womanizing was a problem. Now you thank me for getting you out of all those nasty habits?
4. How does he know that I'm going to meeting after meeting after meeting?
Following our confrontation, I felt quite a lot of guilt. I thought of his note and wondered about his efforts to change and be healthy. In no way do I EVER want to be back with him. Never ever ever ever ever. I'd sooner jump off a high-riser than let him touch even one single hair on me.
But still, if someone is attempting to change for the better, shouldn't they get some bit of encouragement? Shouldn't there be some recognition of strivings for growth (even if their growth was at the expense of your health)?
So, that was my guilt. And I did feel guilty for being so cruel, so mean, and so cold to him. Therein lies that cycle where he makes me feel like I'm crazy, I'm mean, I'm the perpetrator and he's the victim. So many friends have had to remind me that our dynamic is part of a bigger process, and not an isolated event. I am not mean to him on this one occasion. It is the ONLY way to deal with him and to give him the consistent message that I do NOT want him near me. It is also the ONLY way to respond to him, because any sign of softness will be interpreted as weakness and he will prey on me... again. Still, I felt guilty and spent an afternoon hiding in my covers feeling very very bad.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Guilt
Guilt. That dirty little thing. It's almost as bad as shame, but it's actually very different. It's about what you DID as opposed to who you ARE. It's less of an identity-problem than shame, but it's worse in some ways because you can actually change it. You can believe that if you did something different, you would feel less guilty. Whereas, with shame, there's nothing you can do to change feeling shameful... other than change who you are altogether, I suppose.
I had so much guilt after my encounter with B. I felt so mean, cruel, so cold, and simultaneously, I felt disgusted with these feelings at the same time. My run-in with him is identical to other encounters we have had. Time and time again, when he has broken my heart, devastated me, and dragged my morale through glass shards, he will re-appear before me with a big smile and a big hug, asking me, "what's wrong?" That is B.'s signature move and it killed me-- the most slow and gruesome pain I could have ever experienced. He did it to me over and over until I lost every shred of my identity and confidence in myself. I doubted every aspect of who I was, from my self-worth down to how I was feeling in-the-moment. It was B.'s world, not mine.
What usually happens is something devastating in our relationship. I just caught him cheating. We just had a huge blow-out fight. He just told me he has no intentions of pursuing long-distance dating and is just playing around until something better comes around. There will be tears, there will be pain, there will be heartache. But a few minutes later, or even a few hours later, he will re-emerge completely differently. He will have a smile on him when I see him again. He will show up looking absolutely happy and acting like we have not seen each other in ages. As I stand there feeling like my heart is figuratively dripping with blood, he will run towards me with open arms and ask me what's wrong. He will put on a sad puppy dog face and tell me he loves me. He will ask me if everything's OK, and he will play dumb and act genuinely concerned. He will appear concerned to see that I'm crying-- as though he is shocked that I am crying. He will make me feel like I'm certifiably crazy because of how starkly different our reactions are. And in time, I will wonder if I'm crazy. I will wonder why he is responding like nothing has happened when he just got caught cheating. I will wonder how he suddenly became a different person from 2 minutes/hours or even 1 day ago. As he embraces me, I will feel complete and utter confusion and I will wonder if I'm making it a bigger deal that it is. I will wonder if I'm too petty, and if my reaction is too dramatic. I will question why if I should even be angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, and confused. I will re-consider if my reaction is actually legitimate, or if I am the strange one, and I should act so care-free, like him.
B. has done that to me a countless number of times. Countless. I am not exaggerating. This happened so so so so much. That is why I fear him coming near me. That is why when he smiles at me, asks me what's wrong, ask me how it's going, I freak the fuck out. I seriously freak the fuck out in my head because it's happening again. He is manipulating with my identity, my feelings, my instincts, all over again. He is pulling me into his fantasy world and it is only a matter of minutes before I question everything I know.
