NOT missing him

I haven't felt the familiar pangs of missing Jay in the last few days. I wonder why that is.  Could it be a bad sign? Am I feeling under-stimulated by this relationship? Or if I put on a positive spin, perhaps we are settling into a routine now?

Last Saturday was our 6 month anniversary of meeting each other. I found some old memories that dated us and he also recognized the significance of this month.  He said let's celebrate next weekend! So maybe we will. Who knows. He kind of lives in the moment, so we may forget to by the time we see each other.

I just feel so tired these last few days. I have been feeling constantly tired. I have to clean before he arrives. I have to do laundry. I have to make space for him.

I'm also anxious thinking about this weekend and the upcoming month.  All of my time outside of work is booked solid for the next few weeks: socially and professionally.  This weekend is a prime example of that kind of busy-ness that makes me feel tired already! Movie and panel discussion on Friday night, dinner/social outing on Sunday afternoon. Oh, and I asked Jay if he wanted to take a 4 hour road trip to a music festival. Why did I do that, by the way?

I feel so tired thinking about this weekend. I'm also nervous thinking about having to tell him about these plans. What if he thinks: Wow, those plans sound boring, I don't want to come. What if he thinks: I'm too busy and decides it's not worth his efforts to make the trip.

Anxiety + dread = immobilizing condition. No wonder I've been so unproductive in the last few days. No wonder I don't miss him. I don't have the energy left!

Me-time!

It's my first Friday being solo without the company of Jay!

I have a work gig tomorrow that requires all-day attendance, so I knew ahead of time we'd have 2 weeks apart.

I'm not particularly sad or missing him, actually.

Truth be told, I've been a tad excited about the possibility of having Friday night to myself.

Last night was the first Thursday in 6 months that I got to relax and do nothing. I didn't have to clean the house from top-to-bottom in anticipation of his visit. I also wasn't running around doing emergency laundry and packing for a weekend trip.

My agenda for tonight is to take Mr. Z. for a long walk, attend an outdoor festival to see some friends, and then head home for a relaxing night.  I'll need to board Mr. Z. overnight since I'll be out of the house by 7am tomorrow and only returning home late at night.  So, I definitely want to squeeze in some quality time with my sweet sweet dog.

Afterwards, I'll probably sit around and do some work in front of the TV. Yes, even doing some work tonight would be relaxing. The point is, I can just be tonight -- in my own mess-- and without having to cater to anyone else other than myself!

Tonight is me-time!

Do you ever run out of things to say?

I heard from Jay a couple of hours after my last post. He was completely unfazed by our lack of communication. In fact, he texted just as he has regularly done so for the last half year with: "Hey, how's your day going?"

Afterwards, we talked on the phone and there was quite a lot to catch-up on since we hadn't spoken in 2 days to each other. It was kind of fun to learn about what he's done in a whole 48 hour-period and to learn about all these new things he's doing. He's basically going on the paleo diet and has been drastically changing his eating habits. As if his physical fitness wasn't already extreme.  I can't get over how self-disciplined he is, and self-motivated, and driven. Man, that's sexy.

Sometimes, I worry if we'll ever run out of things to say to one another.  I worry that I might run out of things to say to him, so I'll bore him. And then he'll leave me! I also wonder if he'll run out of things to say to me and then he'll leave me because he'll think I'm too boring to talk to.

Oh, wow. I just realized that in both scenarios, I'm taking responsibility for both of us running out of things to say to each other.

What an ideal example of me being super doubtful of myself. I'm always wondering when I'll be abandoned because something about ME is not good enough. It's so exhausting to live this way, but I just don't know any other way.

Radio silence

Jay hasn't initiated conversation with me in > 24 hours.

He has not responded to my text from > 16 hours ago.

Who's counting the hours? I am!

Surprisingly, I'm OK.

My anxiety hasn't skyrocketed to outerspace. 

I am not mentally pacing.

I am also not drowning in self-doubt and self-blame. 

I am actually doing quite well, even if I say so myself.

That may change in the next few minutes or hours, though. 

For now, I'm choosing to believe he's suuuuper busy. 

A large part of my calmness has to do with his consistency throughout our relationship, so far. Since we initiated conversations in October, we have been in-touch every single day. Yes, every single day for the last (almost) 6 months! It is this kind of history that allows me to be okay with this temporary lapse (I hope) in communication. I mean, I'm his girlfriend, so he can't just disappear on me right now, can he?  I've met his brother and parents. There's no way he could just peace out on me just like that, right? Still, we have no upcoming future plans together so that part is a little scary.  Usually, when I begin to have some doubt about my relationships, I think about any upcoming events we've scheduled together to assure myself that he can't fall off the face of the earth.

As ridiculous as it sounds, thoughts like those bring me comfort. I think to myself: "He can't leave me right right now because we have plans to _____."  Or, "He can't dump me and slip away in the night because in 2 weeks we have plans to ______. It's simplistic thinking, I know. And as I write this, I'm wanting to laugh and say ha! As though that would be enough to keep 2 people together.  Still, it's how I've coped and so far, it has worked pretty damn well.

So, I'm going to keep coping and moving on with my day. Experiencing a little bit of anxiety but it's not dramatic and not bad at all considering I could easily be internally flipping out.

If only he knew that radio silence is the worst way to ever punish me. It is absolute torture and I would rather take direct (and even aggressive) confrontation from someone saying "I hate you! Get away from me." I would take that any day over this: not knowing, waiting, possibly being abandoned as we speak.