Nightmare come true

My nightmare came true yesterday. What I feared most actually happened.

B. came back into my life.

As I parked my car at school yesterday, my good friend Connie called and whispered a bunch of things I couldn't understand over the phone.  The only thing that made sense was, "where are you? where are you now?"  It turns out, she was standing outside of my office door, spying on B. who was walking up and down the hall waiting for me and knocking on my door.

I bolted as soon as I heard this news and didn't even stop to grab my jacket, my purse, or even the change that I needed to plug the parking meter.  I just started walking toward the building hoping to disappear somewhere.  At that precise moment of course, the door opens and who do you think is standing there headed straight toward me?

As soon as we make eye contact, I turn and walk in the opposite direction as fast as possible. I walk to another building and quickly run into the women's bathroom. Connie is on the phone now and she is on the heels of B., telling me that he is waiting outside the women's bathroom. Hearing this gives me even more chills and I quickly close myself behind a stall and wait in fear. When the bathroom door opens and I hear sounds of shuffled footsteps, I hold my breath and close my eyes.  Fortunately, it is Connie, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. My knees are shaking, my hands are shaking, my heart is beating rapidly, and I feel trapped. He knows I'm in here. He knows where my car is.  He knows where my office is. He knows where my apartment is.  I am stuck, I am stuck, I am stuck.  I also have a meeting in 5 minutes and I don't know what to do. Why I am hiding in the bathroom and how will I get out, unnoticed? Connie asks me what I need from her. She wonders if she should go out first? She wonders if we should call the police? She wonders if I should just stay in the bathroom for as long as I possibly can.

I say no to all of the options and ask her to walk me to my next few destinations. First, to my car, where I must retrieve my items. Then to the office downstairs where I have to conduct an evaluation. I know I can't run too far, too long, and at some point, there will probably be a confrontation. At least knowing he's here takes the surprise element away so I can prepare... later.  For now, I have a meeting and I have to go. I have to go because I have professional responsibilities. I have to walk out, even if I just want to cower in fear and close my eyes and wish him away. The best thing is for Connie to accompany me because I cannot deal with a confrontation now. I do not have the time and I am not in the frame of mind. Maybe after the evaluation. Maybe after his existence sinks in.

We open the bathroom door and we walk out.  B. does not appear to be out there.  We go to the car and surprisingly, B. is not near the car either. Whew. Finally, we head to my office and just as I am about to make it to the clinic, the doorway on the other end of the hallway opens and there he is. At the same time, the side door opens and my advisor comes out and greets us. B. also looks at my advisor and greets him-- which is both strange and uncomfortable because my advisor does not know who he is. Everyone just freezes. We all stand there, the 4 of us, unmoving for a second.  Connie comes to her senses and asks me to unlock a door for her. It's a great excuse and one that buys me some time. I quickly do so and then walk away with my advisor. All the while B. looks at me from just a few steps away, waiting to see what my response is. The whole time, I act like like he's not there. Connie buffers our contact, standing right in front of me until I walk into the clinic.

Once I get into the clinic, my advisor asks me who B. is. My advisor felt the uncomfortable tension in the hallway and finds me looking unlike myself. I open my mouth to speak but the evaluation is about to begin and two of my colleagues are already waiting for us. I don't know how the next 30 minutes happened because I can't remember a thing. My mind is a blur. I don't even know if I made sense.

Afterwards, I visit Connie near my office for a brainstorming session of what to do. I'm still in shock and I'm afraid to go anywhere that I can be alone. Connie calls our campus police, posing hypothetical scenarios about what-to-do-if-your-ex-won't-leave-you-alone.  I'm still in shock and still in denial. I want him out of my life and as far away from me as possible. I don't know why he is here and what he wants from me. This is my biggest fear come true, and here it is, surrounding me, haunting me, following me.

Spiritual connection

Exercising has been my new form of therapy.  Wow, I never thought I would say that. And I also used to roll my eyes at those who would say anything remotely close to what I just wrote.  In fact, when I first started graduate school, we were asked about how we managed stress to take care of ourselves.  As we went around the room to ask about each person's strategies, I found myself shell-shocked at each person's response.  Almost all of them talked about some form of physical exercise, whether it's going running, swimming, taking a walk, or just some form of outdoor body-movement activity.  In my head, I rolled my eyes and scoffed, because I thought, "Yeah right! When you are absolutely stressed from a day of work, you're going to drag yourself home to lace up your sneakers to torture your body? Puh-lease. Stop lying."  Honestly, I couldn't believe how healthy those answers sounded.  The responses almost seemed fake and such a facade of goody-two-shoes. My answer was something like, "Watch copious amounts of TV, hang out with friends, and eat comfort foods/junk foods."

