I committed 6 years of my life to the current city and state that I live in, all in pursuit of my graduate degree and specialization. Away from family and the comforts of friends and even region of country, I have been blessed to easily make new and good friends. I didn't plan to make new friends. I certainly didn't think that my friendships would get better or richer than the ones I grew up with. But I do have people in my life who I have known for fewer years and who feel like family to me. I just met them, bonded with them, grew with them, and that's it.
I'm in the midst of preparing my next career step and I'll be leaving this place that's been home for the past 6 years. I don't worry about missing my friends or losing them or making new ones. I feel quite secure in those relationships, and in the stability of those ties. What does concern me, recently, is finding my future husband, and knowing that where I go next will influence me meeting him.
My friend from childhood recently emailed to say that she could care less about her love-life right now and that she is in hot pursuit of her career as a graphic designer/ artist / advertising specialist. She just got out of a long-term relationship with a man who, interestingly enough, is also a womanizer. What's worse is that he was married, and the biggest liar you can possibly imagine. So it might have been her anger talking when she swore of men. But then again, I think she's right when she said that meeting your partner shouldn't be something we fret over. It's like... hitting puberty. You don't know what exact moment it will happen, and you really can't plan when or how it will unfold, but it will. It simply will happen... inevitably.
So, I remind myself of this statement during my job-search these days. And I let myself look at positions in places that I am almost certain no one will want to go. Definitely not where I imagine my future husband to be.
So, future husband, just so you know, I'm not going to try to find you anymore. Or put myself in locations that are convenient for you to see/meet. I'm just gonna do my thing and if you come my way, then cool beans. And if you don't, well then, I'm falling in love anyways and I'll have a wonderful marriage and amazing kids. It's gonna happen sometime. I just don't know yet, who.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Being loved and loving someone
My grandma is visiting this week and my heart feels so warm and cozy everyday. The first few days, it took some adjusting to, but now I am enjoying NOT being alone: when I wake up, when I eat, when I take walks with Mr. Z., when I go grocery shopping... it's so nice to be taken care of because grandma cooks for me and hugs me and kisses me. It's so nice to be able to depend on someone else. So comforting to know that there is someone to depend on who loves you, accepts you, and enjoys you for being you.
In addition, what I've realized these days is aside from being feeling loved by someone, it's so crucial to love someone too.
Last night, I took my grandma with me to celebrate the birthday of a 1 year old baby. My friends Mandy and Rodolfo threw a jungle-themed costume party for their adorable child and at least 20 people showed up to celebrate, eat, converse, and probably dance (afterwards). I love this group of friends because they are the epitome of close-knit friends whose husbands and wives are all friends, and every get-together feels like a huge family reunion. I'm lucky I have seen them more recently too, given that some of them came to celebrate my birthday with me a few weeks ago.
On the flip side of being family-oriented is that everyone in this group is coupled. Not even JUST "couple"d, but married. I am always the ONLY single person there. Always the youngest person there. Always the only person who is attending the event solo. In August, when one of the girls got married and we went to the reception, I felt so uncomfortable just being me. I had never felt so awkward sitting in my skin. All of the husbands/boyfriends would get the drinks for their ladies, and me? I never felt so alone, realizing that I will always be getting my own drinks, getting in my own line, filling up my own plate, walking into every social event alone with no one to chitchat or make private inside jokes with.
That's the thing about couples, they have these "looks" that they give each other. These code expressions that only they and they alone understand. It's SO cool and I am always so envious when I accidentally happen to see one passed along, and I feel like I mistakenly stepped into someone else's reality for a second and get to see what their life is like. I SO want that, and I always feel SO devoid of that when I am with.... this group.
