During dinner with my my glowing, pregnant best friend this weekend, we talked about me and how I'm feeling these days. I started crying as we talked, and had to restrict myself from letting it all pour-out.
Basically, I told her that I am unbelievably pissed right now. Not at B., but at myself. I am so pissed at ME and the time I've wasted from being in a relationship with him. I've lost 2 years in my life because of this relationship, and indirectly, I've lost way more than 2 years. The consequences of this relationship will haunt my future relationships, and more importantly, it already haunts me because I realize now stupid I am, and how badly my decision-making can be. I am more aware of my responsibilities in the relationship and more than anything, I am terrified of me.
In the 2 years that B. and I were together, I gave up my social life and declined so many social activities that I would have been gone to if I were single. Consequently, I've lost time with so many friends who have since moved because they are now completing their internships/residencies. I've also lost time with by pregnant bestie because now she's a mommy and our relationship will be a bit different. Who knows what would have happened in those last 2 years if I hadn't been with B.? To begin, I wouldn't have been ashamed all the time because I was with a cheater. I would have lived my life without trying to monitor another person's. I would have lived my life so much more, met so many more people, had so many more social activities. I'm sure I would have expanded my world in many new ways. I don't know and I'll never know what it would have been like. But still, I'm grieving what-was and what-could-have-been, and what-the-future-might-be, and it all feels like significant losses-- losses that I'll never get back.
The bottom line is also that I hate me right now. I hate who I became in that relationship and I hate myself for having stayed with someone who hut me so much and so often. I hate me and what I became in the relationship. I have such anger and disrespect toward myself, and I don't know what to do about it. This self-loathing makes me feel completely terrified of future relationships, much less meeting other people. I just want to be alone with my dog and hide-out from the world. I want to run away from me until I become someone who can be healthy in a romantic relationship... until I can be with others without losing my sense of self.
But currently, I am not any of the things that I respect. I am someone who jumps in too quickly and too intensely. I am someone who offers everything and keeps giving more even when taken advantaged of and stepped on. I am the kind of person who lives in denial and fantasy and hope for too long that he will change, and that we can live happily ever after. I hate myself so much right now, that it's difficult to remember the relationship and why he was bad for me. Because it isn't him that I worry about in the future, it's me. I'm worried about me being bad for me, and as the history shows, I am very very bad for me.
I am so angry and scared and I want to tell the whole world: "Save me from me!"
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Changes
One of my closest friends in this entire world is pregnant.
She told me this while we were shopping for bridesmaid shoes this weekend. With one purse in hand, she casually announced that she's actually 8 weeks pregnant and that I was correct when I joked about it weeks ago when she was fretting over her missed period.
Approaching their 2 year wedding anniversary next month, this is a wonderful surprise for her and her husband. As with any surprise, she wasn't expecting this bundle of joy and had cried when she first learned the news. Understandably so, she cried because of the surprise and fear and shock and all of the mixed emotions a mommy presumably feels when she finds out there is a little peanut growing inside her.
I am so happy for her. This friend of mine is the equivalent of a sister, and I also adore her husband and their relationship altogether. Simply being in their presence rejuvenates me and I love their dynamic, their home, their ease, and their love... I randomly show up at their place sometimes and I am always welcome. We sit and talk in the living room and her husband will whip up something yummy in the kitchen to give us space to chat. They are not perfect, of course. Their relationship hasn't always been easy. They've had tough times and have spent a great deal of time working together and are in a stable place to have a baby.
So, this is such good, happy, wonderful news. But it is actually affecting me more than I could have ever imagined. I'm overjoyed for her really, but I'm still trying to explore the mixed feelings that I have inside. I am happy for her, really. But a part of me also feels a tad nervous and scared. Selfishly speaking, I'm terrified of the changes that will be happening from now on. She is a mommy now, and I can't just randomly call her to cry, vent, or just to talk. As it is, her hormones are going crazy and she is feeling exhausted all the time and ready to hit the hay at 8pm. No more random drop-ins, I think. No more sleepovers, I'm sure. Probably a lot less girls nights, and most importantly, less friend-time because the priority now is on the baby, and there is so much to do: now and after the baby arrives!
So, on the one hand, I'm so excited to be an auntie and to go crib shopping, clothes shopping, and whatever it is shopping that she needs. We already hit-up a few stores and had so much fun looking at baby clothes. Other other hand, I am anxious about the changes to come. The first time I caught B. cheating, she was the first person I called and the person I hung out with that night-- crying and then going to the movies together before I was able to go home. The second time he got caught cheating, it was actually her that saw him with another woman. That night, she slept-over at my house partly for suicide-watch (kidding! sort of) but mostly to keep me company to remind me that I am not alone. It is INCREDIBLY selfish for me to focus on ME right now, but what if I need her in the future? What if I have another devastating event happen and wish for a sleepover? She is a mommy now and I absolutely positively cannot make her schlepp to my house at night to cry with me. Can I even tell her sad things now? In the past, she has cried with me when she has seen me in pain, and she has experienced with me so viscerally. I cannot let her cry or hurt with me because then the baby will be hurt. So does that mean I can't really go to her as a friend anymore?
