Weekdays

After spending weekends together with Jay, returning back on Mondays = sad reality check. Sundays are generally depressing. But strangely-- I think that I'm the only person that feels this way. He doesn't ever seem particularly sad or angsty when it comes to saying goodbye or missing me when we're apart.  I'm not wishing him sadness, of course. I wish he would at least have a little bit of a dismay when we part ways.

On Friday, I got there past dinnertime, so we went to a Mexican fast-food(ish) joint. We bought chocolates, candies and other necessities at a nearby store before meeting up with one of his friends to watch the 2nd installment of 300! It was great! I was on a high afterwards and wanted to kick ass! We didn't go to bed until 4am!

We woke up late Saturday morning and lounged around all day, watching more of the Twilight series and eating a delicious egg scramble made by Jay. In the afternoon, we went biking with 2 of his friends and overcame 10 miles! The weather was beautiful and it was so great to be outdoors!  Afterwards, we did some grocery shopping and some golf-related shopping so he can have all his equipment ready for golfing on Sunday. We ate paleo that night-- why? Because Jay wanted to! We cooked a spaghetti squash with marinara and ground beef and it was delicious! Afterwards, I was barely able to keep my eyes open...

On Sunday, we woke up groggy from all the late-night sleeping. Jay wanted to get some burgers for breakfast and I consented, even though I wanted to go grocery shopping at the local organic stores and eat at a salad bar. It didn't feel worth it to advocate for that. So, instead, we went to his favorite hamburger joint and I made a compromise with myself. I took the bread off of my sandwich and ate only meat. Paleo!  Afterwards, we did some more golf-related errands (even though all I wanted to do was go grocery shopping) so I can buy some goodies and head back home!

Over our burgers, Jay offered to lend me his key so that I can grocery shop even while he was golfing. I could return his set to his brother in the afternoon. I looked at him strangely and said that would be weird. I'd go with my back-up plan to take Mr. Z. with me and I would run into the grocery stores to grab what I want before driving back to my town. When I said that, he looked at me strangely and explained that if his brother didn't have a spare set of keys, he would have wanted me to keep a set, just because. As Jay spoke, his eyes burned into mine. I'd never seen such a serious look on his face before, one that said: "Don't think I've minimized your role or our relationship." The eye contact was so intense, and his face was so genuine, that I had to look away because I was so moved by him. I casually said OK even though my heart was pounding and I felt vulnerable and speechless. I couldn't believe Jay would let me have full access to his home while he was gone.  My traumatic experience of being with an ex-boyfriend/womanizer has done such a number on me. I just couldn't have imagined he'd let me have access to his home.  Having been with a serial cheater, I just assumed no guy would ever let me have complete and full access while he was gone!

Another super sweet thing Jay did was load up the cooler for me before he left for golf. Because it's a 2.5 hour drive back to my town, Jay bought some ice cubes and filled up his cooler before he left. He even wanted to help me load up the car, but I waved him off because he was already late!

After saying bye to him, I shopped and experienced such joy being back in hippy-dippy organic-food-carrying grocery stores. I love grocery shopping. Especially at stores that help me learn how to nourish my body. I had so much time on my hands too! I needed to give Jay's gate-opener back to his brother and he was busy so I had an additional hour to wander down each aisle. Afterwards, when Jay's brother arrived, we chatted for awhile and had deep conversations about his career plans and his relationship. We then decided to take both of our dogs to the dog park! In short, I spent 2-3 hours with Jay's brother and didn't really leave his town until the sun was about to set! By then, Jay was so surprised to hear how I spent the afternoon because he assumed I'd be home already! When I texted him pictures of some snacks I got him for the week: caramel popcorn, frozen blue curled kale, and a steak-- he responded with "I love you!" in his text to me.