Well, well, well. It's now been 6 years later and how the tides have turned.  The people I used to scoff at are now... me.  Myself.  When people ask me about self-care, I will now probably say working out, taking walks with my dog, cooking, and of course, I would retain my earliest response of hanging out with friends and watching TV.  I would also add taking bubble baths because that is absolutely one of the most relaxing things I ever do for myself.

But anyways, going back to working out... My journeys to the gym are now spiritual.  I have recently felt that working out is now my new form of therapy.  3 times a week, I get up and have a specific destination to go to.  It is my motivation, it is my outcome, but it is also a process that I surprisingly enjoy.  When I am working out, I am very present, very grounded, and very focused on how I feel in the moment.  I am aware of my body, I am in-tune with my heartbeat, and I am letting out all the toxins in my body through my sweat (and maybe even tears when it gets hard! haha).  I enjoy that one hour of pushing myself to the max because it's really just 1 hour!  And no matter how fast time flies, that 1 hour of working out always feels much longer because it's so intensive and I so want it to go by faster). Throughout my life, I've always felt like working out was the slowest way to pass time.  It makes me feel like time isn't flying by, and that it actually can stretch out and seem like forever...

For me, working out isn't necessarily just those moments when I'm pushing my body, either.  On the days that I do not work out, I feel really good because my body is sore.  I feel very connected to the muscles in my body, and very aware that a) I have them and b) they are being stretched.  It's a great feeling to be sore.  I feel incredibly productive and achieved! I enjoy those days even more because I don't have to work out and because I am so grateful for the rest days.  As I let my body recuperate, I also envision my body getting leaner, my muscles getting stronger, and I find myself standing taller and actually feeling healthier.

The other benefit to my newfound body-awareness is my eating habits.  I am trying to be more aware of being hungry/full.  My physiological awareness is matched to my sense of being sore and being sensitive to feeling parts of my body that I wasn't aware of before.  For example, my rib area was sore this week even though I didn't even know I had muscles there!  Discovering these new parts of my body has been empowering.  It's a constant reminder that there is more to myself than I know.  It is also a reminder to listen to my body and let myself feel rather than just think. 

In all these ways, being connected to my body has been ever-so-spiritual.

It is my new and wonderful form of therapy.

Being alone.

Can't sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am.  Monday thru Friday, I am dying to sleep just a few more minutes after my alarm goes. But now look! On this bright and early Saturday morning, I find myself unable to sleep past 530am. UGH.

As I sit alone in my living room, I reflect again on my alone-ness and how spiritual this experience is for me.  When driving home last night, I found myself reflecting about my current lifestyle and how it's been healing me because I don't have to constantly keep taking care of others.

In the past few months, being alone has felt incredibly empowering. In almost all relationships, I feel the responsibility to take care of the other person.  Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even an acquaintance, I think about their needs/wants/desires/preferences. Especially in a romantic relationship, their stuff always trumps my own.  This is why I feel so empowered these days to eat what I want, do what I want, and stick to a schedule that fits me without having to consider another person.

I've also realized that my responsibility toward others is not just toward human life.  When I'm working at home, I think about Mr. Z and what he wants.  I'm distracted by his needs and so I struggle with getting my work done.  In the past week, I've spent entire mornings at the coffee shop so I can do my work without having him there.  Leaving him has felt pretty selfish, but I've also been working my way up to leaving and not feeling guilty about having activities outside-of-the-house.  Before having a dog, I used to be home very very rarely.  Other than cook, eat, sleep, and watch some TV, I was never really here.  But now that I have a dog, I spend as much time here as possible, even moving my social activities into my home so that I stay with Mr. Z.  In many ways, I am happier (see earlier post on my emotional, physical, and spiritual growth because of Mr. Z).  At the same time, however, I feel a decrease in productivity because I do feel anchored to my home.

Why is it that I can only focus on myself when I am completely and utterly alone?  Why can't I do it with someone else in the room or in my space? Why do I always prioritize others before myself?

The 2 places that allow me to focus on me is: 1) airplane/airport and 2) coffee shop.  Let me elaborate: when travelling, I have long enjoyed the fact that I can stick on my earphones and tune out the world altogether.  I can choose to make zero eye contact and I can focus completely and utterly on my thoughts, my getaway, my destination, and my plans. It's completely socially appropriate and acceptable.  In fact, it's the norm that most people don't talk to each other during those journeys.  Because I tend to fly at least once a month, I also look forward to it as an empowering experience between high up in the air, removed from everything and everyone.  You are simply alone and you cannot take care of others even if you wanted to.  I am alone from people, from things, from connections, from all sorts of responsibilities.  I would prefer not having the option of wi-fi in the sky simply because that's the one and only place that allows me to get away from it all.