I may be a bit overdramatic with this, but I can't stop myself from feeling scared about all the changes to come.
She told me this while we were shopping for bridesmaid shoes this weekend. With one purse in hand, she casually announced that she's actually 8 weeks pregnant and that I was correct when I joked about it weeks ago when she was fretting over her missed period.
Approaching their 2 year wedding anniversary next month, this is a wonderful surprise for her and her husband. As with any surprise, she wasn't expecting this bundle of joy and had cried when she first learned the news. Understandably so, she cried because of the surprise and fear and shock and all of the mixed emotions a mommy presumably feels when she finds out there is a little peanut growing inside her.
I am so happy for her. This friend of mine is the equivalent of a sister, and I also adore her husband and their relationship altogether. Simply being in their presence rejuvenates me and I love their dynamic, their home, their ease, and their love... I randomly show up at their place sometimes and I am always welcome. We sit and talk in the living room and her husband will whip up something yummy in the kitchen to give us space to chat. They are not perfect, of course. Their relationship hasn't always been easy. They've had tough times and have spent a great deal of time working together and are in a stable place to have a baby.
So, this is such good, happy, wonderful news. But it is actually affecting me more than I could have ever imagined. I'm overjoyed for her really, but I'm still trying to explore the mixed feelings that I have inside. I am happy for her, really. But a part of me also feels a tad nervous and scared. Selfishly speaking, I'm terrified of the changes that will be happening from now on. She is a mommy now, and I can't just randomly call her to cry, vent, or just to talk. As it is, her hormones are going crazy and she is feeling exhausted all the time and ready to hit the hay at 8pm. No more random drop-ins, I think. No more sleepovers, I'm sure. Probably a lot less girls nights, and most importantly, less friend-time because the priority now is on the baby, and there is so much to do: now and after the baby arrives!
So, on the one hand, I'm so excited to be an auntie and to go crib shopping, clothes shopping, and whatever it is shopping that she needs. We already hit-up a few stores and had so much fun looking at baby clothes. Other other hand, I am anxious about the changes to come. The first time I caught B. cheating, she was the first person I called and the person I hung out with that night-- crying and then going to the movies together before I was able to go home. The second time he got caught cheating, it was actually her that saw him with another woman. That night, she slept-over at my house partly for suicide-watch (kidding! sort of) but mostly to keep me company to remind me that I am not alone. It is INCREDIBLY selfish for me to focus on ME right now, but what if I need her in the future? What if I have another devastating event happen and wish for a sleepover? She is a mommy now and I absolutely positively cannot make her schlepp to my house at night to cry with me. Can I even tell her sad things now? In the past, she has cried with me when she has seen me in pain, and she has experienced with me so viscerally. I cannot let her cry or hurt with me because then the baby will be hurt. So does that mean I can't really go to her as a friend anymore?
I may be a bit overdramatic with this, but I can't stop myself from feeling scared about all the changes to come.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
...versus Reality
... Except that Don isn't the antidote, and he would be like a tiny band-aid covering up a festering wound.
... And Don can't turn back time, and he himself is likely to have changed in the past 2 years, to have moved on, to do new things, meet new people, have new relationships.
... Oh, and Don hasn't called me back. THAT is the reality check that is hard to live with.
... The other burst in my bubble is that Don is not who I think he is. He is not who I fantasize him to be. I don't even know Don and yet I've mapped out our reunion, our conversations, our epiphany that we shouldn't have dated others. I have mapped out what our future could look like, and what a relationship with him would be like.
All the while, I actually know very very little about Don.
So, the reality is that I have shifted my painful reality (post-break-up) into a romantic fantasy about a reunion love with a stranger. I can only write this NOW having taken an entire week to go through the process of waiting for him to call, being obsessed about him for days, and then realizing eventually that what I was doing wasn't normal nor healthy.
The truth is this (and I have to keep reminding myself):
- I don't know who Don is.
- Don probably doesn't remember me.
- 2 years is a long time and you can't just pick-back-up (and expect him to do the same)
- I am actually grieving and need to continue to grieve the reality. I need to stop fantasizing about another potential love and using it to cover up my current pain. There is saying in grief therapy: "Whatever you don't work through, works through you!"--- so it really doesn't benefit me to run away.
Still, I'm hurting, and strangely enough, it's not B. who is causing the damage this time around.
It's ME. It's MY coping strategy that isn't working, MY discomfort with sitting in my pain, and MY obsession over something that doesn't exist. Like this blog intended, I am working on ME and my issue now has absolutely nothing to do with B. It is liberating to know that I'm working on me and that the problems come from me and not someone else. It's simultaneously sad because I so desperately wanted validation from B. when we were together for him to admit that HE ruined our relationship, HE hurt me, and that HE was the villain.
But it's not about him anymore, it's about me.
... And Don can't turn back time, and he himself is likely to have changed in the past 2 years, to have moved on, to do new things, meet new people, have new relationships.
... Oh, and Don hasn't called me back. THAT is the reality check that is hard to live with.
