I am an emotional eater. I realized this last night after stuffing my face. Considering I joined a bootcamp workout, you would think I'd curtail bad eating habits and try to start fresh. Instead, I went into self-sabotage mode and ate a peanut-butter chocolate cupcake, 15 pieces of chips (baked is better I suppose), broccoli, cauliflower, and baby carrots dipped in homemade salsa and hummus, and then some cereal. I also had a cup of blueberries and blackberries.
For some reason, even after eating all these supposedly nutritious foods--- no longer nutritious because of their quantity in my stomach -- I felt unfulfilled. Scratch that, I felt hungry. Or maybe even empty. I craved crunchiness, so I had gone for the chips. Then I needed sweetness to balance out the salty, so I went for the fruits. Afterwards, I wanted some healthy, so I thought to compensate by going for the fruits. No matter what I ate, however, it just didn't seem enough. In between all of the different things I was eating, I was also drinking copious amounts of water-- an attempt to keep myself hydrated after such an intense work out during the day.
This is not my first attempt to try and be healthy. I have already been on a month-long "portion control" plan, trying to decrease my quantity of food. But I feel disappointed by the results and so, I went into sabotage mode. Not consciously, probably. But my mood certainly set the stage for eating like it was my last day on earth.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Disgust
I feel disgusted by B.
Having been broken-up for exactly 7 months (as of yesterday-- wow!), I don't understand why he keeps trying to be connected with me. In as many social networking sites as possible, he's been showing up in my email inbox, with headings that say "_____ wants to be in your circle!" Whether it's a professional networking site or just a personal group, like google plus, he's been adamant about pushing his way in. Much like before, he is not taking "no" for an answer and he is imposing himself into my life, my space.
This feeling is similar to that of being... raped. I don't mean to offend anyone who actually has been a survivor and a victim of physical rape. But I feel so invaded, so powerless, so targeted, and so disgusted. I feel disgusted at him and at myself for having been with him and continuing to be something he wants in his life.
This time around, I am different. I will not succumb to him because he wants it. In the past, when I have said "no no no no no", he had ignored me altogether and continued to do what pleases him. When I have said "let's break up", he will act like I never said it and come back the next day all smiles. When I have caught him cheating with other women, he will also act like it never happened. When we have gotten into huge blow-out fights, he will ask me 1) if I'm upset and 2) what is wrong? -- because he hasn't got a clue as to why I'm not super happy. That's the manipulative thing about B. Does he really not know? Or does he feign not-knowing so he can masquerade happiness in his own life-- and impose that fakeness into mine?
In truth, I tried to break up with him several times before officially cutting ties 7 months ago. In most of the times that we got back together-- it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to be together. It was because he wouldn't let go of me, and he wouldn't let me live my life until he was back in it. I felt so stuck. I felt so so trapped. My "no"s have never meant anything to him, and I feel a familiar sense of sickness in my stomach when he does the same thing today--- except in cyberspace.
My greatest fear is that he will show up at my door one day. He will have a genuine, heartfelt smile plastered on his face, and he will run up to me arms wide open being ever so happy to see me. He will want to touch, hug, and tell me how great it is to see me. I know with 100000% certainty he will act like nothing has happened and that I haven't been so severely damaged by him and our ex-relationship. And as for my emotional responses? I will freeze. I will want to squeeze into myself so that I am not touched by him. I will feel dirty and disgusted by him. I will also feel invalidated for all the heartache and resentment I've experienced throughout the relationship-- because his avoidance of it will be his way of saying that my pain didn't happen. His avoidance altogether is his way of erasing a history that has been so salient during the past 2 years of my life.
The thought of this scenario makes my skin crawl. As I am typing, my stomach is tightening up and my heart is pounding faster and louder. I feel an intense warmth spreading throughout my abdomen-- a very powerful sense of... anger, maybe? frustration? Nono, it's anger alright. I want to shove him far far away from me, whether it's in cyberspace or in real life. I want to never see him again, never hear him again, never have to co-exist in the same place as him. My anger has come alive, after 2 years of being with a womanizer. My anger, as of recently, is finally here.
Having been broken-up for exactly 7 months (as of yesterday-- wow!), I don't understand why he keeps trying to be connected with me. In as many social networking sites as possible, he's been showing up in my email inbox, with headings that say "_____ wants to be in your circle!" Whether it's a professional networking site or just a personal group, like google plus, he's been adamant about pushing his way in. Much like before, he is not taking "no" for an answer and he is imposing himself into my life, my space.
This feeling is similar to that of being... raped. I don't mean to offend anyone who actually has been a survivor and a victim of physical rape. But I feel so invaded, so powerless, so targeted, and so disgusted. I feel disgusted at him and at myself for having been with him and continuing to be something he wants in his life.