So, with grandma there last night, I felt the most comfortable I ever felt when sitting amongst all the couples. I spoke in my native tongue with grandma and was able to code-switch back and forth. For the first time, I had a language with someone else. I could make eye contact with someone else. I also had someone else to take care of, look after, and walk into a party with! As lame as it sounds, I realized how UN-ALONE I was when I went to the buffet line and made grandma's plate for her. It hit me even harder when I went to get a slice of cake for her and walked back to find that she saved a seat for me. She waved at me from afar and was like come! come! THAT'S what happens when you have someone else at a party with you. You do things with and for each other, and you aren't so alone. It felt like such a privilege, being able to get a drink for her, take her jacket for her, and check on her in-between conversations with other people. Those are all the things I wished a partner would do for me if a) I had one, and b) he came to parties with me. These are all things that B. did NOT do when we were together because because a) he didn't even want to go to these events with me and b) all of my friends despised him for being the blatant womanizer that he was whenever I turned my back on him.
So anyways, as I as sitting there the whole night, I couldn't help but think that to be able to look after someone at a party was so awesome. For the first time in years, I was not the girl making the even-numbered tables into an odd-numbered one. I could have a mini-conversation amongst other mini-conversations in the room, whereas in the past, I felt like such a loser seeing all the other couples talk to one another while I just sat there by myself trying to look like I was entertained when I really wasn't. Oh, and finally, it was so nice to be able to leave with someone afterwards. It was a relief to say, "grandma's tired. we're going to head out!" instead of have to scramble for an excuse like I usually do. Usually, I'm there alone, so I always feel so selfish for leaving because it's obvious that we're leaving because I don't want to be there anymore, or because I have something else I'd rather be doing. To credit my leaving to someone else/something else felt like a weight off of my shoulder!
With all that said.... can grandma come to another party with me, please?
In addition, what I've realized these days is aside from being feeling loved by someone, it's so crucial to love someone too.
Last night, I took my grandma with me to celebrate the birthday of a 1 year old baby. My friends Mandy and Rodolfo threw a jungle-themed costume party for their adorable child and at least 20 people showed up to celebrate, eat, converse, and probably dance (afterwards). I love this group of friends because they are the epitome of close-knit friends whose husbands and wives are all friends, and every get-together feels like a huge family reunion. I'm lucky I have seen them more recently too, given that some of them came to celebrate my birthday with me a few weeks ago.
On the flip side of being family-oriented is that everyone in this group is coupled. Not even JUST "couple"d, but married. I am always the ONLY single person there. Always the youngest person there. Always the only person who is attending the event solo. In August, when one of the girls got married and we went to the reception, I felt so uncomfortable just being me. I had never felt so awkward sitting in my skin. All of the husbands/boyfriends would get the drinks for their ladies, and me? I never felt so alone, realizing that I will always be getting my own drinks, getting in my own line, filling up my own plate, walking into every social event alone with no one to chitchat or make private inside jokes with.
That's the thing about couples, they have these "looks" that they give each other. These code expressions that only they and they alone understand. It's SO cool and I am always so envious when I accidentally happen to see one passed along, and I feel like I mistakenly stepped into someone else's reality for a second and get to see what their life is like. I SO want that, and I always feel SO devoid of that when I am with.... this group.
So, with grandma there last night, I felt the most comfortable I ever felt when sitting amongst all the couples. I spoke in my native tongue with grandma and was able to code-switch back and forth. For the first time, I had a language with someone else. I could make eye contact with someone else. I also had someone else to take care of, look after, and walk into a party with! As lame as it sounds, I realized how UN-ALONE I was when I went to the buffet line and made grandma's plate for her. It hit me even harder when I went to get a slice of cake for her and walked back to find that she saved a seat for me. She waved at me from afar and was like come! come! THAT'S what happens when you have someone else at a party with you. You do things with and for each other, and you aren't so alone. It felt like such a privilege, being able to get a drink for her, take her jacket for her, and check on her in-between conversations with other people. Those are all the things I wished a partner would do for me if a) I had one, and b) he came to parties with me. These are all things that B. did NOT do when we were together because because a) he didn't even want to go to these events with me and b) all of my friends despised him for being the blatant womanizer that he was whenever I turned my back on him.