... The other burst in my bubble is that Don is not who I think he is. He is not who I fantasize him to be. I don't even know Don and yet I've mapped out our reunion, our conversations, our epiphany that we shouldn't have dated others. I have mapped out what our future could look like, and what a relationship with him would be like.
All the while, I actually know very very little about Don.
So, the reality is that I have shifted my painful reality (post-break-up) into a romantic fantasy about a reunion love with a stranger. I can only write this NOW having taken an entire week to go through the process of waiting for him to call, being obsessed about him for days, and then realizing eventually that what I was doing wasn't normal nor healthy.
The truth is this (and I have to keep reminding myself):
- I don't know who Don is.
- Don probably doesn't remember me.
- 2 years is a long time and you can't just pick-back-up (and expect him to do the same)
- I am actually grieving and need to continue to grieve the reality. I need to stop fantasizing about another potential love and using it to cover up my current pain. There is saying in grief therapy: "Whatever you don't work through, works through you!"--- so it really doesn't benefit me to run away.
Still, I'm hurting, and strangely enough, it's not B. who is causing the damage this time around.
It's ME. It's MY coping strategy that isn't working, MY discomfort with sitting in my pain, and MY obsession over something that doesn't exist. Like this blog intended, I am working on ME and my issue now has absolutely nothing to do with B. It is liberating to know that I'm working on me and that the problems come from me and not someone else. It's simultaneously sad because I so desperately wanted validation from B. when we were together for him to admit that HE ruined our relationship, HE hurt me, and that HE was the villain.
But it's not about him anymore, it's about me.
Fantasy...
I have not been journaling lately. Instead, I have been reflecting on my most recent blog post, and thinking about my way of coping by fantasizing.
If you couldn't already tell, my last post really highlighted how much I shifted my obsession to Don instead of the breakup. I put Don on a pedestal and spent many more hours fantasizing about him than I would like to admit.
In my head, I fantasize love, unconditional love and support, validation, understanding, warmth, and affection. Don signifies to me a turning back of time, because I had stopped talking to him shortly after meeting B.
So, in my mind, Don is THE solution to all my problems. If we could pick-up where we left off 2 years ago, I can pretend that the last 2 years never happened. It would be like I never met B. Was never continuously-cheated on. Did not experience heartbreak afterwards... and then I would not be suffering now. Don is the antidote to my suffering because post-break-up, I feel quite unworthy. I feel like my hardest was not enough, that my love was not sufficient, and that I am simply unlove-able. So if Don comes into the picture and helps me feel loved again, I would feel.... accepted. wanted. worthy.
Ah, worthy. That's the allure of Don. I simply have no motivation, energy, or enthusiasm to meet a new person right now or to begin dating a new person. It feels exhausting and scary and I feel much too raw and wounded to start over. But Don? He's not a "new" person. He liked me before, and if I could pretend the past 2 years never happened, then I could also pretend I am the "me from 2 years ago."
I like the "me 2 years ago." I wasn't so ashamed of myself then. I hadn't been so battered from my relationship. And I hadn't lost myself to any relationship thus far. 2 years ago, I was still "pure", still naively optimistic (which I like and am proud of), and I had not envisioned that cheating would ever be in my vocabulary or in my relationship.
I want to return to 2 years ago, and I want to return to how I felt and the limited life experience I had then. "Take me away, Don! Save me! You are the time-machine that will purify everything, and you are the antidote to all of my angst, shame, humiliation, and sadness, inside."
That's my fantasy.
If you couldn't already tell, my last post really highlighted how much I shifted my obsession to Don instead of the breakup. I put Don on a pedestal and spent many more hours fantasizing about him than I would like to admit.
In my head, I fantasize love, unconditional love and support, validation, understanding, warmth, and affection. Don signifies to me a turning back of time, because I had stopped talking to him shortly after meeting B.
So, in my mind, Don is THE solution to all my problems. If we could pick-up where we left off 2 years ago, I can pretend that the last 2 years never happened. It would be like I never met B. Was never continuously-cheated on. Did not experience heartbreak afterwards... and then I would not be suffering now. Don is the antidote to my suffering because post-break-up, I feel quite unworthy. I feel like my hardest was not enough, that my love was not sufficient, and that I am simply unlove-able. So if Don comes into the picture and helps me feel loved again, I would feel.... accepted. wanted. worthy.
Ah, worthy. That's the allure of Don. I simply have no motivation, energy, or enthusiasm to meet a new person right now or to begin dating a new person. It feels exhausting and scary and I feel much too raw and wounded to start over. But Don? He's not a "new" person. He liked me before, and if I could pretend the past 2 years never happened, then I could also pretend I am the "me from 2 years ago."
I like the "me 2 years ago." I wasn't so ashamed of myself then. I hadn't been so battered from my relationship. And I hadn't lost myself to any relationship thus far. 2 years ago, I was still "pure", still naively optimistic (which I like and am proud of), and I had not envisioned that cheating would ever be in my vocabulary or in my relationship.
I want to return to 2 years ago, and I want to return to how I felt and the limited life experience I had then. "Take me away, Don! Save me! You are the time-machine that will purify everything, and you are the antidote to all of my angst, shame, humiliation, and sadness, inside."
That's my fantasy.
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