In the 1-2 times that I've followed-through with my feelings, I will feel guilty afterwards. I will feel guilty for being in the same hurt/angry mode while he has already quickly switched into a lovey dovey/oblivious mode. He will put on the most genuine look of confusion, although I have sometimes seen a shadow of reality sink in. From the outside looking-in, an observer would feel sad for him, that a woman is yelling, screaming, crying, and pushing him away while he looks concerned, loving, caring, and confused. The scenario would look like a crazy girlfriend going ballistic while a patient, logical boyfriend is trying to understand and console her.
I remember when we went to 1 couples counseling session after I caught him cheating the 1st time. Throughout the entire session, he repeated one phrase and did not say anything other than that. His reaction to everything was: "... but i love her." He blocked out the reality of my pain and wanted to use that statement to make me forget all the pain and agony that I felt.
Me: Why would you do this?
Him: I love you.
Me: I don't understand! How could you? Why lie to me?
Him: But I love you.
Me: How can I trust you again?
Him: You have to. You just have to. I'm sorry. I love you.
Me: Just tell me what happened.
Him: I love you. I love you. I love just you.
In his world of inflicting pain (and having no consequences), I end up feeling crazy and mean and spiteful. I end up feeling like I am crazy and he is normal. I end up feeling like I am the problem, not him. And I end up feeling like I am the one hurting him, not the other way around.
That is the sick guilt that I felt from our relationship. Because he ran into fantasy world, I would feel guilty for being in reality. I would feel guilty that I was so hurt and wanted answers. I felt guilty for thinking I hurt him, for thinking I confused him, for thinking I deserved an explanation. Both he and I gave myself this guilt. And I am just as responsible for taking it on, and for letting him get away while I drowned myself in the pain AND the self-imposed guilt.
I had so much guilt after my encounter with B. I felt so mean, cruel, so cold, and simultaneously, I felt disgusted with these feelings at the same time. My run-in with him is identical to other encounters we have had. Time and time again, when he has broken my heart, devastated me, and dragged my morale through glass shards, he will re-appear before me with a big smile and a big hug, asking me, "what's wrong?" That is B.'s signature move and it killed me-- the most slow and gruesome pain I could have ever experienced. He did it to me over and over until I lost every shred of my identity and confidence in myself. I doubted every aspect of who I was, from my self-worth down to how I was feeling in-the-moment. It was B.'s world, not mine.
What usually happens is something devastating in our relationship. I just caught him cheating. We just had a huge blow-out fight. He just told me he has no intentions of pursuing long-distance dating and is just playing around until something better comes around. There will be tears, there will be pain, there will be heartache. But a few minutes later, or even a few hours later, he will re-emerge completely differently. He will have a smile on him when I see him again. He will show up looking absolutely happy and acting like we have not seen each other in ages. As I stand there feeling like my heart is figuratively dripping with blood, he will run towards me with open arms and ask me what's wrong. He will put on a sad puppy dog face and tell me he loves me. He will ask me if everything's OK, and he will play dumb and act genuinely concerned. He will appear concerned to see that I'm crying-- as though he is shocked that I am crying. He will make me feel like I'm certifiably crazy because of how starkly different our reactions are. And in time, I will wonder if I'm crazy. I will wonder why he is responding like nothing has happened when he just got caught cheating. I will wonder how he suddenly became a different person from 2 minutes/hours or even 1 day ago. As he embraces me, I will feel complete and utter confusion and I will wonder if I'm making it a bigger deal that it is. I will wonder if I'm too petty, and if my reaction is too dramatic. I will question why if I should even be angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, and confused. I will re-consider if my reaction is actually legitimate, or if I am the strange one, and I should act so care-free, like him.
B. has done that to me a countless number of times. Countless. I am not exaggerating. This happened so so so so much. That is why I fear him coming near me. That is why when he smiles at me, asks me what's wrong, ask me how it's going, I freak the fuck out. I seriously freak the fuck out in my head because it's happening again. He is manipulating with my identity, my feelings, my instincts, all over again. He is pulling me into his fantasy world and it is only a matter of minutes before I question everything I know.
