Grieving

During dinner with my my glowing, pregnant best friend this weekend, we talked about me and how I'm feeling these days.  I started crying as we talked, and had to restrict myself from letting it all pour-out.

Basically, I told her that I am unbelievably pissed right now.  Not at B., but at myself.  I am so pissed at ME and the time I've wasted from being in a relationship with him.  I've lost 2 years in my life because of this relationship, and indirectly, I've lost way more than 2 years.  The consequences of this relationship will haunt my future relationships, and more importantly, it already haunts me because I realize now stupid I am, and how badly my decision-making can be.  I am more aware of my responsibilities in the relationship and more than anything, I am terrified of me.

In the 2 years that B. and I were together, I gave up my social life and declined so many social activities that I would have been gone to if I were single.  Consequently, I've lost time with so many friends who have since moved because they are now completing their internships/residencies.  I've also lost time with by pregnant bestie because now she's a mommy and our relationship will be a bit different.  Who knows what would have happened in those last 2 years if I hadn't been with B.?  To begin, I wouldn't have been ashamed all the time because I was with a cheater.  I would have lived my life without trying to monitor another person's.  I would have lived my life so much more,  met so many more people, had so many more social activities. I'm sure I would have expanded my world in many new ways.  I don't know and I'll never know what it would have been like.  But still, I'm grieving what-was and what-could-have-been, and what-the-future-might-be, and it all feels like significant losses-- losses that I'll never get back.

The bottom line is also that I hate me right now.  I hate who I became in that relationship and I hate myself for having stayed with someone who hut me so much and so often.  I hate me and what I became in the relationship.  I have such anger and disrespect toward myself, and I don't know what to do about it. This self-loathing makes me feel completely terrified of future relationships, much less meeting other people.  I just want to be alone with my dog and hide-out from the world.  I want to run away from me until I become someone who can be healthy in a romantic relationship... until I can be with others without losing my sense of self.

But currently, I am not any of the things that I respect.  I am someone who jumps in too quickly and too intensely.  I am someone who offers everything and keeps giving more even when taken advantaged of and stepped on.  I am the kind of person who lives in denial and fantasy and hope for too long that he will change, and that we can live happily ever after.  I hate myself so much right now, that it's difficult to remember the relationship and why he was bad for me.  Because it isn't him that I worry about in the future, it's me.  I'm worried about me being bad for me, and as the history shows, I am very very bad for me.

I am so angry and scared and I want to tell the whole world: "Save me from me!"