When you least expect it...

B. contacted me yesterday.  I remember blocking him on gchat, but on one of the days when I was weak and looking at his name in the chat list, I must have unblocked him.  So, when his little chat-box flew up, I couldn't have been more surprised. All it took were a few words and I feel like I've back-pedaled 20 steps.
All he said was:

"Hey kiddo... Hope you are doing well. Nice to see you, it's been such a long time. How are you?"


And his three sentences sent me spiraling into a roller coaster ride filled with anger, sadness, frustration, shock.  I had to spend the next hour grounding myself to remind me that he wasn't really here and that my life has changed significantly since he's been gone.  I walked the dog, I read my journal entries from before, I actually comforted myself by reading the previous email from Don, and I also looked through pictures from the wedding 2 weeks ago.

I had to do all that to remind myself that I have a life without him.


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Today, the skies are grey and it is cold and windy outside.  I woke up feeling drained and all I want is to curl up on the couch with a cup of hot chai, some popcorn, and a good movie.  I feel exhausted and I feel kind of scared.  He exists and he is real.  He is somewhere out there and he was and is a reality.  Meaning our relationship was real, and that the pain is real.  I feel internally conflicted because I want this angst out of my body.

I wonder to myself... should we just be friends so I can live in the present?  If we talk about now, then can I completely let go of the past and never have to deal with it again?  If I know him for who he now, can't I enjoy his existence in this world as someone who simply sucks as a boyfriend but fortunately isn't my boyfriend?  I don't know.  I also think that being friends would be a cop-out because then I won't experience the disgusting feelings that I have inside, and in turn, I can't work through them to become healthy.

So I guess the rational thing to do is to continue to block him and let myself feel the anger and humiliation that I feel when I am suddenly triggered by a memory of him and our relationship.

Still.  I wonder.  Is the hard way always the right way?  Is the more difficult path necessarily the better path? The one that's actually better for us?