In the 1-2 times that I've followed-through with my feelings, I will feel guilty afterwards. I will feel guilty for being in the same hurt/angry mode while he has already quickly switched into a lovey dovey/oblivious mode. He will put on the most genuine look of confusion, although I have sometimes seen a shadow of reality sink in. From the outside looking-in, an observer would feel sad for him, that a woman is yelling, screaming, crying, and pushing him away while he looks concerned, loving, caring, and confused. The scenario would look like a crazy girlfriend going ballistic while a patient, logical boyfriend is trying to understand and console her.
I remember when we went to 1 couples counseling session after I caught him cheating the 1st time. Throughout the entire session, he repeated one phrase and did not say anything other than that. His reaction to everything was: "... but i love her." He blocked out the reality of my pain and wanted to use that statement to make me forget all the pain and agony that I felt.
Me: Why would you do this?
Him: I love you.
Me: I don't understand! How could you? Why lie to me?
Him: But I love you.
Me: How can I trust you again?
Him: You have to. You just have to. I'm sorry. I love you.
Me: Just tell me what happened.
Him: I love you. I love you. I love just you.
In his world of inflicting pain (and having no consequences), I end up feeling crazy and mean and spiteful. I end up feeling like I am crazy and he is normal. I end up feeling like I am the problem, not him. And I end up feeling like I am the one hurting him, not the other way around.
That is the sick guilt that I felt from our relationship. Because he ran into fantasy world, I would feel guilty for being in reality. I would feel guilty that I was so hurt and wanted answers. I felt guilty for thinking I hurt him, for thinking I confused him, for thinking I deserved an explanation. Both he and I gave myself this guilt. And I am just as responsible for taking it on, and for letting him get away while I drowned myself in the pain AND the self-imposed guilt.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Confrontation
I actually ran-into B. in the parking lot today. I choose to believe it was an accidental encounter, although I wouldn't be that surprised if he had planned it.
I stood in shock and exasperation as he started laughing and saying what a coincidence it was. He laughed for a long time. As he laughed and commented on seeing my car and also parking 2 spaces away from my car, I looked up at the sky and said to myself, "ugh, I must be cursed." When I asked what he wanted from me, he said it was a coincidental run-in and completely unplanned. He asserted that he didn't even call me! And then he laughed some more. I coldly told him to "keep it that way" and started shuffling my feet to prepare to leave. In seconds, he was within arm's reach attempting to give me a huge hug. I quickly jumped back and stuck my hand out to maintain the distance between us. As seriously I could, I enunciated every word: "Do. not. touch. me. " He laughed as though I said a joke and he looked confused. True to my understanding of him, he acted like we were long-lost friends and asked me how I'm doing. He didn't take "fine" for an answer. He kept asking me, "really? really?" as though I couldn't possibly be fine. When I asked him what he wanted from me, he repeated that he wanted nothing because we were actually running into each other by accident in the parking lot. Our encounter probably lasted less than 2 minutes but it felt like much longer. I know that within that time, he tried again to hug me. And again, I moved quickly and asserted that I did not want him even near me, much less touch me. I don't remember what happened in the end, just that I said goodbye and left. I know he kept talking. I know he said things like "take care" or blah blah blah but I couldn't bother to listen. I just needed out, away. I just wanted him to be far far away. As I walked and heard his voice in the distance, I felt scared but also liberated. This is it, right? This has to be the last encounter, right? I'm making it crystal clear, aren't I? He won't follow me because he's finally getting it, right?
For some reason, I don't think I'm in the clear yet. I still have 1 more day before he supposedly leaves my state/city/workplace. At any given time, I fear he will show up. I fear he will corner me. I fear he will touch me and impose himself on me. When I think about what I'm most scared of, I think about that feeling of being trapped, stuck, dirty, and helpless. After our encounter today, I also realize that I fear exactly what I feel now: empathy, pity, and even guilt.