So anyways, as I as sitting there the whole night, I couldn't help but think that to be able to look after someone at a party was so awesome. For the first time in years, I was not the girl making the even-numbered tables into an odd-numbered one. I could have a mini-conversation amongst other mini-conversations in the room, whereas in the past, I felt like such a loser seeing all the other couples talk to one another while I just sat there by myself trying to look like I was entertained when I really wasn't. Oh, and finally, it was so nice to be able to leave with someone afterwards. It was a relief to say, "grandma's tired. we're going to head out!" instead of have to scramble for an excuse like I usually do. Usually, I'm there alone, so I always feel so selfish for leaving because it's obvious that we're leaving because I don't want to be there anymore, or because I have something else I'd rather be doing. To credit my leaving to someone else/something else felt like a weight off of my shoulder!
With all that said.... can grandma come to another party with me, please?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Visiting family
My apologies for being offline last week. I spent a few days visiting family and was fortunate enough to celebrate my birthday with them! In just the short period that I was gone, I actually underwent a ton of realizations and revelations that I want to elaborate on in my writing. I don't have much time to do this now because I'm back at home now, and needing to catch-up on work. My grandmother is also visiting, so I am also somewhat entertaining and needing to be as efficient as possible so I can spend this week with her. I'll definitely write soon, though. I'm just trying to bask in the feeling of love and being with family for as long as I can.
At the very least, let me quickly say that my birthday rocked. It wasn't anything spectacular, but I felt so blessed to be with family and to get warm wishes from tons of friends and extended family all over the world. Friends who I haven't talked to in years contacted me to say hello on my special day. My best friend sent me a beautiful piece of jewelry as a surprise (in her note she wrote: here's a little blue box to celebrate you!), and a friend from college called to say that she wanted to send flowers, but since I was out of town, then she was going to have it delivered over the weekend. My brother also made tremendous efforts to get me something even though he didn't know what. So when we wandered the mall that afternoon, he threw himself forward to pay for everything I wanted, and that's exactly what happened! I got everything I wanted! Eye liner, nose studs at a kiosk, a fruit smoothie.... what more could I ask for then to feel like the people around me wanted to celebrate me for being just me?
The only damper to my day (and week?) is that B. called me on the morning of my birthday. On the actual day he called... 3 times. And no, he didn't leave a message. The irony of him calling is that he NEVER wanted to celebrate my birthday, and now, here he was, calling me. I was so infuriated when I saw his name pop-up on my phone. I was even more annoyed afterwards when I realized how disappointed I was to see that there was no voicemail. But come on, now. What would he really say? My guess is that he would sound absolutely happy and chipper to say, "hey! how are you? i wanted to wish you a happy birthday! i hope you are doing so well! i really wish well for you! how are you actually?" And in turn, I would want to cry and barf at the same time because it's a) so invalidating for him to act like things are great, and also b) so disgusting that he thinks he can manipulate my feelings like he has during our time together.
For now, I can think to myself: "Screw him! Grandma is here and Mr. Z is here, and you are loved, cherished, and you are also able to love and cherish them. Enjoy this! Enjoy now!"
Rest assured, however, reality will catch up with me soon and I will start feeling lonely and heartbroken and rejected in a matter of time. Still, I'm good right now. I'm good this week. And I am starting this new year/age with positivity and love.
At the very least, let me quickly say that my birthday rocked. It wasn't anything spectacular, but I felt so blessed to be with family and to get warm wishes from tons of friends and extended family all over the world. Friends who I haven't talked to in years contacted me to say hello on my special day. My best friend sent me a beautiful piece of jewelry as a surprise (in her note she wrote: here's a little blue box to celebrate you!), and a friend from college called to say that she wanted to send flowers, but since I was out of town, then she was going to have it delivered over the weekend. My brother also made tremendous efforts to get me something even though he didn't know what. So when we wandered the mall that afternoon, he threw himself forward to pay for everything I wanted, and that's exactly what happened! I got everything I wanted! Eye liner, nose studs at a kiosk, a fruit smoothie.... what more could I ask for then to feel like the people around me wanted to celebrate me for being just me?
