In-person incompletions

I drove down to see Jay this weekend. As we had discussed via skype, we planned to talk more about "us" on Friday, but I struggled throughout our time together not knowing how to bring it up. Here's the re-cap of our weekend together

Friday:
I arrived a little before midnight and Jay was still attending a party after running a 10k with his friends in another city, so I went to Jay's brother's house so that our doggies can have a get-together while we caught-up. Jay's brother told me about is plans to propose to his girlfriend next week, and the steps he had taken to lead up to this momentous occasion (e.g., getting her parents' permission, getting a diamond, waiting to get the band, etc.). We also talked about Jay's reaction to all this--or lackthereof! Apparently, brothers don't really process this stuff with each other. Later this weekend, Jay told me I seem to know more about his brother's plans than him!

Around midnight, Jay arrived, and the 3 of us finished a movie before we went to Jay's home to sleep!

Saturday:
We woke up naturally on Saturday morning and lounged for a bit before going to an outdoor BBQ party at Jay's friend's house. He played beer pong while I laid in the sun with his friend, enjoying the heat and savoring the cool breeze blowing our way. We stayed there for several hours until we finally left to go home to check on Mr. Z. He had thrown up 4 times that morning and it was very concerning that he had been unable to keep anything down. It turns out the jerky that Jay's brother gave him might have been the culprit because that was a new treat he'd never had before.

We had several plans for the afternoon prior to watching Godzilla at 10pm that night. We thought about looking for some golf shoes and also re-doing the grip on one of my golf clubs. We wanted to get some practice shots at the driving range  because earlier in the week, Jay had bought me a golf club as a surprise. We also planned to get some candies for the movie that night because his friend and I both loved Swedish Fish! All of that went to the wayside because we fell asleep in the living room. When we woke up, I suggested driving range and dinner, so we did! I asserted no fast food so the middle-ground was eating at Subway.

Before watching the movie, I told Jay there didn't seem to be time to talk about us since we're so busy! He suggested talking about it after the movie but, really... how do you introduce that topic after watching a super kick-ass action-adventure flick? I couldn't.

Sunday:
Sunday morning required an alarm clock so we could make our way to the golf course that was about 1 hour away by car. On the ride there and back, I thought of how to bring up topics about us.  I couldn't, I felt like a Debbie-Downer, so I didn't.

Finally at night, minutes before packing up and getting ready to leave, I sat down and asked questions about us and what the summer might look like. I watched the TV as I spoke -- both because he kept it on, and also because I was nervous. After we stopped talking, Jay checked-in to see if I felt better about our conversation. I did because he assured me that he's not all words, but that he will do whatever it takes to make it work.  I needed to hear that. He also emphasized that he has had a very successful long-distance relationship in the past and that the relationship's ending had nothing to do with the distance.

Whew, I think. Whew. I did it at the last minute, but I did it!

Bringing up my incompletion

After spending this week doing some deep emotional processing (alone, with friends, and through teletherapy with my amazing therapist), I planned a skype date with Jay so I can talk to him about my heartbroken feelings incompletion.

We talked about other things first. We then joked around a good deal before I got to the point.

1. I started by first asking if I can talk to him about something (he said yes). 
2. Then I told him how difficult it was for me to even have this conversation. 
3. Finally, I referred to the party on Friday and noted the inconsistency between his behavior from what he told me when he said we'll both know have news together about when he is leaving.

Jay said nothing while I spoke. Appropriately, of course, but still uncomfortable. Given his silence, I spoke more and quickly while secretly hoping that Jay would intervene so it would feel less awkward. But he let me talk, probably because he sensed the seriousness in my voice. Finally, I stopped because I said enough. There was nothing else to explain other than let him know that I felt such incongruence between us. I didn't get it, so can he explain it to me?

He did.  

Jay explained that nothing has changed and that he continues to be waiting for news about a postdoc position. He said he doesn't think much about leaving because he is so immersed in dissertating and anything beyond that feels outside of his current train of thought. He speculated that after submitting his dissertation, then the reality of leaving will likely begin to sink in. For now, he is completely and utterly focused on writing, writing, writing.

I thought about his answer and empathized with the need for his short-term focus. I offered words of comfort to say that I am confident he'll finish writing his dissertation, and certain that he'll be graduating. He is a rockstar, after all.  We may have changed topics after I said that. But in my head, however, I simultaneously felt like his mentality was quite selfish. I understand that dissertatin is stressful. Um, hello! I've done it! at the same time, I wanted to say, "what about me?" "Do you think it's fair for me to have such a short time-frame to absorb you leaving, based on a timeline that works for you?"