Following our confrontation, I had meeting-after-meeting-after meeting. I had such a headache that I took the afternoon off and returned home for a nap. I was just so tired. So frickin' tired and so avoidant of my feelings. I've spent the entire afternoon wondering if I was too mean. Wondering if I hurt his feelings. Wondering if he feels ambushed by my coldness and if I was uncharacteristically cruel.
The logical side of me knows I had to be clear, consistent, and cold. I want nothing to do with him, and every inch I give him will become part of what he takes from me. B. does not take no for answer. He can smell weakness and he knows how to take advantage of when a woman softens. Being the professional womanizer that he is, I know that being cruel is the only way for this to work. But in my heart-of-hearts, I also hate that I've had to change myself to respond to somoene. I hate having to be so out-of-character, so angry, so hurt, so sad, and so weak that I have to be mean instead of be peaceful from within.
Today, I am far from feeling peaceful. I feel disappointed, sad, and a little hopeless. I feel like all these weeks and even month(s) of growth were pointless. I don't even know if I ever moved forward. I feel enveloped in sadness and I am feeling so vividly, that angst I felt when I was with him. It is a mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, guilt, all mixed together and sapping every little bit of my identity and motivation. I am in it, once again. I feel like I am drowning once again. I just want to crawl into my covers once again.
I stood in shock and exasperation as he started laughing and saying what a coincidence it was. He laughed for a long time. As he laughed and commented on seeing my car and also parking 2 spaces away from my car, I looked up at the sky and said to myself, "ugh, I must be cursed." When I asked what he wanted from me, he said it was a coincidental run-in and completely unplanned. He asserted that he didn't even call me! And then he laughed some more. I coldly told him to "keep it that way" and started shuffling my feet to prepare to leave. In seconds, he was within arm's reach attempting to give me a huge hug. I quickly jumped back and stuck my hand out to maintain the distance between us. As seriously I could, I enunciated every word: "Do. not. touch. me. " He laughed as though I said a joke and he looked confused. True to my understanding of him, he acted like we were long-lost friends and asked me how I'm doing. He didn't take "fine" for an answer. He kept asking me, "really? really?" as though I couldn't possibly be fine. When I asked him what he wanted from me, he repeated that he wanted nothing because we were actually running into each other by accident in the parking lot. Our encounter probably lasted less than 2 minutes but it felt like much longer. I know that within that time, he tried again to hug me. And again, I moved quickly and asserted that I did not want him even near me, much less touch me. I don't remember what happened in the end, just that I said goodbye and left. I know he kept talking. I know he said things like "take care" or blah blah blah but I couldn't bother to listen. I just needed out, away. I just wanted him to be far far away. As I walked and heard his voice in the distance, I felt scared but also liberated. This is it, right? This has to be the last encounter, right? I'm making it crystal clear, aren't I? He won't follow me because he's finally getting it, right?
For some reason, I don't think I'm in the clear yet. I still have 1 more day before he supposedly leaves my state/city/workplace. At any given time, I fear he will show up. I fear he will corner me. I fear he will touch me and impose himself on me. When I think about what I'm most scared of, I think about that feeling of being trapped, stuck, dirty, and helpless. After our encounter today, I also realize that I fear exactly what I feel now: empathy, pity, and even guilt.
Following our confrontation, I had meeting-after-meeting-after meeting. I had such a headache that I took the afternoon off and returned home for a nap. I was just so tired. So frickin' tired and so avoidant of my feelings. I've spent the entire afternoon wondering if I was too mean. Wondering if I hurt his feelings. Wondering if he feels ambushed by my coldness and if I was uncharacteristically cruel.
The logical side of me knows I had to be clear, consistent, and cold. I want nothing to do with him, and every inch I give him will become part of what he takes from me. B. does not take no for answer. He can smell weakness and he knows how to take advantage of when a woman softens. Being the professional womanizer that he is, I know that being cruel is the only way for this to work. But in my heart-of-hearts, I also hate that I've had to change myself to respond to somoene. I hate having to be so out-of-character, so angry, so hurt, so sad, and so weak that I have to be mean instead of be peaceful from within.
