I'm exhausted.
I completed my first year as a faculty member doing teaching, research, service, mentoring, and now the cycle begins again.
As great as Jay is, the more we get to know each other, the more differences I see between us. Our communication styles, our culture of community (I guess that's the same thing), our values and interests (diet, health), and I'm less optimistic about a future as I was before.
I adore Jay but seeing each other weekly is also taking its toll on me. Weekly 2.5 hour drives (ONE-WAY!) is too much for me. He is bringing 2 of his friends to town this weekend and staying at my place (while my mom's here). They want to go hiking and the timing couldn't be worse. To begin, I'm still in the midst of moving! Secondly, I can't hike because my hip is injured! Also... isn't that a bit selfish? Bringing his troop to do fun things in my backyard when I can't even participate in those activities?
I just want a break from everything and everyone. The events of this year exhaust me, and can be summarized as working a gajillion hours a week followed by being a weekend (full-time) girlfriend. I need a weekend solo. I need a week solo.
I saw this article and it validated so much of my feelings, reactions, and thoughts: The most productive people know who to ignore.
What do ya'll think?
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Hiatus
Hello.
Been awhile-- an entire summer since I've written.
I went abroad for a month and saw my family. I saw a lot of Eastern Medicine doctors after one of them said I'm too stressed and may faint any moment. I got some intense chiropractic work done from all the hip pain I got from extreme crossfitting. And when I got back from Asia, I found that my house had been robbed. In the last 2 weeks, I still made it to my professional conference (with Jay in tow), and I spent the weekend moving out of my house and into an apartment. A gated apartment!
The semester begins tomorrow and I am so so so not ready. I have many mixed emotions and don't know where to begin.
I'll start with Jay because he was such a wonderful hero throughout my moving process; and without him, it could not have happened. On the downside, he has not initiated any conversation with my mom and my mom has also spoken minimally to him even though the 3 of us are the most critical people in this moving process. Mom is here, helping me with the move, and she has acknowledged Jay's hard work but his subpar social skills. It's not etiquette, per se. It's not solely introversion either. Culture plays a rather significant role here, making the situation entirely fault-less, but still uncomfortable and unsettling for me.
Jay's typically a quiet guy, and shines when he's with extroverts. They ask him a million questions and he answers with flair. But without people asking him those questions, he becomes just a listener. Not really a great listener, but a listener. Almost like... a wall. I can't even say he's absorbing what I'm saying. But he's there? If you behave in that manner with an older Asian person, like a girlfriend's mother for example-- it comes off seeming rude.
So, two things have happened in the last month that have really got me questioning our compatibility. The first happened when we took my/our first-ever trip together, 2 weeks ago. We arrived at the airport and when we got to the security check gate, he moved forward without so much as glancing a look at me. He put his stuff on the security machine, walked through the security check and never bothered looking back to see where I was. He retrieved his items and then continued briskly walking forward. Meanwhile, I stood there in shock.
What. the. fuck.
Aren't you supposed to wait for your partner when you do those things together? Even if you aren't dating, don't you wait for your travel companion to walk together?
The other thing happened this weekend when Jay helped me move. Don't get me wrong, he did so much for this move. But there were times when I or my mom would be carrying things while he was empty-handed; and rather than offering to help or even asking how we were doing, he'd just walk past us.
My mom has described feeling invisible during the times the 3 of us have spent time together. He doesn't speak to her (he'll speak when spoken to, of course), he doesn't really even look at her, and he has made plans that completely disregard her. The more I think about it, the more livid I feel.
At one point during the weekend, my mom shed tears and remarked that both my brother and I tend to date outside of our native culture and language. She said that both of our partners have been hard to bond with and be close to; so she is resigning herself to the fact that she will be losing her children rather than gaining additional son- and daughter- in laws. This was so difficult to hear and perhaps that is why I feel so upset.
If my mom hadn't mentioned these observations, I might have swept everything under the rug. In fact, I've blamed myself, wondering if I'm too entitled by expecting him to anticipate my needs. But it's not, is it?
Been awhile-- an entire summer since I've written.
I went abroad for a month and saw my family. I saw a lot of Eastern Medicine doctors after one of them said I'm too stressed and may faint any moment. I got some intense chiropractic work done from all the hip pain I got from extreme crossfitting. And when I got back from Asia, I found that my house had been robbed. In the last 2 weeks, I still made it to my professional conference (with Jay in tow), and I spent the weekend moving out of my house and into an apartment. A gated apartment!
The semester begins tomorrow and I am so so so not ready. I have many mixed emotions and don't know where to begin.
I'll start with Jay because he was such a wonderful hero throughout my moving process; and without him, it could not have happened. On the downside, he has not initiated any conversation with my mom and my mom has also spoken minimally to him even though the 3 of us are the most critical people in this moving process. Mom is here, helping me with the move, and she has acknowledged Jay's hard work but his subpar social skills. It's not etiquette, per se. It's not solely introversion either. Culture plays a rather significant role here, making the situation entirely fault-less, but still uncomfortable and unsettling for me.