Speaking of saying I love you... This weekend, I took a huge risk when Jay and I were laying in bed one night. As he murmured "I love you too" to me, I asked him at point-blank, "How do you know that you love me?"  His response was concise, direct, and left me with no words. He replied, with no hesitation:

1) "I like, no, I love spending time with you."
2) "I can be myself 100% when I'm with you."

"Oh," was all I could muster, before I cracked a joke to lighten the mood.

All in all, this was another significant weekend slash forward in our relationship.  This weekend, I got the key to his apartment. We talked about why he loves me. He also told me he loved me, proactively, and not as a response to me saying it first!  That's a big deal (to me!).

And now it's the weekday and I'm not seeing him for 2 weeks because of a work trip I'm taking this Saturday. It'll be like having 2 rounds of weekdays for the next 14 days!

Fridays!

Sometimes, I feel so homesick that my whole body curls up from the aching.

The feeling is so strong, but I can't even answer the questions: What is home? Where is home? Who is home?

There has been so much moving, relocating, changing in the last 3 years.

I've shuffled around the country...
My entire family has been bouncing around from country-to-country...
In fact, none of them are in this country, as we speak.

This homeless feeling I have makes my heart extra vulnerable to rejection and feeling displaced.

But, today is Friday, and as always, it's the most exciting day of the week.
I anticipate this day all week long. It is the day that either Jay comes, or I go.
This week, I'm going-- and that's actually more exciting to me than waiting for him to arrive. 

Going to Jay means I get to decide the timeline. I get to plan like I'm going on a vacation! The other major perk is that I get to leave in the end, meaning I'm not feeling the emptiness on Sunday after I wave him goodbye. I hate that feeling of being left. I prefer doing the leaving instead, not because I want to inflict the pain on someone else. It's not that. Leaving actually keeps me distracted since I'm forced to move forward and plan ahead instead of sit in my own fear.

Today is a rainy, thunderstorm-filled day. I feel nostalgic, reminiscent, homesick, and excited too. Again, so many mixed feelings!

In a few hours, I'll be heading down to Jay. I'll head home after work to pack for myself and Mr. Z and then we'll be off!  This weekend, I intend to challenge myself to tell Jay the things I like to do and don't like to do.  No more TV marathons or eating fried, unhealthy foods that I simply do not prefer. Well, there might still be some. I'm not sure how I'll go about telling him yet. Or if I'll be able to successfully convey that without backing down later.

How to spend time together

How do normal couples spend time together?  -- Probably not stuck at the hip during the weekends, right?

So far, that's how Jay and I have spent our time together. After a week of not seeing each other, we spend weekends completely immersed with each other with zero time apart. We sleep, eat, socialize, shop, and watch TV together.

As great as it is to be full-time cuddlers, this kind of bonding doesn't allow either one of us to have weekends doing things we would usually do. For him, that might be golfing with colleagues or riding his bike at 6am.  For me, that includes shopping and taking Mr. Z. on long walks or finding ways to be outdoors.

It's a strange feeling, being really content with someone while also feeling bored with your activity together. I feel terrible to be using the word bored, but that is how I feel when we're lying on the couch for hours: watching tv show after tv show (albeit, together).  All of last year, I lived without a TV! Being in front of the boob tube all weekend feels like the biggest waste of time to me and I'd much rather be doing something interactive together like an art project or some sort of physical activity. I've even wondered if we can take a couple of hours apart from each other before coming back together. He can watch TV if he wants, but I can do something that's going to make me feel productive about my weekend and also happy?

How would I request this?
AND
How do normal couples who spend their day-to-day with each other, spend their weekends?
How do couples who have long-distance weekdays spend their weekends together? Are you obligated to do everything together?

Finding inspiration

I've returned to scouring the interwebs for cool food blogs.

Specifically, I've been looking for raw, vegan blogs that showcase vivid, colorful, unprocessed food in their natural state. Raw zucchini lasagnas, eggplant towers, homemade sushi...

Picture after picture, I have felt inspired and rejuvenated to return to my previous lifestyle of eating clean. I can do it!