Today, I am far from feeling peaceful. I feel disappointed, sad, and a little hopeless. I feel like all these weeks and even month(s) of growth were pointless. I don't even know if I ever moved forward. I feel enveloped in sadness and I am feeling so vividly, that angst I felt when I was with him. It is a mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, guilt, all mixed together and sapping every little bit of my identity and motivation. I am in it, once again. I feel like I am drowning once again. I just want to crawl into my covers once again.
Nightmare come true
My nightmare came true yesterday. What I feared most actually happened.
B. came back into my life.
As I parked my car at school yesterday, my good friend Connie called and whispered a bunch of things I couldn't understand over the phone. The only thing that made sense was, "where are you? where are you now?" It turns out, she was standing outside of my office door, spying on B. who was walking up and down the hall waiting for me and knocking on my door.
I bolted as soon as I heard this news and didn't even stop to grab my jacket, my purse, or even the change that I needed to plug the parking meter. I just started walking toward the building hoping to disappear somewhere. At that precise moment of course, the door opens and who do you think is standing there headed straight toward me?
As soon as we make eye contact, I turn and walk in the opposite direction as fast as possible. I walk to another building and quickly run into the women's bathroom. Connie is on the phone now and she is on the heels of B., telling me that he is waiting outside the women's bathroom. Hearing this gives me even more chills and I quickly close myself behind a stall and wait in fear. When the bathroom door opens and I hear sounds of shuffled footsteps, I hold my breath and close my eyes. Fortunately, it is Connie, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. My knees are shaking, my hands are shaking, my heart is beating rapidly, and I feel trapped. He knows I'm in here. He knows where my car is. He knows where my office is. He knows where my apartment is. I am stuck, I am stuck, I am stuck. I also have a meeting in 5 minutes and I don't know what to do. Why I am hiding in the bathroom and how will I get out, unnoticed? Connie asks me what I need from her. She wonders if she should go out first? She wonders if we should call the police? She wonders if I should just stay in the bathroom for as long as I possibly can.
I say no to all of the options and ask her to walk me to my next few destinations. First, to my car, where I must retrieve my items. Then to the office downstairs where I have to conduct an evaluation. I know I can't run too far, too long, and at some point, there will probably be a confrontation. At least knowing he's here takes the surprise element away so I can prepare... later. For now, I have a meeting and I have to go. I have to go because I have professional responsibilities. I have to walk out, even if I just want to cower in fear and close my eyes and wish him away. The best thing is for Connie to accompany me because I cannot deal with a confrontation now. I do not have the time and I am not in the frame of mind. Maybe after the evaluation. Maybe after his existence sinks in.
We open the bathroom door and we walk out. B. does not appear to be out there. We go to the car and surprisingly, B. is not near the car either. Whew. Finally, we head to my office and just as I am about to make it to the clinic, the doorway on the other end of the hallway opens and there he is. At the same time, the side door opens and my advisor comes out and greets us. B. also looks at my advisor and greets him-- which is both strange and uncomfortable because my advisor does not know who he is. Everyone just freezes. We all stand there, the 4 of us, unmoving for a second. Connie comes to her senses and asks me to unlock a door for her. It's a great excuse and one that buys me some time. I quickly do so and then walk away with my advisor. All the while B. looks at me from just a few steps away, waiting to see what my response is. The whole time, I act like like he's not there. Connie buffers our contact, standing right in front of me until I walk into the clinic.
Once I get into the clinic, my advisor asks me who B. is. My advisor felt the uncomfortable tension in the hallway and finds me looking unlike myself. I open my mouth to speak but the evaluation is about to begin and two of my colleagues are already waiting for us. I don't know how the next 30 minutes happened because I can't remember a thing. My mind is a blur. I don't even know if I made sense.