Jay's typically a quiet guy, and shines when he's with extroverts. They ask him a million questions and he answers with flair. But without people asking him those questions, he becomes just a listener. Not really a great listener, but a listener. Almost like... a wall. I can't even say he's absorbing what I'm saying. But he's there? If you behave in that manner with an older Asian person, like a girlfriend's mother for example-- it comes off seeming rude.
So, two things have happened in the last month that have really got me questioning our compatibility. The first happened when we took my/our first-ever trip together, 2 weeks ago. We arrived at the airport and when we got to the security check gate, he moved forward without so much as glancing a look at me. He put his stuff on the security machine, walked through the security check and never bothered looking back to see where I was. He retrieved his items and then continued briskly walking forward. Meanwhile, I stood there in shock.
What. the. fuck.
Aren't you supposed to wait for your partner when you do those things together? Even if you aren't dating, don't you wait for your travel companion to walk together?
The other thing happened this weekend when Jay helped me move. Don't get me wrong, he did so much for this move. But there were times when I or my mom would be carrying things while he was empty-handed; and rather than offering to help or even asking how we were doing, he'd just walk past us.
My mom has described feeling invisible during the times the 3 of us have spent time together. He doesn't speak to her (he'll speak when spoken to, of course), he doesn't really even look at her, and he has made plans that completely disregard her. The more I think about it, the more livid I feel.
At one point during the weekend, my mom shed tears and remarked that both my brother and I tend to date outside of our native culture and language. She said that both of our partners have been hard to bond with and be close to; so she is resigning herself to the fact that she will be losing her children rather than gaining additional son- and daughter- in laws. This was so difficult to hear and perhaps that is why I feel so upset.
If my mom hadn't mentioned these observations, I might have swept everything under the rug. In fact, I've blamed myself, wondering if I'm too entitled by expecting him to anticipate my needs. But it's not, is it?
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
What to do with anger
If you ever ask me if I'm angry, my answer would be no.
I don't think I can even recognize what my anger looks like. I can't tell when I'm feeling it. And I don't know how to respond when I eventually see that it's part of me.
I've been angry for the last few months and I didn't even know it. In my work situation, I'm a minority in so many ways: the way I think, the way I do my work, the emphasis I place on making relationships work, and my thoughts on training. I am different in all of these ways, in addition to being a minority in race/ethnicity and relationship status (not married).
For the last few months, work has felt oppressive. People mock what I do through snide comments. If a student is passionate about making societal change, they roll their eyes and make jokes about this person being successful in the academic world. Then they say, "Oh, Sher, this student should work with you!"
People mock how I think change happens. Students think my work is unscientific because I value the importance of studying culture. To them, culture is not scientific. They don't think that because my colleagues don't seem to believe that to convey the message.
In turn, when I have been training students, I have been shell-shocked by their lack of emphasis paid to strengths, relationships, and connection. I have been angry about how these things are treated, and how undervalued they are. You would think that my response would be to model strengths, relationships, and connection. That would be smart. That would be constructive! But I got angry and I didn't even know it. I began feeling like it was incredulous for people to focus only on pathology and weakness. I became defensive and judgmental. I forgot that I was no longer a student and that my defensiveness has power.
I've been looking back and recognizing that I've been so angry at my environment, at the larger culture, and at myself, too. I wish I could have noticed that I was feeling anger. And then I wish I could have addressed it in a better way. I'll learn from this experience, but it also really hurts to have realized this... the hard way.
I don't think I can even recognize what my anger looks like. I can't tell when I'm feeling it. And I don't know how to respond when I eventually see that it's part of me.
I've been angry for the last few months and I didn't even know it. In my work situation, I'm a minority in so many ways: the way I think, the way I do my work, the emphasis I place on making relationships work, and my thoughts on training. I am different in all of these ways, in addition to being a minority in race/ethnicity and relationship status (not married).
For the last few months, work has felt oppressive. People mock what I do through snide comments. If a student is passionate about making societal change, they roll their eyes and make jokes about this person being successful in the academic world. Then they say, "Oh, Sher, this student should work with you!"
People mock how I think change happens. Students think my work is unscientific because I value the importance of studying culture. To them, culture is not scientific. They don't think that because my colleagues don't seem to believe that to convey the message.
In turn, when I have been training students, I have been shell-shocked by their lack of emphasis paid to strengths, relationships, and connection. I have been angry about how these things are treated, and how undervalued they are. You would think that my response would be to model strengths, relationships, and connection. That would be smart. That would be constructive! But I got angry and I didn't even know it. I began feeling like it was incredulous for people to focus only on pathology and weakness. I became defensive and judgmental. I forgot that I was no longer a student and that my defensiveness has power.
I've been looking back and recognizing that I've been so angry at my environment, at the larger culture, and at myself, too. I wish I could have noticed that I was feeling anger. And then I wish I could have addressed it in a better way. I'll learn from this experience, but it also really hurts to have realized this... the hard way.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
In-person incompletions
I drove down to see Jay this weekend. As we had discussed via skype, we planned to talk more about "us" on Friday, but I struggled throughout our time together not knowing how to bring it up. Here's the re-cap of our weekend together
Friday:
I arrived a little before midnight and Jay was still attending a party after running a 10k with his friends in another city, so I went to Jay's brother's house so that our doggies can have a get-together while we caught-up. Jay's brother told me about is plans to propose to his girlfriend next week, and the steps he had taken to lead up to this momentous occasion (e.g., getting her parents' permission, getting a diamond, waiting to get the band, etc.). We also talked about Jay's reaction to all this--or lackthereof! Apparently, brothers don't really process this stuff with each other. Later this weekend, Jay told me I seem to know more about his brother's plans than him!