This time around, I am different. I will not succumb to him because he wants it. In the past, when I have said "no no no no no", he had ignored me altogether and continued to do what pleases him. When I have said "let's break up", he will act like I never said it and come back the next day all smiles. When I have caught him cheating with other women, he will also act like it never happened. When we have gotten into huge blow-out fights, he will ask me 1) if I'm upset and 2) what is wrong? -- because he hasn't got a clue as to why I'm not super happy. That's the manipulative thing about B. Does he really not know? Or does he feign not-knowing so he can masquerade happiness in his own life-- and impose that fakeness into mine?
In truth, I tried to break up with him several times before officially cutting ties 7 months ago. In most of the times that we got back together-- it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to be together. It was because he wouldn't let go of me, and he wouldn't let me live my life until he was back in it. I felt so stuck. I felt so so trapped. My "no"s have never meant anything to him, and I feel a familiar sense of sickness in my stomach when he does the same thing today--- except in cyberspace.
My greatest fear is that he will show up at my door one day. He will have a genuine, heartfelt smile plastered on his face, and he will run up to me arms wide open being ever so happy to see me. He will want to touch, hug, and tell me how great it is to see me. I know with 100000% certainty he will act like nothing has happened and that I haven't been so severely damaged by him and our ex-relationship. And as for my emotional responses? I will freeze. I will want to squeeze into myself so that I am not touched by him. I will feel dirty and disgusted by him. I will also feel invalidated for all the heartache and resentment I've experienced throughout the relationship-- because his avoidance of it will be his way of saying that my pain didn't happen. His avoidance altogether is his way of erasing a history that has been so salient during the past 2 years of my life.
The thought of this scenario makes my skin crawl. As I am typing, my stomach is tightening up and my heart is pounding faster and louder. I feel an intense warmth spreading throughout my abdomen-- a very powerful sense of... anger, maybe? frustration? Nono, it's anger alright. I want to shove him far far away from me, whether it's in cyberspace or in real life. I want to never see him again, never hear him again, never have to co-exist in the same place as him. My anger has come alive, after 2 years of being with a womanizer. My anger, as of recently, is finally here.
Short-term future plans
I am going through an existential crisis. I'm past my quarter-life crisis, but this might as well be it. Having finished all my interviews for clinical internship, I am now faced with ranking each site and waiting to see if I will "match" with one of them. Exactly half of my sites are near home, and the other half is spread throughout the country. Depending on where I go-- even if it is just for a year-- I feel that my decision-making process is an existential and spiritual process towards self-exploration.
The people who understand me understand the magnitude of this decision. Going home for me means many things. It means facing my fears of being in my hometown (Robert-less). It also means confronting my assumptions that being home will mean reconciliation with Robert. These last 2 sentences were pretty contradictory so I'll explain. I always thought that Robert will "one day" give me some sort of explanation about what happened. I envisioned getting-back together afterwards (because in my head, Robert can do no wrong) and living happily ever after. As such, my entire premise for going back to my home state is, in many ways, for Robert. Nono, let me rephrase, it's to pick up my life back with Robert. I hate to admit it, but I harbor guilt and responsibility for our breakup. I wonder if I never left home for college, if we would still be together. I wonder if I am responsible for creating that emotional distance because I was certainly 100% culpable for the physical distance. And if I am responsible for something breaking, then aren't I equally responsible for the fixing?
Going home means repentance, in many ways. It means I can undo what I think I've done. But what have I done? I don't entirely know why Robert and I broke up, so it is illogical to think I can fix something that I don't understand. So, the conflicting truth is that going home means having to face being useless and powerless in fixing the situation. And going home means having to re-establish a life and an identity separate from the hopes of "what-if" with Robert.
While my decision lasts only one year, I still feel like it has serious long-term implications on my life. I don't care as much about professional development. That seems to come more easily for me. What's challenging is my personal life! I thought that by this time, I would have met my soulmate! I'm supposed to be committed in a long-term relationship! I should have some idea of where I'm going to permanently reside one day... shouldn't I?
Alas, I feel like a nomad-- which I really am, because no place is entirely my home. My childhood home is on one side of the country. My college years which were my first years of living away from family are on the opposite side of the country. For the last half of the decade, I've been somewhere in-between the two places, equally far away from both sides, yet feeling equally content here as I would be anywhere.
What does the future hold for me? And where will my future be? I thought I would have someone make that decision for me. The coward in me has assumed that my parents would want me to be closer to them. I also envisioned a long-term husband to have some preference as well! But neither are the case, and I am as free as a bird! What a privilege! What a honor! What loneliness, too.