Jay plans to defend his dissertation in July, graduate is August, and anytime after that, he can leave for a postdoc! If it doesn't "sink in" for him until July, then does that mean I have to live in this kind of uncertainty and loneliness without being able to process him until July? And then, after that, I would have just one month to process his departure before he leaves for who-knows-how-long?! Does that seem fair to me? (The answer is no. In fact, it's a hell no!)

So I said to Jay that, unlike him, my experience of living in this kind of uncertainty has been emotionally tumultuous. Since I get zero information from him, I'm forced to squash my curiosity and deny the possibility that he is leaving. I literally forget he is leaving, and am "reminded" only when conversations such as the one on Friday comes up. The reminders are also freaking painful. It's not just the conversation itself; it's also because they happen with me learning this information accidentally and on the sidelines because they were't even intended for me. It's not a one-time experience, it's been multiple times! I cried as I spoke because I couldn't hold in how sad I felt. It was so embarrassing because I felt vulnerable and raw and terrified that he was seeing this part of my pain.

And then Jay responded.

First, he apologized for unintentionally hurting me because he had no idea this has been my experience. He said that he now recognizes how serious this is for me, and so, we should talk more about it in-person when we see each other on Saturday. Then he said, wait, I'll see you Friday, so we can even talk about it on Friday night, OK? I said OK and nodded. I told him I don't know what his expectations are about us and our relationship and that was what's been most terrifying. In my world, my friends and colleagues see the significance of this relationship and his leaving; but he doesn't seem to include me in his decision-making process at all! This discrepancy makes me question if we're even on the same page about this relationship.... Before I could finish my sentence, Jay interrupted me and said "Oh no. We are very much on the same page. I mean, I love you!"

Let me pause for a second here. It is so rare that Jay  initiates saying the 3 little words: "I love you"-- and so my heart skipped a beat and I flew toward cloud 9 before dropping back into our conversation. Then I had to give myself a reality check to return to what we were doing. As happy as I was to hear him say that, however, I needed to let him know my standing fears. I told him, "that's great! But it's not really enough for me. There's a difference between what you say and what you do and so, your words don't give me enough security for a future of long-distance." I gave him the example of wanting ice cream versus getting ice cream.  It was meant to be an example about desire versus action but I don't think I explained it well.

I then used another example of losing weight and said that I may want to lose weight but that is very different from scheduling time in my life to engage in activities that will lead to weight loss.  "Ohhh!" He said! "Intention versus action! I get it," he said. He got it! My heart squealed with happiness.

Towards the end of this conversation, Jay encouraged me to dialogue with him in the future. He told me I can tell him my reactions in-the-moment instead of having to hold them inside like I did this time. It was incredibly sweet and I felt so uncomfortable, awkward, and exposed. I told him I felt embarrassed and didn't want him to see all of "this" (aka my crying face). I asked if his Skype camera was zoomed in on my face or if it captured the entire background-- and unfortunately, he had zoomed it on my mug!

Jay is such a good guy and this was the best conversation I could have ever asked for, and the best conversation I have ever had. I have never conversed with someone like this before. Never have I been in a dialogue with a partner who is is receptive, open to, and attentive to the content of what I'm saying. H was sensitive to my emotions, too! Jay was affirming, responsive, considerate of my feelings, and he allotted me space to express myself. He was actively involved in our conversation and proactive in problem-solving with me so that I wasn't talking at him and feeling like I was solely responsible for the well-being of my feelings and for our relationship.

As a result, I never had to resort to using my back-up plan that is developed out of reactivity and fear. My back-up plan was to conclude our conversation with: "I don't know if we can be together if we have such discrepant expectations about our relationship and from each other. I can't be with someone who doesn't see me in his future."  But I didn't have to say any of that because he didn't let me! It wasn't even an option because I didn't feel so abandoned in the relationship that I needed to jump ship to preserve my own dignity and integrity. I didn't have to utter something that I didn't even believe. I was also present and real and genuine!

All in all, this was a success.

...and this weekend, we will be talking about our relationship. We will air out all the things that I am excited by and terrified of, such as our expectations about this relationship, our expectations of each other, and in some ways, planning the short-term future to know where we stand in the context of each other's life plans.

There isn't a conversation in the world that I could look forward to more than this.

At the same time, I'm scared out of my wits' end because we will now tackle topics that scare me to my core. I will have to tell him more about myself and my emotions. I will also have to know his perspective and that is terrifying. What if his worldview is dismissive of me? What if he doesn't value me as much as I value him? What if, upon realizing how much I need from him, such as him being more emotionally expressive and planful-- what if he then decides that I'm too much to handle?

Now that we are planning to talk about all things deep and intense, I am fearful that he will know exactly who I am; what my needs are; and then he can reject the real me.

