One-way relationships

Earlier tonight, I called Jay to say hi. He had just hung up the phone with his mom, and said that she inquired whether I liked them because they really liked me! They hoped I felt the same way because they wanted to leave a positive impression on me!

I was so happy to hear that his parents loved me; and very surprised that they cared about my feelings. 

You see, in my culture, there's no such thing as older generations caring for the opinions of younger generations.  My parents' generation would never inquire whether their children's prospective partners liked them.  No way.  The evaluation is a one-way street, a top-down approach marked by seniority, respect, power, and generation status.  Never in a million years would my parents ask me what Jay thinks about them.  It's not personal, of course.
They're not against Jay nor do they dislike him. However, they would never care to ask what Jay thinks of them because it has no bearing on anything. All that matters is their opinion, end of story.

This cultural difference between our families has me reflecting on my relationships. Especially with older men in the past, I've submitted myself to them with great deference. From a cultural standpoint, I am a younger, Asian woman who despite identifying as a feminist, also subscribes to traditional gender roles at times.  I enjoy that feeling of taking care of my man. I feel a great sense of pride cooking for him, helping him make decisions about domestic issues (e.g., what shirt to get), and being responsible for his health and well-being.  I value my female identity, my nurturer identity, and my womanhood. I get way more satisfaction out of that than than my career identity. Note: Some may discredit me altogether at this point.  But it's who I am, and I get to make that choice. For that reason alone, I still see myself as a feminist.

When matched with the wrong person, such as in relationships when I've been taken advantaged of, my deference toward my male partner, often my older partner (my supposedly-wiser partner), my cultural identity becomes abused. I focus entirely on what he wants, what he thinks, what he likes, and I completely forget that I even have needs. It becomes a one-way relationship focused solely on the other party's perspective rather than balancing the desires of two people in the relationship.

I've mentioned before that I hate the term "co-dependency," "love addition," or whatever word that assumes full responsibility on the individual. Hearing Jay talk about his parents today confirmed that much of my beliefs have also been culturally-based, and not entirely about me being pathological.

My deference is cultural, as is my submissiveness, gender role adherence, and focus on pleasing the other person.  If I can see myself from a cultural perspective, I can also see strength, resilience, and opportunities to experiment in different cultural contexts.

Wow! How empowering that is, and how liberating.  Having had this experience with Jay and his family, I am learning, experientially, and in-the-moment, that I also have a voice and opinion. My perspective also matters! I get to have a say in the relationship as well.

It's so refreshing to know that I matter, my thoughts, opinions, and voice matters, and that people want to hear them. 

I have a voice that can be heard.
I have an opinion that can be spoken.
I have thoughts that are genuinely interesting to others.
My perspective is valued.
I am valued.
And in turn, I am worthy.

A taste of family

In spite of a great weekend, I still feel anxious. There's even more to lose now than before.

I am officially head-over-heels in adoration of both Jay and his family.

During one of our car rides to lunch, I remember sitting in the car together wondering what it would be like if they were my in-laws someday.  I know, I know. Dramatic and over-thinking it?  Definitely. But I tend to live in the future, sometimes. Well, only in relationships and wondering about their future.

I think this is also a reminder of how much I miss my family: my mom, dad, brother, grandparents, that feeling of "home" and being taken care of.

When Jay's parents arrived, they brought a carload full of frozen foods, snacks, and two gigantic packages of toilet paper for both of their sons. They brought, basically, the same things my parents would bring: critical ingredients and flavors from home.

Parents: they take care of you, provide basic needs for you when you're a child, and continue to know (ahead of time) what essentials you will need when you're all grown up.  There aren't enough odes to parents! Although there is no perfect parent, I do think that mine and the ones I know -- are generally self-sacrificing, generous, and completely devoted to their children's well-being.

I mean, don't get me wrong. parents can still mess you up. They can also be well-intentioned at the same time.

Meeting his parents

I had the best experience meeting Jay's parents.

I arrived late Friday night with the intention of leaving Saturday night so that his parents could stay with him. But after dinner together on Saturday night, they insisted that I stay overnight with Jay while they get a hotel room. They thought it was too late to drive the 2.5 hour trip and did not want to disrupt our weekend together. They called me "family" while we were together and emphasized safety.

Jay's parents also treated me like family throughout. Momma Jay offered me a small bottle of face cream that she has used her entire life. She also offered me an orange from their ranch, peanut cakes, and the most delicious chorizo from their hometown. Papa Jay paid for all of our meals together, and throughout the weekend, they loved Mr. Z., and we had the best conversations about pets, cooking, recipes, family experiences. We laughed a lot. They later told Jay to bring me home so that I could experience their hometown. I had been feeling homesick throughout this week and being with Jay's family was perfect! I adore being with both parents and also his his younger brother. It felt so... harmonious. Yes, that's the word.

We spent the better half of Sunday lounging. We parked ourselves in front of Jay's brother's TV, watching movies, eating ice cream, and chatting in-between. Every now and then his mom would disappear into his bedroom to take a nap. Meanwhile, Jay and I dozed on-and-off, waking up intermittently to eat snacks and play with the dog. The entire weekend was unexpectedly comfortable and so much fun. I couldn't have wished for a better experience! I even told Jay on Sunday night that I might adore his parents more than him.

P.S. In addition to all that family time together, Jay and I had a lot of sex this weekend. Morning, night, in bed, on the sofa, on the exercise ball...  it seriously doesn't get better than this and I am now going to have a difficult time returning back to reality.

Having shared values

I'm heading over to Jay's tonight and in the morning, his parents will be driving into-town. What will this weekend be like? I've been stressing out about the living arrangement ever since last week!

With his parents in-town:

• Should I still sleep over? 
• If so, how would we (all 4 of us) sleep in a 1-bedroom apartment?
• Can I bring Mr. Z again?

Jay had replied yes to my 1st question last weekend, but I've still been confused. Fortunately, I checked-in with him last night to ask about Mr. Z and to ask if I should sleep over on Saturday. His response:

"I think it might be best if we just did Friday night. At least for the first time you meet my parents. Is that OK?"

Um, yes. Absolutely, yes. I'd prefer it that way, actually. The last thing I want is to have his parents think of me as some loose girl who sleeps over easily with boys. How mortifying. Especially in my culture, their perception of me would also reflect on my family as well. That is simply unacceptable if they judge my family by association. Also, I can't imagine all 4 of us (plus Mr. Z) in a small apartment staring at each other throughout the weekend.

Still, I am a teeny disappointed that he doesn't want me to stay the entire weekend. I have mixed feelings of course, but I'm mostly relieved. Without being consumed by anxiety, I also have feelings of gratitude! It's so nice to have shared values with the person you're dating-- especially because this is a fundamental value, right? How to introduce your parents to your boyfriend/girlfriend?