Afterwards, I visit Connie near my office for a brainstorming session of what to do. I'm still in shock and I'm afraid to go anywhere that I can be alone. Connie calls our campus police, posing hypothetical scenarios about what-to-do-if-your-ex-won't-leave-you-alone. I'm still in shock and still in denial. I want him out of my life and as far away from me as possible. I don't know why he is here and what he wants from me. This is my biggest fear come true, and here it is, surrounding me, haunting me, following me.
B. came back into my life.
As I parked my car at school yesterday, my good friend Connie called and whispered a bunch of things I couldn't understand over the phone. The only thing that made sense was, "where are you? where are you now?" It turns out, she was standing outside of my office door, spying on B. who was walking up and down the hall waiting for me and knocking on my door.
I bolted as soon as I heard this news and didn't even stop to grab my jacket, my purse, or even the change that I needed to plug the parking meter. I just started walking toward the building hoping to disappear somewhere. At that precise moment of course, the door opens and who do you think is standing there headed straight toward me?
As soon as we make eye contact, I turn and walk in the opposite direction as fast as possible. I walk to another building and quickly run into the women's bathroom. Connie is on the phone now and she is on the heels of B., telling me that he is waiting outside the women's bathroom. Hearing this gives me even more chills and I quickly close myself behind a stall and wait in fear. When the bathroom door opens and I hear sounds of shuffled footsteps, I hold my breath and close my eyes. Fortunately, it is Connie, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. My knees are shaking, my hands are shaking, my heart is beating rapidly, and I feel trapped. He knows I'm in here. He knows where my car is. He knows where my office is. He knows where my apartment is. I am stuck, I am stuck, I am stuck. I also have a meeting in 5 minutes and I don't know what to do. Why I am hiding in the bathroom and how will I get out, unnoticed? Connie asks me what I need from her. She wonders if she should go out first? She wonders if we should call the police? She wonders if I should just stay in the bathroom for as long as I possibly can.
I say no to all of the options and ask her to walk me to my next few destinations. First, to my car, where I must retrieve my items. Then to the office downstairs where I have to conduct an evaluation. I know I can't run too far, too long, and at some point, there will probably be a confrontation. At least knowing he's here takes the surprise element away so I can prepare... later. For now, I have a meeting and I have to go. I have to go because I have professional responsibilities. I have to walk out, even if I just want to cower in fear and close my eyes and wish him away. The best thing is for Connie to accompany me because I cannot deal with a confrontation now. I do not have the time and I am not in the frame of mind. Maybe after the evaluation. Maybe after his existence sinks in.
We open the bathroom door and we walk out. B. does not appear to be out there. We go to the car and surprisingly, B. is not near the car either. Whew. Finally, we head to my office and just as I am about to make it to the clinic, the doorway on the other end of the hallway opens and there he is. At the same time, the side door opens and my advisor comes out and greets us. B. also looks at my advisor and greets him-- which is both strange and uncomfortable because my advisor does not know who he is. Everyone just freezes. We all stand there, the 4 of us, unmoving for a second. Connie comes to her senses and asks me to unlock a door for her. It's a great excuse and one that buys me some time. I quickly do so and then walk away with my advisor. All the while B. looks at me from just a few steps away, waiting to see what my response is. The whole time, I act like like he's not there. Connie buffers our contact, standing right in front of me until I walk into the clinic.
Once I get into the clinic, my advisor asks me who B. is. My advisor felt the uncomfortable tension in the hallway and finds me looking unlike myself. I open my mouth to speak but the evaluation is about to begin and two of my colleagues are already waiting for us. I don't know how the next 30 minutes happened because I can't remember a thing. My mind is a blur. I don't even know if I made sense.
Afterwards, I visit Connie near my office for a brainstorming session of what to do. I'm still in shock and I'm afraid to go anywhere that I can be alone. Connie calls our campus police, posing hypothetical scenarios about what-to-do-if-your-ex-won't-leave-you-alone. I'm still in shock and still in denial. I want him out of my life and as far away from me as possible. I don't know why he is here and what he wants from me. This is my biggest fear come true, and here it is, surrounding me, haunting me, following me.
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