The only damper to my day (and week?) is that B. called me on the morning of my birthday. On the actual day he called... 3 times. And no, he didn't leave a message. The irony of him calling is that he NEVER wanted to celebrate my birthday, and now, here he was, calling me. I was so infuriated when I saw his name pop-up on my phone. I was even more annoyed afterwards when I realized how disappointed I was to see that there was no voicemail. But come on, now. What would he really say? My guess is that he would sound absolutely happy and chipper to say, "hey! how are you? i wanted to wish you a happy birthday! i hope you are doing so well! i really wish well for you! how are you actually?" And in turn, I would want to cry and barf at the same time because it's a) so invalidating for him to act like things are great, and also b) so disgusting that he thinks he can manipulate my feelings like he has during our time together.
For now, I can think to myself: "Screw him! Grandma is here and Mr. Z is here, and you are loved, cherished, and you are also able to love and cherish them. Enjoy this! Enjoy now!"
Rest assured, however, reality will catch up with me soon and I will start feeling lonely and heartbroken and rejected in a matter of time. Still, I'm good right now. I'm good this week. And I am starting this new year/age with positivity and love.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Rebounding
Last week's events continue to plague me.
On Wednesday, B. actually sent me a message online.
On Sunday, I saw both B.'s best friend and his ex-girlfriend's sister.
These events have sent me backtracking quite a bit. I have been thinking about Don quite a lot, ever since. He was my go-to person before I met B. I wonder why Don doesn't bother to email or call me, and I wonder if this is a form of rejection. Rejection by your rebound-- that's gotta send your ego spiraling.
Yesterday was also Don's birthday, and like I did 3 years ago, I sent him an e-card. I don't know what I want in return, but I feel like I've been waiting all day. I definitely want a response. But what exactly, I'm not sure. I caught myself fantasizing all day about him, too. And I fantasized the feeling that I hope to one day have when I feel safe, secure, and loved again.
Unfortunately, I know (logically) that the only way to heal is to do this on my own. I need to say bye to all of the negativity that pain that B. brought into my life. I need to deal with the rejection and self-doubt on my own without bringing anyone else into my story.
My brother sent me this picture on my iphone and I've been looking at it all week. I love this image and the simplicity of the message. ALSO, it happens to be carved onto an apple which is symbolic because B. is currently living in the big apple. There it is. Bye. Not goodbye. Just... bye.
On Wednesday, B. actually sent me a message online.
On Sunday, I saw both B.'s best friend and his ex-girlfriend's sister.
These events have sent me backtracking quite a bit. I have been thinking about Don quite a lot, ever since. He was my go-to person before I met B. I wonder why Don doesn't bother to email or call me, and I wonder if this is a form of rejection. Rejection by your rebound-- that's gotta send your ego spiraling.
Yesterday was also Don's birthday, and like I did 3 years ago, I sent him an e-card. I don't know what I want in return, but I feel like I've been waiting all day. I definitely want a response. But what exactly, I'm not sure. I caught myself fantasizing all day about him, too. And I fantasized the feeling that I hope to one day have when I feel safe, secure, and loved again.
Unfortunately, I know (logically) that the only way to heal is to do this on my own. I need to say bye to all of the negativity that pain that B. brought into my life. I need to deal with the rejection and self-doubt on my own without bringing anyone else into my story.
My brother sent me this picture on my iphone and I've been looking at it all week. I love this image and the simplicity of the message. ALSO, it happens to be carved onto an apple which is symbolic because B. is currently living in the big apple. There it is. Bye. Not goodbye. Just... bye.
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