Around midnight, Jay arrived, and the 3 of us finished a movie before we went to Jay's home to sleep!
Saturday:
We woke up naturally on Saturday morning and lounged for a bit before going to an outdoor BBQ party at Jay's friend's house. He played beer pong while I laid in the sun with his friend, enjoying the heat and savoring the cool breeze blowing our way. We stayed there for several hours until we finally left to go home to check on Mr. Z. He had thrown up 4 times that morning and it was very concerning that he had been unable to keep anything down. It turns out the jerky that Jay's brother gave him might have been the culprit because that was a new treat he'd never had before.
We had several plans for the afternoon prior to watching Godzilla at 10pm that night. We thought about looking for some golf shoes and also re-doing the grip on one of my golf clubs. We wanted to get some practice shots at the driving range because earlier in the week, Jay had bought me a golf club as a surprise. We also planned to get some candies for the movie that night because his friend and I both loved Swedish Fish! All of that went to the wayside because we fell asleep in the living room. When we woke up, I suggested driving range and dinner, so we did! I asserted no fast food so the middle-ground was eating at Subway.
Before watching the movie, I told Jay there didn't seem to be time to talk about us since we're so busy! He suggested talking about it after the movie but, really... how do you introduce that topic after watching a super kick-ass action-adventure flick? I couldn't.
Sunday:
Sunday morning required an alarm clock so we could make our way to the golf course that was about 1 hour away by car. On the ride there and back, I thought of how to bring up topics about us. I couldn't, I felt like a Debbie-Downer, so I didn't.
Finally at night, minutes before packing up and getting ready to leave, I sat down and asked questions about us and what the summer might look like. I watched the TV as I spoke -- both because he kept it on, and also because I was nervous. After we stopped talking, Jay checked-in to see if I felt better about our conversation. I did because he assured me that he's not all words, but that he will do whatever it takes to make it work. I needed to hear that. He also emphasized that he has had a very successful long-distance relationship in the past and that the relationship's ending had nothing to do with the distance.
Whew, I think. Whew. I did it at the last minute, but I did it!
Friday:
I arrived a little before midnight and Jay was still attending a party after running a 10k with his friends in another city, so I went to Jay's brother's house so that our doggies can have a get-together while we caught-up. Jay's brother told me about is plans to propose to his girlfriend next week, and the steps he had taken to lead up to this momentous occasion (e.g., getting her parents' permission, getting a diamond, waiting to get the band, etc.). We also talked about Jay's reaction to all this--or lackthereof! Apparently, brothers don't really process this stuff with each other. Later this weekend, Jay told me I seem to know more about his brother's plans than him!
Around midnight, Jay arrived, and the 3 of us finished a movie before we went to Jay's home to sleep!
Saturday:
We woke up naturally on Saturday morning and lounged for a bit before going to an outdoor BBQ party at Jay's friend's house. He played beer pong while I laid in the sun with his friend, enjoying the heat and savoring the cool breeze blowing our way. We stayed there for several hours until we finally left to go home to check on Mr. Z. He had thrown up 4 times that morning and it was very concerning that he had been unable to keep anything down. It turns out the jerky that Jay's brother gave him might have been the culprit because that was a new treat he'd never had before.
We had several plans for the afternoon prior to watching Godzilla at 10pm that night. We thought about looking for some golf shoes and also re-doing the grip on one of my golf clubs. We wanted to get some practice shots at the driving range because earlier in the week, Jay had bought me a golf club as a surprise. We also planned to get some candies for the movie that night because his friend and I both loved Swedish Fish! All of that went to the wayside because we fell asleep in the living room. When we woke up, I suggested driving range and dinner, so we did! I asserted no fast food so the middle-ground was eating at Subway.
Before watching the movie, I told Jay there didn't seem to be time to talk about us since we're so busy! He suggested talking about it after the movie but, really... how do you introduce that topic after watching a super kick-ass action-adventure flick? I couldn't.
Sunday:
Sunday morning required an alarm clock so we could make our way to the golf course that was about 1 hour away by car. On the ride there and back, I thought of how to bring up topics about us. I couldn't, I felt like a Debbie-Downer, so I didn't.
Finally at night, minutes before packing up and getting ready to leave, I sat down and asked questions about us and what the summer might look like. I watched the TV as I spoke -- both because he kept it on, and also because I was nervous. After we stopped talking, Jay checked-in to see if I felt better about our conversation. I did because he assured me that he's not all words, but that he will do whatever it takes to make it work. I needed to hear that. He also emphasized that he has had a very successful long-distance relationship in the past and that the relationship's ending had nothing to do with the distance.
Whew, I think. Whew. I did it at the last minute, but I did it!
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