The people who understand me understand the magnitude of this decision. Going home for me means many things. It means facing my fears of being in my hometown (Robert-less). It also means confronting my assumptions that being home will mean reconciliation with Robert. These last 2 sentences were pretty contradictory so I'll explain. I always thought that Robert will "one day" give me some sort of explanation about what happened. I envisioned getting-back together afterwards (because in my head, Robert can do no wrong) and living happily ever after. As such, my entire premise for going back to my home state is, in many ways, for Robert. Nono, let me rephrase, it's to pick up my life back with Robert. I hate to admit it, but I harbor guilt and responsibility for our breakup. I wonder if I never left home for college, if we would still be together. I wonder if I am responsible for creating that emotional distance because I was certainly 100% culpable for the physical distance. And if I am responsible for something breaking, then aren't I equally responsible for the fixing?
Going home means repentance, in many ways. It means I can undo what I think I've done. But what have I done? I don't entirely know why Robert and I broke up, so it is illogical to think I can fix something that I don't understand. So, the conflicting truth is that going home means having to face being useless and powerless in fixing the situation. And going home means having to re-establish a life and an identity separate from the hopes of "what-if" with Robert.
While my decision lasts only one year, I still feel like it has serious long-term implications on my life. I don't care as much about professional development. That seems to come more easily for me. What's challenging is my personal life! I thought that by this time, I would have met my soulmate! I'm supposed to be committed in a long-term relationship! I should have some idea of where I'm going to permanently reside one day... shouldn't I?
Alas, I feel like a nomad-- which I really am, because no place is entirely my home. My childhood home is on one side of the country. My college years which were my first years of living away from family are on the opposite side of the country. For the last half of the decade, I've been somewhere in-between the two places, equally far away from both sides, yet feeling equally content here as I would be anywhere.
What does the future hold for me? And where will my future be? I thought I would have someone make that decision for me. The coward in me has assumed that my parents would want me to be closer to them. I also envisioned a long-term husband to have some preference as well! But neither are the case, and I am as free as a bird! What a privilege! What a honor! What loneliness, too.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Unhealthy relationships
3 weeks later, I'm right back to my apartment-- away from family, away from my hometown.
I have to admit, I had the best 3 weeks ever. EVER. That is why I didn't update. I have so much to write, so much to reflect on, and so much to share. I'll go into detail with each one of those updates, but for now, I just want to jot them down so I can review them later.
1) Learned about Robert and how he's doing these days (from his friend)
2) Hung out with Robert's friends and was kind of able to enjoy their company-- even though ultimately, they will refrain from giving me any information about him
3) Realized I had my own friends even if they are people I haven't talked to in a long long long time.
4) Began to feel comfortable about living in my hometown (more permanently)
5) Recognized that my perspective towards job interviews were similar to how I am drawn to unhealthy relationships
... And 6) I am starting to realize that across all of my interviews, there is the very real possibility that I will NOT be returning to my hometown, to my home city, to my family, and to... Robert. In my head, I always thought that after 4 years of college away from home, and an additional 6 years of college in my doctoral training, that I would go back home to focus on my love life with Robert. I thought that after all this schooling, I would return to what life was like beforehand. I thought Robert would eventually mature and realize that he me. And I thought that we would figure life out after that. I thought it would be a "we" after schooling, but so much of what I assumed was... untrue. My assumptions have been just that! And that is terrifying.
I have to admit, I had the best 3 weeks ever. EVER. That is why I didn't update. I have so much to write, so much to reflect on, and so much to share. I'll go into detail with each one of those updates, but for now, I just want to jot them down so I can review them later.
1) Learned about Robert and how he's doing these days (from his friend)
2) Hung out with Robert's friends and was kind of able to enjoy their company-- even though ultimately, they will refrain from giving me any information about him
3) Realized I had my own friends even if they are people I haven't talked to in a long long long time.
4) Began to feel comfortable about living in my hometown (more permanently)
5) Recognized that my perspective towards job interviews were similar to how I am drawn to unhealthy relationships
... And 6) I am starting to realize that across all of my interviews, there is the very real possibility that I will NOT be returning to my hometown, to my home city, to my family, and to... Robert. In my head, I always thought that after 4 years of college away from home, and an additional 6 years of college in my doctoral training, that I would go back home to focus on my love life with Robert. I thought that after all this schooling, I would return to what life was like beforehand. I thought Robert would eventually mature and realize that he me. And I thought that we would figure life out after that. I thought it would be a "we" after schooling, but so much of what I assumed was... untrue. My assumptions have been just that! And that is terrifying.
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