As for the coffee shop, I also feel it is an "alone" experience because I sit alone in my own table.  My space is that table, and with the table being open, I am (happily) alone.  Having studied before with other people, I enjoy the social aspect but am also distracted by their needs as well.  Are they tired of studying? Am I talking too much/little? Do they seem like they are antsy to get out of there? etc. etc.  Yesterday, while sitting at a local coffee shop, I saw a couple study together at the table next to me.  I felt a stab in my heart and was reminded of my studying days with B.  That was probably what our life most resembled: study dates together because we commiserated over our doctoral work and enjoyed/needed to do work all the time.  And yes, on the one hand, it was great because it was both productive and semi-romantic at the same time.  On the other hand, I hated studying with him because he would stay for hours and hours while I got colder and hungrier at the coffee shops.  I also hated going with him because he would often make me leave early to drive him around to other places.  But the chauffeuring part is another story altogether.  That's just one sad story of being taken advantaged of and letting myself be constantly taken advantaged of.  My point about the coffee shop is that I love going alone! And the more I think about it, I am so glad that I will never have to go to a coffee shop with B. again. Seeing that couple yesterday made my heart ache but it also made me feel nauseous.  I hate B. right now and want nothing closely related to him or what we did together.  Romance is out of the question, and so is studying with a romantic partner.  Seeing all these couples make me want to gag.

What works for me?

I am 1 week away from eating Paleo all month.

I see these blogs and bloggers write about substantial changes that I can’t relate to and don’t see for myself. 

That’s been quite disheartening for me. 

Unlike all them, I didn’t do pre- and post- measurements. I don’t know what my body fat composition was before. I also don’t know what it is now. And unlike them, I don’t feel like my body is going through any evident, dramatic change.  But then again, I didn’t have any physiological problems to begin with.  I don’t have gastrointestinal problems, food allergies, insomnia, or any dry skin issues. Hmm… although my skin has been dry lately.  Still, I had no major health issues before; therefore, I am not experiencing any significant improvement/change now! Oh, and another difference between me and other people is my exercise level!  I went from no exercise to excercising 3 days a week!  How come I'm not having dramatic changes when they were exercising before, during, and after their Paleo conversions? I'm not losing 15 lbs, I'm not clearing up in my skin (OK I've never had acne), my joint pains aren't relieved (they've never been stiff), and I'm not sleeping any better either (I sleep the same, perhaps more poorly since I have to wake up early to go to the gym!).

For all these reasons, I wonder if Paleo is right for me. I question if I want to continue Paleo as a lifestyle change as opposed to a 30-day challenge. Do I need it?  I mean, do I really need it to improve my quality of life? I mean, why adopt this into my life permanently if I sense no substantial change? Why eat so healthily ALL THE TIME  when it’s so much easier to satiate my urges with delicious, immediately-satisfying processed foods? 

Because next Friday is my 30 day end-date (and also Mr. Z’s bday), I will be eating cake.  I will be consuming delicious cake (preferably ice cream cake). I also plan to indulge in some sort of cheesy pizza. At some point over the weekend (perhaps?), I will want hot broth with noodles. I envision having some Vietnamese rice noodles and eating the meat with some of the brown processed hoisin sauce. A good friend of mine has also offered to bake me one of her trademark desserts: pumpkin cheese cake rolls! Those are some of the cravings I fully intend to satiate.

Will I get back to Paleo afterwards?

...Maybe.

 I’m curious if I’ll feel sick after I eat all that processed stuff.  So many people have written about “cheating” on Paleo and feeling disgusting afterwards.  I wonder if I will. I wonder if my body will actually sense the difference? A big part of me really hopes I will. It would be exciting to feel sick afterwards because it will mean that my body actually responded to the changes!

Realistically speaking, I probably will maintain Paleo in a non-strict way (probably inside the home). I will try to cook Paleo, shop Paleo, and bake Paleo as well.  I will be more aware of processed foods, of chemicals and acids in the nutrition labels.  But I don’t know if I’ll say no to processed food ALL THE TIME. I am a foodie. I want to eat what I feel like when I’m out at restaurants or at friends’ houses.  I want to travel for the purpose of eating strange, exotic, special recipes! And if they're not Paleo, then sorry, I don't freakin' care. But I’ll definitely be more aware of what I’m eating and the contents of each item. In fact, I will compensate at home by eating simply, eating raw foods, and eating Paleo! And who knows? I can see myself doing strict Paleo every now and then as a form of detox! – Another 30 day challenge in a few months, perhaps?