He still likes me!
He still wants me!
Such relief! It's like I can breathe again.
Jay is going out-of-town this weekend for a conference on Sunday. He is hosting a work event the day before, so we have no plans to see each other until next weekend.
... But then he texted to say he will drive in on Friday night and leave early Saturday morning.
Wow. A 5-hour round-trip drive just to see me? Moi?
Sometimes, Jay does not tell me things like "I miss you" or even "I can't wait to see you."
He'll say "me too!" But we all know that's different. Instead, his actions convey it.
His actions provide me with the much-needed security to know I haven't been chucked away or thrown to the curb.
He'd driving up to see me and he will attend my work event on Friday night. Just to spend time with me!
Wow. He must really like me.
But why?! Nono, I'm not going to question this too much. I'm going to enjoy it and bask in this moment for as long as I possibly can.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Friday, February 7, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
What happens in my head... stays in my head.
My insecurities increased exponentially after my parents and Jay met. I feared Jay would cut me out, drop me like a ball, or run for the hills. I expected one or all of the above.
However, he remained... the same.
He still texted.
He still called.
He still flirted.
It was like nothing changed.
But I changed. Me. I began panicking and returning to myold real self. One night, I felt my anxiety skyrocket when he didn't text me back immediately. I had called him and it went straight to voicemail. Of course, knowing me, I checked on gchat and saw him flick from orange to green. I held my breath. He did not text or call me back. Fear settled in before coursing out and being replaced with sadness and loss. I began to think what it would be like to return to the dating world and starting over from scratch. Bye, Jay. I wonder which lucky girl gets to meet you next. Who did I think I was, rejecting the word "boyfriend" when that could actually be taken away from me?
... a few hours later, he texted to say he fell asleep and was sorry to have missed my call. "No worries," I casually said, and we moved on to talk about our day.
It was like nothing changed.
He has no idea what all went through my head during that waiting period.
And he never will!
However, he remained... the same.
He still texted.
He still called.
He still flirted.
It was like nothing changed.
But I changed. Me. I began panicking and returning to my
... a few hours later, he texted to say he fell asleep and was sorry to have missed my call. "No worries," I casually said, and we moved on to talk about our day.
It was like nothing changed.
He has no idea what all went through my head during that waiting period.
And he never will!
Monday, February 3, 2014
When the boyfriend and parents meet...
I am eating the words from my last post.
My boyfriend and parents met each other this weekend.
The experience ended up being quite disappointing.
Mom and dad did not speak very much to him. Partly, that was due to the bustle of the city and the excitement of the nightlife and partying all around us. Another part of it was the language barrier and their unfamiliarity with English. Jay was quite shy, now that I think about it. But it's not completely on him. Both sides could have taken a more active stance in initiating conversations with each other. I did the best I could, but alas, it was... awkward and uncomfortable since it was just me pulling hard to no avail.
On Saturday afternoon, Jay drove to meet up with us a few miles out of the city so he could park his car and we could ride into town together. When he arrived, we swapped seats so he could drive my car since he knows the neighborhood better. As we sat in the front, mom and dad said barely nothing to him-- nothing in English, that is. I could hear them speak in my native tongue, though. Dad made comments about Jay's height, weight, speculating on numbers and making jokes throughout. It was rude, insensitive, and I was mortified. I felt incredibly protective of Jay after that, and when we took a walk together at the park, I pulled him to the front and we walked separately from my parents. At one point, my mom waved at me and told me walk faster. Can you believe it? She later told me she meant it as: lead the way. Sure, mom, as though that's really what you meant.
The rest of the night operated like 4 people on 2 different dates. I felt stuck-- in the middle of two parties of people who had no interest in getting to know one another. My parents didn't ask him any questions, other than "do you cook at home?" while I was in the restroom. As for Jay, he was also quite passive. He did not initiate asking even one question-- I didn't notice that about him until I talked with friends today and they suggested he might have been shy.
Jay gets a break on this though, because I continue to feel protective of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed my dad's evaluative judgment towards him. If anything, I feel like mama bear now. I left that date feeling even more nurturing of him, wanting to do more to take care of him, and feeling more committed to him to shield him from all negative energy-- including that of my parents'.
I drove home that night feeling disappointed, angry, and then even more disappointed in my parents. Why couldn't they have been more host-like?
I have since started doubting this relationship, wondering if the dynamic will always be like this if I date someone who's of a different race and language background as my parents. Was this meeting an omen of any relationship I have with someone who is not the same as me? Is this a sign of Jay and my incompatibility down the line?
Whatever the answer is, my heart feels gloom. I can't help but wonder if Jay feels what I feel now. I feel anxious thinking about his experience of our date, and his interpretation of what's to come. What if he doesn't want me after this? What if that experience was so blah for him, that he's also re-evaluating me and this relationship?
My boyfriend and parents met each other this weekend.
The experience ended up being quite disappointing.
Mom and dad did not speak very much to him. Partly, that was due to the bustle of the city and the excitement of the nightlife and partying all around us. Another part of it was the language barrier and their unfamiliarity with English. Jay was quite shy, now that I think about it. But it's not completely on him. Both sides could have taken a more active stance in initiating conversations with each other. I did the best I could, but alas, it was... awkward and uncomfortable since it was just me pulling hard to no avail.
