Fantasy...

I have not been journaling lately. Instead, I have been reflecting on my most recent blog post, and thinking about my way of coping by fantasizing.

If you couldn't already tell, my last post really highlighted how much I shifted my obsession to Don instead of the breakup.  I put Don on a pedestal and spent many more hours fantasizing about him than I would like to admit.

In my head, I fantasize love, unconditional love and support, validation, understanding, warmth, and affection. Don signifies to me a turning back of time, because I had stopped talking to him shortly after meeting B.

So, in my mind, Don is THE solution to all my problems.  If we could pick-up where we left off 2 years ago, I can pretend that the last 2 years never happened.  It would be like I never met B.  Was never continuously-cheated on. Did not experience heartbreak afterwards... and then I would not be suffering now. Don is the antidote to my suffering because post-break-up, I feel quite unworthy.  I feel like my hardest was not enough, that my love was not sufficient, and that I am simply unlove-able.  So if Don comes into the picture and helps me feel loved again, I would feel.... accepted.  wanted. worthy.

Ah, worthy. That's the allure of Don.  I simply have no motivation, energy, or enthusiasm to meet a new person right now or to begin dating a new person.  It feels exhausting and scary and I feel much too raw and wounded to start over.  But Don?  He's not a "new" person.  He liked me before, and if I could pretend the past 2 years never happened, then I could also pretend I am the "me from 2 years ago."

I like the "me 2 years ago."  I wasn't so ashamed of myself then. I hadn't been so battered from my relationship. And I hadn't lost myself to any relationship thus far.  2 years ago, I was still "pure", still naively optimistic (which I like and am proud of), and I had not envisioned that cheating would ever be in my vocabulary or in my relationship.

I want to return to 2 years ago, and I want to return to how I felt and the limited life experience I had then.  "Take me away, Don! Save me! You are the time-machine that will purify everything, and you are the antidote to all of my angst, shame, humiliation, and sadness, inside."

That's my fantasy.