That's the safety of hiding. When you keep your relationship superficial, you never have to worry if he's seen the real you. It isn't so scary because you can believe that he doesn't know you enough to want to leave you. Impression management is everything. Once you're "out" and once you're an open book and he has access to your vulnerabilities, then you will know that that if/when they leave you, it's because they saw the real you and didn't want the real you. There is no longer any control and you are at a complete disadvantage. AHHH! Now that is motherfucking terrifying. That is the stuff that bonds a couple and it's also what can lead to their demise.

Overcoming incompletions

The universe is good to me.

As I've been thinking about Jay, I've felt nervous about having difficult-and-necessary dialogue that follows my intense emotions. Of course, I can also stifle my own emotions until I explode. Why would I do that? Because "doing something about it" feels too threatening. Just the thought makes me sad because I don't know how to bring up past issues when it likely seems so outdated to someone else other than me.

And then I came across this article in my facebook feed. It is an article entitled: 8 steps to get past differences with your partner.

The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I thought that this article was written especially for me! The content focuses on how to address unresolved issues that are still relevant in your relationship, and gives advice for how to bring them up.

I am so relieved and liberated to know there is a term for what I've always struggled with. The concept is called "incompletions" and that is the unresolved crap that I usually deal with alone. Historically, it has always taken me a while to be able to process my emotional experiences. That means I grapple with many incompletions because not only are these issues no longer  not on his radar, but I also do not know how to begin to bring it up

So often, I don't know how to bring up an issue that's already passed. I fear being seen as clingy, overly emotional, unable to let go of things from the past. I am so concerned with impression management that the incompletions never have a place than go, other than to fester, pickle, and marinate in my heart so that they never get brought up.

Seriously. this was such a great article.

Bursting the bubble

My bubble has burst. Once it bursts, there is no going back.

My bubble is the illusion that Jay might be "the one" for me. It's the belief that we could live happily ever after together.

But, upon entertaining (even for a second) that he may not be the one, the bubble officially bursts and it becomes impossible to resume wearing rose-colored glasses about our relationship.  I also have to wave goodbye to all of the associated fantasies.

Today, I spent the day partly working and somewhat immersed in my thoughts about this relationship.

• Am I happy now? (Yes! For the most part) 
• What makes me happy in this relationship? (Feeling loved when I'm with him!)
• Will those factors still be there when we're in a long-distance relationship? (Probably not!)
• Why did Jay and his ex-girlfriend fall-out of love after being in a 10 year long-distance relationship?
• How might the same scenario replay itself now?
• Why is it so terrifying for me to anticipate someone falling out of love with me?

I wonder so much about Jay's last relationship and the role he played in its demise. Did he fail to cultivate that bond? He told me he felt no sadness when the relationship ended because they became friends instead of lovers. Will that happen to us? And will that be a function of our incompatibility or his lackluster attitude? How can I prevent this from happening? Can I stop it from happening? And is it my responsibility?

A large part of me feels fearful. I'm at the precipice of a decision because a small part of me is panicking and impulsively wants to initiate a break-up. I'd rather end things now than have him slowly fall out of love with me. When he falls out of love, he will do it carelessly and without any hurt. Whereas for me, I already know it will be a long, arduous, torturous process.

I totally wonder what his ex-girlfriend's experience of their relationship was like. Did she shed a lot of tears in their relationship? Did she feel overlooked and minimized when he planned his life without her? They were together for 10 years! I mean, gee whiz! I asked him before if he had thought of marrying her and his response was yes-- yes, because they had been together for so long! (What a crappy answer)

Where's the romance? Where's the passion? Is that how he sees relationships? Sees us? And sees me?

While talking to my mom over the phone, she speculated a somewhat boring predictable life with him, characterized by us living our separate lives while living in the same home. He will do his thing while I do mine. He'll work and have his career while I have mine. On weekends, we'll do some fun activities together and it will be that way over and over. He's not the type of guy to offer sparks or fireworks. There will be minimal passion and romance because he doesn't say or do things like that. But it'll work. It'll be a relationship that works and is sustainable because he's a seemingly good guy who seems more naiive and focused on his career advancement than mean or hurtful. He won't intentionally try to hurt me. If anything, it would be his oversights that make me cry, and his lack of attention to things that are meaningful to me. 

Is that the kind of relationship that I want? Do I want normal, stable, somewhat distanced, but an amiable partnership? It sounds horrible to me and I can't imagine anything more boring or even lonely. But mom emphasized that those are the relationships that stand the test of time! Whereas for me, I've also enjoyed the kinds of relationships that are tumultuous and adrenaline-inducing because of the highs and lows in the roller coaster ride. 

So, what do I want? And what do I do next? My heart hurts.