On Saturday afternoon, Jay drove to meet up with us a few miles out of the city so he could park his car and we could ride into town together. When he arrived, we swapped seats so he could drive my car since he knows the neighborhood better. As we sat in the front, mom and dad said barely nothing to him-- nothing in English, that is. I could hear them speak in my native tongue, though. Dad made comments about Jay's height, weight, speculating on numbers and making jokes throughout. It was rude, insensitive, and I was mortified. I felt incredibly protective of Jay after that, and when we took a walk together at the park, I pulled him to the front and we walked separately from my parents. At one point, my mom waved at me and told me walk faster. Can you believe it? She later told me she meant it as: lead the way. Sure, mom, as though that's really what you meant.
The rest of the night operated like 4 people on 2 different dates. I felt stuck-- in the middle of two parties of people who had no interest in getting to know one another. My parents didn't ask him any questions, other than "do you cook at home?" while I was in the restroom. As for Jay, he was also quite passive. He did not initiate asking even one question-- I didn't notice that about him until I talked with friends today and they suggested he might have been shy.
Jay gets a break on this though, because I continue to feel protective of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed my dad's evaluative judgment towards him. If anything, I feel like mama bear now. I left that date feeling even more nurturing of him, wanting to do more to take care of him, and feeling more committed to him to shield him from all negative energy-- including that of my parents'.
I drove home that night feeling disappointed, angry, and then even more disappointed in my parents. Why couldn't they have been more host-like?
I have since started doubting this relationship, wondering if the dynamic will always be like this if I date someone who's of a different race and language background as my parents. Was this meeting an omen of any relationship I have with someone who is not the same as me? Is this a sign of Jay and my incompatibility down the line?
Whatever the answer is, my heart feels gloom. I can't help but wonder if Jay feels what I feel now. I feel anxious thinking about his experience of our date, and his interpretation of what's to come. What if he doesn't want me after this? What if that experience was so blah for him, that he's also re-evaluating me and this relationship?
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Meeting the parents
My mom and dad are here and visiting for the week! Despite the random blizzard we've been getting in the states, they were able to arrive safely and soundly -- after several time zone changes, of course.
Today, we're driving down an hour south to meet Jay and spend the day together. Plans include architectural walk, possible zoo outing, and then enjoying the nightlife and the local eateries.
Today is the day my parents meet my boyfriend; my dude gets to meet my parents.
The last time my parents met my boyfriend was just after high school, when I was 18. It was with Robert, my first love, my high school sweetheart, and we went to downtown Disney where I made reservations at a fancy restaurant. My dad was hilariously entertaining that night, making it utterly impossible to have any kind of serious conversation, much less convey the seriousness of us as a couple.
It's now 11 years later and for some reason, slightly less serious-feeling.
it's different now for multiple reasons:
1) I'm not seeking my parents' approval and I don't need it. I'm secure enough (ironic, eh?) that even if my parents express doubt-- it doesn't change how I feel or how good things have been with Jay.
2) I'll live even if Jay and I don't work out in the long-run. Now this is maybe a little extreme, but I'm pretty certain I won't absolutely die if he and I decide we're not the right ones for each other. After experiencing the devastating heartbreaks I've had in the past, I've accepted that what doesn't kill me, well, won't kill me. Heartbreak never killed anybody, now did it? -- That's a direct quote from one of my dearest friends' mom.
3) I don't need everyone to be best friends. As the planner of any social gathering, it's only natural to want everyone to love each other. You want everyone to have a grand ol' time. While I used to be perfectionistic about it, I've learned that you can't control it all, now can you?
Now watch me eat my words after this trip.
Will get back to you afterwards!
Today, we're driving down an hour south to meet Jay and spend the day together. Plans include architectural walk, possible zoo outing, and then enjoying the nightlife and the local eateries.
Today is the day my parents meet my boyfriend; my dude gets to meet my parents.
The last time my parents met my boyfriend was just after high school, when I was 18. It was with Robert, my first love, my high school sweetheart, and we went to downtown Disney where I made reservations at a fancy restaurant. My dad was hilariously entertaining that night, making it utterly impossible to have any kind of serious conversation, much less convey the seriousness of us as a couple.
It's now 11 years later and for some reason, slightly less serious-feeling.
it's different now for multiple reasons:
1) I'm not seeking my parents' approval and I don't need it. I'm secure enough (ironic, eh?) that even if my parents express doubt-- it doesn't change how I feel or how good things have been with Jay.
2) I'll live even if Jay and I don't work out in the long-run. Now this is maybe a little extreme, but I'm pretty certain I won't absolutely die if he and I decide we're not the right ones for each other. After experiencing the devastating heartbreaks I've had in the past, I've accepted that what doesn't kill me, well, won't kill me. Heartbreak never killed anybody, now did it? -- That's a direct quote from one of my dearest friends' mom.
3) I don't need everyone to be best friends. As the planner of any social gathering, it's only natural to want everyone to love each other. You want everyone to have a grand ol' time. While I used to be perfectionistic about it, I've learned that you can't control it all, now can you?
Now watch me eat my words after this trip.
Will get back to you afterwards!
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