Baby steps to vulnerability

I am taking baby steps to share myself.
In the past few days, I have told four friends about my nightmare.  I did not go into explicit detail with most of them. But I did begin to talk, which, in my book, is a giant step that I couldn't even foresee taking.

I'm talking.  I'm starting to talk.  And I'm grateful that I have people around me to listen.  Thank you for listening, for letting me feel like I can let it out without any pressures.  Thank you for not being judgmental, critical, or disgusted by the materials that I have shared with you.  Thank you for your empathy, your sympathy, and your compassion for what I have gone through.

More than anything though, I really really really thank you for just sitting with me and letting me pour it all out.  It is more difficult than you can imagine: organizing my emotions into words, letting my words sit in my throat, and forcing my words out of my mouth so that they are there.  Open. Floating. Soaring through the space to get to your ears and whoever is in the vicinity.  It is a huge risk and challenge that I am taking. And I am really trying my best to be vulnerable to you.

Trauma Bonds

I have been thinking about this topic for awhile now.  During my relationship with B., I had a vague sense that I was deeply attached to him for the wrong reasons, but I just didn't have the (whatever it is) to pull myself out.  The worse he was to me, the more I needed him.  The more he criticized me or criticized things surrounding me, the more I felt the need to please him-- all the while hating him inside-- but feeling compelled to make him proud of me at the same time.

Also, the worse he was, the more I needed to be with him.  That was how I felt anyway.  Sitting amongst friends, I would think about him and feel an urgency to rush to him.  Instead of enjoy the company of those who love me and who give me support and fun, my mind will always wander to B. and the need to quickly leave so I can be with him.  Ironically, I always left fun, relaxing atmospheres to get to him, and it was always utterly disappointing to rush there only to find him drunk, manic, depressive, inattentive, yes, always in this combination!

So the worse our relationship was, the less I talked.  The less I shared with friends.  The less I went out with friends. The less I thought about how I feel.

Which is why I have this blog now, and which is why I was so pleased to find this website today, when I googled trauma bonds:

http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/

I mostly know all of the facts and information.  What was most helpful for me was reading people's comments and feeling like there was support across all of our experiences.  What may be uniquely shameful to you is something that we have all experienced in some way, shape, or form. None of you are alone.  I can relate to your experiences and I hope you know that you have ever been the only person to go through what you have/had gone through.

Pain

Sometimes, I don't have the words to express how I feel.  That's when I rely on music and lyrics to let myself sit and cry with someone else.  There is something very comforting about someone else singing about your feelings and your pain.  I feel less alone and I feel validated that someone in this universe can relate to extremities that I experience internally.

Here is a song called "Grenade" by Bruno Mars.  I listened to it towards the end of my relationship with B. and cried boatloads of tears, realizing that this was THE defining song of our relationship.  Here I was, giving up everything for him, sacrificing my own values, beliefs, my own world, my own social life, for him because he was my world!  Meanwhile, I was simply an object of convenience for him.  A good toy to play with while he was here, offering good entertainment for the time being until he could go somewhere better. Below is also what the artist, Bruno Mars, wrote about this song:

"Today, I get to share with you the visual companion piece to my new single, 'Grenade.' The song is about loving someone so deeply, and the pain of knowing that the person you love does not feel the same. The actions in this video serve as a metaphor, and should not be taken literally. I am aware of the power of visual media, and I encourage everyone who watches this video to understand that it is an artistic interpretation of the song, and not something to imitate." -- Bruno Mars

Nightmare

I am feeling a little raw these days.
I am a little scared of how fragile I feel inside.

A few days ago, I had a terrible nightmare that involved B. holding my family hostage inside my family home.  There was also sexual assault, or at the very least, his attempts to coerce me into something I did not want to do.  And in the entire dream, I just kept running... from one room to the other, from one family to the other, crying for help.

But it was like nobody could hear the intensity in my voice, or the distress.  My family, who had been held hostage for so long by him, had already given up.  They were not very responsive because they were so sleepy.  As if they were drugged, or if they simply surrendered to his tyranny in the house.  I also felt like they gave up because that felt like the safest thing to do.  In order to keep me safe and to maintain some stability, they just had to accept the situation as it was, and let things... happen.

I still feel very disturbed by my nightmare.... all of its contents, all of its details, and also the ending.  Or should I say endings?  I woke up towards the end when I was running to open the front door to the police.  I had called the police and was trying to open the locked door when B. saw me and started running towards me.  The lock was jammed in the front door, so I kept turning and turning, looking at the cops who were simply on the other side of the door waiting for me... and directly behind me, was B. headed straight for me because he caught me escaping.

When I went back to sleep again, I think I continued to dream.  I dreamt that the cops came in, fortunately, and they arrested B. right then and there.  My family slowly came downstairs, terrified and still dazed, and all the while, B. is looking at me in total and utter confusion.  His faces bears the look of betrayal, of being misunderstood.  He does not understand why he is being arrested and he just keeps saying over and over, "What did I do wrong? I didn't do anything wrong.  All I did was love you.  All I've ever wanted to do was love you..."  He's saying this even while they are cuffing him and getting ready to take him away.

This dream is so symbolic because B. has hurt me in so so so many ways and I firmly believe that he believes he's done nothing wrong.  He will forever maintain that he loves me.  He will believe in his heart that cheating has nothing to do with his love for me.  And he will never think that when I say "no, stop," that he needs to stop, and to accept my "no" for what it is.

So, here I am, a few days since I've had this dream, and I feel very scared and vulnerable. I feel dirtied by this relationship and I wonder if I can ever return to my purity.  I wonder if this relationship has forever changed me, and I wonder if I can ever heal from this.  It was only after I went to therapy this week, that I realized the words "sexual assault" were in my relationship.  I thought that his blatant disregard for my "no"(s) were because he is an asshole.  That it carried into the bedroom and is equal to sexual assault makes me, then, a.... victim?

I have not thought about myself like that ever, and it makes me feel even more like hiding into a place where no one can ever find me.  More specifically, where he can never find me, never contact me, never even know about my existence.  I just feel very... sick.